Iām in a Weird mood....
Kind of reflective but not? Excited, like something huge is about to happen. Maybe itās the New Year spirit. Maybe itās just life.
I canāt quite pinpoint my mood. Iām happy, I think thatās why itās strange. I feel content, also strange. With a year of turmoil and sadness and heartache and rock-bottom depression, these feelings are anything but normal for me right now, but man it feels good to feel abnormal.
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i canāt tell if i want to go to Furphyās to spend New Yearās Eve with everyone for traditions sake, or if i rather stay in cuddled up with Derek watching movies and kissing to ring in the New Year- and probably in bed by 9 if we go that route ;). I canāt tell if I want to deep clean everything in our home (yes) or do a skin care routine and pamper myself (remove nail polish, trim and file nails to prepare for nail art once my kit arrives later this week. Hair wash and mask, etc). I want to read but also shop for pop-top storage containers (lol virgo me) so i can finish organizing our bulk baking goods such as flour and sugar. i want to meal plan and clean, mostly. just really prepare for the new year on a really good foot. And maybe finally get around to tackling the closet which iāve been avoiding. Also, yoga. yoga sounds nice to stretch out my very achy back and body from being so crumpled and poorly-postured while working.Ā
I am in the mood to cook and create and color and shop. I am in the mood to celebrate and film, to work out and do yoga and journal. I am just feeling so....creative, i think thatās what it is. creative and reflective, in a way. But only to a certain extent because my memory still feels so horrible- i can hardly even remember what i did this year aside from moving home, getting engaged and married. so not really reflective since i am having troubles recalling things that have happened this year (i wish this were different).
I hope 2019 is a year filled with health (PLEASE, long lasting health) including and especially losing the 15 or so pounds i need in order to be at a healthy weight. i hope we get our finances a bit more in order, and bring in more money and SAVE. I hope i find a hobby, or a community of friends, or better yet- both at once. I hope i can learn how to love Derek in the specific ways he wants to be loved and that our love continues to grow for each other.
I am happy to feel the way i feel. Which is----not depressed......but also a mysterious feeling i canāt yet pinpoint. Maybe because iāve been so numb that iāve been completely out of touch with any emotion other thanĀ āSadā. Or maybe- that i really am just in a really strange mood; a concoction of emotions; and there isnāt a way to describe it. But really- i do feel content. I feel inspired. I feel creative. and man, I finally feel happy.
