10 things I hate about you | 12
Trigger warning: physical abuse, drug use, arguing, sucide attempt, cutting, blood, (I think that’s all )
This chapter is really just flashbacks from different times in y/n’s life so if you’re confused just know this is from the past.
"Do you want a bubble bath?" she asked me, her face full of anticipation. I looked at her, not understanding what she meant. What were bubbles and why did they have anything to do with my bath?
It wasn't until she pulled out a bottle with strawberry shortcake on it that I understood what she meant. I wanted to say something, but all I could do was give her a toothless smile and try to say, "Yeah."
Although it sounded nothing like what it was supposed to, she understood. "Of course you do!"
She went over to the tub, leaving me on top of the toilet seat. She started the water and poured a little bit of the product in. She came back to me with a smile on her face.
All I could do was look at her in awe. She looked so beautiful, and I loved that smile on her face. It was rare, but it was nice.
"Come on, mama, we have to get you cleaned up!" She picked me up and brought me to the tub.
Once I got in, I was so happy I began to play with the bubbles. They smelled so good, I tried to taste them, but the woman stopped me.
"Y/n, no, these aren't edible, baby," she laughed. Once she stopped laughing, she just looked at me. I didn't notice her looking at first, but when I did, I turned to stare at her as well. It wasn't until I turned my head sideways that she stopped.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to stare. You must have found that weird," she giggled.
She picked up a cloth from the side of me and began putting some soap on it. "Now it's time to clean you, my love," the woman said, and that she did.
While she cleaned me, she began to vent about her life.
"Your dad drives me crazy, y/n. He's always blabbing about something," she said. Her sentence made me giggle. I even tried to repeat the word "babbling," but it just came out as "bla," which made the woman laugh, and then she went back to ranting.
"Not to mention my dealers are out of town, so I'm completely sober. News flash: he sounds way worse sober." I giggled at her funny faces. But the woman only sighed.
"I have a feeling you like me better sober, though, right, y/n?" I looked at her, confused again, not knowing what she was talking about.
"I know when I'm sober I'm more active with you, I'm better for you, and I'm less of a bitch. I hate myself for not being the best I can be for you, and I promise one day I'll change. You hear me, y/n? I'm going to change for you and be the best person I can be. I'll be the mama you deserve!"
The woman was basically shouting at this point, and I could tell she was done speaking.
"Bitch," I said, clear enough for the woman to hear.
Her face dropped and she looked at me. "What did you just say, young lady?"
I giggled at her and said my new word again. "Bitch."
"Y/n, you can't say words like that," the woman said, with horror on her face.
"Ugh, I really have to watch what I say around you," she said, reaching for the bathtub stopper and letting the water out.
"Bitch," I said again. I thought the funny faces she was making because of this word were hilarious, so yes, I kept saying it.
"Y/n, please don't say words like that. I know I said it, and I'm sorry, but I don't want you saying it, so from now on, I won't say it either, okay?" The woman tried to reason with me.
I gave her a smile before I said my other word that the woman was always used to hearing. "Mama."
The lady looked at me in awe before picking me up and lifting me in the air. "Aww, y/n, I love you," she said, pulling me to her chest and giving me kisses.
I may not have known a lot of things she talked about or what she meant most of the time, but I knew what the word "love" meant, and I would do anything to hear her say it.
That was fifteen years ago and that woman is nowhere to be found.
Or should I say she’s just not the same person she was when I was two?
“Y/N” the person beside me yelled.
"Hey pretty lady, don't get ahead of yourself," the guy next to me said, holding my hair back as I took another sniff of the white powder spread in a perfect line across the table in front of me.
"Can't I have one more fun night?" I mumbled, my words slurred. The way I spoke, the strange hand gestures I made, and the way my body swayed back and forth told everyone I was out of it. But those around me couldn't care less. We were all addicts, so who cared if I was a little more addicted than the others?
“Y/n, Why do you always say weird shit like that?” The boy across from me said while lighting a cigarette.
"I don't think my words are weird," I giggled as I leaned over the table and cupped his face. "But I do find it odd that we aren't on the dance floor right now," I said as I grabbed his collar and led him to the rest of the party.
“Y/n you don’t even like crowds so why the hell are you dragging me into one?”
“Because it’s fun now shut up and dance with me”
The man sighed and surrendered. He knew even if he tried, he wouldn't be able to resist my charm, so he gave in and let his feet get used to the rhythm that was playing on the speakers.
Rambo—that was the name of the man I was dancing with. He was very tall—I'm not sure how tall exactly—but he towered over me and couldn't fit in any vehicle with a roof. He had long black hair and dark eyes; if I hadn't known that no such thing as black eyes exists, I might have mistaken them for being black. He had random tattoos all over his body, but the one that grabbed my attention was the one on his hand—a sobbing kid getting food and drinks dumped on him while the individuals doing it laughed at him. I had a weird feeling that the boy was me—in pain and everyone around him laughing, a reflection of my life.
But no matter how attractive he was, how intriguing his tattoos were, or how well he could sometimes treat me, my brain was only focused on one thing.
The drugs he provided me.
Rambo was more than just a handsome man with mysterious tattoos. He was also a handsome man with mysterious tattoos who happened to be the town's biggest drug dealer. But, above all, my drug dealer.
So getting back to the dance floor.
No, I'm not dancing with him because I want to. In fact I had no intention of dancing with him for long. I just needed two things from him.
And as my feet move, In sync with the song that the speaker is blasting and my whole mind goes blank I can already tell that the first thing has been completed.
I did feel really bad using Rambo as a distraction but right now I needed it. After everything that’s gone on in my life today it’s what I needed.
I could already tell today was going to be a rough day. I had to take my mom to the mental hospital for the second time this year, she wanted to try and get better again. But that’s not why my day was going to be rough, it was going to be rough because I was finally going to confess to her something I had been keeping a secret for three years.
I knew it wasn’t going to be easy but I had to do it and I hoped she would be there for me.
I decided to wait until we were in the parking lot of the hospital to tell her so that things would be easier on my part.
“Mom” I looked over to the passenger seat. “I-“ suddenly my throat ran dry, “I need to tell you something” I felt tears coming out of my eyes.
“What is it my love?” She looked concerned.
Nick was my moms boyfriend of two years.
“What about Nick y/n, is something wrong with him, is he hurt?”
“No mom it’s-“ I had to take a deep breath before telling her because it was hard for me to say anything. “Mom Nick hurts me”
“He attacks me. When you’re asleep sometimes he comes into my room and starts hitting me. He punches me and slaps me for the smallest things mom. Yesterday when I didn’t put up the dishes he-“ mom cut me off
“Huh?” I was confused, didn't she care about what I was telling her?
“I SAID SHUT THE HELL UP” she screamed at me. I began to shake because my mom never screamed at me like this. “He wouldn’t do these things you can’t be telling me the truth”
“What mom? I wouldn’t lie about something like this please belie-“ Again she cut me off.
“I SAID SHUT THE HELL UP Y/N. ITS YOU YOU'RE THE FUCKING PROBLEM.”
“mom” I looked at her with tears starting to roll down my eyes.
“EVERY WEEK IT'S A NEW LIE. YOU'RE A LIAR AND ALL YOU DO IS MAKE PROBLEMS WITH OTHERS, WHY CAN'T YOU STOP THIS BULLSHIT Y/N?”
“MOM I'M NOT LYING HE DID THESE THINGS TO ME.”
“JUST STOP. DON'T YOU SEE THIS IS WHY NO ONE WANTS TO BS AROUND YOU?” She yelled.
“Mom” I said my voice barely being heard with tears pouring down my face.
“ALL YOU DO IS RUIN OTHER PEOPLE'S LIFES Y/N '' she continued with her hurtful words.
“YOU RUINED YOUR FATHERS LIFE.”
“ AND THANK GOD YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS BECAUSE THEIR LIVES WOULD BE RUINED TOO”
“mom that’s enough” I said but I guess my voice was still unheard.
“YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I WISH I NEVER HAD YOU Y/N. I WOULD BE SO MUCH HAPP-“
"Enough! Do you think I enjoy being in this situation? My life has been nothing but suffering. Everywhere I go, I'm hurt. I hate my life more than you know. Don't bother telling me any more. I wish I'd never been born too. Every morning brings more anguish." I had to take a breath because I said all of this while in tears but no I wasn’t finished.
"But, good grief, Mom, I thought maybe you would help me through this. Maybe you would comfort me through my suffering, like any mother would do. But no, you weren't even there. Do you know where you were? You were on that couch, taking pills left and right, while the man you were dating abused me for his own pleasure. And the nerve you have! You're sitting next to your only daughter who is willing to take care of you in your every state, yet you don't care that she is being hurt by the man you are choosing to date." You laughed. "But the funny thing is, this is expected, Mom. Yup, it's very expected. Because whether you're intoxicated or nearly on your deathbed, I am always there for you. But the minute I even open my mouth to tell you something, I am a liar. Yet, I never called you a liar all those times you told me you had stopped taking drugs. In fact, I applaud you, even though I knew you were lying straight to my face."
“Y/n I-“ your mother tried to speak but it was far too late.
"You know I try with you and Dad, I really do. After all the things you've both put me through, I still try to hold love in my heart, thinking one day you guys will be decent to me. But if I'm being honest, it's a never-ending cycle, and I'm tired of fighting." Just then, you unlocked the car doors. "Get out, Mom, and go start your healing process. This time, I hope you mean the words you say, and maybe you can be a better woman for Nick, because I'm well aware you'll never be one for me."
She frowned at me but still got out of the car without saying a word.
I didn’t care though. I mean what could she say anyways?
I began to break down in my car. I felt awful. I had just gone off on my mom. I didn’t mean to but the things she said made me so angry. I didn’t deserve those words but then again maybe she didn’t either? How the hell should I know.
I sighed and began to drive off. Idk where I was going, maybe Rambo’s house? I needed something to get my mind off of this situation and I knew he had it, so that’s where I was headed.
And that's how I ended up in my current situation and in need of a distraction. But you're probably wondering, if the first task has been completed, then what's the second one? Well, like I said, I needed something to get my mind off of my situation, and although the white powdery substance and the dancing may have helped for a little bit, I was looking for something that might last me all night - or maybe a whole lifetime if I played my cards right.
"Hey, Rambo," I asked and suddenly stopped dancing.
"Yes, sunshine?" he asked, still continuing to move his head and feet to the beat with a smile on his face.
"Do you happen to have pills on you?" I asked innocently.
"I sure do," he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a pill bottle and handed it to me. "Knock yourself out."
"Will do," I made my way upstairs to the bathroom. Before I entered, I turned around and took one last glance at the dance floor. I saw Rambo dancing with girls all around him and chuckled. Damn, I loved it when that man had a smile on his face.
I entered the bathroom and made my way to the toilet for a seat. I took a deep breath before popping open the pill bottle. The pills were small and blue, and the bottle was almost completely full. I laughed; only a fool would trust me with this many pills. I decided instead of taking the whole thing, I would just take three. Three would be enough to get me high, and I could handle everything else with my little pocket friend.
I popped out my phone and began to text Hitch. I just wanted to tell her, "Thank you," before I did something irreversible. She deserved at least a thank you.
After I sent the text, I waited about another ten minutes for the drugs to kick in, which they did. I pulled out the knife from my back pocket and examined it.
People always asked me why I carried this knife with me, and I never really gave an answer, so they just assumed it was for self-defense. I mean, I was a woman living in a town where a lot of shit went down. Who wouldn't want to have some sort of defense weapon?
But that wasn’t the case for me. In actuality, this was for personal usage, aka cutting. Yes, I know it’s weird to bring the knife I cut with places, but I never knew when I might need it, so I always had it on standby.
I rolled up my sleeves to reveal my arm with all the cuts on it. Maybe it was me being high, but I laughed. It was funny how I could name every reason behind why I had each cut.
“This one is from when Regan pushed me into a locker and everyone started laughing,” I laughed to myself while pointing at the cut. “Ugh, horrible times.”
I didn’t want to sit here and relieve all my awful memories so I decided that I would just take one last deep breath and open up the knife.
When I opened it up I was shocked. I had thought about doing this before but now I was finally doing it. It was such a weird feeling and so many questions were going in and out my head.
Is this the right thing to do?
What about your mom will she feel guilty?
Do you really want to do this?
I sighed. Honestly I wasn’t sure, was this the way to go? Probably not when have I ever gone the right way.
Nevertheless, I continued. It had been seventeen years and I still hadn’t found a reason to live; there was no need to waste any more time. With that, I took the knife and gave myself the deepest cut on my wrist I had ever done.
It hurt like an absolute bitch, and I wanted to scream so loud. I even thought of backing out for a second, and started silently begging, “Please make this stop. I've changed my mind; please!” I said, but my voice was barely above a whisper.
Tears started streaming from my eyes, and my lips started to tremble. This is it, I thought. This is where I end it all – no more pain, no more suffering. It's all over.
As more blood drained from my wrist, I began to get flashbacks – but not of every part of my life; only the good times. There were flashbacks of me running around the yard while Mama chased me, me and Hitch sitting on the swing talking about the boy she had a crush on at the time, and us being a giggly mess. I also remembered Mama holding me in her lap and singing to me. The flashbacks were deceiving me into thinking I had made the wrong choice, and sadly, I believed them.
I began to call for help, but my voice was still lower than a whisper: “Please, someone help me!” I cried, but it was far too late – the pain was so bad, and I could already feel myself slipping away.
I closed my eyes and swallowed my faith. This wasn't going to end like some fairytale. I did this to myself and needed to accept the fact that I was going to die. The sound drained from my ears, and I got off the toilet and laid on the floor. Suddenly, I felt okay with this ending; it wasn't such a bad one. To be honest, I'm surprised I didn't do this earlier. I sighed, "Well, y/n, it was nice knowing you." I said. "I'm sorry I couldn't let you live longer, and I hope you're not mad. I mean, you could have been a billionaire with an emotional background, but I cut that dream short." I chuckled. Even in death, I was still too pathetic to have anyone other than myself to talk to. "Goodbye now."
Just then, the door to the bathroom hit my head. "Is someone in here?" I heard a girl say. She continued to push the door; I don't think she knew it was my head. "Why the fuck is this door so heavy? I got to take a piss," she scoffed.
She ended up squeezing through the little crack she managed to make, and that's when she saw me. I was curled up in a little ball with my wrist tucked under me. "Oh, shit! I didn't know you were sleeping," she said, but of course, I didn't answer. She must have figured I was just a deep sleeper because she was pushing the door pretty hard on my head. Since I was facing away from the toilet, she just used the bathroom. When she was done, she washed her hands and looked back at me. She found it weird I wasn't moving at all. "I hope I didn't kill her," the woman said to herself. She sighed and checked my head. There were no injuries, but she still didn't walk away. She had a bad feeling; leaving a girl alone sleeping on a bathroom floor at a party full of people wasn't a good idea.
She began to tap me to tell me to get up, but there was no response. So she tried shaking me, but again no response. “Shit,” she said under her breath, “she’s probably passed out drunk.” The woman got up and sighed. She was thinking about just picking me up, but where exactly would she take me? I were drunk, and she wasn’t just about to go around asking strangers if they knew me. Then she thought that maybe I had a phone on me, and began to search.
After searching almost everywhere, she thought it might be in my hand and began to look there, but to her horror, the minute she got my hands from under me, there was no phone. Instead, there was blood soaking my shirt. “Shit,” she examined my wrist and realized a deep cut. “Don’t tell me she—” The girl had no time to think. The cut was too deep, and I was already unconscious. She couldn’t waste more time. She quickly picked me up and put me on her back and rushed to her car. She got strange looks, but it’s not like she noticed.
She put me in her car and started to drive. She didn’t even know where the hospital was; her body was on autopilot. But somehow, she managed to drive all the way there. She picked me up out of the car again and got you on her back. She couldn’t help but realize how cold I was.
She made it inside the hospital and went to the front lady. “I need help immediately!”
“Ma'am, you have to wait in the waiting area,”
“No, you don’t understand; she's bleeding out of her wrist and she's not responsive.”
“Bring her this way,” the lady stood up and took Annie to the emergency area. Soon, doctors came out with a stretcher and helped take me off her back and laid her down.
“What's her name?” the nurse asked while the doctors rolled her away.
She looked at her but she couldn’t tell. She looked so lifeless. “I have no idea; she was just at a party I went to.”
“What's your name?” The nurse asked.
“Thank you. She's in good hands; you can wait for her over there,” the nurse pointed over at the waiting room.
Annie shook her head and made her way over there.
Annie ended up waiting there all night. The nurses told her multiple times that she could leave, but she refused; she didn't know you, or anything about you, but she wanted to make sure you were all right. At about seven a.m., a nurse came out and told her you were doing okay; she said it was likely you would be up in a couple of minutes, if she wanted to stick around for that.
Annie obviously agreed. She waited a few more minutes until the nurse told her you were ready. She followed the nurse to your room and there you were. Your eyes were blankly staring at the wall in front of you, and you looked scared. Annie just stared at you. She could tell exactly who you were now: You were Y/N L/N, and everything started to make sense to her. She knew how bad your school life was; she and you went to the same school and word gets around like wildfire. She knew about the bullying, the harassment, the abuse, and the rumors spread on you, but she never thought it was this bad.
“I want to leave” I whispered.
“I’m sorry dear but we need to call your parents” the nurse said.
“No, please, just let me go home,” I said.
“We need you to tell us how you got that cut on your hand,” the nurse replied.
“It was from broken glass; can I go now?”
“Well, you need someone to--”
“I'll do it,” Annie said.
“Huh?” the nurse said, confused.
“I'll take her home,” I said.
“Alright,” the nurse handed me a bag with my stuff in it.
I got up to change and went outside with the woman who said she'd take me home. In reality, I had no intention of going with her; I just didn't want to hear that nurse speak anymore.
I began to walk away in my own direction.
“Where are you going?” she called out to me.
“Don't worry about it,” I said, still walking away.
Suddenly, a hand touched my shoulder. “Hey, I said I'll take you home.”
“Back off. Why do you care so much? I'm not going home, and I don't even know you. So please, leave me alone.”
I tried to walk away, but she wasn't budging. “Hey, I said--” She didn't even say anything; she just started dragging me to her car.
Annie didn't take me home that day. Instead, she took me to get food and then to her house, where I showered and she let me borrow her clothes. After that, we went to watch a movie together. It's like she could tell that's what I needed after the night before.
After that day, Annie and I were almost always side by side. I got to know her and I trusted her; I knew I could tell her anything, and she would always be by my side.
I said Annie was the one following me around, but if I'm being honest, it's probably the other way around. Annie was the sunshine I needed when the storm got too dark and noisy; I knew that wherever she went, there would be some sort of light for me, so of course I followed her around.
As time went on, Annie realized I was relying on her to be a source of light and strength in my life. So she decided to be the light I needed to find my way through the darkness and to be the support I needed until I could learn to stand on my own.
And although I will never get her to admit it she and I both knew that the bond formed that day would forever be unbreakable.
A/n ~ I don’t really like how this chapter ended but idk what else to put/change. Also y’all I swear Rambo is so fine like I wish I could give y’all my mind to see him he’s so babygirl 😭