I know it isn’t completely the end of my experience here in Taiwan on the Fulbright, but it is winding down. For those of you who know me very well, this reflection won’t be full of surprises, but for others this will be a revelation of my feelings, my emotions, and the experiences I have been through this year.
When I first began applying for the Fulbright, it was a stressful process. It was full of self-doubt. Should I be doing this? Why should I even try? There is no way I am as good as everyone who receives a Fulbright. Surely, they all have the resumes of saints and/or perfectionists. But, somewhere along the way I dropped this self-shaming, hurtful thinking in favor of confidence. I was working on my essays and starting to believe my recommenders, my friends, my peers, and my family when they told me that I deserve to be on the Fulbright. But still the doubt remained in the back of my head.
When I made it past the first round of cuts, I thought well this is it, I actually have a chance. I am worthy, I am going to get this. I waited, and waited for that next email. It was the day before I had to accept or deny grad school decisions when the email finally came. I was shaking. I read it, and read it again, and out loud just to make sure my eyes weren’t deceiving me. I couldn’t believe it. I had actually gotten the Fulbright. And no one was around to tell. Everyone was at school, or at work. I left dozens of voice mails and text messages.
Looking back at that moment, I didn’t realize how difficult this would be, nor how rewarding. All I knew was I was leaving for Taiwan in a few short months to some island called Kinmen off the coast of China.
We knew nothing about Kinmen. We arrived with open minds and open hearts. For many of us, Kinmen filled both. The people, and especially our students, bring us joy every day. For some of us, the experience has made us certain of what we want to do with our careers. I, for one, know I want to be a teacher of ESL/EFL and have changed my plans drastically since opening that letter on April 14th, 2014. Others now know that teaching isn’t for them. I know I will miss the bubble tea, the 蔥油餅, the sweet potatoes, the taro, and of course the insane spicy sauce that goes on everything here. I have made life long friends with both my fellow American teachers and my Taiwanese co teachers.
The Fulbright for me, like many of its participants, is the first big “job” or step that we have had since graduating from undergrad. We have student loans and we have no idea what we are doing. We are just derping around trying to figure it out. This was supposed to be a safe year to grow on a supportive program that gives us the chance to interact with and positively influence Taiwan. It was supposed to be a year in which we could look back and remember fondly the country, the people, the students, the food, the life, and the friends that we have here. And we will remember those things. But, there will be one giant permanent stain on what could have been a picture perfect memory.
To put it simply, after months of being manipulated, harassed, repressed, deceived and isolated, my fellow ETAs and myself had finally found the proof we needed to rid ourselves of quite possibly the worst human being I have ever met. This man was supposed to be our advocate. He was supposed to make our lives easier and use his connections and relations to ensure that we had the best year possible in Kinmen. Instead he used his influence to trap us and steal from us. He stole from us. He stole our innocence, he stole our trust, and he stole our money. As far as the money goes, he has lost his job. He is no longer employed by Fulbright Taiwan and will no longer be associated with them in any way. Our money will be returned to us. When made aware of his deception and wrongdoings Fulbright acting swiftly and efficiently to right our wrongs. But our innocence? Our trust? I don’t think any of us can ever get our innocence back. And some people it will take longer to regain their ability to trust than others.
Being taken advantage of in this way hurts. It cuts a deep, emotional wound. I have suffered migraines. I have suffered panic attacks. I have become violently ill. All in the attempt of not getting on this man’s “bad side”, because it would only get worse if I fell out of favor with him. And when I think back on my experience here in Kinmen, it will be forever shrouded in the shadow that is this man’s influence and tyranny.
But, at the same time, I need to thank him. I don’t want to. I want to hate him and see him suffer. And I will, I will hate him. And he will most certainly suffer. But all the same, I have grown from this experience.
I now know to trust my gut. I now know that when I feel like someone has malicious intentions, they probably do. I shouldn’t ignore that feeling. Instead, I should limit them from my life, cut them out completely if I can, but if not investigate their actions until I have my answers.
I now know that my friends are my family. Only families can survive the kind of torment we went through together. I know we don’t always get along. But neither do siblings. I love you guys, and you have helped me grow and become more aware of my capabilities and influence in the world. You’ve made me aware of social issues to which I was previously ignorant. I thank you.
I am stronger now than I was at the beginning of this journey. Yes, I am currently battered, and sometimes broken, but I know how to put this puzzle back together. I know who I am. I know what I deserve. I know I will move on and continue to be brave in the face of danger.
So here’s to you scumbag! I may remember you as an obstacle during this short period of my life. But you, sir, you will always have to remember me, us, the Kinmen ETAs, as the people who you tried to con, and failed. You have failed at every aspect of your job and your personal life. You didn’t advocate. You didn’t help. And in the end, you didn’t even make money. You are a complete and utter disgrace. And us? We are survivors. We are champions. We are teachers. We are students. We have bright and glorious futures ahead of us. You can and will never compare to us.
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