Andulka
Today's Document
Love Begins
trying on a metaphor
YOU ARE THE REASON
if i look back, i am lost
Jules of Nature
h
noise dept.
No title available
One Nice Bug Per Day
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
shark vs the universe
Noah Kahan
Sweet Seals For You, Always
No title available
tumblr dot com
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
taylor price
art blog(derogatory)
seen from United States
seen from Venezuela
seen from United States
seen from Colombia
seen from Venezuela
seen from Türkiye
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from Türkiye
seen from Colombia
seen from United States
seen from Colombia
seen from France
seen from Netherlands
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from Saudi Arabia
seen from United States
seen from Saudi Arabia
@ktanne-blog
Surprise! My almost sister in law is pregnant again… I will be keeping my distance… I have been struggling with secondary infertility now for three years and it just feels like everyone around me is lucky and I just wait… and bleed… wtaf
I am starting to feel alone again.. I wake up feeling overwhelmed the minute I open my eyes. Constantly worrying about my kids.. are they happy? Do I do enough for them? Am I good enough at my job? Why do I hate my job so much? The feeling of suffocation is overwhelming and I want to cry.. but for what? I need to fix myself and realign. Tonight… I legit thought of throwing myself from a moving vehicle.. but I would never do that to my kids.. they have literally no idea how much they save me in the daily.
Why is it that every time you are trying to get pregnant with so much failure and negative tests everyone around you suddenly is pregnant?
Why is this even a thing? Bc the defeated feeling is suffocating
This past year has been a huge eye opener for me. I have watched some friendships that I thought would never end, end abruptly. I have learned to allow myself to feel my emotions rather than shut them down and hide them away. I have struggled mentally and physically on every level. I have had tremendous heart ache and loved with all of my heart. I have witnessed things I didn’t think I would.. and I have grown strong.. stronger than I thought I ever could.. but tonight was a slight trigger.. so the old depression mode I use to lather myself in.. but I felt the hurt and stepped forward. I only write this now to fully process the feeling of hurt so I can move on. People I thought I knew I simply don’t. And it’s okay.. I’m learning to allow it to be okay..
I am semi broken. I witnessed and felt a 20 year old friendship end tonight. How does one be “okay” with this and move forward knowing it was likely happening but when it physically happened.. it crushed.
Alone…. Empty… those are the words I can find that fills the question.. how are you feeling? My job - toxic.. I bust my ASS at that job, literally making myself physically sick and stressed at the work I do and … nothing.. they promote a girl who never shows up.. always thinks someone is hitting on her.. is never at her desk bc she is always wondering around the building.. it’s depressing, disgusting… and defeating.. I feel alone in my job.. I use to have Makenzi, Patti and Ashley.. but two of the three work from home almost all the time now.. and the third? Suddenly seems very distant. So I also.. stay distant. Home? It good.. my kids are my everything and my husband is getting better at showing me he still cares.. even though he naps alot.. I think it’s truly bc his levels are off but he won’t ever go to the doctor to confirm. My family? I wish I lived closer to my sister so I could just show up with the kids to entertain hers when I need a mental break for a few. His family? TOXIC! His brother - toxic.. the gf.. toxic.. I finally am done with them.. I have asked her to make plans three separate times now in the last month and she completely blew me off yet did our plans with someone else.. and it hurts.. and I’m done. I try to be inclusive but I’m done. It’s a new year and I’m trying to focus on positive things and positive people.. I need to stop caring so much about feeling left out and being left out.. but the “sister in law” pisses me off. A lot of relationships have changed.. kriz is getting married.. I doubt I will be included and that’s okay.. I will however not talk to her again if that’s the case. She’s been in my life for 15 years.. yet I think that chapter has come to a close. Ashley D - close - or close to it.. just a lot of changes last year.. I don’t like change. So this is my post and I will try to make the next positive. I feel like I have to write it out so that I can get the toxic out and focus on the positive.
Mother’s Day.. a day I am so proud to be able to celebrate. My kids are my life.. I literally wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for them. However Mother’s Day use to be such a day of love.. we always picked my mom flowers and went out to brunch with the entire family. I remember one the last one before my grandmother died.. she had just gotten out of the hospital and she looked yellow to me.. and I just knew. I sat there soaking it all in ultimately knowing it would be her last one with us.. and it was. That next year we went to the same brunch place.. and “I’ll see you again” from Carrie underwood played randomly on the radio in the car and I remember just losing it. The years went on and the celebration was less and less.. it was sad to me. I love my husband but he doesn’t do anything for me.. this year.. his birthday was the day before. I went above and beyond to make him feel special.. got a sitter… went to dinner.. paid for dinner. I had been putting money aside bc I knew I wanted it to be special and it was so so expensive.. like hundreds of dollars for the night.. I never spend that.. ever. We have bills and live paycheck to paycheck.. so that was a struggle for me. And he did NOTHING! Didn’t go to church with me.. didn’t spend 50 cents on a card.. nothing. We spent the entire day with his family who I am not always accepted with.. I am feeling a lot of emotions. I feel unappreciated. It’s not about the gift.. it’s not about a fancy brunch.. it’s about appreciation which I never get. I never feel loved. I am sorry I had to vent before a lose myself
in search for part time work
its not as easy as it seems. everyone says “everyone is hiring” or people have the “go get a job” mentality but guess what? I am a mom.. i have a full time job and a two degrees and guess what? cost of living sucks and I am searching for a part time job to do at home while my kids sleep at night and I have applied and applied and applied and its crickets.. CRICKETS.. even with the roles “URGENTLY HIRING” .. I am trying my best and applying to everything and anything.. sending my resume out randomly and guess what? its impressive.. i am probably over qualified for some of the jobs I am applying for.. so why is no one responding? I am a hard worker -- I am just trying to make ends meet. Why is this so hard?
feelings
I have so many emotions - i feel suffocated. I work fulltime 40 hours a week and am overwhelmed with the cost of living that I am currently obsessed with applying for part time work.. remote work for the evenings that I can do while my kids sleep and all knowing that it likely will not happen. Its consuming me. I feel like I have to make more money but how? My husband says we don’t need it but he spends money that we do not have then I have to figure it all out and it makes me stressed and sick. prayers that I can find something from home in the evening.. I really need this boost.
Anyone have any options to share?
I’m suffocating. I can feel my chest tight, my stomach turning in flips and I am panicking. I am currently applying to part time work for evenings and I feel like I’m setting myself up for failure. Cost of everything is going up.. pay is going down.. we make good money! Why do I feel like I’m suffocating!! I need advice.. I need a plan.. I need to figure it out I know but if I don’t write down my thoughts I might explode.
I truly feel like if I didn’t have my kids I wouldn’t be here, they are the only things that keep me getting up every day.. even on my hardest days and I would never do anything to jeopardize them having a mother but Jesus I’m suffocating
My husband and I have two kids, he travels all the time for work. I am 1.5 hours away from my family and 10 minutes from his. We NEVER ask for help… no lie.. never.. we always get “tell us if you need anything” yet I just started a new job THIS WEEK. My daughter Likely has RSV… and neither set can help.. furious isn’t even the correct word but I can’t seem to find the right word. Like what the f***! We never ask.. what gives?
I feel like I’m suffocating. Suffocating at work, at home, in our marriage, as a mother.. all of it. My job is toxic and I need out. I cry all the time when no one is around, I feel so small and stressed out. I tell you.. my husband.. that something has to give.. you tell me to look for jobs.. so I do.. I even get a call for an interview.. now suddenly it’s not smart.. i shouldn’t be selfish looking for a job… what is selfish about a change? Selfish? Like how when I just had a brand new baby and you left for a role you wanted .. which made you go through an academy hours away.. I had just had a baby.. I had ppd terrible.. I was all alone adjusting .. You essentially missed her whole first year.. but I’m selfish bc I need a change. I always put you first.. your wants, your needs, the kids needs and wants.. literally every since time.. I don’t know what the next step is.. I’m drowning over here.. as my husband the support is missing, you are taking me for granted.. you don’t even see it
Vent.. I work my ass off at a job I legitimately despise. It’s stressful, it’s defeating, degrading etc. I do it bc it pays well and covers a majority of our family bills. I rarely spend extra money and when I do it’s never on myself.. which is fine. I would rather spend it on my kids. But when he spends money here and there for nothing.. NOTHING then had the audacity to make comments to me about how this marriage has ruined our finances.. what do I do? How do I feel? Am I stuck in a loveless marriage? Both sets of parents have been married for over 30 years so it’s not that we don’t have the roll-models. Does he even love me at all? I do it all! I cook, clean the house tirelessly, make sure laundry is done and put away, pay bills , grocery shop, homework, all of it.. he sits in TikTok.. if this isn’t meant to be then just leave right? Like tonight was a complete slap in the face.. my mind is racing and I want to cry.. is it PMS? Or is it just the reality..
Defeat- today it won. Today I felt worthless, helpless, failed myself completely. My child told me he hated his life - while in tears. That was only the start. How do you take that in, pick it apart and fix that emotion for your child? Why did he say it? Why is he feeling this way? What can I do better? I owe him better.. I owe him the best life I can… and until he said that.. that’s exactly what I thought I was doing. I was struck with fear.. emotion and the sudden urge to keep him close. We had a long talk and i drove him to school trying to keep him feeling safe. I called his teacher and spoke with her.. his counselor.. same.. both said it seemed like he was just having a bad day.. but I was numb.. struck still frozen with the fear I am making him feel like this. How do I move on? How do I fix this? Am I over reacting? Defeat ended my day today with a failed exam.. one I studied so hard for. one I thought I was truly prepare for. I feel anxious.. I feel sad. Sitting here sipping tea writing this I feel the tears well up. I am thankful for being alive today and the lessons but the struggle is almost to much to handle today.. I will hopefully wake up tomorrow to a good day. But until then I’m exhausted and feeling defeated.
Daily dose of love quotes here
Dear you, pay attention
If you love me tell me, grab my hand in public and tell me I'm beautiful. Be patient with me... With our son... With life. Don't raise your voice at me and roll your eyes because I'm entitled to my opinions too. Don't call me bad names, stop making me cry. Know that every time you cut me down it makes me hate you a little more and love you a little less, makes me question whether or not I need this every day or whether finally strong enough to walk away from you. Stay home some nights, put your phone down and talk to me... Make eye contact. Start acting like you love me still.... Or watch me walk away
Daily dose of love quotes here
