#ThisIsKindergarten

Because if I didn't keep a record of it, I wouldn't believe it myself... A kindergarten teacher just doing her best to make it through each day while still retaining her sanity. A job that will break your heart if you don't remember how much there is to laugh about.

[kteacher27]

Update: Square vs. Squirrel

Me: Okay, Student B, tell me again what shape this is.

Student B, with all the concentration in the world: Squuuuaaare!

Me: Good! And what is the little furry brown animal called?

Student B: Uhh....a triangle?

[kteacher27]

Okay...so...you're old.

Student I, after the superintendent shared he taught kindergarten in 1992.

[kteacher27]

Tuesday, March 13th: Shapes

Intervention Teacher: What shape is this?

Student B: A squirrel.

Intervention Teacher: WAIT what?

Student B: A squirrel.

Intervention teacher: Say square.

Student B: Squirrel.

Intervention teacher: No, squ-are.

Student B: Squ-irrel.

Intervention teacher: No. A squirrel is a little furry animal. This is a shape and it is called at square.

Student B: [shrugs]

[kteacher27]

“How to Get Anything You Want From Your Mom Instead of Taking From Your Mom”

-A persuasive piece by Student H

[kteacher27]

I'm never going to see my mommy agaaaainnnn!!!!!

sobbing Student A, whose mother is literally picking him up in five hours.

[kteacher27]

Breakfast Flashback, November 2017

Me, as pleasantly as possible: Student A, if you're so tired you should probably try to eat some breakfast before you go play because it can help your brain wake up.

Student A, crying immediately: Noooo, I'm not hungry, I don't want food!!

Me, taking his hand: Let's just go see what it is and decide if there is one thing you can eat.

*******walking to cafeteria, crying the whole way******

Student A, still crying: I just don't need food, I'm sad.

Me, to lunch lady: Excuse me, Student A is just wondering what is for breakfast today because he could use some food in his belly.

Lunch lady: Waffles today.

Me, overly and dramatically excited: See, Student A?! It's waffles!

Student A, immediately stops crying: GASP! I love waffles!

(bounces through the line with waffles in his hand)

[kteacher27]

California Grizzly Bear, December 2017

(Before school, I'm cutting out pages for a book on California symbols)

Student E: Gooooood morning teacher!

Me: Good morning, Student E!

Student E: Whatchu are doing?

Me: What am I doing? I'm making books.

Student E, looking at grizzly bear page: Oh teacher...dat's a niiiice bear!

Me, trying not to laugh: Uhh...thanks. But where are you supposed to be??

Student E, wiggling her fingers and wandering away: Byyyyyeeeeeee

[kteacher27]

Okay juice box, STAY THERE. Don't go anywhere, okay?

Student A to his juice box as he places it on the shelf.

[kteacher27]

Well, I just didn't see that coming!

Student A in the nurse’s office, after smashing foreheads with another student.

[kteacher27]

I'm too tired to play today. I think I just need to go home and get some rest.

Student A

[kteacher27]

F-word, November 30th

Multiple Students: TEACHER!! STUDENT A SAID THE F WORD!!

Me, skeptical: Really...? Are you sure!

Multiple Students: Yes! Yes!

Me: Come here, student A.

(Student A drags his feet across the playground to me)

Me: Did you say an unkind word to some of your friends?

Student A: Nope.

Me: Remember it is not good to tell lies. Did you say an unkind word?

Student A, sadly: Yes...

Me: What did you say to them.

Student A: I told that boy "Fart-so."

Me, trying not to laugh: Oh yes, that is an unkind word. That hurts people's feelings and makes their hearts sad. Never again.

Student A: I understand now.

[kteacher27]

Underwear, December 1st

Aide: Here, come talk to your teacher

(student A walks in slowly, holding a pair of Ninja Turtle underwear)

Me: UHHH. I don't know what happened, but my first question is, are you still wearing underwear???

Student A: Yes, yes I am.

Aide: He was running around the playground swinging these above his head.

Me: Where did they come from? Like, where did you get them??

Student A: Well, my mommy and daddy buyed them for me at the store....

Me, exasperatedly: No...like where did you find them today...were they in your backpack?

Student A: Nope.

Me: Well, where then?

Student A, matter-of-factly: In my pants.

Me: But YOU'RE SURE that you're still wearing underwear??

Student A, equally exasperatedly: YES.

Me: Okay, so then where in your pants exactly...like your pocket?

Student A: Mmmm, no. Like here (points to knee).

Me: Oh. Okay. Well. If that happens again, you should just go tell a grown-up and we can help you put them away. You shouldn't use them to scare your friends.

Student A: Oh! Okay. Can I go play now?

Me: After you put your underwear in your backpack, then yes.

Student A: They're not underwear, they are Ninja Turtle undies.

Me: *face palm* Okay bye.

[kteacher27]

Welcome Back, November 27th

Me: Hey buddy, welcome back! How was your break?

Student G: Hi! It was good. I got to see the new movie Coco!

Me: Oh yeah? Was it good? I haven't seen it yet.

Student G: Yeah! I saw it with my dad and we went to Subway!

Me: Wow what a fun day!

Student G: Yeah. Also, I stopped throwing up. *shrugs*

Me: Even better.

[kteacher27]

Overheard, November 27th

Student C, nonchalantly: Hey, [Student A], you had a good day today. You didn't have to miss any minutes of recess this time. Good job.

Student A, beaming but mildly confused: Well thanks!

[kteacher27]

YOU HAVE A GRANDPA?!?!

All 18 of them after I tell them it is my grandpa’s birthday

[kteacher27]

November 15th

Me: Did you throw Student F's jacket over the fence?

Student A: No...

Me: Remember it is important to tell the truth, you can get in more trouble for lying. Did you do it?

Student A: It was an accident!!!

Me: Buddy, jackets don't just accidentally get thrown over the fence.

Student A: Oh. Okay. (thinks about it for a minute) But I said I was sorry!!

Me: Well it is good that you apologized, but you shouldn't have done it in the first place. I'm not going to tell your mom what happened today, but you need to explain it to her.

Student A: *howls at the top of his lungs*

(approximately 2 hours later)

Me: Okay, Student A, let's go tell your mom what happened.

Student A: I'm just too tired.

Me: Well, that is allowed but you still have to tell her.

Mom, disappointed: What happened today?

Me: Tell her what happened at lunch today...

Student A: Uhhh.....I played. On the playground.....

[kteacher27]

Me: Can you use the counters to show 5 seals swimming in the ocean?

Student E: 1...ARRRR ARRRR...2...ARRR ARRR....3....ARRR ARRRR...4....ARRR ARRR....5...ARRR ARRRR!!

Me: Well. Thanks.

Student E: ...ARRR ARRR!!!!!