caring
i don’t know why i’m typing this, i mean i am writing here because it won’t reach people but i mean it will. i don’t want it to reach certain people but i need something to get through. it fails to make sense but all my thoughts are jumbling right now and i’m waiting for night time to pass on minecraft and i couldn’t help but notice one of my best friends post on instagram where she talked. like just a blank picture and just let herself talk and the theme of her page is just that but when i read it i just don’t know how to deal. she talked about how she’s slipping again and how she can’t seem to find it in her to care about others feelings and she knows she should but she can’t. now i’m rambling because i would do anything for her i would move every mountain and rock and every single grain of sand if she even just asked because i’m so whole heartedly in love with her i lose sense. we fought today, over a washer and dryer, and she just went so cold and i felt myself dipping down bc i wish she could see it. i wish i could show her how i cared for her and devote myself to her, to see herself the way i do. i wish i could take away her depression she’s slipping into and place it with my care so she could see fully what it feels like to care. she talks about how she wants so bad to be able to love fully and care fully and it hurts the fuck out of me because that’s what i do with her. i want her to experience it, even if it’s not with me. everyone deserves a chance to fall in love, even if it’s the most fucking heartbreaking thing. i wish she could understand why what she says affects me the way it does, why i can’t ever hold her accountable or why i’m so sad. it fuxking sucks. to see someone you love with your entire being not be able to share that same care for you, or even at a capticity. i know she cares for me somewhat, but i know i’m not a permanent fixture. it’s wild how someone could be the whole center of life, and when she talks about love you can’t help finding yourself understanding because that’s what she is for you, but to her you’re just..... you’re just a roomate. someone that if you weren’t living with her she wouldn’t pay you time of day. someone who gets reminded daily how fucking stupid it is to be in love with your best friend who could never love you back. it fucking sucks. i compare every girl to her, every aspect of my life to her. she’s the biggest fucking asshole i’ll ever meet, but i can’t control how i feel. it’s almost funny, you have this body you have to feed and hydrate and take care of and it repays you by breaking your fucking soul. i don’t even care if she loves me, i just wish she could care about me. i wish i was worth losing to her. i wish she’d want me to stay.
don’t worry this is the end of my depressing rant and i hope it wasn’t annoying i’m sorry i just didn’t know where to ramble and i choose this platform because i haven’t been on in years oof.
