Months of stalling had gone by and a choice had to be made. Her village needed a decisive leader, but she was plagued by the curse of uncertainty. Knowing the fate of her people rested in her hands, she sought counsel from an elder, the wise woman who lived on the side of a mountain. Upon entering her cave, she found the woman standing before her, her eyes fixed on the ceiling in a trance-like state. The elder woman's hands slowly lifted, then quickly collapsed on the young woman's face, covering her in black clay. A deep inhale instantly sent a shockwave through her core. She sat back in her body, feeling a sense of confidence and fervent faith grow within her. She now knew what she had to do.
Being: Lava Terra Australian Black Complexion Clay Ritual
Hello, my dear blog that I have neglected for far too long. I apologize for being absent, treating you like those hand me down throw pillows I keep saying I am going to cover with fabric knowing full well I can’t sew. It’s just that I have gone from being caught up in self pity for being unemployed, to FINALLY busy in my new job. (insert happy dance here) Plus, I haven’t really had much to write about...there is only so much of my woe is me somebody let your girl hold ‘bout $50 where is God does He hate me posts one can take.
I’m back now and as customary, I have been agitated by something...my normal prompt for a post. I am sure I have ranted about my love life, or lack thereof, several times but I think I need to put a disclaimer out there for those who may be considering approaching me with hopes of claiming the prized title of “boo-thang.”
I recently had a young man pop up in my inbox, showing this sudden and somewhat eerie interest in me. I have known this guy for many years but haven’t talked to him in many more. I don’t even think I remember what his voice sounds like. But all of sudden...nigga in my inbox, expressing interest in being my babydaddy.
Look, I am going to get married and have children in the near future. And when my younguns ask how mommy and daddy met, I will NOT say that it was through some gotdamn Facebook messages. I want a story, something supernatural, evident of God’s hand in our joining together. THIS nigga LIVES with a woman he refers to as a “candidate” and yet he is in my inbox “auditioning” me. Fuck outta here.
I’m going to tell ya’ll like I told him: I’m a catch like a motherfucker. I am beautiful, intelligent, talented, claschet (classy AND ratchet when necessary for those not familiar with the term), I am spiritual and Holy-Ghost filled, never married, no children, healthy and fit, independent, can twerk, knows how to cook when given a recipe, keeps a clean house, am respectful of others and their beliefs, creative, knows all the lyrics to 8-Ball and MJG’s “Lay It Down”, and one of my favorite bands is Radiohead. I am working towards becoming a yogi and am getting into smudging, meditation, and healing with crystals. Transitioning to natural and going organic. 35 years old but it looks like I just turned 22. And I love fem porn. The fuck more could you ask for.
NOW. Knowing all of the above, WHY would I be with someone who expresses interest in me while living with another woman?? I am a gotdamn LADY, homeboy...a woman of worth! And while it unfortunately took a long time for me to realize this, I know it now and will never sell myself short again. EVER.
Aside from living with a woman, there is another pet peeve of mine that this fellow displays: He can’t spell. No, I am not going to say that; it makes him sound stupid. He doesn’t take his time to spell out words correctly. There. That’s better. For example:
Whatever - wateva
Good - gud
Why - y
Yourself - urself
Haven’t - havnt
Definitely - difinely
Okay, so that last one may be cause for concern but for the rest...I get it. In this texting generation we live in, people have lost the desire to communicate properly. Everything is getting abbreviated, shortened...words are becoming acronyms, common expressions like “Thank you” are being written with hashtags in front of it. It’s what people are doing now. It’s just not something that the man I allow to date me will do. Use your words, son. Ar-ti-cu-late.
And better yet, CALL. I have seen so many memes on social media that indicate that a common trend is that people prefer to text over dialing a number. What’s that all about? If I don’t want to talk to you not only am I not going to answer your call, I am not going to respond to your text either. I actually hate texting for the most part; however, it can be very convenient.
To those interested in pursuing me, though? You better pick up that phone. Dude I mentioned above was given my phone number over a week ago (before I learned he lived with his “candidate”, mind you) and this ninja ain’t called me yet. Just filling up my inbox with all these misspelled and abbreviated words. The fuck. Outta here!
I am so ready to get booed up, I don’t know what to do. I am tired of being by my damn self. I want a friend, a spiritual partner and confidante, a lover, a leader, a counselor, a MAN. But as low key desperate as I am to be found by love, I am not going to just settle for anyone. Yes, I am getting older, and thus may not have room to be picky but damn that. I’d rather be alone than settle for the sake of NOT being alone anymore.
For example, I have a friend trying to hook me up with two different guy friends of hers. I am not interested in either one of them. The first guy is ugly. Point blank period. I want kids and I talk about folks ugly children. Why would I even do that to myself? Hell, I dodged the bullet with my ex; he didn’t want to have kids anyway but had he slipped up, I may have been in trouble. He isn’t a bad looking guy, quite sexy at some angles but his children are a bit unfortunate in the looks department.
But I’ve digressed. I said I was going to stop talking about his kids. Lord, forgive me. Ahem. Moving on.
Ya’ll, I know it may be shallow to some but I have to be attracted to my man...and I am not attracted to this guy my friend is trying to set me up with, even if he is as nice of a guy as she says he is and regardless of how he is known to provide financially for his women. He just ain’t cute. And he wears those corny ass wraparound Oakley style sunglasses. Bruh. No.
Now, the second guy isn’t that bad looking but he’s a Kappa. No offense to my frat brothers who may be reading this but I am just not into that lifestyle. Throwing up frat signs on pictures, still twirling canes and stepping at 55. I just can’t do it. I won’t do it. Plus, he didn’t strike up a conversation at the party where we met the first time but three weeks later, asks our mutual friend to give me his number. For what? I can’t think of a single reason to call you, hunty. You had an opportunity to give me a reason before I stalked your Facebook page and saw what a square you were. Bus missed.
And again, I know all this sounds shallow but I am at the point where I HAVE to be particular about who I share my time with. It is too valuable, and I am too valuable to extend myself to just anyone. I am not going to commit a precious moment to a person who can only contact me via Facebook, nor am I interested in being “hooked up” by anyone. I am waiting for the man God leads to me and I know that He has something more creative in mind than some dude I went to high school with who wants to see “wzup wit me” or some guys a new friend who has only known me for like a month thinks may be good for me.
I remember a comedian many years ago joking about how he too wanted a story about how he and his woman met: “Like, at the gas station while she was putting $4 on pump 2.” I want something like that...a choice coincidence. A meeting of fate.
For example, when I was at orientation for my new job, I was standing outside the classroom, and I heard a voice say, “I knew I recognized you from somewhere.” I looked up and it was this kind, smiling face. I asked him where from and he said it was from when I was a Sales Manager at Aaron’s. He mentioned that he’d come back up there looking for me, but was told that I’d quit. He was about to teach a training course not related to my position so I did not attend that session, and thus was not able to finish the conversation or get his name. I only saw him once again in passing the next day and our conversation then was cut short by some young male thots running up in my face trying to be “friendly.” I haven’t seen him since but if I do, I know it was meant. Third time’s the charm, right?
And see, that’s what I am talking about. I am not saying that this guy is the one but that is an example of a story. Of a divine meeting. I hadn’t been at Aaron’s for over a year and it is on my new job that I run into a guy who’d been looking for me since my old job. A story. Not a gotdamn audition or a blind date.
So I started off this post saying that I wanted to put some disclaimers out there for those who may be interested. Based on some recent and past experiences, here are a few:
1. Get out my gotdamn inbox. I am not looking for a pen pal and if I were, I would want something more thoughtful, like an actual handwritten letter sent to my apartment’s mailbox.
2. Use human words. I am going to start putting those captchas in my inbox to test to see if I am talking to real people or robots. Do not speak to me in acronyms, abbreviated words, or hashtags. I am a former English major who likes to read WORDS and for fuck’s sake, our conversation isn’t trending so why all the hashtags?
3. CALL. If I give you my number, it is so you can CALL me. I am old fashioned that way. I like to talk on the phone. If you don’t have time to call me, then you don’t have time for me. It’s as simple as that.
4. Don’t ask your friend to hook us up. We are not in high school. We grown as hell right now and if you are incapable of striking up an intelligent enough conversation to pique my interest then that’s on you. I ain’t the one for you. I’d go to Matchmaker.com or some shit if I wanted something generic. I am in the market for the real...and you ain’t real if you need assistance.
5. If you are involved with a woman, whether you all are in the middle of a divorce, living together but sleeping in separate rooms at the moment, about to break up, whatever the case may be...get out my damn face. I am recently cleansed of the karma the actions of my youth dispelled upon me and I am not interested in getting caught up in any foolishness. I have watched enough Snapped to know that bitches be tripping over these men and unless you are a fellow floating leaf such as myself, I will repeat: get out my damn face.
Now, there are more where that came from but I am going to keep the list on topic with the rest of this post. As situations arise during the course of my future interactions with our dear male species, I will list more. I just had to get this all off my chest as I was kind of blowed by some of the recent correspondence with dude mentioned above and I don’t want to have to repeat myself. I will just link this post if necessary.
Social justice activist Bree Newsome released the following statement exclusively to Blue Nation Review.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Over the weekend, a young freedom fighter and community organizer mounted an awe-inspiring campaign to bring down the Confederate battle flag. Brittany “Bree” Newsome, in a courageous act of civil disobedience, scaled a metal pole using a climbing harness, to remove the flag from the grounds of the South Carolina state capitol. Her long dread locks danced in the wind as she descended to the ground while quoting scripture. She refused law enforcement commands to end her mission and was immediately arrested along with ally James Ian Tyson, who is also from Charlotte, North Carolina.
Earlier this week, social justice activist and progressive blogger Shaun King offered a “bounty” on the flag and offered to pay any necessary bail bond fees. Newsome declined the cash reward, asking that all proceeds go to funds supporting victims of the Charleston church massacre. Social media users raised more than $75,000 to fund legal expenses. South Carolina House Minority Leader Todd Rutherford, a renowned defense attorney, has agreed to represent Newsome and Tyson as they face criminal charges.
Newsome released the following statement exclusively to Blue Nation Review:
Now is the time for true courage.
I realized that now is the time for true courage the morning after the Charleston Massacre shook me to the core of my being. I couldn’t sleep. I sat awake in the dead of night. All the ghosts of the past seemed to be rising.
Not long ago, I had watched the beginning of Selma, the reenactment of the 16th Street Baptist Church bombing and had shuddered at the horrors of history.
But this was neither a scene from a movie nor was it the past. A white man had just entered a black church and massacred people as they prayed. He had assassinated a civil rights leader. This was not a page in a textbook I was reading nor an inscription on a monument I was visiting.
This was now.
This was real.
This was—this is—still happening.
I began my activism by participating in the Moral Monday movement, fighting to restore voting rights in North Carolina after the Supreme Court struck down key protections of the 1965 Voting Rights Act.
I traveled down to Florida where the Dream Defenders were demanding justice for Trayvon Martin, who reminded me of a modern-day Emmett Till.
I marched with the Ohio Students Association as they demanded justice for victims of police brutality.
I watched in horror as black Americans were tear-gassed in their own neighborhoods in Ferguson, MO. “Reminds me of the Klan,” my grandmother said as we watched the news together. As a young black girl in South Carolina, she had witnessed the Klan drag her neighbor from his house and brutally beat him because he was a black physician who had treated a white woman.
I visited with black residents of West Baltimore, MD who, under curfew, had to present work papers to police to enter and exit their own neighborhood. “These are my freedom papers to show the slave catchers,” my friend said with a wry smile.
And now, in the past 6 days, I’ve seen arson attacks against 5 black churches in the South, including in Charlotte, NC where I organize alongside other community members striving to create greater self-sufficiency and political empowerment in low-income neighborhoods.
For far too long, white supremacy has dominated the politics of America resulting in the creation of racist laws and cultural practices designed to subjugate non-whites. And the emblem of the confederacy, the stars and bars, in all its manifestations, has long been the most recognizable banner of this political ideology. It’s the banner of racial intimidation and fear whose popularity experiences an uptick whenever black Americans appear to be making gains economically and politically in this country.
It’s a reminder how, for centuries, the oppressive status quo has been undergirded by white supremacist violence with the tacit approval of too many political leaders.
The night of the Charleston Massacre, I had a crisis of faith. The people who gathered for Bible study in Emmanuel AME Church that night—Cynthia Marie Graham Hurd, Susie Jackson, Ethel Lee Lance, Depayne Middleton-Doctor, Tywanza Sanders, Daniel Simmons, Sharonda Coleman-Singleton, Myra Thompson and Rev. Clementa Pinckney (rest in peace)—were only doing what Christians are called to do when anyone knocks on the door of the church: invite them into fellowship and worship.
The day after the massacre I was asked what the next step was and I said I didn’t know. We’ve been here before and here we are again: black people slain simply for being black; an attack on the black church as a place of spiritual refuge and community organization.
I refuse to be ruled by fear. How can America be free and be ruled by fear? How can anyone be?
So, earlier this week I gathered with a small group of concerned citizens, both black and white, who represented various walks of life, spiritual beliefs, gender identities and sexual orientations. Like millions of others in America and around the world, including South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley and President Barack Obama, we felt (and still feel) that the confederate battle flag in South Carolina, hung in 1962 at the height of the Civil Rights Movement, must come down. (Of course, we are not the first to demand the flag’s removal. Civil rights groups in South Carolina and nationwide have been calling for the flag’s removal since the moment it was raised, and I acknowledge their efforts in working to remove the flag over the years via the legislative process.)
We discussed it and decided to remove the flag immediately, both as an act of civil disobedience and as a demonstration of the power people have when we work together. Achieving this would require many roles, including someone who must volunteer to scale the pole and remove the flag. It was decided that this role should go to a black woman and that a white man should be the one to help her over the fence as a sign that our alliance transcended both racial and gender divides. We made this decision because for us, this is not simply about a flag, but rather it is about abolishing the spirit of hatred and oppression in all its forms.
I removed the flag not only in defiance of those who enslaved my ancestors in the southern United States, but also in defiance of the oppression that continues against black people globally in 2015, including the ongoing ethnic cleansing in the Dominican Republic. I did it in solidarity with the South African students who toppled a statue of the white supremacist, colonialist Cecil Rhodes. I did it for all the fierce black women on the front lines of the movement and for all the little black girls who are watching us. I did it because I am free.
To all those who might label me an “outside agitator,” I say to you that humanitarianism has no borders. I am a global citizen. My prayers are with the poor, the afflicted and the oppressed everywhere in the world, as Christ instructs. If this act of disobedience can also serve as a symbol to other peoples’ struggles against oppression or as a symbol of victory over fear and hate, then I know all the more that I did the right thing.
Even if there were borders to my empathy, those borders would most certainly extend into South Carolina. Several of my African ancestors entered this continent through the slave market in Charleston. Their unpaid toil brought wealth to America via Carolina plantations. I am descended from those who survived racial oppression as they built this nation: My 4th great grandfather, who stood on an auction block in South Carolina refusing to be sold without his wife and newborn baby; that newborn baby, my 3rd great grandmother, enslaved for 27 years on a plantation in Rembert, SC where she prayed daily for her children to see freedom; her husband, my 3rd great grandfather, an enslaved plowboy on the same plantation who founded a church on the eve of the Civil War that stands to this day; their son, my great-great grandfather, the one they called “Free Baby” because he was their first child born free, all in South Carolina.
You see, I know my history and my heritage. The Confederacy is neither the only legacy of the south nor an admirable one. The southern heritage I embrace is the legacy of a people unbowed by racial oppression. It includes towering figures of the Civil Rights Movement like Ida B. Wells, Martin Luther King, Jr., Fannie Lou Hamer, Rosa Parks, Medgar Evers and Ella Baker. It includes the many people who rarely make the history books but without whom there is no movement. It includes pillars of the community like Rev. Clementa Pinckney and Emmanuel AME Church.
The history of the South is also in many ways complex and full of inconvenient truths. But in order to move into the future we must reckon with the past. That’s why I commend people like Sen. Paul Thurmond for having the courage to speak truth in this moment.
Words cannot express how deeply touched I am to see how yesterday’s action inspired so many. The artwork, poems, music and memes are simply beautiful! I am also deeply grateful to those who have generously donated to the defense fund established in my name and to those who have offered to cover my legal expenses.
As you are admiring my courage in that moment, please remember that this is not, never has been and never should be just about one woman. This action required collective courage just as this movement requires collective courage. Not everyone who participated in the strategizing for this non-violent direct action volunteered to have their names in the news so I will respect their privacy. Nonetheless, I’m honored to be counted among the many freedom fighters, both living and dead.
I see no greater moral cause than liberation, equality and justice for all God’s people. What better reason to risk your own freedom than to fight for the freedom of others? That’s the moral courage demonstrated yesterday by James Ian Tyson who helped me across the fence and stood guard as I climbed. History will rightly remember him alongside the many white allies who, over the centuries, have risked their own safety in defense of black life and in the name of racial equality.
While I remain highly critical of the nature of policing itself in the United States, both the police and the jailhouse personnel I encountered on Saturday were nothing short of professional in their interactions with me. I know there was some concern from supporters on the outside that I might be harmed while in police custody, but that was not the case.
It is important to remember that our struggle doesn’t end when the flag comes down. The Confederacy is a southern thing, but white supremacy is not. Our generation has taken up the banner to fight battles many thought were won long ago. We must fight with all vigor now so that our grandchildren aren’t still fighting these battles in another 50 years. Black Lives Matter. This is non-negotiable.
I encourage everyone to understand the history, recognize the problems of the present and take action to show the world that the status quo is not acceptable. The last few days have confirmed to me that people understand the importance of action and are ready to take such action. Whether the topic is trending nationally or it’s an issue affecting our local communities, those of us who are conscious must do what is right in this moment. And we must do it without fear. New eras require new models of leadership. This is a multi-leader movement. I believe that. I stand by that. I am because we are. I am one of many.
This moment is a call to action for us all. All honor and praise to God.
#radicalselflovejuly #day1 #selfportrait @galadarling #photochallenge I can't #draw but I sure can #trace! This is a copy of a #selfie I took in honor of #ThePowerOfMakeup #movement a few days ago! 💋💋💋
Came across the article above and the caption below it by 1225pm read:
Another Church Fire, here in SC.
What can we do?
This is the question I have been asking for the past couple of weeks. Naturally, emotions have been welling up in me with every new instance of a person of Color being brutally attacked and/or murdered by the hands of the very people placed in the position to protect; however, I have been on emotional overdrive since the incident in Charleston.
Yet we are being distracted by marriage equality while war is being waged on our sanctuaries. This battle has gone deeper than Black vs. white. We are in the midst of spiritual warfare...and right now it seems that the principalities, the rulers of darkness, the spiritual wickedness in high places...yes, it seems that for the time, evil is prevailing. And it leads me back to the variation of the question listed above: not what CAN we do...what ARE WE GOING to do?
The immediate answer to a believer is always to pray. Yet in the face of evil going against the very place we are meant to feel the safest, it is no surprise that some may wonder if praying is in vain.
Well, perhaps I am just speaking for myself.
But as I was reading in my “Prayer Warrior” book last night, I came across a passage where Stormie Omartian writes: “Every time you pray, you shine the light of the world on evil, and evil cannot exist in the light of the Son.”
I paused after reading that and contemplated the thought: Well, Dylann was at the PRAYER meeting for an hour, and yet his evil plan didn’t cease to exist. How can that be justified against this statement?
Even now as I think on it again, I am struggling for the answer and I am sure that many others across the nation, the world even, are wondering the same thing.
I remember when the story of the tragedy in Charleston first came out, one of the first things I asked was: “Where is God?”
Oh, if only we could be given even the smallest glimpse into His plans. I have been trying to figure Him out for a while now. You may have read my last post when I was so distraught by my present circumstances that I considered “breaking up” with Him as it seemed that our relationship wasn’t going anywhere.
I have been searching for His presence, His guidance, His direction during a time where I feel so aimless and lost and I still have yet to know if I am doing what He wants me to do.
However, one of the things that has been revealed to me in the midst of the latest chaos in the world is that I spent too much time worrying about myself. There is a war happening in the spiritual realm and I need to direct my attention there. “There are things much bigger than you, Kristen,” He said. “It’s time to armor up.”
I asked where is God and while it seems like a pretty general question on the surface, the answers swirling in my head go so deep. First and foremost, although I stated so in my last post, I don’t think that God will ever turn His back on us. However, I do feel as if He has fallen back a little bit. We always pray to Him with the hopes that He will do something but I have a feeling that God wants us all to band together and try to figure this thing out as a family.
I feel that one of the tricks of the enemy in this attack on the church is for us to begin to fear the church. I wonder how many people have stopped going to church because of what happened in Charleston. How many have considered or even who have started to bring weapons into the church to be able to protect themselves against a similar attack in their sanctuary.
How many churches have installed metal detectors and have hired armed guards to sit within the congregation during church service. How many spend more time eyeing who comes in through the church doors than listening to the message.
This is all a part of the enemy’s ploy. He wants us to be filled with paranoia, worry, doubt, distrust. He wants us to be AFRAID. And why? Because fear cripples us, makes us weak, makes us waver in faith which in turn makes us vulnerable, and unable to fight back.
This, my people, is not an option right now.
As I began to write this piece, I hoped, like all of the other pieces I’ve written where I couldn’t find the answers to my concerns until after I read what I wrote, that answers would come and that I would be able to share words and advice and thoughts on how to activate change...however, I am still really struggling to sort out what is going on and what needs to be done.
Reading back over the above until now I am left only with what DOESN’T need to be done...and that is: DO NOT BE AFRAID.
This is so true. I truly feel that you can learn a lot about a person through the music they listen to. Quite often music communicates the inner mysteries of our being in ways we are unable to articulate. This is why I can't live without it.
Untitled thoughts on this warm Wednesday evening...
I am prepping myself for one of the hardest breakups of my life. I have been in a love-hate relationship with God for the past five years. From the moment I entered into my 30′s my life has been a rollercoaster of emotions that have led me to suffer anxiety attacks and contemplate suicide. I won’t get into a lot of detail; instead will just point out that lately I have been wondering what is the whole point of worshipping a God who picks and chooses who He wants to bless and when?
There are people who walk this earth who don’t give two shits about God. Do not acknowledge Him in anything, who give themselves credit for all that is going beautifully in their lives and yet God continues to bless them. People like me who talk to Him CONSTANTLY throughout the day, thanking Him for all that I have, acknowledging Him in every good work: ha! We get four months of anxiety. We get bill collectors calling every day demanding payments on delinquent accounts. We get “blessed” with dead end jobs completely below our worth and potential. And it just leads me to ask again: what the hell am I praising Him for?
Someone posted a picture the other day on Facebook that said something to the effect of this trial is simply preparing me for a greater blessing. Man, fuck that. I am not here for no damn Facebook prophecy. I want...no NEED to hear it from the Man Himself. I keep telling myself to be patient and press through and I try to convince myself that it’s in fact God telling me these things but I am at the point now that unless He burns a bush in front of my apartment and speaks to me directly, I am not going by anyone else’s word...not even my own.
I was fussing with Him today and I told Him that I feel dumb praying to Him now. I feel that it’s useless, futile. That I am actually just in here literally praying to my walls because I have been asking for guidance and direction since February and the best He could come up with is a bullshit job in a mall department store. I am a 35 year old woman with a college degree. Well, let me X that last part out because a college degree doesn’t really account for much these days. I have been turned down for jobs where all you need is a damn GED.
Rewind. I am a 35 year old woman with creativity, multiple talents. I wish I had more drive while in college, like my little sis. She was focused throughout and is now in a lucrative career in her academic field of choice. I am a damn leaf blowing in the wind with no direction, no real goals, no definitive purpose. I feel as if I don’t have much value...and it’s like I KNOW I have value but I have yet to be in a place where that value is evident. Like seriously, God...selling fucking washing machines in Sears? How can that possibly prepare me for anything aside from a career in selling washing machines in Sears?
All of my dream careers and goals: being a fitness trainer, having dance studio, writing a screenplay...I can’t focus on that shit when I haven’t been able to pay my rent in three months. I can’t focus on that when I don’t know if my car is going to be repossessed. I can’t focus on that when I am not sure how long my electricity will be on, being that I haven’t paid my bill in now going on two months.
But I am meant to keep on praising God. And thanking God. And believing in God. And waiting on God. What. For????
Have these new age atheists been right all along? Are we all fools for believing in God? The thing I am feeling now is that yes, God is real...but He seems to have turned His back on us all. All those who worship Him seem to get the short end of the stick while those who oppose Him prosper. I just don’t understand it.
I told Him today that I have had my fill of His goddamn tests. I don’t need Him putting me into fucked up situations to test my faith and patience anymore. I am going to fail...deliberately. I quit my job at Cadillac because it was some ole bullshit with inconsistent pay and entirely too much idle time. I quit because I felt my life was wasting away as I spent 90% of my day WAITING for an opportunity to MAYBE make a sale and POSSIBLY get a miniature $150 for my hours of trouble.
I then went on and submitted, oh let’s say, about ONE HUNDRED fucking job applications in the village of Fayetteville and THE ONLY DOOR THAT OPENED was a job EXACTLY LIKE Cadillac. Commissioned sales (that I hate) in a drab environment (that I am unable to be motivated in) selling products (that do not inspire me). A lot of idle time but this time instead of having the blessing of a seat, I am on my feet for 8 hours.
Now let me just state for the record that I will work a 12 hour day on my feet...if I am WORKING. But I cannot stand around and wait for work. I want to WORK. I have to be constantly active, moving...I need busy work...not this sitting around waiting for opportunities for pay POTENTIAL.
So what have I been doing? Believing in God for a better job. Asking Him daily for guidance and direction. I am supposed to be at Sears right now but after bursting into tears the instant I walked in the door from work last night, I realized that I cannot go back.
Instead, I spent the day applying for jobs. A few here in the village and more in the actual city of Raleigh. And the entire process just has me so frazzled and angry because I don’t know what I am meant to be doing! I am not hearing from the one Being that can give me the guidance and direction that I need. Clearly, being that none of my 100 application submissions have been accepted, I am not meant to be in Fayetteville. That’s cool. This place fucking sucks anyway.
But is Raleigh the place? Should I be looking into moving back to Mobile? I have a friend offering me room and board in Seattle, Washington...do I trade my southern sun for some northern rain?
And these aspirations to be a fitness trainer, own a dance studio, write a screenplay? Where are the opportunities for me to pursue these aspirations while maintaining a steady income that affords me a sufficient quality of life?
Bruh, I don’t even aspire to be rich...I just want to be comfortable. I want to be able to pay all of my bills in full, on time. I want to be able to keep a full refrigerator without government assistance. I want to be able to pay my car off in five years, get back in good standing on my credit card payments, eliminate my student loan debt.
That’s all. No mansion or fancy car, or expensive wardrobe. No beach villas in Spain or mountain lodges in Italy...though that would be nice. No. I just want financial STABILITY. Which I don’t think is very much to ask of my God but He seems to be more set on testing me through some damn tribulations. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I got people on my phone singing, “Bitch betta have my money!” EVERYDAY! Enough with the tests, man. There is only so much I can take before I’m like, “Fuck you...I want out of this relationship as it is clearly going nowhere.”
And this is how I have been feeling lately...like I just want to break up with God. I am tired of being ignored by Him. It’s one thing to not be granted the things we want when we want them...that’s not how the world works...I get that. What I don’t get is the silent treatment. I have done nothing to deserve the silent treatment. So I am really wondering if it’s all even worth it.
Sigh...I’m out...He and I have a long conversation ahead of us.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that not everyone’s faith is set up the same as mine.
Don’t get me wrong...I falter every once in a while. I worry, I doubt, I overthink, and I question repeatedly. But in the end my overall faith in God and His promises always prevails.
I have been going through, or rather, I went through quite an anxietal (new word) period where my bills were piling up while my finances were draining low. I have yet to recover from that drought, so to speak, however I know that a turnaround is currently in the works.
I started my new job today and am looking forward to being able to pay my tithes again and get back in good standing with my debtees. (Why is the red squiggly line under debtee...that’s a word, right?)
Anyway, I am slowly but surely moving towards a major turnaround in my life and although I have no idea what my Father has up His sleeve...I know it’s something. All He has been requiring of me is a bit of patience, a lot of obedience, and consistency in prayer. That’s easy enough.
I have digressed a bit, however, as this post is actually a little mini rant...because you know...that’s what I do.
I got a little agitated this morning.
I have been waiting for about two weeks to hear back from the HR of a position I’d applied for on the base. My mother works in the same office and was assured by the HR manager that I will be getting the position; we were just waiting for all of the paperwork to come through from the agency I had to apply through.
I actually postponed starting my current job (which is only part-time) because I didn’t want them to waste money with background checks and drug screenings if we weren’t going to be able to work out a schedule where I could work both jobs. The deadline for submitting all of the necessary materials for this job was May 27 and since I hadn’t heard anything from the job on base I accepted the offer...better a part time job than no job at all.
So yea, today was my first day and I woke up pretty excited about it all. I soon received a text from my mother stating that they couldn’t offer me the position because I was related to her. Never mind there are other staff members there with family members working for the same company...no, we are not going to go there.
That, my friends, isn’t what agitated me. In fact, I wasn’t even bothered by not getting the position. I mean, yes, I wanted the job...it would have been a great fit for me, an ideal schedule, sufficient pay. However, I determined immediately that it just wasn’t in God’s design. He clearly has something else in mind so again, I wasn’t bothered. It was actually a slight relief as I no longer had that to wonder about and could now focus my attention on my current job and other opportunities to combine with it.
So here is where I get into my wee rant. I sent the following text to two friends:
“They won’t hire me on base as a temp because I am a family member. I pray that (my part-time job) proves lucrative enough until another door opens.”
The first friend responded with a sad face.
Ya’ll...that really irritated me. When I asked him why the sad face, he said it was because he really thought I was getting the position.
Friends, past, present and future. If you know me, if you claim to be a real friend of mine, you will KNOW that the worst thing you can do when I send you a text explaining that something happened opposite to what I was anticipating, is to reply with a goddamn sad face. The hell you sad for, dummy? How is that adding life and light to the situation? Where is the encouragement?
But again, I have to remember...everyone is not like me. I don’t do sad faces. I might act up and cut a damn fool from time to time over my own circumstances but when it comes to others, my job is to uplift and inspire.
For example, here is what the second friend responded:
“I was just thinking about you woman. It’s gonna work out. I’m believing with you.”
THAT, dear readers, is the perfect response, and the sign on a person who understands how God operates. He didn’t read that text and feel disappointment. He read that text and understood that what I needed was someone to virtually touch and agree with me in prayer.
“I’m believing with you.”
The magic freaking words.
I have had to learn the hard way that sitting and pouting over things not happening your way is counterproductive. I pouted myself into one of the most stressful periods of my life the last three months I worked for Cadillac. I am not doing that to myself anymore.
Yes, I truly hated being there and my financial circumstances made it difficult for me to see past the bad to move towards the good. Or maybe it did because all I knew is that I had to get out of there, and soon after I did, I realized that it was the best thing I did for myself. Although it didn’t put any money into my account, peace was restored to my mind...and that’s all I really wanted. Well...I also want money in my account but I needed my peace of mind back first.
Since then, my main priority has been really rebuilding my relationship with God, maintaining my trust in Him and keeping a spirit of calm about me when considering my future. That’s why that sad face irritated me. I am not in a place where sad faces do me any good. Especially if you are pouting about a circumstance in my life that I am not even pouting about!
I am truly drifting in the land of the unknown. My debts continue to pile, I haven’t been able to pay my rent in two months, I am not going to be able to pay my car note this month, and I have no idea if I am going to make enough money at this new job to recoup all of my losses. All I know is that I can’t afford sad faces. I have to keep my spirits up and a smile on my face because I have to attract the right kind of energy into my life.
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