🌙

αστέρι μου

[kopivie]

“for a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight,

✦ cinna, 24, they/she, black

✦ a blog dedicated to writing, healing, and being wholly myself.

and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.”

©dividers by @cafekitsune & header/pinned by @sailorsenshigifs!

[kopivie]

i'm starting to become numb to my own suffering. about damn time. bc i've been going about my life knowing that i'm nobody's first choice and that everyone will always assume the worst of me despite my best efforts, and that's kinda just okay at this point. nobody cares about me enough to truly listen to the words i say or truly give a shit about how terrible i'm feeling and that's genuinely okay. i'm tired of being tired. i just want it all to stop

[kopivie]

i'm finding out in real time just how much emotional distress can fuck with my body. holy shit i feel awful. i can't eat, i can't sleep, no amount of edibles is effective enough for me to relax... ugh.

[borderlandsbf-deactivated201907]

honestly if we selfship from the same media id love for our self inserts to be friends

[kopivie]

what if... i made apep a mother to fraternal twin dragons who both hate and love humanity.... internal dragon conflict because apep HATES humans....

[kopivie]

dude i've been in such terrible emotional and mental distress that it's fucking with me physically. like i think i reached my dissociation limit or smth, i am Not Well

[kopivie]

‘Tis my birthday once again today… eee

How have you been recently, by the way?

Also this is quite random but you know when we were talking about mermaid!Anaxa some time ago (I think that was with you?) — do you know where the posts are? I tried looking for them but I couldn’t find them anywhere…

-🎻 anon

WHAT THE FUCK???? WHAT??? I MISSED IT??? OH MY GOD HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY HI???

i am so so so sorry i'm just now seeing this :( HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY MY LOVE, I'M PUTTING THIS DOWN IN MY CALENDAR 🥺🥺

and yes, the mermaid!anaxa was with me! it's over on my other blog, i'll look for the posts and try and link em to you when i get the chance later !!

[kopivie]

talking about star rail always fans the embers of my creative spirit. theorizing about hoyoverse games with my best friend makes me want to make things of my own. i just... idk. it's been years since i've written anything at this point. i've got no talent left in me.

[kopivie]

this whole passive thought process of feeling inadequate or stagnant or just overall like shit is too much. it's too fucking much dawg i can't do this anymore. i'm just not good enough. i can't do anything. i'm good at what i do but apparently not good enough to receive recognition or feedback. i'm a good friend but never anyone's first choice. i have to sit back and watch as my life slips away from me because every time i fucking try, i'm let down or ignored.

what the fuck else am i supposed to do other than give the fuck up?

[kopivie]

i hate myself so fucking much lmao. i give up. someone referred me to a job -- very good job, btw -- and the interview went very well... and i didn't get it. after almost a full fucking year of trying to find a job that isn't so physically taxing and one that's got people around me that i know.. and nope. no.

im literally not good enough

[kopivie]

trying to make a phainon mii in tomodachi life is so fucking hard bc idk how to draw... just gonna have to settle

[kopivie]

a friend of mine is making their own atla universe and suddenly i'm feeling the urge to write again... inspiration comes from everywhere but my abilities are just.. ugh. i'm still so hard on myself, even now.

i miss my atla universe though ... haruna is my baby and i think i might write something about her. maybe.

[kopivie]

and to the lady who walked up to my register today and just immediately threw me off with a sincere compliment... thank you :> i asked her how she was doing and she just went "i'm sorry, you're just so gorgeous." and i'm?? AH wow okay thank you 🥺🥺

[kopivie]

i heard myself say to my little sister that i didn't have a big sister growing up. i had nobody. and she tried to reason with me that i had our mother to myself for seven years, but that's not the same. a mother is a mother, not a big sister -- even if she looks like one.

i couldn't borrow someone's clothes or have silly arguments and impromptu pillow fights. i never got that. i never had a big sister spoil me from time to time, or had someone check my attitude because they've been through this life once before. i never had that. i was alone. i AM the big sister. i always have been, and i'm a terrible one. i'm depressed, lazy, and perpetually broke. i'm a fucking terrible example and my sister is almost in college now, and i just.. what have i done for her lately? how can i do right by her when nobody has ever done right by me?

[kopivie]

my best friend suggested that i get back into writing by starting at my roots. making self-insert ocs and inserting them into the canon stories before branching out into my own worlds. which is... weird. i evolved so much that i forgot that that was how i began writing. my very first stories were about self-inserted sailor moon ocs.

so... now i'm wondering what my lore path and playable paths would be for honkai star rail. regardless of which hyv game i insert myself in, i know that my element of choice is ice or ether/quantum, but when it comes to actual mechanics, i... i dunno. not sure what i'd be.

like for example: a genshin version of myself would have a cryo vision and wield a polearm or have a catalyst. either one works for me. but as for where my vision comes from and which nation i'd be from... idk. maybe sumeru? probably sumeru, i guess.

for zenless zone zero, i can see myself as either an ice anomaly agent or ether anomaly. in terms of faction... i dunno. i'd probably be a proxy or have something to do with bangboo. idk.

honkai star rail is more complex in that each character has a path that they follow in the lore, but a path that they wield in gameplay. like yao guang being elation but being a hunt pathstrider, or sparkle being a masked fool (elation) in lore while being a harmony unit.

personally, i dunno where i'd stand and i DEFINITELY have no idea where i'd be from/what faction i'd follow. element would either be ice or quantum for sure, but path? i... have no idea. my best friend seems to think that in terms of playable paths, i'd either be ice nihility or imaginary remembrance, but like... where does the nihility come from? what about remembrance? i don't really have any object that people often associate with me that could serve as my memosprite so like... huh? and IMAGINARY?? really?????

idk. i'm really excited to do this because i'm working on actual game mechanics for myself. how i'd function in combat, what role i'd play, voice lines, etc. but it's hard when you don't really know yourself, and have a hard time understanding how/why people see you the way they do.

[kopivie]

scary man gave me an anxiety attack at work wooo why am i going through this

[kopivie]

i think i'm finally crumbling under the weight of my mask. i've been masking my autism my entire life and now that i'm under so much pressure, i'm actually losing my mind.