Juniper Was Here

“a slovenly unhandsome corse!” 24, Writer, and enjoyer of the eclectic.

[kiviwivi]

My cat is the ideal man because he’s friendly, cuddly, and castrated.

[synthetic-ultramarine]

don't go on indeed dot com at 2am they start showing you the job listings for gnomes and talking squirrels

[egg-ify]

can’t even make eye contact smh,,

[kiviwivi]

🎶🎵Two black eyes and a busted nose, and two eyes made out of mold🎵🎶

[nerdygaymormon]

[raccoonmilf]

My vision has gotten so bad I said “hello, friend! 🥰” to a pile of bird shit thinking it was a bird shit moth

[hopeless-eccentric]

if i met a genie and fixed the world and all its ills with my first two wishes, my third wish would be that sabrina carpenter would get gradually taller. she'd be in on it and think it was hilarious. we'd have a strong cap at 7 feet here, maybe an inch a week so people have time to theorize--let's not be ridiculous. but she'd still keep up the "ooh! im so little and small!" schtick. but shed be gradually getting taller. she'd be like 6'1" and still jumping for the microphone. and she'd never say anything about it. and if anyone asked shed act like she had no idea what they were talking about. and shed cheekily play into it a little bit but mostly still keep up the "ooh im so little and small" schtick. do you see my vision. do you get it

[hopeless-eccentric]

ok and so if i met a genie and fixed the world and all its ills in one wish i would do the sabrina carpenter thing second and third i would wish for all evidence of one random taylor swift song to disappear from the world once every month or so. taylor would have no memory of it. her fans would remember it and there would be an outcry over where it went (it's not even in concert videos anymore!) but taylor would have no memory of it

instead, all her brainspace spent on that song would be replaced with the vivid memories of roman gladiator, taylaurius velox. she's able to hide this at first, but her music begins to take on a gradually romaner and romaner tint. at first, people are like "damn, she's getting REALLY conservative, huh" and other people are like "wow, she's so deep, she knows what a rubicon is" but eventually travis kelce leaves her out of nowhere (he wasn't sure if dating someone possessed by a roman gladiator made him gay or not and anyway he was getting sick of being like "we're going to play the lions" and taylor being like "LIONS? WHERE?") and taylor publishes an entire brutus themed album about this betrayal and it's beginning to weird people out

and so eventually travis kelce is getting like, bomb threats sent to his family for leaving taylor and eventually he's like "okay, okay, i left her because she kept having all these vivid nightmares of gladatorial combat and she kept saying that football was giving her the ick because we never actually killed anybody for the glory of rome" and then he just gets more bomb threats because he left a struggling woman during a mental health crisis

and eventually taylor is writing music about her forbidden roman senator lover and her fanbase is either whittled WAY down or WAY up because people want to watch this trainwreck happen (or maybe she influences culture so hard that we're just all really into rome now) but she's being super cagey about the name of this roman senator. until. and now here's the twist:

weird al has been getting all of the same vivid memories of taylaurius velox. and he still has all his memories of her old songs. so he's writing all these detailed song parodies of taylor swift songs that don't exist anymore including specific details about their shared gladiatorial reality that taylor has never shared with anybody else. including that her lover's name was publius, and she's been calling him Poob for short

at this point a lot of original swifties are leaving. they could do the brutus stuff, but they really can't survive poob. taylor makes a clapping back at the haters song including the lyric "these bitches don't know publius" and it ends up all over all sorts of merch. there's a renewed archaeological interest in roman gladatorial combat

most importantly, the internet discourse is the best it's ever been. does this make taylor swift transmasc? is travis kelce problematic for leaving his fiancee while she gradually morphs into a roman gladiator? is this good queer representation? if taylaurius velox was a gay man, does that mean the gaylors were technically correct? is weird al morally wrong for capitalizing off of her music if she cant remember it anymore? was weird al sent by god to torment taylor swift?

anyway thats what id do if i met a genie

[fawnpalmer]

quarterly reminder that if i reblog something ai-generated it is 110% and always an accident and for the love of god please tell me so i can delete it from my blog

[kiviwivi]

I think it should be easier to access medical photos of yourself. I had an ocular migraine for the first time on Friday and went to the ER because I thought I was going blind, and they did a CT scan and chest x-ray on me but I didn’t get to see either of them. I wanna see my insides! I asked the doctor to see the photos but he told me to ask the nurses, and by the time anyone had time to show me the pictures, I was so ready to be out of the emergency room I just left after discharge. But now I imagine the chance to see my photos is much lower because I’d have to go back to the hospital to see them, and I don’t know what they do with old scans after the person is gone. They should just be able to email me the pictures or upload them to my health portal app.

Also almost broke my nose today. Separate incidents.

[wizardshark]

99% of queer discourse stops right before they define the true difference between bisexual and pansexual!

[saspitite]

FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME

BISEXUALS GROW FROM THE GROUND

PANSEXUALS GROW FROM THE CEILING

[my-dailydreams]

[freezi-drink]

Hey um??

Via ID in alt

[sagetheunwise]

licking you bee wanted your sweat. that second one was just a freak I think

[cocokolah]

Meet the artist!

I’ve never formally introduced myself so HELLO! I’m Mikaela- cola? Kolah? Whatever works and I’m an animation student. I love lots of things and I hope you find an interest that matches your own!

💕My commissions are also OPEN link tree in my bio💕

[cola-in-a-hot-car]

Hey guys you found me as a SECRET but I’m more confident now with my secret love so please! Come check out my Main blog if you like my art

[kiviwivi]

Give my bestie your attention! Give her your business!

[kiviwivi]

Context. I’ve got a cold and I’m ✨rather miserable✨ so I’m looking up timelines of when I might feel better and I see this stock photo on the top of the webpage.

And for a minute I’m just. Absolutely sure. That she’s holding an unused pregnancy test. Babe that wont help your cold. In utter bafflement, I’m asking myself, why did they even take this photo? I know stock photo sites are pretty weird sometimes but why did anyone take a photo of a bundled up woman holding up her pregnancy test like a baton? What possible use could that have??

Then it all clicks. I find the final Lego piece and finish the build.

It’s a damn thermometer.

Maybe I’m still delirious after all.

[writingdose]

[salientseraph]

me reading Electric Excavations before bed kjfksnfksnf

[pukicho]

I would name my child grub grub and he would be a freak

[kiviwivi]

Recession indicator:

I work in a hotel in a high summer tourism area. Winter was pretty sparse, but that’s normal up here. Last year this time, we were already packed for the season. This year? We’re under half capacity. And we’re a relatively inexpensive hotel, people looking for a fun inexpensive outdoorsy experience should be lining up. But no, the biggest spenders are government employees and hockey teams.

[kiviwivi]