✎summary: your devotion to commander erwin was meant to be professional, but the rumors said otherwise. tired of the gossip, erwin hands you over to levi. what he doesn't know? levi has been waiting for this moment, and for you, longer than anyone realizes.
the scouts are given a few days of leave after the mission.
you went into town with levi after that day, following his invitation. we stopped by the bookstore, the tea shop, and ducked into roadside stalls whenever something caught my interest, while levi followed patiently behind.
he rarely let you walk behind him—always slowing his pace so you guys could walk side by side, claiming it was easier to talk. and now, he silently watches every one of your light, effortless steps, unable to hide your intrigue.
"it would suit you perfectly, mrs. ackerman," the shopkeeper said warmly when she saw you eyeing a beautiful gold-plated bronze hairpin shaped like a leaf. you looked at her in surprise, then shyly glanced back at the man behind you.
"oh, you’ve misunderstood. i’m just his subordinate," you explained with a smile. after staring at the pin for a moment longer, you clicked your tongue and decided to leave, not forgetting to thank the shopkeeper. you didn't think you were the type to wear hairpins anyway.
"what is your last name?" levi walked up beside you and asked calmly. "i didn't see it in your files."
"i don't have one. i never asked, and no one ever told me," you replied with a smile. levi didn't look surprised. he surely knew a few people with similar backgrounds back in the underground.
the crowded streets forced your shoulders to brush against each other as you moved.
dusk was falling. you and levi stopped at a waterfall to wait for the carriage back to the HQs. the noisy chatter had faded. you could even hear the birds and the sound of water flowing in the pond. you absentmindedly dragged the tip of my shoe back and forth on the ground, creating rhythmic scuffing sounds, clutching the stack of books you’d bought.
"wait for me a moment," levi said, leaving before you could respond.
he returned just a few minutes later, saying he had bought more tea.
levi opened the office door and held it for you as always. you intended to tuck your new books into your desk drawer before realizing it was already stuffed full.
"put them on my bookshelf," levi said as he walked toward his desk. he was excellent at observing and analyzing situations without needing to look for long. "it looks a bit empty."
you shyly chose an empty corner on the bottom shelf and arranged them neatly. levi didn't like hoarding things, so he rarely touched the bookshelf, yet you guessed it was still cleaned so regularly it was almost unnecessary. every item in the room had its own place, and by some miracle, you realized you had memorized them all.
you lightly dusted your hands once finished. levi, who had been reading documents, quickly stood up when he saw you were done. you went down to dinner together.
"wait," he called you back before you could step out. "this is for you."
levi held out his hand. by reflex, you took what he offered. it was the hairpin from earlier.
"i went back to the tea shop, so i picked it up. consider it a reward." ending with that, he calmly walked out without waiting for your thanks. you stared blankly after him, then looked down at the pin with joy. you would pretend not to notice the faint indentation of the pin in someone's palm, as if he had been holding it for a very long time.
"oh, what a beautiful hairpin, y/n!" hange said the moment she saw you carrying food tray toward your seat. levi sat leaning back in his chair, one hand loosely holding a teacup. seeing you, he shifted to the side as a reflex to make room, his eyes never leaving the hairpin.
"thank you, hange," you replied with a bright smile, your fingers happily tracing the golden leaf.
after dinner, you took a walk alone around the scout HQs. there were fewer voices, fewer figures passing by, but those who remained were determined not to let gloom cover this place. they seemed to try to speak as loud as possible, laugh as loud as possible, and stay as busy as possible.
you walked into the shared canteen, looking toward the table where you used to sit. the people who sat beside you then were gone. though you didn't have many happy memories together, you never thought a day would come when you couldn't see them anymore. the mocking words had stopped, only to be replaced by a terrifying silence that stifled you more than ever.
sighing, you stepped into the main hall to return to your room. under the flickering lights of the hallway, you saw a familiar figure. he was leaning his arm tiredly against the railing, his eyes staring into the distance, deep in thought. you could have ignored him and kept walking, but loneliness and sadness drew you closer.
"commander, are you alright?"
commander erwin stopped his thoughts and turned to look at you, a hint of a smile in his eyes. this look... he was surely struggling with it again—the guilt.
to outsiders, the commander was a heartless leader, remorseless about his decisions, never wavering before the loss of anyone. but after two years by his side, you understood that having to issue orders and decisions that could end the lives of countless others was more painful than anything.
"it is extraordinary that i have survived once again, y/n." he said it so lightly, but his eyes were still hollow. the commander had often hinted at a wish to die, yet everyone knew he had always fought desperately to exist.
"please go to your room and rest. i'll brew some tea for you."
you followed the commander into his room. it looked exactly as it did when you left, except the desk where you once sat was emptier and the air felt colder than before. his new secretary usually only came here for work, not bringing many personal items like you did. his bookshelf, your favorite part of the room, was still packed full.
the commander sat tiredly on the bed in the inner room. as a habit, you closed the windows to keep out the draft, tidied his desk, and lit some incense to make the room smell better while waiting for the tea to steep.
unlike levi, the commander only drank tea in specific situations. like now—when he was exhausted.
"on the way back, their families wailed in front of me. i expected them to curse me, but they only cried..." the commander said while watching you move busily around the room. he complained to you a lot about himself, as he always did after every mission. you didn't say much, only occasionally asking about his thoughts and feelings, then skillfully steering the conversation toward daily things.
"so you ate three cakes during the meeting with the commander-in-chief?" you sat on the chair beside the head of the bed where the commander lay after drinking some tea. you rested your chin on your hand, listening intently to him this whole time.
"mhm, they were delicious. if you had come along, you surely would have—" he stopped mid-sentence, as if realizing something, and fell silent for a long time.
"thank you for coming back, commander." seeing that he seemingly had nothing left to say, you spoke up.
"you are too good at this, aren't you?" erwin smiled at you. "comforting others."
"i only wait for you to accept your own sadness, and you’re better at that than anyone." you adjusted your posture, preparing to leave.
"the hairpin is beautiful. i’ve never seen you wear it." he said, closing his eyes comfortably as if to bid you farewell.
"it was a reward from captain levi. excuse me, sir." you bowed and quietly pushed the door, leaving the room.
your presence for just a moment didn't only brighten erwin’s mood, it seemed to wake the entire room from a long slumber. but this wouldn't last, perhaps by tomorrow morning, that warmth would vanish again.
erwin closed his eyes, trying to listen to every fading footstep in the hallway as if trying to cling to each one. until everything was completely silent, he opened his eyes and looks toward the chair where you have just sat.
for two years, he had never looked at you in his room for this long, never tried to listen to your every word this much, and never thought he would care about these small things so deeply. he wanted to know where you were going now, what you were doing. would you go back to levi’s office or read a book alone in your room?
you made his mood much better, but you also left him with a strange, lingering ache.
