Alright, tumblr. Here I am again to bitch and moan, as I always am. I don’t come here often. Sometimes I come to look back at silly internet stuff, or dumb emo stuff that I’ve posted in the last 5 or so years. I feel as though I do not know the person that started this blog. Things have changed immensely for the worse and for the better all at once. It’s been a big internet joke: the “trash fire” that has been the year 2016. That’s hellaciously true for me, though it feels “ironic” and “cheeky” to say. I was really hoping things would end on a good note. They aren't. Let’s be honest, a year is just an arbitrary length of time that we’ve defined as this ‘thing’. This chunk of imaginary, linear, time and space. It means nothing, but it’s nice to quantify. As if I could somehow cap off an end to this god-awful shit-fest of a 12 months and be done with it. I can’t. Things aren’t just going to get better magically at the stroke of midnight on 1/1/17. I wish they would. I need it. The people around me need it. I need a kidney. I need a kidney or I am going to die. There, I said it. I will die without a kidney. I will continue to live this existence of being tied to my dialysis machine every night. I will continue this until one day my body says no more, and then I will die. It’s terrifying, really, to think that. I have been so certain that I would just find a donor. I still feel hopeful, but I’m cautiously optimistic. I don’t know what my next step is. I guess it’s just to go on waiting.
turnnoffyourmind
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