💭💬📝

[kuriosity-killed-the-katt]

[kuriosity-killed-the-katt]

I had spent the last few months convincing myself that I had finally moved on. I felt powerful. I felt like I finally had this ‘life’ thing under control.

Then your name came up…

Of all the lies I’ve ever told myself and tried so hard to believe, the idea of having moved on from you was the most far-fetched and ridiculous.

[lost-words-left-unspoken]

The tragic truth is that you don't even see how you mean the world to me.

[kuriosity-killed-the-katt]

Imagine someone actually wanting you as much as you want them….

I hate that I’m still hoping.

[missinyouiskillingme]

You aren’t just someone I loved back then. You were my best friend, my best self, and I can’t imagine giving that up again. You might not understand, but I gave you the best of me, and after you left, nothing was ever the same.

— Nicholas Sparks, The Best Of Me

[kuriosity-killed-the-katt]

365 days.

I still remember.

I still remember the pain. I still remember the tears. I still remember the pile of tissues across the floor. I still remember blowing my nose red raw. I still remember sobbing so hard that I couldn’t breath. I still remember crying so many tears, until I couldn’t cry anymore, and my eyes were so red and puffy they barely opened. I remember them still being red and puffy 12 hours later as I showered and went to work, trying to pretend that my world hadn’t just been completely devastated.

I still remember.

And now, 365 days later, I remembered all over again.

This time I cried a little less and shed only a single tear, because I had come to learn that you wouldn’t be crying over me. This time I went to work with my head a little higher, because I had come to learn that you wouldn’t even feel remotely reminiscent of what had been lost. This time it hurt a little less, because I had come to accept that regardless of how much I am hurting over missing you, you aren’t wasting your energy hurting over missing me.

And somehow, but actively trying to hurt less….. it only managed to hurt so much more.

Even 365 days later.

[rjmxrell]

“I will always choose you.”

—

[kuriosity-killed-the-katt]

It’s been a minute. Or two.

I’ve got so much on my mind. So much I want to say to you.

But for now, I’ll say this:

Today is the day I noticed that you’d unblocked me. 2 days ago you hadn’t, yet today you had. I don’t know when or why this occurred, but thank you. Thank you for beginning to stand by your word.

[writingsaboutaheartworm]

I hate how I don’t hate you.

Not even a little bit.

Not even at all.

[kuriosity-killed-the-katt]

New year.

New leaf.

New chapter.

New beginning.

At least, that’s what they tell us…

I hate myself that I’m still so stuck in the past. Stuck on you. Yet, I still can’t bring myself to hate you for hurting me. I’m the idiot who still loves you. And who would have you back in a heartbeat if you wanted it.

I spoke to you the other week. Just briefly. Then the other day I messaged to wish you a happy new year. You left me on read.

Now today, you message out of the blue. Two back and forths. Then you stop. Gone.

Why did you bother in the first place?

Was it to test me? I’m always going to reply to you, no test required.

Was it to make sure you still have a hold on me, whilst keeping me at arms length? You will always have my heart, without a doubt, there’s no need for your cruel games.

Was it to see if I was still alive? Not that you care anyway, but somedays I wish I wasn’t.

[perfectfeelings]

“I break my own heart by expecting people to be as attached to me as I am to them.”

—

[kuriosity-killed-the-katt]

I am my own worst enemy.

They tell you to grow up being kind to others, yet wearing your heart on your sleeve is another level and only ends in heartbreak and pain because you’re constantly taken advantage of when all you want is to be loved as much as you love others.

[kuriosity-killed-the-katt]

It still hurts. Every time I think about it, I feel sick. Like I want to throw up. But I can’t. I’m numb. I have so many thoughts, none of them positive. So instead, I just cry. Why is it that this can hurt me so much? Yet, you seem to be doing just fine. Moving on. Can you see how much this is hurting me? Or do you just not care…

[wishing-for-deathx]

“I don’t know if people like me ever find love. I think I’m just the kind of person who loves. I’m always the one who loves without being loved in return.”

— unrequited love is my destiny

[kuriosity-killed-the-katt]

70 days.

I asked, not knowing what the answer would be.

I asked, because I assumed that if there was something to tell, you’d have told me already.

I was wrong.

You got defensive. You got mean. You cut me out of your life. You did everything you said you wouldn’t do when we broke up, because you despised that that was how my ex had gone about things and hurt me so badly.

Then you turned out just like him.

The saddest part of it all? I still love you. I still care about you. I can’t even find it in me to be angry at you. Or hate. I’m just numb. I feel sick. I haven’t eaten. I’m so confused. So.. Hurt.

All because I asked about your new girl. That you’ve been seeing for weeks. When two days ago you were still flirting with me.

Then when I asked, you blocked me, mid-conversation. Because you thought it was “for the best for now”. Since when do you get to decide what’s best for me. Why do you get to keep deciding that all these things are the best way to go, but all they do is hurt me. More and more.

A part of me wants to end my pain. I’ve never loved so hard. I’ve never hurt so deeply. I’ve always been honest with you about how I feel, especially about you. And you always said you’d be honest with me. Until it came to crunch time. Then it was just lies. And secrets. You turned out to be everything you said you’d never be. Just another toxic man. Yet I still love you endlessly. Why?

Another part of me wishes she’ll screw your over. You left me to work on yourself. Or, at least, that’s what you told me. You said you had no interest in starting another relationship. So why couldn’t you just tell me from the start what the problem was with me? Why is honesty so hard? Now you’ve just gone and hurt me all over again when you could have just broken my heart good and proper right from the get go. Part of me hopes she’ll sleep around on you like your ex’s did. Just because she’s closer, doesn’t mean she’s loyal. That’s been proven to you in the past. I was a distance relationship. But always loyal. I always made time for you. I was always there when you needed me, as quickly as I could be, regardless of time and place. I tried so hard to be what you needed.

And another part of me hopes you’re happy. Because I love you. And if you’re happy, that’s all that matters. And you deserve happiness and only the best.

Love you, always.

[perfectquote]

“One day, whether you are 14, 28 or 65, you will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that cannot die. However, the saddest, most awful truth you will ever come to find - is they are not always with whom we spend our lives.”

— Beau Taplin, Hunting Season

[kuriosity-killed-the-katt]

The internet wins tonight. Every emotion drowning me for the past 46 days is summarised here 🖤

[kuriosity-killed-the-katt]

46 days.

Is it supposed to get easier?

Is it supposed to hurt less?

It still hurts as much as it did that day. I still can’t talk about it, or even think about it without being reduced to tears. I can’t refer to you as my ex. And as the days go on, I still miss you more and more.

But what hurts the most, is the feeling of distance, despite talking every day. The feeling that I’m annoying you. The feeling you’d rather move on.

What hurts the most, is hurting and longing for someone who seems to forget you exist half the time 💔

[ilvitamatt]