LaffGaff

Really funny jokes and witty one liners from LaffGaff. Visit our website for even more hilarious short jokes and funny one liners! Check out our books on Amazon: Christmas Dad Jokes Funny Insults Halloween Jokes Jokes For Kids Short Jokes & One Liners

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I’ve decided I’m gonna go on a second diet.

There’s not nearly enough food on just the one.

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I never understood odorless candles.

They don’t make scents.

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My friend went for a job at a sunscreen factory but didn’t get it.

He’s going to reapply.

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I used to work in a shoe recycling center.

It was sole destroying.

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I bought my wife a lamp in the shape of a Coke bottle.

She was soda lighted.

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Why isn’t suntanning an Olympic sport?

Because the best you can ever get is bronze.

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They closed the local bridge today.

I still can’t get over it.

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My friend got to the final of the local model railway competition.

He lost on points.

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I saw a transparent billboard yesterday.

I thought to myself, "That's a clear sign".

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Did you hear about the guy that was caught stealing hearing aids?

He was given the deaf penalty.

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I don’t think I could cope with a job as a coffee taster.

How do they sleep at night?

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Superman has cancelled his fight with Dracula because he can’t go near the crypt tonight.

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This guy told me his friend Jack invented the hot tub.

I said, “Jack, who’s he?”

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How do you know if Father Christmas is really a werewolf?

He has Santa claws.

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My friend wouldn’t stop going on about how to make his folder smaller.

I told him to zip it.

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My wife told me the leftover chicken would make a great sandwich.

It’s been an hour since I took it out of the fridge, and it still hasn’t made me a sandwich.

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What do you call a guy who paints pictures of bikes on church ceilings?

Cycleangelo.