My Words

[writing-prompt-s]

A group of aliens have come to take over the world. To prevent a war, they make every living creature on the planet go to sleep– except you.

[kt-milton]

Myself

I want to be, need to be the most natural version of myself I can. And yet, i realize that in order to become the person I want to be, to actively strive for change and better, I must also be willing to reinvent myself. To change and grow one must be willing to be different from who they already are. But what if, I can’t imagine that person? They are lost and hiding from my imagination. They refuse to show themselves on the plan. So how do I get there, from here?

[softiesuggestion]

↖  this blog supports and welcomes people of every race, gender and sexuality

[buffylives]

Viola Davis Backstage Interview at the 2017 Academy Awards

[kt-milton]

Viola Davis is my definition of a charming, beautiful, mature black woman. I really do adore her.

[kt-milton]

I lie here. She is sprawled across the length of my torso. Her hefty ten pounds, silky fur and rumbling purr are a comfort I never knew I would miss so much. I think of other cats attempting to take her spot; mere kittens in comparison. So light their travels were barely noticable. I think of the time she had to call another person her comfort and home. It breaks me all the same. I never want to relive that feeling A literal emptiness resting on my heart.

[kt-milton]

Epiphanies

Maybe, just maybe...

Things we believe we want and dream and reach for, are not the things we truly need. Now surely, that is not a new sentiment to anyone of you. It isn’t news to me. However, I think we forget sometimes just how much this actually applies to. We are selfish. Always have been. Sure there are those among us that we label as truly generous and giving and self-sacrificing, but martyrdom only saves the masses. And the masses are more than glad to watch the other individual burn to save their own hide. But I digress. 

As selfish creatures I believe we paint images for ourselves as to what we should be and what would bring us happiness. Happiness is taught and treated as a goal, it has to to keep people in line. Got to school, so you can get that great job, meet that nice person, settle down with a couple kids and retire comfortably. Ahhh, the good ol’ american dream (similar recipes in other places, i’m sure). 

Here I am in my twenties, sitting naked in front of this computer, before eight in the morning, next to my cat and bong. And I have finally realized that i’ve been so much happier lately, because I stopped reaching for this one version of me that no matter how hard I tried, I kept failing to be. Even though it was never the only thing I ever wanted to be. I see so many possibilities for myself when daydreaming, versions that are filled with more smiles and semblances of a happy life and not just a good job. So why continue to struggle to just reach that one?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I regret nothing. Life is about experience. All of it. The struggles also make you who you are, I still wouldn’t be at this moment of epiphany without them. It’s just time to accept that maybe somethings didn’t factor in the way I wanted them to. Maybe it’s time to stop trying to break down door number one since doors two and three have been cracked open for years just waiting for me to take a peek.

[kt-milton]

No explanation needed

She inhales deeply. Slowing her thoughts to figure out where to begin. She can feel him watching her. He was always watching her. He wasn’t afraid to let her know it, either. There had been many a moments where he would interrupt her mid-sentence to tell her how much he enjoyed what he saw. 

She exhales as she turns to face him. “Okay... well you do come on a lil strong. But that isn’t even that bad really. I like how consistent you are, coming to visit me and whatnot, even if you do tend to put me on the spot sometimes.”

“Oh, there you go again!”  he blurts with a laugh, interrupting her mid-rant. “ How do I put you on the spot?” He asks with incredulous eyebrows.

“You do it, and you know it, because we’ve discussed it already. So, as I was saying,” pausing dramatically for a drag of the cigarette she nearly forgot she was holding. “That’s really not even what’s holding me back.”

Before she can react, he snatches the cigarette. He takes a long, thoughtful drag as she stares at his audacity. “Well, what is holding you back?” He finally asks, as she counts her losses and lights another.

“The mother of your children lives with you!” she almost shouts as she begins pacing the sidewalk. “And I know you said it is out of necessity and that I shouldn’t worry about it, but it’s serious enough for you to feel apprehensive about me coming to your house. Let’s be fair that’s a big ass red flag. And I honestly doubt anything you say is gonna make me feel better.” She stops suddenly, turning on her heel to face him. “Unless, you want me to meet her and ask for myself, which I’m sure you don’t want. Shit, I don’t want that!” 

As she walks back to her original spot against the wall, she can feel it again. Even staring at the ground, she feels his intent eyes on her. Finally he turns away and they are speechless as they inhale nicotine in an attempt to ease tension. “Well,” he says, breaking the silence, “what do you want me to say then?”

One more clearing drag. “Honestly? Nothing. Anything you say is going to sound like an excuse or you trying to play me. Whether it is or not, that’s how it’s gonna sound, and that’s how I’m gonna take it. I enjoy your company and talking to you, but I can’t imagine seeing where things can go because it already sounds like it is set up for disaster. You keep joking about me being scared of you, but not being cautious at all would be stupid! Any guy could be a lying dirtbag with women on the side all day and I not know it. But a guy that comes with a woman..living in his home! No matter what you say, or how you explain it, that is just asking for trouble!” she shakes her head as she takes a another drag. Spotting the customer walking toward the front door, she gets a final puff and tosses the butt in the store’s ashpot.

“Well I guess I should I just go then? Since what I say apparently don’t matter.” He spits the words at her back as she attempts to beat the impatient looking man to the door.

“Probably”