@slenderiscoming some Naruto & Fugaku hijinks since you expressed interest in that.
Pre-sasunaru, Fugaku bullies his way into adopting people, Naruto is Naruto. Here’s what I have so far, Hope you enjoy <3
Modern AU where down-on-his-luck, ex-homeless kid Naruto, age 20, saves Fugaku’s life while Fugaku’s stranded in the States, with his family back in Japan, and no one else can/is willing to help. He also visits Fugaku at the hospital, and when they clear Fugaku for discharge, brings the old bastard home to his tiny firetrap apartment, with its mess and his possibly-drug-dealers roommates, because Naruto can’t not help complete strangers and the staff said they needed someone to keep an eye on the old bastard in case of medical complications.
And. Fugaku is 1000% appalled at everything, and complains, a lot, and demands they put an end to this farce, and generally makes a nuisance of himself, until Naruto tells him to shut his trap. Which works for exactly twenty seconds and just because it caught him off-guard. Then Fugaku resumes complaining, only a little less fervently.
And. Naruto’s everything Fugaku despises, but he’s also the only one who helped, and Fugaku can respect that. That’s a good kid. A good, extremely rude, potty-mouthed, sloppy, gay kid, but, a good kid. And in Uchiha Fugaku’s books, that counts more.
And. Fugaku’s got a stick up his ass. Anybody who knows him can tell you that. So this kid, with his brashness, and his loud mouth and everything, is confusing. Completely baffles him, and he’s not a man who likes feeling baffled. Fugaku wants everything to make sense and be efficient, and cause as little trouble as possible, and things do! Because he’s not the kind of man you mess with. He’s intimidating as fuck, and a hardass. He gets his way.
Naruto doesn’t give a shit. That’s the first thing he learns about the kid: Naruto doesn’t give a shit. He talks back, he speaks his mind, and gives as good as he gets. Naruto doesn’t put up with his ‘respect your elders’ crap. They butt heads. But Naruto is kind. After the initial clusterfuck, it’s actually pretty easy to talk to this kid because Naruto talks back immediately when he’s not okay with something!!! And he doesn’t hold grudges. Fugaku’s own sons aren’t like that. They’ve inherited his stupid pride gene. And his way with words. Naruto’s way to deal with conflicts actually resolves them. Fugaku may have to admit it’s more efficient than his own method. Who would have thought?
It’s evident that Naruto is a complete disaster. His lifestyle- bad. Very bad, no good, nuh uh. Fugaku disapproves, vocally so. He tries giving orders advice. Doesn’t work. Naruto doesn’t give a shit. He tries shoving money at the ungrateful brat who doesn’t see common sense when it’s trying to beat him on the head. Naruto gets royally offended. Turns out they’re both stubborn assholes. Still doesn’t work, and Fugaku is hell-bent on helping out this kid who does not wants his help.
So, Fugaku has a (brilliant, if he says so himself) idea. Fugaku has a son around Naruto’s age. Sasuke’s gay. Naruto’s gay (bisexual, or whatever. Fugaku’s not paying attention to what the fuck ‘labels’ are. Whatever. Naruto likes men. Fugaku asks, just to make sure. Repeatedly. they have a shouting match- whatever). They’re both good kids. They could learn a thing or two from each other. Naruto should feel honored, Fugaku’s son is such a catch.
Two birds, one stone. Fugaku helps out this bratty good kid he’s getting way too attached to (fathers-in-law get to shove money at their sons-in-law when they feel like it and nobody can stop them, right?), and Sasuke gets a boyfriend who’s not one of these good-for-nothing twinks he’s been hanging around. Everything is good. People should give Fugaku a medal for his exceptional ideas. No wonder his eldest is a genius.
Naruto is not on board with the idea. He’s so not on board with the idea that he thinks it’s a joke and gets a good laugh out of it. Past the first five minutes it start looking like he’s dying.
How fucking dare he, and why the fuck not? Fugaku’s son is a catch. Naruto should be fucking grateful. Not just anyone gets deemed worthy of joining the Uchiha clan, and Fugaku’s son in particular is a catch. Naruto is an idiot. Fugaku is offended on his son’s behalf. And what’s wrong with arranged marriages? Nothing. Nothing is wrong with them. They’re efficient and Fugaku knows what’s best. Naruto is an idiot.
Naruto starts calling him a Pimp. Fugaku’s brilliant idea is backfiring and Fugaku’s feathers are ruffled. But he’s nothing if not stubborn (he’s right, dammit).
Is it because Naruto wants children? Fugaku assures him that there are options for ‘his kind’ if he wants to reproduce, and says some really offensive shit while he’s at it, and Naruto jibes back that he’s being a real asshole right now. Fugaku tries to correct course by informing him that Mikoto will not care about his proclivities as long as he and Sasuke give her grandchildren. Naruto goes 'wow, you’re a real piece of work’. And then decides to fuck with Fugaku’s head by saying 'maybe I don’t like kids’. And Fugaku hadn’t even considered that and looks like he swallowed a lemon when presented with the possibility. He asks 'don’t you?’ and Naruto almost pisses himself laughing with how much just asking that is putting a strain on this old bastard, but he keeps a straight face. Fugaku doesn’t receives an answer, so he goes 'well, but, an heir…’ but concedes that it might suffice if his eldest conceives instead, and he supposes they’d still give Naruto and Sasuke their blessing despite this obviously huge let down, and Naruto must realize how generous he’s being there, obviously, and and… somewhere around that part Naruto takes pity on him and goes 'nah, kids are cool, I was pulling your leg. Still don’t want you to pimp me out tho’, and Fugaku is both like 'oh thank fuck’ and ’why’.
If it’s not the kids, it must be something else. Is it because of the costs of moving to Japan? Fugaku would take care of that, obviously, as head of family. The logistics? Consider it done. Are Naruto’s shitty jobs the problem? Just get rid of those, and Fugaku will find him a better one in Japan, more worthy of his future station, or Naruto can go to school there, get a diploma, it’s not a problem that Naruto is mentally challenged, Fugaku has connections. Does Fugaku need to go yell at Naruto’s shitty boss? Landlord? Mean aunt? No really, does Naruto need him to yell at anyone? (Fugaku likes yelling at people. Very cathartic). Is it Japan? Does he not like Japan? Well, the whole family could uproot itself to the States, at least at first, like for a year or two, Japan is obviously superior and Naruto should see the errors of his ways. No? Then why? Is it Sasuke? Does Naruto think Fugaku’s son is unworthy of him? Does he not like brunets? Does he fear Fugaku’s son is not aesthetically pleasing? Fugaku falls over himself to reassure Naruto that his son is, quote-unquote, 'a stud’. Naruto goes 'oh my god you crazy old bastard, where did you learn that word and also what the fuck’. They keep bickering and eventually Naruto gets fed up and yells that you can’t just dictate people’s lives like that, and Fugaku, old fart from old money, genuinely confused, goes 'well, why not?’ Naruto can’t believe he’s stuck with a matchmaking tyrant for the next few days.
Fugaku continues his campaign to convince Naruto that The Idea is good. Ramen. Ramen is a thing that Japan has. In fact, it has plenty of it. (It also has natto, and Fugaku very crankily informs Naruto that american breakfast standards are subpar. 'just eat your cereal,’ Naruto sighs. Fugaku glowers at him around a mouthful of froot loops)
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