i miss my friends!!! and not even just a solely covid thing, because soon enough (ish, but you know) we’ll be vaccinated and i’ll be able to hug those near me, but god just thinking about friends in far off places, friends from home, friends in various states. and something i was processing out loud to evan a few weeks ago was how with my family far flung as well i will spend my earned vacation time, time off from work, to visit them, which isn’t where more friends are, and that’s a difference between our friends here, whose families all live in town, who see their parents and their siblings so consistently, and thus use their ~free time~ differently. and evan said that i’m weirdly close to my family, not in a bad way, just a unique special way, and i guess i don’t like to think that’s true because i hope everyone could have such good relationships with their family, but i know that it probably is true. anyway, i see what he means, it’s not like i have to spend all my time off on trips to see my family, but i do and i love them and i want to. i just also have this longing to see my friends, of course, of course i do, and i just don’t know when i’m ever going to be able to see them. see them all at any rate. how long would it take to make the rounds, to have the time off to make all the visits i want to, and what does that mean? and how young and stupid it makes me feel to stubbornly deny the reality that this is what is, that i am far from my friends. i recognize and can find joy in knowing i have loved ones in so many places, that so many pieces of my heart are all over, but of course i wish i could see them all so much more. and i can’t deny that part of this longing feels like a longing for my people, my friends, because i love my friends here but so often can see that i’m the odd one out, the strange addition, lovingly embraced and accepted but always somewhat distanced, not understanding their entrenched histories. obviously there is beauty and love in every stage but sometimes you just want the friend you drank your first full beer with, the friend who let you cry on their lap after your first small heartbreak, the friend who’s seen you in all your stages.
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