led her away
It was like the same nights that Mikasa despised, those sleepless nights where her mind doesn't seem to want to go rest. However this time, her thoughts were louder and clearer than before. Like a fog that used to cloud up her mind, and now gusted by the wind which made everything crystal-clear. So she realized what has to be done.
Her feet seemed to drag her to someplace she didn't even know, but she let herself flow. She didn’t struggle. Of course, the usual place where she would go when she gets trouble sleeping – the balcony. The cold breeze had always made her relax, and her anxious thoughts were like being blown away by the wind whenever she was there.
But that night, something wasn't right.
Once she reached her sanctuary, a figure was already there, standing and facing the distance. The night wasn't that dark and it was thanks to the gleaming disc of light at the sky, the moon shone all over the horizon.
It was the person she wanted to see the least at the moment, and it was too late to draw back nor to leave the area without being noticed because he had already seen her.
"What are you doing here, Ackerman?" He asked in his usual stern voice. It was Levi, her captain, her comrade, and the main reason for her restless nights.
She stood, feet stuck frozen to the ground, lips were tight as if it was zipped or locked or something. But she knew she had to answer. It wasn't the perfect time to be mesmerized by how his eyes glimmered because of the moon's reflection, or the way his hair was being tousled perfectly by the wind–
"It's past midnight, you're supposed to be sleeping." He said.
This time, Mikasa's senses seemed to have been brought back to her body, and with clenched fists, she replied, “I was just supposed to take some fresh air, Sir.”
By the looks of it, he didn't really appeared convinced with her response. He stared intently with looks that could kill, and his dark eyes squinted towards her. However, he turned his gaze away from her and returned to watch the horizon, "okay, as you must."
Mikasa let out a deep sigh, at least not physically, but sighed inside her head. She began lifting her feet and walked towards the rail of the balcony. Levi stood there just a few paces beside her, which allowed her to switch her eyes from looking at the sky full of stars and to his face as he watched the heavens as well.
The silence was deafening, but for a few occasions, they would hear a cat meowing, a dog barking, or some clamorous drunk men from the distance. They might be on the balcony, but they were only a few feet higher than the ground, which made the noise from the ground audible enough.
At last, the silence was broken when Levi stated a question, "what made you awake at this late hour?"
Mikasa spun to look at him, but he wasn't looking at her direction. Is he talking to me? She thought, but she recognized Captain Levi wouldn't be conversating with himself, especially if someone else is present around him. So she decided it's best to answer his question.
"I can't sleep." She said plainly, but her eyes said differently. And the way she looked at him was different for certain.
This time, he looked at her in the eye and questioned, "Is there something that's bothering you?"
The question surprised her, and it may be odd but now, she's the one who missed his gaze and leaned at the handrail. The wind suddenly blew a cold gentle wind so she gently heaved her scarf to hide her mouth and nose.
"I... I've already talked to Sasha about it, but I don't think I should follow her advice."
Levi's eyes widen in surprise and muttered, "Oh". But short while has passed, and he had softened his look at her, and turned back to look at the distance. His eyes returned to its typical expression and huffed said, "If it's about some stupid shit, I'd prefer not to talk about it right now."
"But it's not–" Mikasa exclaimed, she herself was stunned at her impulsive actions. "No, it's kind of a serious matter. Sasha thinks I like someone."
Saying those words, especially to someone else than Sasha, one way or another made Mikasa uncomfortable, yet, she couldn't stop herself from telling him about it.
Actually, she had always wanted to tell him a lot of things: stories she would hear from her friends throughout lunch or training, and some of her experiences as a soldier. She would love to tell him all about it, but she knows he wouldn't bother paying attention anyway.
"What do you mean?" He asked, a hint of interest and curiosity in his tone of speech.
Mikasa's mind wandered to a lot of things, possible events, and scenarios that could occur if she would continue their discussion about her. But all of them lead to one ending – to tell the truth – in which she has fully accepted.
"When this particular person is nearby, I, I get anxious and breathless, and somewhat uneasy...
“I... I never forget that I am a soldier, and as a soldier, I have a. obligation to serve the Scouting Legion, and also there's, there's Eren... I have to protect Eren at all costs."
Letting all those thoughts loose from her head made her tense at first, but in the end, it was a relief. Mikasa fidgeted her fingers all throughout her speech, yet her eyes not once left her feet.
Watching Mikasa next to him displaying such discomposure was never new to him. He had seen this behavior of hers a few times before, especially when they were alone together. Never has he seen her like this with other people, or in the public. Speculations encircled Levi's mind, and surely, he needed answers for those questions.
"If that person causes you such misery, I think it's probably best that you do something about it," he shifted his body to face her as he crossed his arms on his chest, "would you care to tell me whom you're pertaining to?"
Mikasa stood in silence, a hand clutched on her scarf to hide her face. If it weren't nighttime, people could've easily seen her face resembling the color of a tomato, and she wouldn’t want him to see her like that.
"No", she replied bluntly.
"Why is that?"
"I don't want to."
It must've felt right when she walked and moved a few paces from him. Her back was now facing Levi, eyes still glued to her feet.
Levi, on the other hand, has his eyes on the female in front of him, hands no longer crossed in front of him. Instead, a hand was on his waist, while the other rests gently on the handrail.
He watched her with an expression calm as the night, something that he has a talent on – remaining a tranquil facade even though the mind's distressed – A handful skill, he thought.
"Captain, you–" Mikasa hesitated, and Levi noticed. But she inhaled deep, and exhaled with the same vigor. "You are the person I'm talking about."
She gave the best she could to let those words out of her mind and out of her chest. And she had decided to turn to look at him, at least see how he's reacting to what she's just revealed.
Nonetheless, their eyes didn't meet.
He was looking in the same direction he was fronting the first time she came. His body might be facing her but his eyes were not. And Mikasa realized he would never face her in the same manner she looks up to him. He would never replicate the feelings I have for him.
She stayed put, waiting for a response, and her patience rewarded her. But it wasn't the one she wanted to hear.
"Go back to your bed, Ackerman."
Mikasa's eyes widened, her mouth dropped after what he said. He may look calm like before, but something was different in his voice. It was plain, empty, and it felt like it was spoken by someone who has no emotions at all. Someone who wasn't human.
"But Capt-"
"I said go back to your room, that's an order."
It was the end of the road for her, Mikasa pondered. She could almost feel her eyes burning, like being filled up with water. Blinking fast made the burning and tears go away, so she did – like always.
Her clenched fist smacked to her chest, the spine on her back was straight like a proper soldier she is, and she saluted.
She turned her back from him and left the place. It was as if she was never there in the first place, something that she had always tried before for other circumstances, yet she knows she couldn't.
"Fuck."
Mikasa heard him snapped before completely leaving the area and letting her feet drag her again. It was soft yet audible, rough yet fragile, hard yet easy to break.
But, she had already made her resolution to keep her emotions out of the way from doing her mission.
