i have an ask in my inbox atm that i really wanna write, and TRUST i will be getting to it, i hope you know, but ouhh i haven't got the slightest bit of motivation rn 😭🙏 its like my period came and stole every ounce of will to do anything
this is accurate representation of me bedrotting the past two days and having no motivation in life btw. vai de mine sāracul
cw: as stated above, this story is heavily centred around the hanahaki disease, and all it's symptoms alike, so there will be blood in this story—please don't read if it makes you uncomfortable ❤️🩹 plus brief mentions of you being a lady in waiting, but for the most part i dont remember using pronouns (correct me if im mistaken!)
wc:3,452
“im yours for hours, you're always mine.”
its been a couple months now working under lord jinshi, something many women would envy to be in your place. but life was mundane working under such circumstances. the place was usually quiet, but you weren't alone—lady suiren had worked here for much longer than you had.
it was nice to work alongside another woman, having time to chat with her, and her actually understanding you. and its not like gaoshun was unreliable. he was just.. different, being a man, and all. but is was nice in the outer district, even if you weren't working alongside many other ladies in waiting. you grew to prefer it this way.
but things slowly started to change once you found yourself accompanying high eunuchs jinshi and gaoshun to the jade pavilion. you've never served one of the concubines personally, but it wasn't much different from your usual work. to serve, was your job. but you didn't have the same job as the other two men. which confused you as to why you'd been brought along.
was your work needed elsewhere? the idea slightly scared you, personally because.. you liked your current position. you would never dare to admit it out loud, not even to lady suiren. but, you enjoyed lord jinshi's presence more than anything. you felt guilty in all honesty, since you knew it wasn't your place to catch feelings. but.. you couldn't exactly help it.
the months that have passed have almost turned into a full year since you've been by his side, and since then, your feeble feelings only grew bit by bit. initially, you thought nothing of it, brushing it off as a sign of admiration. but you weren't that foolish. you knew all too well. after all, it wasn't uncommon for women like you to fall for a beautiful man such as himself.
you've heard the rumours, the passing whispers spoken about this man. how he's perceived by others, and how high many of the other ladies in waiting hold him to such high regards. and maybe thats when the ache in your heart began.. when you truly noticed just how well he treats everyone. it seems second nature to him. and yet, whenever you watch, you cant help but feel shame.
because deep down, you wished all his flattery, gentle touches, and sweet remarks would be directed at you. even if it were for only a second—even if.. it were a lie. but that wasn't your place to decide, and you've told yourself over and over. you worked for him, and nothing more.
but once you arrived at the jade pavilion, posture straight as ever, your eyes caught onto a girl not far from you—she seemed to be around your age. her green hair matched the clothes she wore, complementing her top, while her skirt tied things together. but after inspecting her, and letting your eyes wander, you found them catching sight of jinshi staring at her.
this made your eyebrows slightly raise, your breathing going still for only a moment. you stared once more at the girl, learning her name to be “maomao.” such a cute name for a girl like her. and it seemed like the other ladies in the crystal palace also adored her, she seemed to be well loved.
but after a couple of minutes passing, questioning yourself as to why you were even here, your eyes couldn't help but look at the man your heart grew attached to. and it only wavered seeing the sight of him interacting with the newly acquainted girl. it made you question many things, but before you could think about it much longer, maomao made her way to you, using you as some sort of shield to get jinshi away from her.
it had seemed like he was consorting with her about who knows what, and the giggles from the other ladies only made your heartbeat quicken even more. had lord jinshi ever looked at you the way he just did towards maomao? had he even looked at her in some specific way, or were you just over complicating things? why were you even questioning this from the start?
so many questions and thoughts roamed your head, giving you little time to react to your surroundings. it was only when gaoshun spoke your name, did you finally snap out of it.
“are you doing all right?” his steady hand on your shoulder grounded you, making you look towards him, before realising the others were staring.
“pardon?” you uttered, blinking a few times as you took a deep breath.
“you seemed like you were lost in thought,” jinshi's voice spoke out, his hand holding his chin as his head slightly tilted.
“oh, i..” but that was all you mustered up before coming up with an excuse. “i must not be used to being surrounded by so many people– excuse me, for i think i'll take a quick breather outside.” and as you sought yourself out, you rose a hand to your mouth as you began letting out dry coughs.
you were outside of the building, when the coughing persisted, making your chest hurt with the sudden force. but once you looked down into your hand, feeling something, your eyes caught the sight of small flower petals. they looked to be.. purple lilacs? a beautiful flower, but you coughing them up made your heartbeat quicken. ..what was happening?
fearful, you cough a few more times just to see. but, when no petals came up, your brows slightly furrowed. glancing down at the ones in your hand, nothing could have prepared you for what was to come. nothing could have warned you for what you were about to experience and go through.
and yet, here you were, discarding lilac petals once more, over and over. it must’ve been a couple of months that passed since your first encounter, ever since you met maomao. and ever since a couple of months ago, when you learned the secret glances jinshi gave towards a certain someone.
at first, you denied all knowledge of it, pushing it aside, and stating it was none of your business. what matter did you have in saying who jinshi spoke to and looked at? none, so thats exactly what you did, nothing. but.. when you began to frequent the jade pavilion more and more over the past few months, your chest couldn't help but swell at new emotions and findings.
it wasn't a secret, and definitely not towards lady gyokuyou's ladies in waiting. they would all chuckle amongst one another whenever lord jinshi sought out the apothecary, always whispering to each other how cute it was that maomao hadn't “noticed.” and when you heard them say this, you couldn't help but intervene, turning towards them as you spoke up.
“what do you mean by that? notice what?”
“oh, just how fond high eunuch is of lady maomao! cant you see?” yinghua questioned, her eyes finding the two of them once more from around the corner.
jinshi, being fond of maomao? since when? thats all you asked yourself while the others kept staring, giggling as they spoke about how cute maomao was.
and suddenly, your body went cold, breath catching in your throat when you felt the prickly thorns encasing your lungs give it a tight squeeze. you brought a hand up to your mouth, silently leaving the others as you rushed off to who knows where.
and when you looked up to see where your feet led you to, you found yourself standing before the quack doctor—name given to guen by maomao's courtesy. you found yourself visiting him more when you couldn't go see lady suiren, who was still located back in the outer court in jinshi's estate.
“my! what brings you here in such a rush?” the older man questioned, his face full of concern as you barely managed out a response.
“could you get me some of that tea from last time?” you asked, speaking through your hand. and without so much of missing a beat, the doctor was rushing off to the back in preparation for your tea. as soon as he was out of sight, you let the flowers spill from your mouth, rushing to dump them out—when you saw blood staining the petals.
terror struck you, pupils dilating as you felt your hands shaking with the horrific sight presented before you. you couldn't believe what you were seeing—too afraid to admit and accept that your condition has gotten to this point. and as you were struck with fear all throughout your body and mind, you failed to realise that the doctor returned, until you heard the sound of ceramics hitting the floor, shattering upon impact.
“wh—whats.. what's happening–!” he let out, startling both of you as you turned to look at him. you couldn't respond, though, with your throat feeling coarse all throughout.
the sight of blood and flowers spilling from your mouth must've stricken fear through his mind, causing some sort of flight reaction, because before you could try and stop him by reaching out, he rushed out of the medical office, darting to wherever you weren't around. the reaction stung, but not as much as what you were feeling in your lungs.
and as you coughed up some more, you couldn't help the hand that clutched the fabric near your chest—your lungs aching as you tried taking jagged breaths. and as you tried regaining your composure, choking up almost full lilacs at this point, you heard the sound of rushing footsteps making their way towards you.
but as you tried standing up, getting a grip of your surroundings, you felt yourself losing conscious, and collapsing to the ground as you tried covering your mouth before the fatigue caught up to you. what a gruesome illness this was, so cruel, and so forceful.. yet so beautiful at the same time.
to die forcefully from the inside out, while coughing up beautifully bloomed flowers, only to then be tainted with your own blood. stripping your ability to speak, and even breathing, now, up until this point.
and the next time you awoke, eyes squinting at the setting sun's rays that peeked through the windows, you recognised where you were. you’d been brought back to the estate, back to your room where you laid in bed.
slowly going to sit up, you're forced to let out a few more coughs, almost gagging at the sheer size of the lilacs now that you're choking up. you shook at the feeling and sight, but snapped out of your stricken state when a set of knocks were heard on your door.
“[name]?” but after hearing the voice that spoke your name, a chill ran down your spine, making you shiver at the thought of the person. “youre awake, yes? i'm going to open the door–” and as jinshi slowly uttered those words, you saw the bedroom doors open, revealing him as he emerged into your room.
“y–you.. shouldn't come in here,” you whispered through your hoarse voice. “im sick, and i wouldn't want to give it to you..’
“nonsense..” he mumbled, shaking his head as his face was adorned with a worrying expression. he dismissed your worries, proceeding into the room without a single doubt.
you chose not to speak, too afraid to engage in any sort of conversation in your current state.. too afraid you'll say something you'll regret later on. it was only when lady suiren and maomao entered your room, did you feel relief wash over you. only a little, though.
“[name], how are you feeling?” maomao questioned immediately upon arrival, making her way to your side as suiren followed not too far behind.
“im okay,” you muttered, eyes looking anywhere but at the people in your room. it was a lie though, and the others surely knew it. it was uncommon to just randomly find someone choking up bloodied flowers as if it were nothing. and you didn't want to tell them how difficult it was to breathe at the moment. so, instead, you kept conversation to a minimal, focusing on your breathing more than anything else.
“do you know the cause of this? just what sickness is this?” you heard jinshi ask, it was directed towards maomao, but you were sure you had a rough understanding yourself.
“..i remember hearing about it from my father briefly when i was younger. its supposedly called hanahaki, a disease where patients afflicted by its grasps show symptoms of coughing up flowers until the point of death..”
“death?!” jinshi and lady suiren exclaimed, their eyes going wide while waiting for maomao to say something, anything.
“yes, till they die of suffocation.. but,” maomao stopped, her eyes finding yours, as if trying to uncover something with her next words. “the disease can be cured. it originally stems from a deep root of feelings—most of the time—romantic feelings, towards a specific someone. if those feelings are returned, then the disease is cured.”
this entire conversation felt like a humiliation ritual. to be read like a book, and stated that you'd die due to your feelings. it felt as if shame were taunting you, and in front of the man your heart yearned for, nonetheless.
“which is why i needed to speak with you,” maomao continued, catching your attention as you stared at her. “who is it that causes these flowers to bloom?”
“no.. i—i can't say…” you resist, shaking your head as tears threaten your eyes.
“why? are they someone out of reach? you know that isn't a problem..” the irony for jinshi of all people to be saying this to you. it made you almost want to laugh, but you couldn't.
“say that you love me, say that i'm all you need…”
“no, that's not the issue..”
“then what is? who? who is it?”
“you should probably give her some space..” lady suiren suddenly interjected, jinshi becoming confused at this. it was only when gaoshun came to his side, did he take the hint to leave.
“you know.. there is one other way to cure all this,” maomao softly spoke, shaking her head at the mere thought. “..theres.. a medicine i can make, one that can cure you. but.. ..but you will lose all the feelings you hold for this person.”
“can i be honest for a second..?” you mumbled, tears beginning to fall from your eyes at the thought of spilling the truth. but suiren seemed to understand. she understood you all too well after all this time.
“its him, isn't it?” the older lady spoke, a solemn look on her face.
“him? whose that?”
but the older lady didn't answer that, it was your part to tell her this information.
“i think.. if i had to choose between those three options, i'd much rather go the coward route, and let the flowers consume me..”
“but why? who is it?” maomao persisted, worry lacing her tone after hearing you say you'd rather die than experience the other options.
“you know, maomao,” you croak out, feeling the vines that encased your lungs squeeze them to the point of giving you a headache. the room felt like it was spinning. “even the ladies in waiting under concubine gyokuyou managed to realise it.. jinshi's admiration for you.. its admirable, really—”
“is that really important right now?” the younger girl spoke out, a frown evident on her lips as she looked at you with waiting hesitation.
“i would say so, yes.” you smiled, before your chest suddenly stopped moving.
“[name]?.. [name]! hey, wake up! y–you haven't finished telling me what you were going to say..!”
with the panicked calling of your name, the two men from before came rushing into the room, laying eyes on the sight of full blossomed lilacs sprouting from your mouth—vines and leaves alike accompanying them.
“no—it cant be..” jinshi uttered out, refusing to believe the sight of you before him.
“is she..” gaoshun tried speaking, but his voice betrayed him before he could say much.
“t–the.. the medicine.. i have to make the medicine—” maomao managed out, her voice shaking a little at the sight of how fast the flowers were sprouting.
“there's a medicine?!” the sound of jinshi's voice raising could be heard, frantic to find a cure for this curse.
“but is it what she would have wanted?” lady suiren intervened, placing a hand on maomao's to try and stabilise her.
“perhaps not.. but im too selfish to not save someone i can.. i dont want her life to end like this, not when she has so much to live for. i may not have known her for long, but i feel like i understand her enough to want this.”
“then the person she loved was lord jinshi.” suiren quickly whispered into the younger girls ear, just quiet enough for the man to not hear. and upon hearing this, maomao tensed up, her head turning towards the man in question instantly.
“what? what is it? do you not have the ingredients for the medicine?” fear stricken, he questioned immediately.
“no– its not that, its just that.. the one she loves, is you…” a deafening silence befell the room within seconds, everyone catching their breaths at maomao's sudden newfound intervention.
the man couldn't help but stand there helplessly, staring at you, and only you. he made attempts to get closer, and the others took this as a sign to leave you both be.
and once the three left, jinshi wasted no time in getting to your side, his hand wrapping around your own as he brought it up to his face. and the moment it touched his cheek, the coldness of your skin on his made his eyes water, spilling without a second thought.
“i know i may be cynical at times, and i find it difficult for others to truly perceive me in such a high light. but if its true, ..i want to hear you say you love me. im a selfish man, and i wouldn't be the one i am today if it weren't for you. for the past yearr, you've changed my perspective on so much. so much so, that when i met maomao, i thought it'd be nice for the two of you to meet..”
taking a deep breath, he let his hair fall to the side of his face as he cradled your cold hand.
“i thought that if i had someone similar to you help me express my emotions and feelings, then it would be easier for me when i meant to say and express it all to you. how foolish of me, though.. to cause you so much pain without realising it—i truly am selfish, aren't i? but i still love you, more than anything, i love you. so please, say you won't forget me..”
and through tear–filled eyes, he saw the flowers that surrounded you, slowly fade away—the coldness of your hands also regaining their warmth after his confession.
as you slowly began opening your eyes, your chest rising once more, jinshi crashed his arms into you, wrapping them to hold you, and to never let go.
and when your breath caught in your throat this time, it wasn't due to flowers suffocating you, it was because you were awoken to a sight you never deemed imaginable.
“but.. how?–” you softly questioned, arms coming up to the man that held you in his arms.
“did you think i'd never love you back?” jinshi questioned as he slightly pulled away—just enough to come face to face with you, his brows furrowing in disapproval. “well, i do,” he stated, his lips kissing your own.
“i love you.” he spoke, kissing you again.
“i.. i thought i'd be someone temporary to you—”
“never.” he shut the idea down before it could fester.
and then, he kissed you again. and again, and.. again. so gentle, yet impactful at the same time. as if they were words of their own, grounding your once restless mind.
“so say it.. say it from your own lips. i want nothing more than to hear you say you love me, too.”
upon hearing his words of reclamation—face relaxing in the process, a small smile made its way to your lips—your arms wrapping around his shoulders as you spoke.
“i love you.”
and when the man kissed you one last time, much longer than all the other times, you got to finally realise one important thing—something that made you smile into the kiss as your mind wandered.
to be loved, is to be seen. and from this day forward, those words will forever be ingrained into your memory like a reliquary.
omg i really hope there are no typos because this is the third time i rewrote this damn plot. as much as i love and adore the hanahaki trope, i cant write it to save my life..
anyway, i hope to all who read enjoy! all notes are appreciated 🥹🫶
also sienna my heart belongs to you for creating such a masterpiece of a song 🙏
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