Can I Speak To The Architect?

GA | IG: ambeardontcare

[primavera-aura]

Gentleness, intimacy, little moments, little touches, whispers, slow kisses, slow everything, eye contact, body heat, being held firm, caressed lightly, adored, worshipped, reassured, protected,

[girlmostlikely]

This is sooooo me ❤️‍🩹

[unrealunearths]

merry crisis

[ttagebuchgern]

sometimes the right decisions hurt too

[achillesinhighheels]

[aidashakur]

[thebelchers]

Bob’s Burgers, Christmas in the Car (S04E08)

[introvertsnation]

[catchymemes]

[introvertsnation]

[knocksyouoffyourfeet]

When did I stop dancing?

As a kid, I was always moving. I remember cringing as a teen watching the old VHS tapes of me dancing as a child. One distinct memory is of me dancing along to "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul. I was absolutely enjoying my little toddler life so much from the looks of that video. I also remember dancing with my friends/neighbors and in my room to Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, 3LW, Destiny's Child, Janet Jackson, and so many others in the early 2000s. My friends and I would act out being in the "Oops...I Did it Again" video and thought we had the moves DOWN. Lol. I remember we even tried to dress like Britney when our moms weren't paying attention... As I got older some of my music changed or more so I added more types of music to my CD collection. Have you guessed how old I am yet? Anyway, I added some punk rock and shit to my music. But I know I still danced around my room some, even if I also started adding in some angsty, hate my life, teen music.

But there had to be a day where I just stopped dancing. I know this happened without me even realizing it until well...now really. As an older teen and then as an adult I started telling people "I don't dance". I still catch myself saying it. Or that I can't dance. But I remember loving it as a kid. So when exactly did I stop trying? And when did I start to fear it? Seriously, I don't think I danced at all at my prom. I was too scared. Too ashamed of how I looked, how uncool I was...I was absolutely self-conscious as hell. My confidence was non-existent. I didn't start to really get comfortable with myself until my mid twenties but even then I had convinced myself that I was this particular person. Maybe I was but did I have to be? Now, in my 30s, I've realized that the boxes I put myself in were so unnecessary. So much has happened and my life has changed so dramatically this year. We all know they say "life is short" but damn it's true. I know there have been times where I felt like it "wasn't short enough" but I don't feel that way at all anymore. I do not want to die without having LIVED my life. Man, this post is all over the place I feel...I've got so much I wanna write about. I am trying to remember and embrace the things that brought me joy as a kid. The childhood that was abruptly ended because my mom and paw paw were both sick/disabled. I had to grow up and help. I tried to hold on to what brought me joy as much as I could (music, dancing, etc.) but I was told that my dreams were unrealistic. So I guess at some point I gave up on all of it. Even the silly dancing in my room.

I guess there's no better time than now to start again...

[introvertsnation]

[knocksyouoffyourfeet]

My mom died.

I can't believe I just typed those words. It instantly made me cry and feel this pain in my chest. I've been saying/texting the people close to me for two days now "My mom passed". It's almost like I've been afraid to say dead or died. But she did. She is. And I never thought it would hurt like this. I took care of her for the last two years. Her health was declining so bad. I was the one who took care of her back in 2016 when she had to have major heart surgery too. When she made the decision to start hospice care about two weeks ago she told us that she had been tired since 2016. Her body had gone through hell and back since she was 5 years old. Type 1 diabetes is a son a of a bitch. But of course she was far from perfect and did not try to manage her diabetes well either. We fought my whole life about what she should or shouldn't be doing. Hell we fought about EVERYTHING. But in the final weeks and days there was an eerie calm. Lol. She was almost...nice...and the last thing she really said to me before she stopped talking was "I love you". I think that day or the day before maybe was the day she also said "Is that Randy Savage? Did Randy Savage just walk in?". I bout died at that one. How fucking random and weird. But she definitely gave me a good story to tell of her final days and her last few conversations with me. She also kept telling me "it's not that bad" when I would cry in her room at the nursing home. She had made up her mind. She was having to do dialysis to stay alive and the outlook for other issues she'd developed wasn't good at all. She just didn't want to do it anymore. I can't blame her. Who wants to go on suffering like that? But she was only 50. I can't wrap my head around it. She looked about 80 when she passed. Oddly enough seeing her after she passed - she no longer had the pained expression she'd had for so long. I hope she is at peace. Everyone around me says she is. I have to believe that she made the right decision and remember that this is what she wanted. She had faith that she would be going on to a better place where she wouldn't have to be in pain anymore. Where she doesn't need injections, or a million pills, where she isn't having to need assistance to do every little thing, where she isn't blind...

She had it fucking rough. She took that shit out on others all of her life but I don't want to get into that today. She was difficult and complicated but I know she cared about me. It's so fucked up. I'm sure I'll have more to say later but I think this helped some for now.

[peachesxncream]

Doing kinky stuff while my joints are popping like rice crispies

[dan-tad]

did you know public libraries are free and beautiful

[safeandsound]

yeah sex is cool but have you ever appreciated your public library and supported it so it can continue giving access to countless resources

[introvertsnation]