Then it All Became Real

"Heels and Red Lipstick will put the fear of God into people" --Dita von Teese

[kkaylaarrosee]

another broken heart

about a month ago I met this great guy. He was sweet, funny, knew how to make me laugh, and best of all he made me happy. So incredibly happy. 

Unfortunately I fucked that relationship up just like every other stupid relationship that I have ever been in. Some how things just got so complicated and messed up that he ended it...over a text, after we had just spent the whole weekend in vegas with our friends. 

Broken and hurt is an understatement. I don't think I truly have been this upset in a long time. I haven't eaten in 2 days and I have managed to get the stomach flu and miss 2 days of school so I have just been moping around the house super depressed. 

Am I just not cut out to be in a relationship. I am so upset and hurt by this guy and its making my life feel impossible to live. 

My heart hurt so bad...

[ohlovequotes]

How do you tell if a shy person likes you or if they are just being shy? Here are 14 signs that we think might be good indicators. If you are a shy person, you might be able to recognize some of these.

#1 By Listening

Just because some people are shy it does not mean they’re not interested in conversations. They just won’t be the ones to start them, let alone keep the conversation going. Shy people are more likely to listen to you talking than ask you questions. Most of them lack the courage to come up to you directly, but that doesn’t mean they’re not interested, it just means they will find other ways to get the wanted information, for example checking out your social media pages.

Read More

[ohlovequotes]

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.

Lao Tze (via ohlovequotes)

[kkaylaarrosee]

maybe I'm just not meant to understand people. I will never understand why people treat others like garbage or like they are worthless. I am someone who is very passionate about every kind of relationship that comes into my life weather it be friends or more intimate. I am someone who gets lonely so easily and I have been so depressed because there is no real reason as to why I am alone besides the fact that no one wants me. I don't get why I am so repulsive to people. I was seeing this guy and things were going so well and then boom he stopped talking to me...like what? I pray everyday to God for Him to grant me the right person in my life and I know maybe it's not my time but I am just so dang lonely and beginning not to see anything worthwhile in my life and it's getting very very hard.

[kkaylaarrosee]

never been much of a Taylor swift lover but this song is on point with how I feel this evening... I still remember the look on your face Lit through the darkness at 1:58 The words that you whispered For just us to know You told me you loved me So why did you go away? Away I do recall now the smell of the rain Fresh on the pavement I ran off the plane That July 9th The beat of your heart It jumps through your shirt I can still feel your arms But now I'll go sit on the floor Wearing your clothes All that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss I never thought we'd have a last kiss Never imagined we'd end like this Your name, forever the name on my lips I do remember the swing of your step The life of the party, you're showing off again And I roll my eyes and then You pull me in I'm not much for dancing But for you I did Because I love your handshake, meeting my father I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions And I'll go sit on the floor Wearing your clothes All that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss Never thought we'd have a last kiss Never imagined we'd end like this Your name, forever the name on my lips So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are Hope it's nice where you are And I hope the sun shines And it's a beautiful day And something reminds you You wish you had stayed You can plan for a change in weather and time But I never planned on you changing your mind So I'll go sit on the floor Wearing your clothes All that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss Never thought we'd have a last kiss Never imagined we'd end like this Your name, forever the name on my lips Just like our last kiss Forever the name on my lips Forever the name on my lips Just like our last...

[kkaylaarrosee]

10 days

tonight is the 10th night I will be crying myself to sleep. I feel so helpless and I am completely broken. I hate when things like this happen; when people break my heart. it takes me so long to pick back up the pieces and who knows, this time I could be crying myself to sleep for 10 months...

[kkaylaarrosee]

Sacred Place

My shower has always been my scared place, where I cry when I don't want people to hear me, where I think about my thoughts, sing loudly to my current pandora obsession, and now where I continue my bad habits that I thought I quit. I'm so tired of not looking like how I used to look in high school. I wasn't happy with my image then, but hell I was 100 pounds of fine ass. now, now I'm just gross. when my engagement got broken off, I binged. I ate food, I didn't care about the consequences. I was so used to eating whatever the hell I wanted when I wanted and not gaining a pound. it was also no secret that I had a serious eating disorder which began in 6th grade but I always had the fact that I was dancer as to why I was loosing so much weight. now I am 20 years old, so single it hurts, and on my way to be the crazy standard poodle lady and tonight I began to head down that eating disorder road again. I am not proud to be 'sick' but I just want to feel pretty and maybe get some attention from guys again. attention to feel loved and wanted. I am proud of myself for taking charge. my body was my scared place and now I am destroying it, but no one cares about me, so I am strangely okay with it.

[kkaylaarrosee]

I miss you...I love you...

[kkaylaarrosee]

how...

how can you miss someone who has caused you so much pain? how can you still love someone who broke your heart while you were 1600 miles away? how can you still think about that person and want to still be with them after they have treated you so wrong? I will personally never understand why I am such a giving person and I always end up hurt and suffering. break ups are hard, I am someone who gives me all and just to be neglected is so terrible. I always feel like I pick the wrong guys and I am so over the pain. I just want something real and not to be hurt. I'm tired of being sad and depressed over this guy

[kkaylaarrosee]

Broken Heart

“hearts are wild creatures, that’s why our ribs are like cages.” These words have easily become my favorite in the past week. I was in a sort of messed up relationship and it came crashing down last Monday. I was feeling neglected and he claimed he needed to find himself-money wise, and he needs time to himself. I mean its not like I was gone for 10 days giving him plenty of space and we weren’t even hanging out that much. Also he has been going out and spending money so who knows the real reason why he dumped me over the phone while I was 1600 miles away, but I am still heart broken. 

I am so tired of the way people treat me and think that they can use me and lead me on. I try to be so nice and I am at the point where I have to give up. Im tired of the fake guys who do nothing but hurt me after I give so much. 

I hope you are reading this...

[ohlovequotes]

I want you to want to fall in love with me and that’s unhealthy.

Marty McConnell (via ohlovequotes)

[kkaylaarrosee]

hopelessness

3 stories of hopelessness: when I was in high school I began to like one of my friends brothers. I would love the feeling to go to her house so that I could see him. would he say hi to me? would he hug me? who knew but I liked him. I came to find that he felt the same about me but it was too late I was already away at school. we ended up reconnecting and he went with me to get my tattoo and he even kissed me that day. damn was it hard for me to get back in the car knowing I would leave for Missouri soon. He was a different kind of person, not someone I would normally date but I knew he was a good soul. a great soul if that. I was thrilled to come home and thought that even we would pick up where we left off. I loved his hugs. but now I'm that stupid girl who craves attention from him but he has a girlfriend. just my luck per usual when I want something I can't have it...I can't help but feel hopeless. when I came home I met this guy. I made the first move, trying to be out there and confident. he was someone I wouldn't typically date either but I was hooked on the bad boy persona. we dated and I got so hurt by him. 3 months later here he is standing at my front door with bottles of wine and wanting to talk and I let him in. I was lonely, vulnerable, hopeless you name it. I let him back into my life and I'm scared. I'm scared to get hurt again, I'm scared to be with someone again. and I can't stop thinking about the guy I like in Missouri. he is a good soul and gives me everything I want in life. but it makes me feel hopeless that I am not there and I cannot have him right now. and who knows when I can. I always seem to get hurt when I fall for someone. I know that these guys are reading this right now and that makes it so much harder to post but this is my release. my chance to feel less hopelessness in my life.

[kkaylaarrosee]

ChristOMMUNITY

When I was in high school I had an amazing sense of community at my Church.I loved being able to my life experiences to teach those younger than me about disappointments and struggles in life. I had always gone to a Catholic school and I loved the sense of community. I chose not to go to a Catholic University but I decided that I would still attend mass and serve others. I was the first person out of all my friends who attended Church to go away to college, well at least out of state, and I was worried that our friendship would suffer but then I remembered out sense of community and how that would never diminish.

I would still visit my friends when I came home from break and I would still attend mass but things were different. They treated me like an outsider and it was hard for me to relate to them since I was away and I didn't come home as often as those instate. I had amazing friends back at school so I remembered that and that I shouldn't worry over trivial things, that God would make things the way that they were supposed to be. 

My second year into college I had a bad accident and I didn't not receive the grades for Spring semester like I had hoped. I decided to go home to California and re-group, and I was so excited to get back to my sense of community and the friends that I had gone through high school with. Little did I know that things would be different.

Sure I had gone away and already experienced a lot of different life things. I had grown up a lot faster than a lot of these people. I had experienced the idea of partying and staying up late, and the partying was looked down upon by quite a few. Some of these people did not believe in partying or having a few drinks but I believed that college was a time for trial and how was I supposed to meet people and have new experiences. I saw nothing wrong with my decisions as they were apart of life and I was learning from thing. When I came home I felt like I was an outcast. People judged me for my decisions and I reached out to many people to hang out or got to mass or group and people would ignore me. They claimed that they wanted to hang out with me but then I would never receive a message or call. I was sad...how could these people who are so invested in Christ claim that I was such a bad person when they were far from perfect. Even if they claimed to be perfect, Christ never wanted us to outcast people and there is no one perfect besides Christ himself. 

They way I see if, Christ himself preached to the lepers, the blind, all those people who society did not look highly upon and he did it because they all shared the same beliefs and He saw them all as equal. I just wish that this idea of a Christ like Community was more prominent and acted upon versus just spoken. 

I have officially stopped trying with these so called “friends” of mine because I do so much only to get nothing in return. I know this is not what Jesus would of wanted but why should I try to get along with people who judge me and who do not accept me for who I am...faults and all. 

[kkaylaarrosee]

Good Girls Finish Last

So today while I was running I came to the realization that I didn't know what my purpose in life was...

Things are going okay in my life. Sure I'm still in school and I'm working but what really is my purpose here. I used to think that I was here to make people happy but lately I feel like I have no one close to me...besides my best friend and my family. I am really passionate about my major and studying nutrition and occupational therapy but is that what is really going to make me happy?

Its kind of depressing day after day coming home to netflix and my bed and not being able to share my day with anyone or tell someone all my thoughts and desires. Why is it that the good girls finish last? That we don't get the satisfaction of having someone to love and other people who abuse relationships always get the girl or guy. 

I feel that my whole purpose in life is to get married and have a family...granted I am given that blessing. I have currently been in this long confusing process or regret and denial. I miss my old relationship, and I am struggling with the idea that almost a year ago I was the other woman and I had no idea. Why do people have to be so shady and hurtful? All I want is a good guy. Why is it so hard to find a good guy who won’t ignore you, choose his friends over you, cheat on you, steal your money, the list goes on. 

Who knew that being a good girl would make me a loser and single... 

[a-laa-mode]

I want this: "Just think of this: In 5 years, he’ll be walking out of his office towards the parking lot and pass by a flower stand. He stops as if there’s nothing else in the world he’s supposed to do and gets you a bouquet of bubblegum pink tulips because he knows they’ve been your favorite since you were little. He gets in the car and puts the flowers on the passenger’s seat where there’s still a stain from when you spilled your caramel latte all over it on your first date. He smiles when he sees it, remembering the way you two laughed for hours about it, with your grin wide and sprinkled with dashes of the sunlight that was blazing through the windshield on that unreasonably warm Thursday afternoon. He’ll look up and see your picture taped above the visor; the one he took of you dancing in his room to that old Beatles song the day he told you he loved you for the first time. And he’ll put the key in the ignition and play that same song on his drive home to you. All of it, everything he does, everything he is, will be for you. Imagine that.

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #64 // he’s gonna love you exactly how you should be loved.  (via ohlovequotes)

[kkaylaarrosee]

Medicated

This morning I went for a run, something I haven't been doing often but this week I have felt the need to run in order to clear my mind and get my anxiety out. 

Those who are close to me know that I suffer from anxiety. I always had anxiety in my life; weather it be from taking an exam, going on a first date, even walking to a class by myself. I officially got diagnosed in 2012 during my first year away at school. You see I could always work my own way through my anxiety but in addition to being away from home for the first time and trying to manage a social and academic life, I was thrown into the deep end and I was drowning. 

While I was going through my diagnosis I had started dating someone so I ended up using the comfort from a relationship as a break from my own mind which was constantly filled with anxious thoughts. I didn't know at the time that this would be my downfall. 

After a few weeks, I realized that I was becoming dependent on my medication and when I was not on it I became a different person. When I didn't take my medication I got so worked up and I would shut down and not even leave my room. Finally after dealing with the ups and downs of my medication I came to the realization that maybe something was wrong. I wasn't feeling any relief, I was so anti social because leaving my dorm room or my boyfriends apartment scared the day lights out of me. I tried many different medications and it wasn't until I came home for Christmas break a year ago that I found a medication that finally worked for me. 

It has been 3 years since I was diagnosed and after 5 different medications, I finally found one that has a good balance for me and my life. I do not like when people use my anxiety to classify me because I am Kayla, I am not Anxiety. I am the same person I always have been just medicated. Sure I have some days where I shut down and want to quit but I remember that it is a bad day not a bad life and I know I can fight through the anxiety.

[kkaylaarrosee]

Taking Things for Granted

I don’t think many of us take time to just stop, appreciate, and say thank you. I know this is a hard one for me. As we sit around our dinner table my mom prompts us to go around and say something that we are thankful for. Some days I know exactly what I am thankful for and others I cannot think about anyone but myself and then that results in me going to my fall back response of “this lovely food.” So lame and cheesy, trust me I know. 

Another thing I take for granted is the beauty of the world. Now a days especially in Orange County, we are all in such a hurry to get places which results in the inevitable road rage but tonight when I was driving home with my windows down listening to some country I realized that I am rushing and taking the beautiful evening for granted. And why was I rushing you ask? So that I could make it home faster and continue binge watching Mad Men in bed. 

I also think I take for granted the relationships in my life. When I went away to school at The University of Missouri, I met this wonderful guy and despite what I may tell people now, I still believe he is an amazing person. We dated for a year and a half until something went wrong in my mind and I took him and our relationship for granted. I tried dating again recently only to get screwed over and end up broke as I have said before. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about the guy that I truly did love and knew I would marry him someday and now I look at my lonely love life and remember not to take my few friends and family for granted. 

With that being said, I am in this long confusing process of having to accept what is in the now and not take it for granted and I think we can all benefit from that life lesson.