the worst part about being so into jackass is the horrible gender envy why can’t i look like that and act like that and do that why not me why why why why
Bro when they put Ehren in the ELECTRIC CHAIR in the new jackass movie I wanted to cry like omg he's so cute stop that 😢😢😢 stop being so mean to him 😢😢😢😢
A/N: I'm uploading this on Johnny Knoxville's birthday, so Happy Birthday Johnny. Also, this fic is based on the TRAOJ chapter that has not been uploaded yet. So, enjoy! ❤️
After the cake fight, you were at the park, sitting on the ground with a blanket underneath you. You were feeling down that today was the last day of the trip, so you had your upper legs close to you, and you held them together as you sighed.
However, Johnny noticed you looking up at the sky while having your upper legs close to you, feeling down, which made him feel guilty, so he went to you and sat next to you. Johnny had his hand on your back and asked, "What's wrong, puddin'?"
You stopped looking at the sky and turned your head to look at Johnny, "It's nothing, Johnny." You answered.
Johnny sees through your response and says, "Don't tell me it's nothing, sweetheart. It has to be something. So tell me, what's on your mind?"
You sighed, let go of your arms from your legs, and had your legs straightened out with your arms behind you. You took a deep breath and said, "Well, it sucks that I have to leave later today, and I just wish I could stay for another 10 days."
"Oh," Johnny rubbed your back to comfort you, "Well, at least you get to look back on all the fun times you had with us, and you will never forget this experience for a very long time." Johnny answered.
"I know, but-" you slightly stumbled your words.
"But what, darlin? Did the cat catch your tongue?" Johnny said, jokingly.
You still looked at him, gave him a slight smile, sighed, and then looked at the sky and said, "I appreciate the jokes, but I just wish someone could please me on my last day here, let alone on my birthday."
Johnny's eyes bulged a bit in surprise, "Oh," then his eyes relaxed just to say, "Well, doll."
You looked at him once more and replied with a simple, "Yes?"
Johnny quickly took a breath before saying, "If you asked someone to release some stress from you, you came to the right guy. So, lie down, relax, and let me do all the work, doll."
You smiled at him and lay down right after, but Johnny had something in mind when he said, "Wait, before I do this, I need you to do me a favor."
You looked at him and said, "Sure, what is it?"
Johnny made a sly smile on his face before saying, "I want you to strip naked for me."
You were caught by surprise by his favor, but you were uncertain to strip naked at a park, let alone in every other public area, so you asked, "Johnny, are you sure, because stripping in a public park is a bit inappropriate?"
"Yeah, I'm sure, and besides, the park is reserved for us, so no other people can come here and disturb us." Johnny explained casually.
"That's valid, but before I stripped down naked, can we do it like under a shade of a tree or something?" You requested.
Johnny nodded and replied, "Sure, doll."
You and Johnny stood up, and you grabbed the blanket. After you did that, Johnny took your hand and lead to a tree where it's mostly shaded, but did it sneakily so they wouldn't get caught by the crew.
Eventually, they made it, and you put down the blanket to form it back up before you and Johnny lay back down. Johnny looked at you, "So, what are you waiting for? Strip for me, puddin'."
"Alright, Johnny." You said as you took off your clothes, including your shoes. Then, after you took off all of your clothes, you fully lie down and spread your legs while Johnny rubbed his hands together with excitement. Johnny stopped rubbing his hands to ask, "Are you ready, sweetheart?"
You nodded and said, "Yes, I am, Johnny."
"Alright then, close your eyes, doll." He said.
You closed your eyes, and you took a deep breath right after. Johnny then slowly trails his fingers on your stomach to your entrance, and you gasp slightly in pleasure.
Johnny made a sly smile when you gasped, then he slowly put his fingers inside you, which you moaned a little too loudly. "Ohhhhh-" However, Johnny put his finger to your lips to shush you. "Shhh, don't moan too loud, Sweetheart." He said softly yet casually.
Johnny took his finger off your lips to let you speak, "Why?" You asked softly.
"Because I don't want them to hear you, let alone us." Johnny answered.
Eventually, you understood and said, "Alright then, continue."
Johnny nodded at you and started fingering you slowly, which you moaned quietly and softly simultaneously. "Ohhhh, Johnny." You moaned his name. As he kept going, he decided to fasten his pace, which you immediately covered your mouth to prevent yourself from moaning too loud. Johnny slyly looked at you and said, "Cat got your tongue, huh?"
You nodded slowly.
"Are you enjoying yourself, sweetheart?" Johnny asked as he kept going.
You nodded again, but Johnny doesn't want to see you enjoying it; he wanted to hear you say it. So, he gently moved your hand from your mouth and said, "I want you to say it, sweetheart."
You were struggling to respond to him with words, but as you were struggling to speak, Johnny had his thumb on your clit and started caressing it, which immediately forced you to respond to him verbally. "Yes, Johnny, Yes!" You said as you shrieked.
Johnny slyly smiled at you and said, "Good girl."
As he kept going, Johnny started to fondle both your breasts, and you continued moaning as usual. But then all of a sudden, he stopped fingering and fondling your breasts, slowly moved down, and spread your legs to eventually eat you out. You gasped and immediately moaned when he did that. "Ohhhh, PJ. I didn't know you had it in you?" You commented as you moaned.
Johnny stopped and slightly chuckled against your core. Then he took his lips off your snatch to look at you and said, "Well, because we're just getting started, darlin'."
Johnny continued his onslaught, and you moaned as a result. Then you started to sweat, and you had the back of your right hand and placed it on your forehead as he kept going. "Ohhh, PJ. You're driving me crazy." You said as you moaned.
Because of your compliment, Johnny started putting his fingers inside you and started fingering you at a steady pace, which you hitched and tightened your closed eyes. "Oh my goodness, Johnny. You're amazing."
As he kept going, Johnny decided to add another finger inside you, which made you moan a bit loudly, but you put your hand on your mouth to cover your loud moans. Johnny slightly chuckled against your core, which is a sign of him doing a good job.
As he kept at the same pace as before, he started licking your clit, which you took your hand off your mouth to put both hands on your head, and bit your bottom lip to control your erratic moans as a result of his tactic. Then, you started to caress your own body as Johnny kept going, "Ohhhh, Johnny...Ohhhhhhhh, PJ." You moaned.
Several minutes had passed, and Johnny had a feeling that you were going to cum soon rather than later, so he stopped eating you out and adjusted himself by sitting up while managing to keep his fingers inside you in and out at a steady pace.
Johnny looked at you and asked, "Are you going to cum, sweetheart?"
You stopped biting your bottom lip, quickly nodded, and said, "Yes, Johnny."
Johnny slyly smiled and said, "Alright, that's all I wanted to hear, doll." He eventually picked up at a faster pace to have you release at a quick fashion, which you couldn't take much longer, and really have you let it out.
Eventually, after a few quick thrusts with his fingers inside you, you finally came hard on his fingers while you managed to quiet your moans during your release.
After a whole minute of you recovering from your high, Johnny slowly took his fingers out of you to look at them and moved them apart to see your wetness stretch, then looked at you, and softly said, "Now, open your eyes."
You did so by slowly opening your eyes to look at Johnny. "How do you feel, doll?"
"Much better, to be honest." You replied.
"That's good, sweetheart." Johnny replied gladly.
"And look," Johnny brought his hand slightly closer to you, "Your pussy is so good that your wetness stretches when I move my fingers apart." He said as he showed it to you.
You softly smiled and chuckled when he did that. You eventually took a breath and said, "I enjoyed my time here, thanks for pleasing me, Johnny."
"No problem, doll." As Johnny looked at you, he was mesmerized by your nude figure that he had to compliment on by saying, "Haven't I told you that you looked beautiful and sexy while nude?"
You blushed and giggled at his complimentary response and said, "No, but thanks for the compliment, Johnny."
Johnny chuckled, "No problem, sweetheart."
Johnny stopped chuckling and eventually said, "You can put your clothes back on, Y/N."
You casually looked at him and nonchalantly said, "I know, but just for a little while. I just want to feel cool breeze on my nude body, and as you said, the park is reserved, right?"
Johnny slightly chuckled and said, "Well, you're not wrong on that."
"Well,"
"Well?"
You had your arms out and said, "Johnny, come here. Come lie next to me."
Johnny did just that and held your nude body close to him.
You gently touched his face and said, "Haven't I told you that I'm going to miss you?"
Johnny smiled, "Yes, you did, darlin'. Well, I'm going to miss you too, no doubt about it."
You smiled at him and softly said, "Okay."
"Also-"
"Yes, what is it?" You said.
"You taste better than the cake, doll." Johnny said as he tasted his fingers in front of you.
You smiled and said, "Thanks, Johnny. That's so sweet of you."
"No problem, doll." He said.
You and Johnny chilled out together for a while before you had to go from your backstage pass trip.
Calls Don't Count (Cheating! Johnny Knoxville x Reader) [Smut]
This was an anonymous request! The only other cheating fic I’ve written was also a Knoxville fic, and that was written almost 4 years ago, so it was interesting to do a different take on this concept. I've left the time period ambiguous here, so you can decide for yourself whether this is with younger or older Johnny! This is a lot more porn than plot lol.
MAJOR DISCLAIMER: I don't condone real-life cheating! It's a bitch move and totally inexcusable. This is just a work of fiction.
Description: You and Johnny haven't seen each other in person for months, ever since filming wrapped up for the Jackass movie you met on the set of, but that's alright; you've got your weekly phone sex sessions to tide you over! Of course, Johnny's married and hiding these sessions from his wife, but you try not to think about that when you're getting each other off. After all, as Johnny insists, 'calls don't count.'
Warnings: Female Reader, Phone Sex, Mutual Masturbation, A shit ton of dirty talk (this is VERY dialogue heavy for obvious reasons), Cheating (Johnny is married but insists sexy phone calls don't count as being unfaithful), Vague maledom-femsub dynamics, Mention of hickeys and Johnny marking you as his territory, Reader is a little morally gray and seems to want to ignore the fact that this is an affair altogether, Gets mildly angsty at the end cuz they both want to be together
Tag List: @eyesofaliar
You let your phone ring for almost half a minute before you finally picked up, smiling to yourself when Johnny's relieved tone hit your ears.
"Jeez, sweetie, took you long enough. I was starting to think you didn't want to talk to me today."
"Sorry." You made no effort to actually sound sorry. "I figured talking to me is worth enough that you wouldn't mind waiting a little."
You could hear Johnny chuckling to himself. "You're something else, you know that? But you're right, it is. I'd wait an hour on this stupid ass phone if it meant I could talk to you for even a few minutes."
God, he's sweet. You leaned back against your pillows, stretching your legs out on your bed and grinning like an idiot.
"Aw, listen to you. It's cute when you act like you're not just calling me to get your rocks off."
Johnny huffed. "Come on, honey, don't sell me so short. I happen to enjoy our little talks, whether or not my dick is involved."
You tucked your phone between your ear and your shoulder to free up your hands, letting one drift down between your thighs to just barely rub at yourself through your panties.
"Well, is your dick involved right now? It would kinda suck if it isn't, given that I'm sitting on my bed in just my underwear right now."
"Oh? Do tell." You heard shuffling sounds on Johnny's end as he got comfortable, and pictured him laying out on his bed or his couch with a lazy grin on his face and an arm folded behind his head, the way he'd always sat in chairs on set during the filming of the Jackass movie where you and him had met. You hadn't been able to see each other in person since filming had ended a few months earlier, but your weekly phone calls ensured the image of him stayed fresh in your mind.
"Nothing too interesting, just black panties. The fabric's nice and thin though, so I can feel everything through it." You rubbed little circles over your pussy through your panties, just barely applying pressure, and you could hear Johnny take a sharp breath.
"I dunno, baby, that sounds pretty damn interesting to me. Tell me more. Paint a pretty picture for me of what you're doing right now."
There was a clinking sound, like he was pulling down the zipper of his pants, and you gasped in faux-offense.
"Johnny, are you unzipping your pants already? What a pervert, I haven't even said anything yet. You didn't even wait for me to tell you that my boobs are completely out and I'm touching myself through my panties...oops, guess I've told you now."
You could hear Johnny's toothy grin in the tone of his voice. "You've got a lot of nerve getting onto me for something you're already doing, sweetie. Sounds to me like we're on the same page."
"Are we? I mean, I'm already touching myself, and it doesn't sound like you've even taken your dick out yet."
"Oh, you'll know when I have, baby, just be patient. Are you fingering yourself yet?"
You hummed a 'no' and sighed. "No, not yet. You need to get me in the mood first, Knoxville. Put that sexy voice to use and make me wet."
Johnny whistled. "That's a daunting task. Let me think...you wanna hear the dream I had about you last night?"
You raised a curious eyebrow. "Depends on what type of dream it was."
"You know what type of dream it was, baby. I don't remember how it started, but at some point you were suddenly in my living room, just standing there completely naked and doing this sexy little dance for me. God, it was so fucking hot. You sat in my lap at one point, and we were making out and you were letting me touch your boobs, and then I went to touch your pretty little pussy and you stopped me."
His breathing got a little heavier, like he was getting turned on just from remembering the dream — which he probably was.
"Why'd I stop you?" You let your voice drop down to a lower, more sultry tone, pressing your fingers down more firmly against your panties to apply a little more pressure.
"I'm so glad you asked, baby. You stopped me and said I'd have to beg you for it if I really wanted to touch you there...Jesus Christ, I'm already hard as a rock just from talking about it."
You grinned to yourself when you heard the muffled sound of rustling fabric; you'd had enough phone calls with Knoxville to know that that sound was him freeing his hard cock from the confines of his jeans.
"I can tell, you're breathing like you just ran a marathon. That's not a half bad idea though, making you beg. Shame you're not here in person to recreate that little dream with me."
Johnny sighed wistfully. "Don't I wish. You know the rules though, baby, phone calls only. Guess I'll have to settle for your pretty voice and my filthy imagination for now."
You pointedly ignored the first remark; remembering that Johnny had a wife who wasn't aware of your little arrangement was the last thing you wanted to do during what was supposed to be a sexy phone call.
"Guess so. Why don't you use that imagination of yours to try and picture what I'd do to you if I were there right now?"
You pushed your panties aside and pushed a finger inside, moaning softly under your breath, and you heard Johnny swallow heavily.
"Shit, sweetie, sounds like you're already picturing it for me. But since you asked, I like to think you'd be sitting between my legs right now with that sexy little mouth around my hard dick."
His breathing was still getting heavier and heavier, but you could tell he wasn't touching himself yet. Time to spur him on.
"Just the thought of that makes me wet. I think about sucking your cock all the time, you know. Even on set I got so horny just thinking about pushing you into one of those little ass closets and yanking your boxers down and getting my mouth around your long, hard dick. I bet it tastes amazing, too, so I'd probably end up getting addicted to giving you blowjobs and would have to beg you to let me do it every day."
Johnny let out a sharp moan, and you could hear through the phone that he'd started pumping his slick shaft in his free hand.
“You wouldn’t have to beg me for shit, baby, you’d have full access whenever the fuck you wanted it. All day, everyday, no questions asked. You could even write your name in lipstick on it if you wanted to, just to claim it as yours.”
You giggled, pushing another finger in and laying your head back against the pillow.
“Wouldn’t that be cute? Your boxers would get all fucked up when you put them back on though, it would look like a crime scene.”
“It would be totally worth it. What are you doing now?” His voice went slightly breathy, and you tried to imagine what he was doing; you pictured his big, sexy hand working up and down his shaft, his long fingers rubbing the head, his hips jerking and twitching every time he thrust into his own grip.
"I've got two fingers in...I may free up my other hand here in a second to play with my tits, too, but I'm not sure yet."
Johnny groaned. "If I was there I could free up both your hands for you, baby. Right now I've got my eyes closed so I can pretend my hand is yours, it's a lot sexier that way."
You hummed, rubbing circles over your clit and closing your eyes.
"That's a good idea, actually, I'll do the same. Maybe if I put enough fingers in it'll feel like you're fucking me with that big, thick dick."
You couldn't tell if the sound that came out of Johnny's mouth after that was a moan, a laugh, or both, but you knew that one little sentence from you had turned him on tenfold.
"I'm awfully tempted to say you're being too generous, but this is supposed to be a sexy call, so I'll just agree with your size assumptions for now. Tell me how you'd want me to fuck you, baby."
"First I'd want you to kiss me everywhere; my lips and my forehead and my neck and my tits and wherever else you can reach. What else?"
Another moan-laugh. "Baby, I'd kiss you all over, you don't have to worry about that. I'd have my lips all over that sexy body for as long as you'd let me, all the way down to that pretty little pussy."
You whined softly, moving your fingers a little faster and bucking your hips up to make them go deeper. "I don't think I'd be able to wait much longer after that. I'd let you tease my pussy with your fingers and your cockhead for a little, but eventually I'd get too impatient and I would need you to fuck me right then and there."
Johnny panted. "I'd fuck you anywhere you wanted, sweetie. A bed, a couch, the shower...I could fuck you against the wall, too. You'd hook those sexy legs around my waist, and I'd fuck you so deep with my mouth on your neck."
Your fingers hit your most sensitive spot, and your mouth dropped open, a loud moan leaving your lips. "Fuck, that's so hot, baby. I'd love if it you gave me hickeys all over my tits and my neck, right where everyone could see them."
"Yeah, you'd like that? You'd want me to mark you as all mine, sweetie?"
You huffed, bucking your hips up so your fingertips rammed your sensitive spot over and over again, feeling your orgasm start to build up.
"Of course I would. If you were fucking me, I'd want everyone else to know about it. You're so goddamn sexy, and you'd fuck me so good that no one else would even be able to compare. I'd need everyone to know they wouldn't have a chance with me cuz I'd be so devoted to your dick, Johnny."
Johnny let out a long, low groan, the slick wet sounds of his hand jerking his cock becoming louder as he fucked his hand even more roughly to bring himself closer to the edge.
"You turn me on like no one else, you know that, baby? I mean, 10 minutes on the phone with you and I already feel like I'm about to cum harder than I ever have in my fucking life."
You grinned, throwing your head back against your pillow and roughly fucking yourself on your fingers, moaning needily as you got closer and closer to cumming. You were admittedly exaggerating your sounds just a little bit, but you figured it was necessary given that he couldn't see you and was going solely off of what he could hear.
"I feel the same way about you, Johnny. I'm so fucking close right now, I dunno how much more I can take."
Johnny's voice dropped dangerously low, going slightly gravelly as he spurred you on. "Don't hold back, baby, I need to hear you cum for me. Keep fucking yourself with your fingers and pretending it's me, honey, let me make you feel so good. That's it, keep going...pretend it's me fucking you nice and rough. Get your hands all over those gorgeous tits and pretend I'm playing with them and giving you hickeys."
You started to respond, struggling for breath from the pleasure, and he cut you off to speak again.
"You're all mine, baby. Doesn't matter if we never get to do this in person, sweetie, that pretty little pussy belongs to me. You belong to me. Cum for me, baby, show me you're mine."
"Oh fuck, Johnny, I'm gonna—fuck, I'm gonna cum—"
You came with a loud moan, throwing your head back against the pillow and practically dropping the phone as you rode out your orgasm. You could hear Johnny absolutely losing it on the other end, cursing to himself and groaning as he jerked off to the sounds of your pleasure.
"Let it all out, baby, I'm right there with you...I'm so fucking close to cumming, baby, my cock's about to burst..."
You came down from your orgasm, breathing heavily and regaining your grip on your phone to encourage him.
"Cum for me baby, stroke your cock for me and make yourself cum. Pretend I'm kneeling right there in front of you, begging you to cum all over my tits—"
You didn't even get to finish your sexy suggestion before Johnny came with the loudest groan you'd ever heard from him, the sound getting muffled on his end as he presumably shoved the phone down to focus on pumping out his load. You felt a longing ache (both in your heart and between your legs), wishing you could actually be there to watch him cum and to lap it up for him, but you knew that wasn't an option; all you could do was savor the sound of him coming undone.
After a moment, both of you were back on the phone, listening to each other's panting and soft breathing. Johnny was quiet for a moment, and then he chuckled, sighing fondly.
"God, sweetie, that was fucking amazing. I mean, it always is, but this was...something else. You have no idea how badly I miss you. Not even just when we're doing this, I mean all the time. I can't believe we haven't seen each other in months."
You smiled sadly. "Neither can I. Makes me wish I'd spent more time with you when we were on set; I guess I didn't realize we'd never have time to see each other after filming ended."
Of course, that was only half true. You genuinely hadn't realized you wouldn't get to see Johnny outside of the Jackass set, but not getting to see him had less to do with time and more to do with the fact that he was a married man (and a father, no less). You tried not to dwell on that fact too much when the two of you were having your little sessions, but it was much harder not to think about it afterward.
"I know, sweetie, I'm sorry. You know how it is. These little phone calls are as far as we can go, as long as I'm married."
This wasn't the first time Johnny had said something like that; you'd previously thought he meant that you couldn't do it because someone (his wife, the paparazzi, one of the other Jackass guys) would catch you, but you'd come to learn that he actually meant you couldn't do it because as far as he was concerned, the phone calls were the only sexual thing the two of you could do together without it actually being cheating.
"I get it, it's just hard not to wish things could be different."
Johnny went quiet again, then spoke softly. "Maybe one day, they will."
More silence from both sides. You couldn't really think of anything to say; you knew better than to press the matter further, or to talk like you were certain things would change.
Eventually, Johnny sighed in that way he always did when he was rubbing his forehead and frowning.
"I hate to go, baby, but my wife's supposed to be home here in the next ten minutes. I'll make it up to you next time, I don't want to seem like I'm cumming and going."
He chuckled, and you forced a laugh. "No worries. I need a nap after how hard you made me cum. Same time next week?"
"Even sooner, darlin', otherwise I'll miss you too much. I'll call again the second I'm able to."
Your somber mood was lifted slightly, and you smiled. "Sounds good. Bye, Johnny."
"Bye, baby. Don't talk dirty to anyone else, you know I don't like to share."
"Wouldn't dream of it."
He hung up, and you dropped the phone with a frown. It was the first time he'd mentioned missing you, or promised to call you as soon as he could instead of waiting another week like you always did, and it was certainly the only time he'd ever implied that things could be different — or that he wanted them to be. It all seemed so intimate, given how often he stressed that the phone calls were "harmless fun."
You stared up at the ceiling, unable to stop yourself from picturing Johnny's handsome, grinning face, picturing his body on top of yours, picturing his hands rubbing all over you without the phone separating you from each other. Picturing him calling you up to tell you he was leaving his wife.
Johnny Knoxville definitely has a pain kink. Like, that man would let you punch him in the face, kick him in shins, and he’d still be coming back for more like a dumb little puppy dog.
On a related note, does anyone wanna see a fic based on this..?
gracieabrams
blakekathryn
