Pairing: Spencer Reid x Ex!Reader
Summary: he just wants to see your eyes, one time at least.
Warnings: angst, spencer is your ex and you get into his car. Minor argument ?? Car talk, cursing. Idk not much just sad angst not proofread because i hate my ex
A/N: yall I broke no contact and realized i actually cant stand him and actually don't want him back but i needed to finish this fic so 😭😭
8 months, 2 weeks and 2 days. That's how long it's been without his scent on your pillows. That's how long it's been without the nightly drives after cases or without the cute dates to art museums and cafes. 8 months, 2 weeks and 2 days without seeing those sparkles in his eyes when he looked at you, without feeling his fingers slip under your shirt when you two hugged. Or the way he would admire your whole face before you two kissed.
It's been almost a year, get over it but you can't. You can't especially when you see him everyday. Sitting at his desk, sitting across the round table, sitting in the jet seats, it's like he's this stigma in your life, a blemish that took one year to develop and 2 years to go away. The sound of his voice makes your brain feel like there's a paperclip going through your brain but somehow the paperclip plays beautifully against your heartstrings.
A case came in; Santa Monica, California. All women, between the ages of 28 all the way up to 50. The teeth were painted black and their joints were shattered with what appears to be a hammer based on the marks and the impact site. They were all bumped on the sidewalk by busy intersections. It's no surprise they were found right away, almost right after the body was dumped. They were all found positioned almost like a doll who was thrown on a child's floor would be positioned. No clear pose, no set up, just thrown on the sidewalk facing up.
8 months, 3 weeks, and 2 days.
But it's been 4 months, 2 weeks and 5 days since you've last looked at him. That first month you took time off for "personal reasons", that second month you spent trying to rebuild any sense of friendship that could've been there after. The third month was spent trying to return back to normalcy, then the fourth month was spent crying after finding out just how quick Spencer moved on. Finding out just how much you truly meant to him and just how willing he was to lie to you to save his ass.
"The black teeth may symbolize an insecurity he has about himself, maybe teeth deformity or bad breathe he cant control that make people repulsed by him. Back in the Renaissance century, black teeth were actually the beauty standard. It was a symbol of wealth because only the wealth could afford sugar that rot your teeth. It was also used in ancient China, a practice called ohaguro, it was used to mark adulthood and social status" Spencer Reid rattles off as he looks at the crime scene photos, the rest of the team putting their attention on him while you stare down at the case files. There's been this shadow over the team and is especially felt by you as well as Spencer.
Spencer isn't dumb, I mean sure he acted royally stupid and selfish at the end but he isn't dumb enough to not understand what's going on between you two. He noticed your fake smiles, the laughs you would force and he noticed when you stopped showing him your eyes. When you stopped looking at him when he talked to you, how you give him short answers, how you would look at everyone else in group conversations besides him. Your eyes either looked straight past him or not at him at all.
Maybe it was your way of taking back some control you lost when he ruined everything. Some way to feel like you won. You won by not giving him the attention he feel like he should receive. The attention you gave him when you would text him late into the night days after he gave up on you. Hoping, holding out a desperate helpless hope that maybe there would be a second chance before it was all set in stone. "It ended for a reason" is what he said. That reason seemed stupid in your opinion but, that's the way things go you suppose.
The unsub was easier to catch than you thought. He became messy quick, he was devolving rapidly and that eventually led to his downfall. After a very chaotic chase and arrest, you were finally on the jet back home. Your chest has been so heavy, your heart felt so heavy, your head felt heavy, everything felt heavy and so so much for you to handle. You sat away from the team, quiet with your headphones in and just watched as the clouds scrolled past the windows. You watched all the towns and large farm land pass by way beneath you, part of you wishing you were down there.
Maybe they were having a better time than you, maybe they were living a good life and had someone who loved them just as much as they loved them. A pair of eyes were on you. Spencers. You wondered what he saw now, 8 months later. If he still saw the pretty girl he once held close. If he saw all the sweet memories you both had together. Or the cute animals he would compare you to. He still said you were the prettiest girl he ever saw even when he was breaking your heart. Perhaps he thought that would lessen the blow, pepper you with sweet words while shoving your wounds in salt.
There was still about 2 hours left on the flight. What good is it to just watch repetitive scenery and feel so sorry about yourself. Deciding sleep is more productive than feeding into the void in your chest, you lean back in the jet sheet and close your eyes. You feel tears behind your closed eyes. Maybe it'll be different after some shut eye.
You were walking into the elevator, your jacket slung over your arm and your bookbag is about one step away from just falling off your shoulder. That one hour of restless sleep and overwhelming thoughts only succeeded in making you feel worse. It was evident on your face even. You pressed the button to the lobby, sighing. You're so ready to be home, get into bed, maybe after drinking your nostalgia away and just sleeping til you can't remember his name. That was until a hand stopped the doors from closing. Fuck. Spencer walked in, frazzled and fixing his coat. You look down at the elevator floor when he walks in. You check your phone to give yourself a distraction, low battery. Shit, you knew you should've charged it on the jet or at your desk while filing paperwork.
"So.." he speaks up, the break in the silence is sharp and makes your ear cringe. "Are you heading straight home ?" The question came out forced and awkward. You could tell he was reaching for an actual conversation, not just short small talk.
"Yea" is all you respond with. Quick, uninterested and cold.
"it's late and cold outside" he says, almost choking on the tension that builds the more he speaks. He turns to you, your eyes stay forward, on the elevator doors, on the floor counting down, on the glowing "L" button, just anything that isn't his face. "Let me take you home, it's late and I really don't want you walking alone.." he offers, kinda quickly almost as if it was word vomit.
"I'm fine" you shut down the idea of being alone in a car with your ex immediately, or at least try to. Spencer has always been the persistent type.
"Please, you could get hurt. I really don't want anything to happen to you." He insists. One thing good a long term is that you begin to know each other inside and out. One bad thing about a long term relationship, you know each other better than you know yourselves. You know exactly how to make each other bend to your will, exactly how to pull at the heart, exactly how to stab each other right where it hurts and just the right way to twist the knife to make it last.
Which is exactly why you're now sitting in his passenger seat, arms crossed, shoulder tensed, your eyes glued to your legs and your bag that's sitting on the car floor. The car is silent and Spencer has been stealing glances at you. The only thing you've been focusing on is the flashes from the passing street lights and all the road signs whizzing by.
"you won't even look at me." Spencer finally mutters, like it was subconscious almost. Like he didn't realize he said it out loud.
Your heart clenches and you feel a lump in your throat. There's a long silence, almost as if his words put a pause in the air. "That shouldn't bother you" you try to keep your words cold and unbothered even though you feel sick. You keep your eyes away and the back of your head in full view of him.
"but it does." He admits, the car stops at the red light. "I thought we were still friends." His voice is sad, like a sad puppy whimpering.
"I thought you still cared about me" your composure is failing, and your responses are getting quicker. To Spencer, It sounds like you've been preparing for this moment, just waiting for the right time to shove everything Spencer did wrong right back in his face.
"I do" he grips the steering wheel, stepping on the gas when the light turns green.
"No you don't." You're detached and exhausted when you finally speak the words that have been on your mind for four months. "You stopped caring about me a long time ago"
"You know that's not true" Spencer is becoming frustrated. He knows what he did was wrong, it was selfish and it was the worst way he could've gone about it. You're silent after. Staring out the window, you're exhausted. You're exhausted of him. Exhausted of being around him all the time, exhausted of hearing his voice, exhausted of just everything at this point.
"Then why ? Why did you start talking to her almost immediately after you left me ?" Your voice shakes, there's so many whys during and after. You still remember the moment you learned about the other girl, the moment you realized just how little those 2 years mattered to him.
"By replacing me ?" Your voice breaks finally, the shield you placed up drops and all the hurt you held back is released.
The headlights light up your garage door. The familiarity of your house is just a few feet away, your safe haven away from this mess yet you stay seated. Spencer is quiet, blinking away tears and clearing his throat as he tries to speak rationally and calmly. "I know it was wrong but I thought it wouldn't hurt you. We were done, I figured it was in the past and it didn't matter what we did" He always thought in black and white. Never good thinking emotionally, never understood.
"It was immediately after. I thought you were unfaithful"
"you know i wouldn't do that"
"I thought I knew you. I thought you were better, guess not"
"Just look at me please. Just once" he pleads, his head facing towards you and you head down staring at your fidgeting hands in your lap.
"What does it matter so much, Spencer ?" You raise your voice, your once fidgety hands clench into angry and annoyed fists. "It wouldn't do anything but make you feel better about yourself."
Spencer is silent and you're done. You groan, snatching your things in your possession where they laid on the car floor for far too long and shove the car door open. Spencer wants to stop you, wants to shout out for you, get out of the car and chase you to your front door. Grab you, pull you in his embrace, beg you for the venom you hold to melt away and for the ice you threw his way to finally cease. But he doesn't.
He watches as you slam the car door, watches as you fumble for your car keys, watches as you push open the door and how to slam it. He watched as the living room light turned on through your blinds and after a beat of silence, he finally pulled out of your driveway and drove away with a heavy heart. He won't change, he'll never change and he won't ever see what he did wrong. You conclude as you throw your stuff on the couch and stand in your living room, listening to the crackling sound of his wheels moving away from your house.
You're sick of this, so so tired of this. You hate him and you hate yourself. It feels like this burden on your life will never leave you, but maybe it's your fault to some extent. Letting yourself fall in love with him knowing it went against protocol. Letting yourself get into his car when you know how much paperwork would have to be filled out all because of one kiss. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to accept the transfer that Emily offered you afterall. You sigh as you pull the blankets over you and settle into bed. Tomorrow is a new day, a new day to push you over the edge again. A new day to deal with this secret and a new day to consider going off the grid.