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surviving you

erwin smith x fem!reader levi is faced with the brutal decision to save either erwin or armin, and you discover just how far you will go to keep the man you love alive. 2.4k words. major/canon character death, angst, reader is so mean to levi, emotional breakdown, verbal cruelty, survivor's guilt, actually sorry for this one cause i love my babies

It was almost as if the entire world went still, the air turning thick and sour, silence so loud it was deafening.

You couldn’t breathe, you couldn’t move, couldn’t even blink.

Across the rooftop lay the love of your life, the man you wanted to marry, the man who had fought for humanity as long as you could remember, the man who just the night before had traced silent promises along your bare back.

Erwin lay there, bloody and unmoving. Floch was breathing so heavily from carrying the weight of him that you thought he might pass out.

“He is still alive! We are the only survivors... please.” Floch started to plead, but everyone was still shaken. The commander was alive.

The issue at hand? Armin was also barely alive, his frail body burned to a crisp from the Colossal titan, and Levi was just about to administer the titan serum to him.

Eren stared wide-eyed, pleading with the captain not to change his mind.

For a moment, the two started to argue. You tuned them out, stalking over to Erwin and crumbling to your knees beside him.

His eyes were closed, his face bloody, and clothes tattered from his new injury. You couldn’t bring yourself to look down at the gaping gash; his guts were practically hanging out. He didn’t have much time.

“Levi,” you murmured, glancing up at him with tears in your eyes. His face held almost no expression, but you knew the internal struggle he was dealing with right now. Regardless, there was no way in hell you were letting that serum go to anyone other than Erwin.

“Captain! Please, Armin is barely hanging on. We need to give it to him! I’m sorry, but we need him!” Eren was yelling, a frenzied look in his eyes.

You stood, taking only a few steps towards your friend. “We must save Erwin, Levi. This isn’t a debate.”

His eyes narrowed. “Watch your mouth, this isn’t your decision.”

You were dumbfounded, trying to comprehend how this is even a question of who to save.

“Are you kidding me? This is our commander we are talking about! I’m sorry, but Erwin is priority, not Armin.”

Eren and Mikasa were now glaring at you, but you couldn’t care less. These kids didn’t understand how vital this was.

Levi still didn’t move, fingers tightening around the syringe. “I haven’t made a decision yet- “

“Yes, you have! Stop fucking around, and give me the syringe, Levi.” You cut him off angrily, and everyone around was too stunned to speak. Nobody in their right mind would ever speak to the captain like that, but you were slowly losing all common sense.

“You know how important this is, right?” you frowned, tears streaming down your face. “Erwin is our commander. He has fought so hard, for so long, he needs this.”

You needed to convince Levi quickly. Erwin's body lying behind you, on the verge of death, made your skin crawl and your chest tighten.

“Levi, please, don’t tell me you are even considering giving that to Armin...”

Eren scoffed from the other end of the roof, along with Mikasa, who was shooting daggers. You knew you were hurting their feelings, the kids whom you have come to love and care for, but the only thing on your mind was saving Erwin.

“And if I were? This is not your choice to make. You need to stand down.” You could hear the strain in Levi’s voice. You could hear that he really didn’t know who to choose. You were about to help him, and not in a good way.

“No.”

Hang from the side, and even Floch feared what was to come. You had never stood up to Levi like this, and although emotions were heightened, they knew you would come to regret it.

“You don’t get to tell me to stand down, not when it comes to him. He is mine, and I am not losing him to a KID.”

Your hands were shaking, balled into fists. At no point did the tears stop.

“We all know why you don’t want to save the commander.”

There was a slight twitch in Levi's eye, one most wouldn’t notice, but you did, realising you hit a weak spot.

“And what might that reason be?” He was almost smug in his response, dead eyes not wavering from you.

“Because you are jealous, Levi. Always have been.”

Audible gasps were heard from some of the scouts, Hange stepping up to try and intervene. You could hear your name falling from her lips.

“This is not the way- “

“I’m right, aren’t I?” You asked him, ignoring everyone except the captain. “Erwin is confident, and a natural born leader, someone people look up to. You know you could NEVER be him, and it kills you.”

His glare never faltered, but the side of his lip curled up in a snarl. You wanted him to yell back at you, maybe even say hurtful things too, because if not, there was no telling how far you would go.

“People looked at Erwin and saw a leader. People look at you and see his weapon.”

“Enough- “

“NO!”

Erwin needs that serum; you must do everything in your power to save him. You could feel the buckle in your knees, the weight on your heart, thinking you might not achieve your goal here. Standing even straighter, you let out a delirious laugh.

“You spent so long following his orders that you couldn’t wait for a chance to decide his fate, is that it?”

You tilted your head; deep-rooted anger stretched across your face.

“And you want to know what’s crazy? If it were you lying half dead on this roof, he wouldn’t hesitate in choosing you!”

His gaze dropped, maybe at Erwin, maybe because he couldn’t face you anymore, you weren’t sure.

“Because, unlike you, he would never abandon the people he cared about.”

You knew exactly what you did, Levi going so completely still it was as if he had turned to stone. The vein pulsing in his neck was now prominent enough that everyone could see him holding back.

You still didn’t care, the ghost of all your fallen comrades playing behind your eyes.

“You survive everyone, Levi. Why is that?”

You were screaming at this point, the scouts’ eyes darting around in silent conversation to try and find a way to stop you.

“You survived your squad. Petra, even Gunther. You survived your friends, the ones who left the underground with you.”

His face became unbearable, but he didn’t move or blink or even take a breath, it seemed. He didn’t defend himself, which somehow made it so much worse.

“What were their names again? Oh, right! Isabel and Furlan!”

Your entire body was shaking, finger lifting to point at him. You were sobbing so hard, it was almost hard to comprehend your words.

“Why is it fair that YOU always survive?! Why can’t Erwin survive? Why is the decision to save our commander in the hands of a fucking thug?!”

You hated yourself the second you saw something break behind Levi’s eyes. You knew he didn’t want to make the choice; you knew he was probably suffering just as much as you were. Every word spoken was born from the grief building in your gut, but there was no taking them back.

You just needed him to pick Erwin; you needed him to-.

“Stop.”

You froze. Did you hear that right?

Turning your head, you were met with dull blue eyes.

He was barely conscious, but his gaze still stayed trained on you. Tired, gentle, disappointed.

“That’s enough.”

It felt like everything around you had shattered, once again dropping to your knees. A horrible realisation came over you. Levi was your captain, someone Erwin trusted more than anyone, and you just spent the last several minutes trying to destroy him.

So many cruel words and accusations were thrown at him, and he was silent through it all.

Erwin never saw this side of you, the one who was willing to tear apart anyone in the name of love.

Crawling over to him, a sob racked through your body, shakily taking his hand in your own.

You were at a loss for words. What do you say to the person you swore your heart to as they are dying? As they just watched you become some kind of monster?

Erwin was weak, his grip not all the way there, but you could feel the pressure as he tried to squeeze.

“It’s okay, my love.” His voice was low, groggy. The voice you adored more than music was fading just as fast as the icy blue of his eyes.

“I’m so fucking sorry, E. Please don’t leave me,” you pleaded with him. Nausea gripped your stomach muscles. If it were possible to feel your heart breaking in real time, this would be it.

There was a ghost of a smile on his lips, small but enough there just for you.

Leaning down so slowly as not to shatter the fragile thread that tethered your soul to his, you pressed a kiss to his mouth, lips trembling and impossibly gentle. Every part of you was screaming to cling to him, to keep begging, to hold his almost lifeless body against your own.

Little did you know that kiss was his disguised way of telling you goodbye.

While you wept into the crook of his neck, their friends and comrades moved. Levi had a decision to make, and someone needed to get you out of there.

Hange used the last of her strength to pull you up and against her chest. You began to thrash around in her arms, wailing for her to let go.

“Stop, please! I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” Everyone was slowly leaving the roof, trying not to watch the disaster unfold. Erwin saw everything, though, eyes burning but refusing to let any tears fall. “I can’t leave him! Please, God, don’t leave me, Erwin!”

There wasn’t much fight left in you, Hange taking the moment of weakness to use her ODM gear and leave the roof. Your fingers gripped her arm, eyes never leaving the scene of Erwin lying there, Armin a couple of feet away, and Levi, who watched the two of you swing away.

There was a feeling of emptiness that filled your bones, knowing there was a 50/50 chance you could lose the one person who loved you unconditionally.

Hange landed between two worn-down houses, the rush of everything that had happened raining down on you. You stumbled over to lean against the rotting wood, finally emptying the contents of your stomach.

After a few minutes of dry heaving, nothing left in you, you slid down until your bottom met the dirt.

Hange stood off to the side, silent but following your every move. She wanted to scold you for speaking to Levi the way you did, but she understood where you were coming from. She also wanted Erwin to be the one saved.

Soon enough, you could feel the ground shake and a blast of lightning from your peripherals. One of them has been turned into a titan. You couldn’t bring yourself to look up to see who it was.

Your comrade was watching the scene unfold, trying to hide the frown once she realised the blonde titan eating Bertholdt was Armin.

She let out a sigh, observing your quivering body. A once strong, composed, electric woman was now morphed into a sad shell of herself. And Hange knew it would only get worse once you realised Erwin was not coming back.

The silence stretched on until the sounds of zipping were heard above, ODM gear clanking before a few pairs of feet landed in your vicinity.

Levi was standing only a few feet in front of you, Jean and Connie behind with pained expressions.

You finally lifted your head, tear marks stained on your cheeks, eyes bloodshot and puffy. Regardless of the triggering words that were thrown at him earlier, his own heart broke for you. He knew of the relationship you had with Erwin, he knew how dedicated you were to him and everything he stood for, and he knew that Erwin kept a simple ring hidden in the back of his desk drawer to give to you one day.

Levi made the choice he did, and he had to live with that, live with the fact that Erwin told him he did not want the serum and to keep that information to himself.

Finally, Levi broke the silence.

“Armin is unconscious, but alive. The serum worked. We now have the colossal titan on our side.”

His voice was unwavering, but delicate at the same time, hoping not to break you.

You screwed your eyes shut, refusing to let any more tears fall. Refusing to give one of your closest friends more traumatising words. Refusing to make him feel worse for losing Erwin.

His name echoed in your head like a bad song. He was gone, and you were alone.

Levi took a few steps towards you, now so close you could smell the titan's guts and despair on him.

He crouched down, now eye level, forcing you to come face to face with him. He will happily throw you in a cell when you get back, but for now, he will leave you with words he knew you needed.

“He loved you more than I’ve seen someone love another person.” He tried to keep his composure when he saw your bottom lip tremble. “You guys had an epic love story, and nothing will ever come close to the loyalty and devotion you had for each other. Yes, he is gone, but his memory lives through all of us. Through you.”

It felt as if someone shoved a knife into your chest repeatedly, guilt and grief stirring inside you. Death would feel better than this, you think.

He reached over and let his fingers brush over the top of your hand, giving you the only comfort he could when he himself was mourning.

You couldn’t speak, couldn’t even apologise for what you said. Not yet, at least.

With a sad nod, he left and started barking orders, like the fierce captain he is.

The weight of Erwin's death lay heavily on you. That feeling of agony settled deep into your bones, wrapping itself until it was so tight you couldn’t think straight.

This was your life now. One without the person you weren’t meant to survive.

Erwin wasn’t just the love of your life; he was the one constant holding you together.

hey sorry for this again LOL i had the idea and i had to get it down somehow I SWEAR I LOVE LEVI UGH