an endeavour

a writing blog? maybe. more of a personal mental health archive at this point. i don't know what a poem is and all art is subjective. search "hof" on this blog for the ok stuff!

[kiwiquasar]

I'll rewrite myself in people,

and scratch a new type of kindness

into my trachea

I'll always be velocity in equilibrium,

always move too fast for my soul

but if I can make my mark in units of joy,

can forge meaning from violent refuse

then maybe I won't need the parts of me

that plant their feet in sallow ground

and cling to a past so fixed and fragile

[kiwiquasar]

I wouldn't quite call it a tragedy

But i don't quite like the fact

That I'm having to relearn how

To occupy a body

At 22

And 23

In a way, so many rules

Have changed overnight

And i struggle to grasp

Which of the multitude of

Changing variables

Is to blame for my latest

Set of sufferings

I feel at once both infant and infirm

In the years which many have considered

To be their body's peak

And while I'm not quite relearning to walk

Even a baby can open their mouth

When the airplane comes by

I wish that I'd been stronger

Been smarter

To embrace my changing body

With arms wide open

Rather than to be caught off guard

As i struggled with basic tasks

I wish I didn't have to laugh

And say that my gums were bleeding

And my skin was cracking

And i couldn't stand up without

The world spinning around me

That i couldn't wake

And i couldn't sleep

And that i couldn't eat

Until i was starving,

Too nauseous to cook

When all I'd wanted was

For food to be a celebration

I wish that I had a single adult year

That i didnt have to define by trauma

I wish I didn't have to relearn

Every lesson id already learned

And i guess i wish the world

Could do so wild a thing

As love me back

[kiwiquasar]

the thing about kindness is that

while it lives in you

it is not kind

and the thing about compassion

is that it comes in such limited supply

(but we wouldn't be able to meter it at all

if there wasn't such incentive

to put it on a scale)

and the thing about generosity is

that there's only so much of yourself

that you can give

before you start to dig into flesh

[kiwiquasar]

i dreamt that you reached out to me

and we forgave each other,

but i think i was still feigning ignorance

about all the things you'd done.

how telling, then, that i still haven't learned

how to stop swallowing it all down.

i don't think we so much as burned that bridge

as the bridge collapsed

under the weight of its own rot.

life will never be so simple or so kind

as to produce a tallyman,

but the ones I create within me can

rest assured with the knowledge that i,

for my part, tried my very best

but then, that's never saved anyone before,

has it

[kiwiquasar]

i think I've gotten quite good

at not making eye contact with

crashing trains

i don't want to think quite yet

what this says about the person

I'm becoming

[kiwiquasar]

something's crawled into my soul

foreign and strange and ill fitting

and i, unprepared for guests,

but having prepared my entire life

for every eventuality but this,

find myself a final fraying thread

away from being adrift, lost

in a sea, well charted by others not

myself

and i find myself at a loss, unable

to grip and wrench back, and set

things right, set things back into

the way they should be. and i've

lost time and I've lost words and

i've severed the cord that i once

could use to communicate.

on purpose, i inhabit this abyss

like I ache to fulfill the prophecy

that I am well and truly alone

[kiwiquasar]

frankly, my dear it's gotten to the point where i don't think i'll survive this and maybe i'll be okay someday but that won't be me

[kiwiquasar]

WHAT IF I RAN WHAT IF I DIDN'T STAND MY GROUND I WOULD BUILD THIS WORLD FOR A DOLLAR AND NOTHING MORE SO LONG AS THE ATTRIBUTION REMAINED ANONYMOUS FOREVER

[kiwiquasar]

the first fact of life is that i must always be scared and the first fallacy is that i can feel safe by making myself small

and i know i have the same right to life as anyone but all perspective has offered me is a tighter and tighter box in which to squeeze myself

and i can't fix everything in the same way that i can't even fix myself

and i have to remind myself that there are circumstances under which surviving is not selfish

[kiwiquasar]

fundamentally what if i was always running consequentially and what if i was never safe? oh, it's never been a shield for me the thing that's allowed you to grow into the monster you've become were we not planted in the same soil? where is your shame, where is your shame? and why do you seek to rebuild these prisons from the ground up? where is your love?

[kiwiquasar]

fundamentally i am falling again and there is no space between the cracks too thin to contain everything that i am. i can always be the afterthought have always been self-maintenanced will never be loud. and it's okay, i'm sure, it's okay. and maybe some day i'll even be forgiven for making a sound at all if i die enough times to make it worth it

[kiwiquasar]

So I've always favored the parts from the whole And why bother to see the forest from the trees When the trees are already so damn interesting But I am discordant in myself And I'll refine the parts, sure But the puzzle will never fit together If you zoom out even just a little

[kiwiquasar]

At the end of the day, you're empty You're a bottomless pit really Only light up when another life Brushes past your own Nothing there but the urge to please And you'll do anything, really Work yourself raw And grind your bones down to chalk Doesn't that scare you?

[kiwiquasar]

And I'm drowning again Fluid thick in my lungs And it really just is a sign of the times That this time I'll land back on my feet Practice makes perfect, doesn't it? But every time I hit that ocean bed The nail in the plywood Drives in just a little deeper And not this time But maybe next time I'll be stuck down there for good

[kiwiquasar]

When you're slipping through the eyes Of every stranger and pedestrian You've never met But whose life has intersected your own And you begin to realize That the little ripples you send out Are silent, muffled in the presence of a bigger pond, Breathe Breathe and remember that you're not alone You, vast organism, are electricity in communication Each particle humming in endless conversation You can be your own echo

[kiwiquasar]

I stand in flux And watch the veins Pulse in my eyes So used am I To the chains Binding my hands That though they Were removed I still hold my breath And render myself Incapable

[kiwiquasar]

Everyone here can tell you're different Something's just a little off in the way you exist And it shouldn't matter But you never know if someone out there Is going to come into your house and kill you in your sleep