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Side vent blog

[avpdculture]

Avpd culture is alternating between yearning for connection because you hate feeling lonely and feeling disgusted by connection because you are used to being alone

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[avpdculture]

AvPD + (maybe this is also) StPD Culture is trying to find connection, even with those who could understand you, but their words feel like they hold no meaning. They don’t actually care about me, and I am not even convenient for them to keep me around.

I find myself far away from the ground within a world of my own because there’s no sense in trying to love myself in a real world. There is this complex emotion that rots my insides and it feels more real than anything, and I cling to it because it feels like something other than this immense disgust and self-loathing.

I am a liability. And when the day comes they all hate me, I won’t be surprised in the slightest. I can’t understand how anyone could be able to care in a meaningful way.

— 🪾🕰️.

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[avpdculture]

avpd culture is like waiting for a natural distaster that feels inevitable but might never come, but like hell if you're going to be caught unprepared if it is, so you have to stay constantly vigilant forever.

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[avpdculture]

AVPD culture is thinking "I'm scared of you but please don't leave me" with everyone

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[avpdculture]

AvPD culture is wanting to kill yourself but you don't because it would be so fucking embarassing

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[avpdculture]

avpd culture is wanting to give a shot at trying to make friends again but being held back by memories of how all previous attempts went

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[avpdculture]

Avpd culture is having that depressing realisation that you actually need relationships and friendships in life to feel fulfilled more than others. But as much as you want it you just know you won’t ever fit in so you’re just bored and tired of life every single lonely day.

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[avpdculture]

AvPD culture is feeling alone even when you have friends; and feeling guilty because of it. I should feel grateful people are willing to put up with me at all, but it's just never enough.

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[avpdculture]

AVPD culture is losing your will to live because you feel so isolated and irrelevant to anyone.

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[kiwibombventing]

Ive never felt so disconnected from everyone and everything

Thought of a peaceful way to kms and was fantasizing about all night

I think that's the closest ive come to actually considering killing myself. Like i still don't plan on ever doing it, but it doesn't sound as scary anymore

[avpdculture]

Avpd culture is giving up on socializing after too many failures. Nothing I say or do matters to anyone. There's always someone better, smarter. I don't know what I can contribute that would be of worth to anyone. Very very rare some things I say are meaningful to someone but most often they're not. Maybe I'm just a useless, embarrassing person that isn't meant to be seen? I'm so sick of living like this. I don't know how to change or become someone of worth. Someone that people would remember and care about. Would anyone even notice if I'm gone? Am I just a ghost trapped in a body?

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[kiwibombventing]

Why do i always feel the need to make myself think im the most disgusting selfish manipulative person ever

For some reason i always have to interpret my thoughts and actions in the worst way possible

Like i know it wasn't my intention and even if i did something unintentionally i always feel horribly guilty for it and apologize

It makes it very difficult to know when i actually fucked up

[avpdculture]

suspected AvPD culture is dipping my toe very cautiously into the waters of vulnerability by saying something to my online best friend (pretty much my only friend and the only person I truly trust) to casually and lightheartedly (masking the seriousness) express my secret level of devotion towards them, only to have them be caught off guard by it and they go "OH" "WHAT THE HELL", and then I proceed to go invisible on discord for the rest of the day and avoid talking to them because I'm now convinced that I'm too much, and strange, and will never be able to have someone that truly accepts all parts of me and that won't be weirded out by the things I say. (but I can't express that being reacted to in that way felt like being stabbed in the heart because then they'll know that I'm sensitive and overreacting, especially since I can't just expect them to read my mind to know it was significant) even though I KNOW (because they told me so themself) that they only reacted to what I told them in the way they did because they were just caught off guard.

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[kiwibombventing]

I don't matter and me wanting to matter is selfish and disgusting

[kiwibombventing]

Sure, you can like me and think im cool, but would you miss me if i disappear?

[kiwibombventing]

I think people are friends with me only when it's convenient and that's fair, because im not worthy of anything more.

Me being upset that they don't give me enough of their time/attention/energy/priority/patience/support is asking for too much. It's selfish and unfair because i ask for it without being able to give anything of value in return.

I don't see why anyone would be friends with me when im not convenient. (When im stupid, annoying, rude etc.)

People accept each others flaws, because they can see that they're more than that. Their worth overweights their flaws.

But i don't have that worth, so why would anyone tolerate my flaws?

Im not worth it

[avpdculture]

(Probably) avpd culture is being ostracized your entire life. Not bullied, but ignored, dismissed, barely acknowledged. And not knowing why.

Just why?? No one ever says anything. Did i say something wrong? Was i rude? Do i look ugly? Do i smell gross? Are my interests wierd? Just tell me what's so wrong with me so i can fix it.

There's got to be something. Something that makes everyone avoid me. Something that prevents people to be actually close friends with me. Something that makes me so impressive.

And if there is actually nothing wrong with me,, then why??

-🥝💣

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