Had a great day today, as the whole family visited a spa. It was a spur of the moment decision, but Connor and I agreed that everyone could use it. We even took the baby and Eliza. Connor and Ty found this place, and this place was amazing, man. It had a large pool, hot tubs, massage tables, a sauna, though we didn’t really hit the sauna. But next time, maybe... There was even a restaurant there where we ate dinner. It was great. Gotta say, the best part was the hot tubs. The water was so warm, and that is exactly what I needed. There was a daycare sort of playroom where Nicky was for the first part of it, then we brought him to the pool and taught him to swim a bit. I noticed, bringing him to the daycare, Nicky seems to be pretty good about interacting with other kids. These past two months, I’ve had to leave him at a day care. I’ve already mentioned it, but it’s run by our usual babysitter. And it looks like it’s helped Nicky to be more socialized. He looked pretty excited to see all the great stuff they had there, and the caretakers were sweet.
Eliza went with us to get massages and the hot tubs, too, which were all pretty public. There were a lot of other families and kids around, so we fit right in. It was great, and tomorrow fortunately, the shop is closed. But I have Nicky. That won’t be so bad, though. Funny after the whole thing I feel tired. Relaxed at least. Just one thing I kind of wish. I know it probably goes without saying but some part of me wished Vince were there, too. But he’s getting his own kind of rest right now.
He’s been going through that ECT treatment, but now instead of every other day, it’s down to once a week. But I think I do notice it having an effect. He was a little spacey the last few times I visited. I know that’s not permanent, but in a sense, it quiets his thoughts... he said that, anyway. And he could use a break from thinking for a bit. Still three more weeks of all this. Then I don’t know what afterward.
A little bit off topic, but something I saw today really got to me. This family I know adopted a baby girl from this mother who had given her up for adoption. The adoption was all final, and I think the family had the baby girl for about a year. Then the mother suddenly came up and said she’d changed her mind. She wanted her daughter back. But the family kept saying “no,” that since this woman signed her rights away, she couldn’t have her daughter. At face value, that just seems so cold to me. And the thing is, people seem to agree with that. That just because a mother gave her baby up for adoption, she no longer has a right to her own child... Not even if she thought she might have made a mistake and wanted to get her baby back... Just that because she “signed her rights away,” she can never see her baby again... it just sounded so awful to me.
Like I could understand this if the mother were not really being sincere. Like if she were actually unhealthy for the child. If she were neglectful or abusive. If she might even struggle heavily with substance abuse. If she were just in it for money or something... I could understand wanting to protect the child from her. But if she’s sincere? If she really did come to the conclusion that she did not actually want to give her child up after all, how can anyone just say to her, “No, you signed your daughter away, that’s it.” ? I mean jesus... that’s her daughter. And imagine that child growing up, sometimes wondering about her biological mother. Wishing she could have known the woman and then being told that her mother had wanted to keep her after all... What kind of answer do you give to a child that asks you “Why didn’t you give me back to my mother when she asked for me?” What do you tell her? “Well, your mother signed her rights away.” That just sounds so damn cruel...
Nothing’s ever that black and white. I hate to say it, but the reality is more likely that the mother is unfit to be a mother... there’s a reason she felt the need to put her daughter up for adoption in the first place. At the very least, it’s not like the girl could just be handed right back over. And after all that was done to make this girl part of this other family, it’s not like they’d just give her right up. They love her and consider her part of their family. And that’s great; that’s good. But it’s just more complicated than “Well the law says she’s ours, now, so you can’t have her.”
I mean at the very least, couldn’t there be some compromise? If the mother wanted to stay in touch with the child, why not? Or supervised visits? If the mother proved herself to be genuinely sincere. Because none of this would be the case if the woman was doing this for selfish and careless reasons. Like trying to use her child to qualify for hand outs or some messed up shit like that... That kind of thing would be what had me worried most. Just what bothers me is that none of that seems to be the consideration. It just sounds like the family believes that as long as the mother signed away her rights, then that’s the end of it. It’s like they can just take the baby and run after that. The baby she carried for 9 months and went through intense labor for. I mean for christ’s sake, neither of them had to risk their physical health for this kid. The mother’s body went through permanent changes to bestow life upon this girl...
It’s none of my business, but I can’t help it that it breaks my heart. I remember when I found out about Eliza, and I had to decide whether or not I’d take her in or let the state keep her. And for a time, I thought I was going to let them keep her. I didn’t think I was mentally fit enough to take her in. But after a while, I decided that I could handle it after all. And I just think, fuck... what if that had been me? What if I gave my daughter up for adoption because my mental health had just not been great enough. Because I didn’t trust myself enough to be able to handle her. Say a year goes by and I’ve gotten better. My situation is better. But because I made that decision at that time... I could never see my daughter again. They can just keep her from me now, and that’s it. I’d feel awful. I’d have so much guilt. Knowing that my baby girl would never know me. Because the law just wouldn’t allow it.
I just found that upsetting. But I don’t know the whole story. It’s more likely the mother isn’t sincere. She probably has her own agenda... or doesn’t have a solid understanding of her own situation. Because reality is shit like that... it just bothers me that no one seems to think that “because she signed her rights away” is just not enough of a reason to keep a mother’s child from her.
Apart from that, I’ve been feeling like an ass lately to be honest. Like I just fly in on people sometimes and kick off with these fucking lectures and really, I should just be minding my own fucking business. Just ragging on these people like I fucking know it all and just... I get angry, heh... It might not be obvious to people, but I get angry really fucking easily... when I see some kid mistreating his friends, I want to say something. Or I see someone bending over backwards to appease their abusive parents when they really should be demanding respect instead... see that’s all how I see it. But it’s... who am I? I don’t know shit, I only know what I see right there in sentences on a screen. So who am I? ... I can only hope that whatever the fuck I say is actually right and helpful... but I could be less of an ass about it, too. I’m just used to... being angry. Like when Vince does shit he shouldn’t be doing, I always instantly fly into angry reprimanding. But for Vince, the man needs that. Or it won’t stick with him. With him it’s another story. But the problem is that I get so used to it. It starts leaking into conversations with other people. That and I just hate abuse... that’s just become a knee-jerk reaction in me. People getting mistreated... people laughing at the pain of others. Blatant disregard for life. It’s selfish. It’s childish. And boy have I put up with enough of that shit. I’m fucking tired of seeing it. So it pisses me off when it happens.
It’s late. I can’t think of anything else that’s been on my mind. But just had to air out my thoughts. Another aside, I’ve been thinking about my ex financee from years back. That hasn’t fucking helped, haha... Sometimes I wish I could talk to her. Or at least check in on her to see how she’s doing. But she’d be pissed to hear from me.
I am going to really drag myself down with all this. After this amazing day with Connor and Ty and the kids, too. That is what I do best, of course. Turning sunshine into rain.
It’s just... just for here, anyway. It was a great day. We all needed it. Now, I need to sleep. I wonder. Tomorrow I think I’ll write to Aunt Takara. I haven’t spoken to her in a while and I think I’d just like to hear from her. And.... I miss my grandmother. And I’m just thrilled that I have one.
Okay, for real this time. I’m off to bed.
