Saturday night, just poured maybe my fifth drink. Not unusual, except for the fact it might of been more in previous years. I don’t think that’s really such an issue, anymore.
Halsey’s on my spotify, again. It’s been like this for nearly two weeks. Their entire discography, actually. I seemed to find the correlation between the timeline of events in my life with her albums and when they were released. I know I related at the time, of each, but even so looking back I can visualise everything happening according to the tracks. The lyrics themselves have always spoken true to my own experiences at the present moment.
I found myself creating and fully picturing my life with the soundtrack, like a bad musical, partly performing and showing visuals of possible recreations. This started while I was at work with my headphones in as I edited the garments we had shot.
Then I went home, poured a drink, and reorganised the songs slightly according to my own exact timeline. I performed.
Now each track throws me right back to what I imagine in my head, the personal events.
I fear that my ridiculous reality disappoints my dreams.
I long for my slumbers, and my state asleep. My dreams know me better than my lovers. I can only control so much awake, but it’s left to my brain to connect the dots in my own distant fantasies - I enjoy that more. I am obsessed with sleep.
Awake, I live my life in a constant slideshow or what has been, and what could be. I live through my past profusely. I recount every step in this exhausting journey. Every trauma locked away in my rusty cabinet.
I believe in that self to be somebody eventually.
I feel I am a star locked inside my own vision of a nightmare. Maybe I was in the past. I feel I should be, but not in this body.
But I live as though I am, in my mind.
Am I unhappy and less satisfied with my life because it ultimately is not what I picture every second I breathe in the world we consider real?
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