The Lost Cause (1.2): what did I do?
Lost cause Series
Chapter 1
Story summary: Summary: You always wondered, how would your life turn out to be if you and Jungkook had a baby? So, when you finally conceive and decide to tell your husband that you are pregnant, you didn't expect him to drop this bomb on you. You never would've thought that the surprise you planned would end up in agonized tears because of the shock your husband brings you.
Chapter Summary: Jungkook’s POV of the night that tuined everything.
Warning: Infidelity. Angst. Crying and anxiety. Mature. MDNI. Guilt. Drinking. Aggressive wall punching. Sexual interrogations under alcohol influence.
Words: 2.8k
Author’s note: hi, my lovely readers! Here’s JK’s POV of THAT night, thank you for waiting for my updates. I have been up the whole night editing this and the other chapters, if you find any grammatical errors or spelling mistakes please know I will fix them tomorrow as soon as I wake up💕 I hope this short chapter doesn’t disappoint! Happy reading! ♥️💕
The club lights blared into my eyes, the music dizzying and thrumming through my chest. I hear my friends laugh and joke around but all I can focus was on the fact that I had this pain in my chest.
The pain and pressure that forced the worst case scenerio into my head; you not having the dream family you want. It had been 3 months that we started the gynaecologist’s consultation, a full year of us trying to have a baby, but why wasnt it happening?
It is my fault isnt it?
The memory of me scrolling through social media and seeing one of her likes on a post about some kid and a mother, a mother playing with her newborn, a husband cooking for her pregnant wife, a pregnant woman making some crotchet, a husband making the baby sleep, a happy family, you deserved it too, deserved the life that you always imagined with Jungkook.
But the guilt and the pain of not being enough made me wanna run away from this crowd, the crowd and the noise making it all too much, I wanted to be at home, back to you, hoping you’d forgive me for not being enough. For not being able to give you a baby.
A tear cascades down my cheek, which I quickly wipe off, the alcohol coming up round after round, it was a celebration but it was also a way to numb the pain in my chest. I know you would be mad for drinking so much but I just cant bear the pain of being a disappointment .
“Jungkook-ah, here-“ Jimin passes a whiskey glass to me and I look confused but then, I remember oh yes I had ordered a whiskey, too.
“You good?” Jimin asks eyeing me with a frown on his face when take the glass and swirl the liquid along with the ice and gulp it down like it was nothing, Jimin gives Yoongi a look and I can see Yoongi open his mouth to inquire but before that I gently shake my head, “I’m o-okay, I just, washroom…” I say and nod towards the hallway that led to the washroom and get up. Jimin gets up to go with me but I just pat his shoulder to sit back.
I didnt want to ruin his evening with my personal problems.
I walk slowly towards the washroom and walk inside, the door closing behind me with a thud. I breathe heavily, the music muffled and the thumping sound filtered through yhe door. Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I see a sad and pathetic guy who cant even fulfill his duty as a husband.
A tear falls down and I blink away the rest of them, chin wobbling at the gailiure in my reflection, I bite my lip to hopefully not cru but I break into a full blown sobbing mess, gasping and shaking, I lean over the sink and hold my head in my hands as I cry over the marble.
Pathetic
Pathetic
Pathetic
The voice in my head gets louder as I loosen my tie hoping for it to help me breathe. I open the faucet to pour some water on the curve of my palms and splash it on my face, the splash causing one of my lenses to fall into the sink.
“Fuck…” I curse as my eyes sting a little, I try to find the lens but the alcohol in my head makes my focus blur. I try to breathe, hoping to calm down and find the lens or some sortof a solution. I pat my pocket, trying to find my phone, but remember its on the table where the guys were.
“Fuck!” I curse through gritted teeth, the evening getting worse by the second.
I open the washroom door and stumble across the dark corridor that led to the tables across the dance floor, I stumble into a lot of people, the buzz, the music, the lights and only one contact in my eyes didn’t help me navigate shit.
I accidentally stumble into a very familiar smell and it just made my stomach twist, it was your scent, the familiar scent I feel at home with, the scent that made me want to cry in your arms, I turn around to apologize but I cant spot who it was I stumbled into, just a black outfit and dark hair, another red dress, a guy with brown hair, blond guy, cowboy guy, another blue dressed girl, blue hair, green dress, it was a whole crowd and it was nearly impossible to find the person.
Dammit. I need my glasses.
I apologize to someone in general, hopefully to the one I bumped in and then turn to walk over to my table. My hands were shaking, Specs, my specs, I think, removing my other lens with shaking hands I throw it on the ground even before I find the specs, the whole environment making me fidgety.
“You want something kook?” Hobi hyung says and I nod mumbling a ‘specs’ and hyung gets up to find them for me, I plop down on the couch with my head resting back as Hobi hyung tries to find the specs in my bag.
“Here- are you okay? You look like you cried kook.” He says handing me my soecs and I lift my head to see every head turned towards me, I feel guilt rising up at their concerned faces.
How can I tell my hyungs I have been a total failiure? So i dont, I lie.
“Yes hyung, the water splashed in my eyes, that is why its red, dont worry.” I try to smile while putting on my specs and they frown which I try to avoid looking at, because I would definitely lose it if ai look at them especially Jin hyung, who looked at me like he has already smelled my bullshit. They try observe my face, but believe it nevertheless when I force myself to smile. Thank the darkness of the club that mu expression werent clear.
I sigh, relieved but then the scent I smelled returns back to the back of my memories and I shiver, fuck I need more alcohol. I get up to order some more shots and the hyungs laugh, thinking I was just happy or just having fun.
With no idea about my inner thunderstorm.
Gulp after gulp, shot after shot, neat whiskey to beer pints, the alcohol helped my inner turmoil, the hyungs would take me home anyway, I thought. It is irresponsible of me to drink so much, I know but I just need one day off my overthinking, one moment of weakness cant be a mistake, can it?
We decide to call it a night and Taehyung decides to take a smoke with Namjoon outside, so we all wait for them before paying the bill but I suddenly feel hot, the lack of water making me have cold sweat and feel hot at the same time, so I inform Jimin that I would be back in a second and Jimin nodded while scrolling on his phone.
I walk by Jin hyung somehow, considering my stumbling steps and my vision going round and round, he holds his hand out to balance me with a frown on his face but I ruffle his hair who in exchange swats my hand for that and I smile shaking my head.
Fixing my specs I walk towards the bathroom but pause when I smell the same scent.
This fucking scent.
My mind goes haywire, the guilt returns, the pain returns, the feeling of being a failure returns but three fold this time due to the influence, the DJ suddenly starts playing a mind numbing edm or some sortof a trancy music, I turn around to look for her, look for you, I try to find your hair, your scent, something again.
The need to see you and apologize for the failure of a husband I am, apologize for not being able to give you the dream family , apologize for not being able to give you the little kid you dreamed of, apologize for wasting the effort of your moodboard for the nursery, apologize for so many things, where were you-
I smell the scent again and whisper to myself, “baby?” I mumble looking around as my steps make me tangle into someone else and the scent covers me up, covers up my mind, covers up my senses.
I mumble your name but the music makes my head thrum along with the beats, you mumble something but I cant understand, I just nod, trying to apologize, eyes glossing at you finally being in my arms.
“Y/N…” i mumble, but you kiss me, shuttinh me up. All that goes in my head was, I hope you forgive me, I hope I could give your the family you wanted, I hope you let me make it better somwhow, and when you kiss me back I feel an urge to pull you towards me and hug you so you could never leave. I pull you closer and you say something, your voice mixing with the deafening music and I just agree, my senses all muffled, the world spinning as I kiss you, the tears falling down my cheeks as your hand travels towards my dick.
I pull back to breathe but you dont let me, and pull me back into the kiss. I grunt as I fall into you, the kiss turning aggressive.
I groan as your hand travels into my trousers, I rest my head on the wall behind me and the lights on the ceiling blur my vision, the lights causing my eyes to tear up, my breathing causing the specs to fog. Taking my hand you place it on your hip and kiss me again, my hand travels to the hem of your skirt and then slips inside your underwear. I want to make you feel good, better about our relationship.
Your tongue dives into my mouth and I feel your scent coating my senses more, the overstimulation of my senses makes me breathe harder. wait- why were you lips tasting so waxy, you didnt use lipsticks-
The spinning, the music, the thrumming in my head and heart both causing my mind to blank, and when I hear you moan as you come, I frown, chills forming on the nape of my neck, and not the good kind. You say something and it doesnt sound like you-
wait- what was going on?
“Y/N..?” I whisper slurred and hear a mumbled huh? that makes me I freeze, the hand in my trousers sped up, and before I could configure what was happening I came with a gasp.
I breathe heavily in the hallway as my senses finally gained slight clarity, and a flash of white light spins around in the club, it flashes on her face too and I gasp. I see that the scent in front of me was not you, and I feel my heart sink.
“What-“ I push her away and she stumbles back, almost falling over. I dont have time to feel bad for her almost falling because I finally understand whats going on, my head was still spinning and when I understand the face infront of me was is you, its enough to make my knees buckle in dread. My stomach twists with disgust and I feel my forehead getting clammy.
I wipe my face with my hand and the lights around us causes the glint of my wedding ring flash in my eye and hers at the same time, the room suddenly spinning because of a completely different feeling and nausea because of something really disgusting.
What the fuck did I just do?
Tears spring to my eyes and I see the person infront of me pause too, was that the manager, Mia?
I fall down on my knees on the floor with a thud and feel the alcohol rise up in my throat. I hear her leave the hallway in hurried steps, but honestly? I couldn’t care less.
The feeling of her touch remain on my skin and I feel my skin crawl, what did i do, what the fuck did i do!
The feeling of nausea intensifies and I instantly run towards the bathroom and open the door, but end up puking down on the floor instead of the pot. I heave as tears fell down, the floor spinning and the walls inching closer by the second, making me breathless and heave harder. Was it the dehydration or the disgust I felt for myself that I felt the floor and the walls spin in completely different directions?
I ruined it
Ruined everything
What the fuck did I do?
The question makes me clutch my hair in frustration and then cry into my palms as the floor spins more, I hear someone come behind me to help me get up but my mind was somewhere else, with you, at your feet, begging for something, apologising, crying, your face coming up in my head, kissing me goodbye before Busan.
“No no no-“ I choke but hear someone grung as they struggle to get me up.
“Jungkook get a grip of yourself!”
Namjoon hyung.
The next few minutes were a blur as I blacked out and then came back to see someone washing and wiping my face, blacking out again, then someone giving me water, blacking out again, then some of the hyung’s voices around me.
The only thing constant was the tears in my eyes and the agony in my chest.
I blacked out again but this time when I woke up, I saw that the room was dimly lit with the air con buzzing, the light glitering through the curtains signalled that it was almost morning so I checked the time and it was 6:45 in the morning. I tried to get up since my head spun but not that much, my eyelids were crusted due to the crying, marks of tears on my face that made my skin dry and when I tried to wipe the marks on my skin, the memories of the night came back like a flood breaking through a dam,
Me coming back from the washroom, lens? Specs? The scent, Jimin hyung asking if I was okay? More alcohol, The fucking scent again, I kissed you, then it was not you, her hand around me, my hand under her dress, both of us coming-
No no no fuck!
The moment the rewind ends, I fall down on my knees, breathing heavy, the clothes sticking to my skin, her touch sticking to my skin, I feel disgust at myself, my hands, my face, my lips, everything so I run towards the washroom for the shower but stumble into a vase, shattering it onto the floor.
The room spins aggressively so I hold the wall, “no..” i breathe out in guilt as your happy face keeps popping in my head, “no no” I walk towards the washroom but your face comes up again as you smelled the sunflowers I gifted you once “no!” Tears fall as I punched a wall.
“How could I do this?” I whisper as I keep punching and punching before the wall is stained with blood. I punch harder but step back as I breathe exhausted, stepping back I clutch my head, kneeling against the foot of the bed.
I sit down on the carpeted floor and rest my head against the mattress behind me. Breathing and gasping heavily, I pull mu knees closer and cry into my knees, I cant breathe, I cant think and before I know it, I feel my phone buzz in my front pocket.
When did I keep my phone in the pocket? My head spins as I take the phone out and tap on the screen.
The phone buzzed with Namjoon hyung’s message
Nemjoons🌵(07:13): kook, what is going on? Please tell us, we are all worried.
Jungkook(07:14): hyung
Jungkook(07:14): can you please
Jungkook(07:14): come here?
Jungkook(07:14): i need to talk
Nemjoons🌵(07:14): I figured, I’ll be there in five.
Jungkook(07:15): k.
I sniff, gasping for air as I almost throw the phone down on the floor, my expressions twisting in agony as I cry into my palms, I rub my eyes with my palms and sob as my body shuddered from dread. My throat scratchy from crying, dry from all the dehydration that the alcohol caused.
The phone buzzes again and the pain in my chest multiplies by a thousand when I see the pop up. The notification pulled me deeper into the mire of disgust I felt towards myself. The buzz of my phone pulling me deeper into the mud turning it into a suffocating quicksand, making it impossible to breathe.
My hand slowly picks up the phone and tap on the screen that turned off after the message popped, my breathe catches more when I read the message, my lips wobbling and the tears falling at the message.
My love♥️(07:17): Good morning! Can’t wait to see you tonight, miss you! ILY baby💕
I ruined it, I destroyed everything
Chapter 1.5
Taglist: @skzthinker @whoa-jo @aznstoner @aloverga @bids97 @slut4jeon @whipwhoops @bearr02 @gloriouscollectionpainter @jojowantstocry @jossabella88 @prajusstuff @chimchimmarie @gyukookswhore @kookiescutie @llallaaa @bbtsficrecs @farahmoonworld @cookysstuff @alessioayla @bamieeee03 @smileyshaven @bethany-303 @deepops79 @dragonflygurl4 @itsanjuseyo @mimi122880 @sirensgguk @00frenchfries00 @lovingkoalaface @11thenightwemet11 @shrek-the-destroyer @littlecooky