there's no way Professor McGonagall hasn't beat the shi out of Mrs. Norris when she was in her animagus form
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her

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Peter Solarz

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Andulka
trying on a metaphor
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Not today Justin

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i don't do bad sauce passes
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@koyababy
there's no way Professor McGonagall hasn't beat the shi out of Mrs. Norris when she was in her animagus form
Hermione: why are threesomes only for sex
Hermione: why can’t I join in on a couples argument if I want to
When Professor Granger receives a howler at breakfast, even owls stop flying.
It’s Ron. He’s breaking up with her.
“—as long as Malfoy is all you talk about, it’s ov—”
Hopeless, the witch sets the envelope on fire, but it’s too late. The Potions Master is already smiling.
“It wasn’t you,” she says as soon as she enters his classroom before the morning’s classes begin, not having considered that a few students would have already found their seats at their tables.
“The… Malfoy that Ron mentioned,” she repeats more quietly though no less harshly once she has crossed the gloomy room as casually as possible, her chin raised high, to his desk. “It wasn’t you.”
Focused on the preparation of some potion, his left hand busy stirring the hot liquid, her former classmate turned colleague doesn’t look up from his cauldron as he retorts, “Is that so? What’s with the urgency, then? You didn’t even took the time to clean up that cruddy pumpkin juice stain on your white blouse. You know, the one you caused in your panic.”
Caught off-guard by his comment, the witch tightens her robes over her chest, painfully conscious of the heat rising to her cheeks.
“Yes, well, you’re one to talk about cleanliness; your classroom reeks of your cologne. I know you’re trying to cover the fact that you never leave this hole to sleep or shower, but still. I’m sure your students would appreciate you airing it out a bit.”
That makes him pause and meet her gaze for two seconds that seem to last an eternity.
“What?” she grits through her teeth.
“Nothing. I just think it’s funny that you mention it, considering I’m not wearing any perfume today.”
She scoffs. “Yes, of course. And I’m totally imagining that green apple and eucalyptus scent that’s currently assaulting my nostrils. Sure.”
“Professor?” A student asks at the same time Hermione realises that every stool has now found its student. “Is the class cancelled?”
Shit.
“Oh, no. Actually, it’s already started,” Malfoy replies as he redirects his attention to her with a devilish grin on his lips. “Professor Granger, why don’t you share with the rest of the class what you just smelled in your Amortentia?”
Through time and alternate realities I'm forever reading about the same two people falling in love and God's bless the writers who give me that!
If I have already posted I am reposting
artist: @dar.a_art
my traumatized ass: do I have a crush or am I just idolizing this person for being vaguely nice to me
FUCK
Despite the fact that I occasionally compulsively overshare, people somehow still manage to know nothing about me
Can’t believe I’m just so cool and sexy and it’s all because I’m bisexual
two different groups of people think this is an exchange between some random and an icon
reblogging again bc i just realised that this farah person is significant in some way and i spent ages trying to understand
only 2015s kids remember thebootydiaries
Sometimes it feels like I can still see her posts.
Me: *starts crying* Me to myself: omg here go your lil crybaby ass…
lilith was created before eve from the same soil as adam to be his wife
she refused to lay beneath him, wishing to be his equal, only willing to have sex with him if she was on his side or on top
adam tried to force her to have sex with him the way he wanted, so she left him and became a demon…
…go off
i mean we could talk about how lilith was a badass who’d rather be a demon than be subservient to a man or we could talk about the allegory here where a woman who demands agency is LITERALLY demonized… or the reality that this story means that the first man in the bible (or the first man ever, if you subscribe to that) was a rapist! great start, boys
this is so important.
I wonder how different shit would be if Adam attempting to rape Lilith was the “original sin” instead of Eve eating the apple.
That last comment hit me hard…
Sometimes… demons… are better
noo dont take care of me its rotten work aha
noo not to me you’re so sexy aha
if my girlfriend was talking enthusastically about an interest that we did not share, i would simply listen with excited interest. rip to straight men but im different
me trying to sound employable: i love effort.... and doing things. i love trying. working is the best. i love it when its hard, and bad
the concept of peer review is bonkers tbh. you think jake knows what’s happening in this class enough to tell me if i wrote my paper correctly? JAKE?????
One of the funniest things I ever experienced was when I went to go see John Mulaney live, and halfway through a bit about how expensive college in the States is, he looked down at the sleeve of his suit jacket and just. stopped. dead halt, mid sentence.
And after like three seconds, where we’re all trying to figure out the punchline because the story clearly hadn’t ended, and John Mulaney quietly says, “Has there been tinfoil on my buttons the whole goddamn show?”
He’d taken his suit to the drycleaner, and they’d wrapped the buttons on the sleeves and the coat with tinfoil to protect them, and John Mulaney didn’t notice until half-way through his set, and was SO FLABBERGASTED that he never did finish the story about college and instead did five minutes on how stupid it was that his buttons were reflecting the light and he just didn’t notice, and in that moment I understood more about John Mulaney as a person than I ever have.
during one of his portland shows, he noticed this like 7 year old girl in the front row and asked her (and her parents) if she ‘is aware that she is physically here right now’ or if she was just brought along. turns out her favorite john mulaney bit is the “and I’m new in town” bit and that she’s seen all his stuff. He was so shocked and discomforted by the fact a SEVEN YEAR OLD has seen his shows, that he couldn’t get through a bit about donating to charity without interrupting himself at least three times to import good life lessons on this small child, as if that makes up for all the horrible things he’s said that she heard
When I saw him in Ft. Lauderdale, there was a bar in the lobby that people kept leaving to go to. At one point, a guy in the front row just got up and BOOKED IT to get drinks. John Mulaney looked over at a woman who was next to the empty seat and asked, “Are you with him? What’s his name?”
She was, in fact, with him, and she did tell him her date’s name. John Mulaney considered this, looked around, and unplugged his microphone. Leaning in to us, he told us that we were going to trick this guy so fuckin hard. He said, “At some point during the show, I am going to stop and say, ‘Well, you guys know what they say here in Ft. Lauderdale,’ and then you guys are all going to scream back ‘WE LOVE MILKSHAKES!’ He’ll be so confused.”
He then continued on with the show as normal, the drinks guy returned to his seat, and that was that for quite a long time. We thought he had forgotten about it until, at some point during what I believe was his McDonald’s drive-thru bit, he shrugged his shoulders and said, “You guys know what they say here in Ft. Lauderdale…”
Naturally, we erupted with “WE LOVE MILKSHAKES” and John Mulaney SWUNG around to face the drinks guy and said, “I bet you’re real confused now, huh, JASON?!”
ah so john mulaney is a chaotic neutral cryptid
i saw him last night and there was a good ten minute interlude where a woman told him everything she found wrong with his suit, including that his pants were too high waisted to which he replied “that’s where my hips are” and someone in the back shouted “look at that high waisted man he’s got feminine hips!” and he yelled back “that’s my joke! i’m offended!!”
I saw him live at my college. During his show he shouted something, which spooked a service dog in training that someone had brought with them (the dogs are common on campus, cause they are learning how to socialize and be in large crowds without reacting). Seeing the dog had been scared he apologized and asked the dog’s name. Upon hearing the dogs name was “Blanket” he about lost his god damn mind he was so happy. throughout the show he kept checking on Blanket. It was adorable.
This is my favorite version of this thread now