max

i . am very tired

[nondelphic]

writing is just staring at a blank document thinking, “this is the year i revolutionize literature,” while frantically googling synonyms for “walked.”

[l4undryb3ar]

this is the best thing ever for that

[l4undryb3ar]

word vomit #5

wrod vomti numbar,,,,,,,, five i tink

i miss being seven. 

right before it all went to shit, i was happy. i was a little girl with my bouncy curls and bright blue eyes full of hope. i was bouncing with joy every day. dad was home during the summer and played me songs on his guitar. my brother and i played outside every day. the summers were warmer, the winters were more whimsical, the snowflakes were bigger. the thunder was louder and the lightning was brighter. windows down, rain outside, a blanket wrapped around me. i would watch the rain for hours, in pure awe. why were the clouds crying?

right before it all went to shit, i was normal. i was a happy kid, i had friends, i liked all the things a little kid should like. i had friends, i had family, i had two loving grandmas, i had a little brother who looked up to me. 

now, he hates me. he doesn't show it, but i can tell. i'm a terrible sister, i'm a terrible daughter, i'm a terrible friend, i'm a terrible person. i'm terrible, horrible, ugly, wrong. i can't think straight anymore, i can't talk to people anymore, my mom and i don't talk. dad's at work all the time. the sun has dimmed and the moon has grown further away. the rain is just rain, now. 

i spend most of my time sleeping or laying in bed. i used to run around with neighbour boy. every night, i close my eyes and fantasize. three clicks, and i'm home. back to being seven, at granny's house. it's dark and the christmas tree is up. we all watched the sunset together just minutes before. i'm running around with papa, pissing everyone off with my popgun gleefully. 

we go home, a white house with blue lining. i fall asleep in the car. vaguely, i feel dad carry me all the way from the car, up the stairs, to my bed. i still remember the last time he ever picked me up. 

[l4undryb3ar]

word vom #4

if i'm not good at it the minute i start, i'll never be good. that's one aspect of the mindset i got from my mom. another is that everyone is out to get me. of course they are, why wouldn't they be? that person who looked at me funny? yeah, they're trying to ruin my life. of course.

but then there comes the thought: did i get this paranoia from my mom, or did i always have it, and i'm paranoid that my mom passed it down to me? who can tell. 

a glance my way is all it takes to send the tendrils of suspicion through the holes in my brain. there they will feast on my fear and grow until they surround my skull, and my head, and my body, and my being. and then i am the tendrils, and i don't trust you anymore. you're out to get me, you want me gone, you want me to suffer. i know your type, i've dealt with you before, and now everybody is you. 

we have a disagreement. you're now a new person to me, the tendrils have consumed my eyes and poisoned my vision. you're evil, you're a mastermind, and i must protect myself. the tendrils wrap around me, forming to the shape of my body to create a cast of myself, and i am locked away. all that remains is my mouth. it needs me to act like everything is normal. i act like i don't know what you're trying to do to me. not that it will work, i know what to do now. everyone is against me. 

[l4undryb3ar]

word vom #3 ,................. augh

loving is so labour-intensive. it's never really worth it, anyways. there's a spark, it grows, it dies, then it's over. then you gotta start all over again. or don't, i guess. maybe i should try that. no, i've been trying that, it's not working.

it's hard to love someone who doesn't love you. i always thought i would be able to get over it if that ever happened, but boy was i wrong. still waiting for it to die, been waiting a while now. sometimes i sit in my room and close my eyes and imagine what life would be like if she was next to me. by my side, hand in hand. then i get up and shake my stupid head, stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid. there's always a small part of me screaming at me, that i'm not able to get rid of. it tells me that girls can't like girls and i should just like boys. like a normal girl. boys are fine, i guess, but have you seen her?

she's like if the moon passed in front of the sun and she was the ring around it. she's the image of a snake slithering on water. she's the image of the sun setting and the stars beginning to fade in. she's like the ring of colour around a grey pupil, or a bright stain on a white carpet. or a paint spill on black clothes. she's the fur my cat left behind on my bed to remind me she was there. i do not want her. i cannot want her. 

but she stays, and the fur grows into a pile, and the stain never goes away, and the paint refuses to chip off, and the sun stays behind the moon forever. the snake goes in circles and the stars grow brighter and i can't stop it. i don't think i want to. she is impermanent and i will forget her soon. but then she'll come around again and my head goes straight over my heels all over again. i hate her, i think. 

[l4undryb3ar]

word vomit #2. still bad

the sound of ivory keys hitting a string in a wooden box has no right to sound so otherwordly. seriously, what makes it sound so exquisite? it's... just a surface hitting another surface. but i guess that's the same as guitar, or violin, or really most other instruments. something about piano just hits different, though. 

sometimes i look at the autumn leaves and think of how the world would sound if i were a leaf. is that crazy? it sounds stupid, now that i'm saying it. but would you feel the wind as you fell? or hear the other leaves hitting the ground below you? the sound of feet crunching on dried dead leaves, would it instill fear and horror or would it be just another noise? doesn't matter, i'm not a leaf. thank god. fuck leaves, actually.

but if i were a leaf... i would feel so lonely, being the final remaining leaf on a tree in the dead of winter, refusing to fall, it's not my time. i'm not ready. i don't want to hit the ground. fuck leaves. leaves are stupid. i hate leaves. i'm not ready to be a leaf. 

but if i were a leaf... i would feel even lonlier, being the first to fall off the tree in the beginning of autumn. ahead of everyone else, but i wasn't ready, i was chosen. i wonder if leaves feel like they're going off to war, heading into a treacherous abyss of howling wind and torrential rain. good, actually. fuck them. dumbass little sky flappies. fuck leaves!!!!!!!1

also, fuck fish. they're stupid. where's their little brain? they're all stupid. they're kinda cool, the way some of them seem to glitter when the light hits them right. or when the leaves are dappling the water in a pattern that highlights a select few fish - i wonder if they think it's god. the light hitting them, i mean. maybe they think it's their time. that'd be hilarious. hit by sunlight and they're like, fuck, i guess it's time. it wasn't ready, it was chosen. that's hilarious. fuck fish. 

and don't even get me STARTED on fish AND leaves?? together? fuck. my worst nightmare. like, when there's leaves floating on a still pond and fish are jumping around in there, ugly little things trying to be beautiful. what does that remind me of...?

the circus! it reminds me of the circus. circuses are crazy, huh? kinda fucked, but also kinda neat? y'know, if they treated people like people, they would be neat, i mean. but they don't, so i kinda hate 'em. but somethin' about the community aspect of it... i used to dream of being in the circus, in a family of 'freaks' so  i would feel like i fit in somewhere. doin' backflips 'n shit, but like, nobody cares, because they're all doing it too. a freak amongst freaks is a normal dude.

[l4undryb3ar]

word vomit. haven't written in like 4 years

trying to get back into writing. kinda sucks. my keyboard is off somehow and i don't know how to fix it or what's wrong. my mouth tastes like green apples. if only i could wash it down with something that didn't taste like shit, unlike rockstar. it's sour, but not in a good way. sour like carbonated, spoiled milk. kinda hits, though. hmm. i would try to describe my room but i think i'd actually rather die, i think. it's messy and gross,  but kinda cozy. in a gnarly way. like a forest, like will said. if all the pillows and clothes and books on the floor were like moss and rocks and twigs, it would kinda slap. but it's not, it's just clutter i can't get myself to clean up. whatever. can barely even see the floor. the lights are clearly hung carelessly, no thought put into those things at all. might add some coziness to my room if i thought about what i was doing before i hung 'em up, but oh well. 

if my room could talk - oh my god? she would hate me. i treat her like shit. i throw shit on her floor and leave it there for months, i let things rot and mold in her, including myself, good god, she would hate me. lucky she can't. swear to god, this jarrito's bottle has been sitting here for at least two months. there was so much time and effort put into her and i can't reciporocate - oh hey, like that song by tek it. 'where did you learn what it means to reciprocate? how much can i be expected to tolerate?' yeah, that's what'd she say. damn. 

neglected, bitter entity. my fault she's that way though. i bet she ruminates... i bet she ponders. i bet she's all introspective, in a dark, fucked-up way. she's thinking about all the ways she could kill me. she's my god, and she hates me. but i love her. or, wait, no, if i loved her, i would treat her better. damn. this word vomit thing goes hard. speaking of vomit, i once left cat vomit just sitting on the floor for almost a full 4 days, and if i were a room, i personally would not let that shit slide. yeah, if the roles were reversed, i would hate me too. i already do, though, so it's okay. 

man. thank god my room's not alive. though sometimes it feels like it, the way the lights flicker when i make the decision to leave something to rot, or the way the walls kind of pulsate as i'm falling asleep. and the way that when i'm having a particularly bad day, i'll always end up tripping on something just as that fuckin' cherry on top. i used to love her, i covered her in butterflies and flowers, adorned her with lights and hanging vines, and now look at us. 

i loved her when she was shiny and new, a new aspect to my life. but now she's just part of it, and i take her for granted like everything and everyone else. i wonder if she cries like i do, peeling back the layers of the mold on my floor to stare at the old flowers i used to give her. i wonder if she misses it, or if she knew this would happen all along? 

i am her god. or is she my god?

[l4undryb3ar]

🏳️marked safe from The monster shower Today

[l4undryb3ar]

is your bed made? is your sweater on? do you want to smell like soap

[l4undryb3ar]

pee hallway

[reallybadblackoutpoems]

you only have to be right once: the unprecedented rise of the instant tech billionaires (2014) - randall lane

“my fursona is elon musk”

[wilburian-deactivated20221116]

Which pan flag is the right one please I don't want to mess it up

THIS is the real pansexual flag we've been using for years:

bright pink, yellow, and blue stripes. this is the actual one.

THIS however, is made by mspec lesbian exclusionists and purity culture obsessed twt users:

dont use this or any other "new" pan flag they try to fucking make. its not our flag. its never been our fucking flag. as a pansexual i fucking hate everyone who uses this or tries to get content creators to support this. fuck exclusionists.

[casmick-consequences]

Signal boosting for my fellow pannies out there❤️❤️

[asgardian-viking]

oh man, the fake flag is so fucking ugly, muted colors just like the boring personality of whoever created it

[pickledbaklava]

ok not to be That Person but please, please rb. its incredibly important for us pan folk that our flag doesnt get erased

[moth-lover-not-mother]

@ohsweetvenom

Sorry for the misinformation ;-;

[forpalestine-deactivated2024020]

Updates on what's going on in Palestine:

Date of writing: June 2nd 2021

A palestinian worker was injured after an Is*aeli bus hit him.

2 Palestinian children were detained by the IOF (ages 16 and 17)

Is*aeli settlers set fire to Palestinian villagers' crops.

The IOF demolished many Palestinian commercial facilities in North East Jerusalem.

15 palestinians lost their homes due to the demolishing and confiscation of their tents and homes.

Multiple Palestinian children were detained in a checkpoint on their way to school.

(video of journalist Zaina Al Halawani after being released)

Reblog. Speak. We need to keep spreading awareness. Stop normalizing the ethnic cleansing of Palestinians. Stop normalizing the genocide that Is*ael is committing. Stop normalizing detaining innocent Palestinians, assaulting, and even r*ping them. It's not normal. It was never normal. It will never be normal. Speak up!!!

[hobnob-69]

How is your husband?

He should be fine I left him with enough food and water for a week

[the-real-santino-rice]

That was two weeks ago

[hobnob-69]

Oh god no let me go check on him

[hobnob-69]

By Talos this can’t be happening

[heyimmoving-soon-deactivated202]

Petition: Make non-binary a legally recognised gender identity in the UK

Have non binary be included as an option under the GRP (Gender Recognition Panel)/ GRC (Gender Recognition Certificate), in order to allow t

-> only uk residents can sign however reblogs are appreciated!

[sharkboxes]

[ginger-ale-official]

Oh they’re going to need salvation.

[socialistexan]

Not just making it illegal, but making being gay punishable with death.

[unified-multiversal-theory]

This is one of the many reasons why I walk by every single red bucket in the run-up to Christmas. They’re not getting my money, I don’t care how nice the people ringing bells are.

[auntiewanda]

Ever since the time they threatened to close all their soup kitchens in NYC if a law that did something as simple as allow companies to extend spousal benefits to their employee’s same-sex domestic partners I have refused to buy from them or donate to them. 

[willowofthehearth]

It’s that time of year again! In case people don’t know… the Salvation Army is shitty peoples.

Also, the married women are not paid (and therefore can’t qualify for assistance if they should ever divorce, etc). And worth “of course” less than a man.

“ In the Army’s case, the agreement for compensation is that the officer allowance be paid jointly to the husband—the check is written in his name. Officially, the wife is a “worker without expectation of remuneration,” and her husband receives 40 percent more of an allowance as a married man than he would as a single man. “

source

[radioactive-dingo]

hey since that season is coming up again!

[fluffy-raccoon-artist]

To my American followers. Don’t support Salvation Army. Not only are they homophobic as shit, but I’ve also heard that they abuse a lot f homeless people. They only care about money, please don’t donate to them and give your money to charities that actually help people

[ourmissallison]

Never don’t reblog.

[whitmerule]

To be clear: this is specific to America. It is not necessarily going to be true for all countries. Please don’t boycott your own salvos without proper investigation: in many countries they do good work.

[colorsofsocialjustice]

Sorry but no, the Salvation Army was founded in the UK and even there still are homophobic as hell, to the point that they still refuse to let out gay people hold positions of power in the organisation. This is a callout for the whole group, not just the US. - Purple

[loverrrbearrr-deactivated202204]

AND Canadian salvation army is just as bad! the whole organization is rotten from the core! Canadians are not immune to bad organizations!

[massacre-girlypop]

Reblog to continue the violent hate against the Salvation Army.

[xteacupx]

I decided to create something that I wish I had when I first got diagnosed with autism - so here’s my comic for ASDComicTakeover! You can find out more about the project here!

Keep reading

[froutsuip]

Baby elephant seal vs adult elephant seal