Weddings Are Just Funerals With Cake
(warnings: transphobia, almost an anti-gay slur, swearing and mentions of hailing satan)
Patton was getting married today.
This was his wedding. There were beautiful decorations in almost every room of the mansion. Everyone was in a busied rush. People gave him congratulations and were so happy for him. So why wasn’t he happy?
Simple.
Cause not only this was a forced marriage by his parents, he was transgender.
Here he was, staring at the person in the mirror. The person he so desperately tried to leave behind. There was no Patton here. Not in his damned parent’s mansion. No, there was only Patricia. And Patricia was staring back at him. His nightmare with pigtail extensions, heavy makeup and a white poofy gown was staring at him.
His stupid mother had dressed him herself. She kept commenting how he was “a beautiful bride” and how “this was always her happiest dream”.
“I do wish you didn’t get rid of your breasts Patricia. The dress is slipping down.” She said.
“Good. And its Patton.”
“Shush with that trans crap. You were born a woman and so you shall act like one. No more of this nonsense. Now at least pretend you’re at a wedding and not a funeral.”
Patton frowned at his mother. He didn’t like being “rebellious” but he was starting to feel like a brat. He constantly pulled his extensions out. He purposely smudged his makeup. Heck he let the dress fall. However it was no use. His mother put the fake hair back in. The makeup lady came back to reapply the goop. His cousin pushed the dress back in place. Patton refused to cry. He would be strong during this hell. However his lower lip started to tremble.
“You look gorgeous dear. Please just do this for us. The man you’re marrying is a smart and wealthy one. He’ll treat you right.” His mother tried to soothe.
Patton frowned once more.
“He’s not Logan.”
His mother sighed and tried once more. She smiled once more and started getting herself ready.
“I know he looks intimidating, but he had dinner with us a week ago. He’s really a sweetheart.”
“He isn’t Virgil.”
Now his mother was frowning. However once more she plastered that stupid fake grin on her face.
“Have you heard him sing? He sounds like an angel Patricia!”
“Roman sings better.”
Before his mother could snap at him someone knocked on the door.
“Are you ready? The wedding is in five!” someone said.
“Yes!” Patton’s mother said.
Patton felt his heart beat faster. Nervous sweat was definitely dripping from places. His mother grabbed his wrist and dragged him along. Soon they were at the massive ballroom where his parents used to throw parties when he lived here. The massive dark wood doors were closed. He could hear the 500 people chattering on the inside. On the outside was Patton’s dad.
“You look gorgeous Patricia.” He said with a fond grin.
Patton glared at him.
“I may be a girl in your eyes today, but im Patton. Im a man.”
“Shush the wedding is starting.”
The wedding march began to play and two butlers opened the massive wooden doors. Patton’s father linked arms with him and began to walk him down the long red carpet aisle. Patton felt wobbly in the white stilettos his mom made him wear. As picture lights flashed Patton wobbled, fell, wobbled, tripped and fell again. Everyone was laughing at him. It hurt so much.
His father let him go to stand before his “groom”. The man looked just as uncomfortable as Patton was. Patton pitied him and tuned out the priest’s speech. Instead Patton looked around the room. On his side of the room, all of his family and family friends were there. His many cousins, his aunts and uncles, grandma, his grandfathers, heck even his neighbors were there. They all were smiling. They had proud tears in their eyes like Patton had just got out of drug rehab or something. It made him very uneasy.
“Now for the vows. Do you, Edward Olekson, take Patricia Sanders, as your lawfully wedded wife?”
Please.
“To have and to hold, in sickness and in health?”
Someone stop this!
“To love forever, until death do you part?”
“I do sir.”
The priest turned, smiling to Patton.
“And do you Patricia Sanders, take Edward Olekson, to be your lawfully wedded husband?”
I don’t want this!
“To have and to hold, through sickness and in health?”
Help me!
“To obey, to serve, and to laugh with for the rest of your days?”
No!
“To love forever until death do you part?”
“I-“
BAM!
The big dark wood doors burst open. When Patton turned his head, tears fell down his face immediately.
There they were. Logan, Roman and Virgil were here! And whats more, they were dressed in wedding gowns! They had extensions in their hair! They had heavy makeup on! And they looked pissed!
“Scuse me! Gay guys coming through!” Roman called.
Roman easily power walked through the aisle. However, Virgil had Logan holding on to him cause poor Logan couldn’t walk in heels. Wait, they all were in heels?! Patton started laughing and crying in relief.
“Who are you?!” Patton’s father demanded.
“Just some gays trying to get our man back.” Logan said.
“Yeah it was fucked up what you did to your son y’know. Forcing him to be married like this.” Virgil said while examining his nails.
Roman grinned and took Patton’s hands.
“Sorry we’re late for your wedding my love. Are you ready to leave a bit early?”
Patton nodded and started sobbing. Roman pulled Patton in the best hug he’s ever had in his life.
“Get away from my daughter you fa-“
Patton didn’t want to be here anymore.
“Let’s go loves!”
Patton’s boyfriends grinned, ignoring the words from everyone else in the room. They were about to leave when Patton’s father grabbed him. However Logan acted quickly. He took off one of his heels and threw it at the pissed off man. While that was a distraction, Logan kicked off his other heel and picked Patton up. With a whoop from Roman the boys ran down the red carpet aisle. While he was laughing, Patton heard Virgil yell.
“Hail satan! Hail satan!”
Outside was Logan’s car. Roman quickly got in the passenger seat while Logan deposited Patton in the back seat. Within a few seconds Virgil jumped into the other seat in the back and shut the door.
“Drive man drive!”
Logan pressed hard on the gas and the car sped off. As the lovers left, Patton turned his head to see a crowd of people pouring out of the mansion. A grin made it’s way to Patton’s face once again. He kept looking until he felt something slip out of his hair. He turned to see Virgil was pulling his veil and extensions out.
“Not to be rude or anything, but everything looks tacky.” He said as he got some makeup wipes out of a bag on the floor.
Patton laughed and looked at the men in the front of the car. Roman looked back at him with a wide grin in return.
“Thank you guys f-“
“Don’t. It would be insane if we didn’t come for you Patton.” Logan said, looking at Patton from the mirror.
“This is what Prince Charmings do for other Prince Charmings!” Roman added.
“Pat we’d never leave you to those fuckers. We love you too much.” Virgil said as he wiped the drugstore makeup off of Patton.
Patton giggled once more. He felt like he could cry, but there were no more tears left. Good. Patton didn’t like crying. Logan stopped by some fast food place and ordered everyone food and milkshakes. The look on the employee who gave them their things was priceless.
“Wait wait can we take a picture of y’all?” A woman employee asked.
“Of course!” Patton and Roman replied.
So after a few ridiculous posed pictures, they made their way back on the road. Patton sipped his milkshake happily and rested his head on Virgil’s bare shoulder.
“Why are you guys wearing dresses and stuff by the way?” Patton asked.
“It was to show those fiends a thing or two!” Roman said before sipping his own milkshake.
“We figured you would be comfortable if we were dressed like you. Y’know..four men in wedding shit.” Virgil added as he stroked Patton’s head.
“It also was to make you laugh Patton. After something horrible like that you deserve to laugh. It’s one of the best things about you after all.” Logan concluded.
Patton smiled and nuzzled Virgil.
“You guys are the best. You guys are the most amazing boyfriends in the world.”
So Patton wasn’t a “bride” that day. He was a boyfriend to people who loved him the most. And that was the only thing that made Patton happy on his “wedding day”.
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