loving someone with bpd/avpd
when i start splitting it feels like there is no stable ground under my feet. understand this.
i get so exhausted by small tasks, i get annoyed with noises, there is static in my head. understand i need time to relax in the quiet without stimuli. you can be next to me, that helps.
when i start disassociating i feel like a ghost, like people can walk through me, like im stuck in a video game and the person playing my character doesn’t know what the fuck they’re doing. hold my hand. you will help bring me back. this is called “grounding”.
when i am touched, i disassociate. sex is hard because of triggers. remember this isn’t anything you’ve done wrong.
i cry when people yell at me or tell me i did something wrong. please watch your tone, take breaks from talking if you’re frustrated with me.
i disassociate when im under pressure to make a decision or do something important. give me time to think, please be patient because my brain does not process as quickly as yours.
when people talk to me i sometimes don’t realize until after they’re done speaking. please don’t get mad if i ask you to repeat what you say. i genuinely want to hear and process what you have to say.
i feel like no one means what they say to me unless it’s negative. i imagine abandonment and it keeps me up at night. reassure me that you care. this will do wonders. this will help me sleep.
i have delusions of abandonment, i believe that someone actively in my life has left me and i get physically sick. tell me that you’re here.
i feel empty. hold my hand.
i do not use people. i do not manipulate people just because im lonely. it’s hard for me to even reach out to a person when i feel vulnerable or lonely. if i do this, know that you mean the world to me.
no one in my life who was supposed to stay has ever stayed. my brain repeats this sentence over and over when i have an attack. tell me that you’re here. you don’t have to promise that you’ll stay, just remind me that you’re here and that you’re real.
i have never been fully loved by another person and that’s all i think about when i split. tell me you love me.
i do not rage like the stereotypical bpd, instead i just feel a void and i get angry at the void and i spiral into a cycle of self-hatred and apathy. do not let my hatred towards myself make you think you have done something wrong. do not try to make me love myself.
when i split i do not care about anything in my life. i’m impulsive. i randomly decide to drive on the wrong side of the road. i spend all my money the first time i go into a store. remember this. offer to hold me accountable for things.
sometimes all of this just feels like a very loud roller coaster ride and i just want to lay down next to a breathing body in silence. i don’t want to be touched or talked to. i just want to lay and breathe and exist. i just want to be loved silently and existentially. peace, existing, loving quietly. i do not need to be loved with a bullhorn. i do not need to be loved with flowers or grandiose gestures or romance or celebrating. i need to be loved in little moments. when my head is screaming and thrashing and storming i do not need to be loved in a yell. when i hate myself loudly i do not need to be loved loudly. i need a whisper, to be loved in a whisper, to be waited for. to be understood. to have someone know that baby steps are giant leaps, that i am trying. i do not need promises, i will undo them in my head. lay next to me, stare at the ceiling with me.
love me small and i will love you big.
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