Sky Watcher

Part of chapter that haven't read out loud.

[lailaadk]

to whom I can spell it out?

[kurniawangunadi]

Nggak apa-apa untuk mengakui bahwa diri sendiri lelah, kelelahan dengan hidup yang menyesakkan setiap harinya. Hari demi hari yang ingin cepat berlalu, tidur menjadi waktu istirahat meski tak lagi ingat kapan tidur nyenyak. Senyenyak dulu. Dulu waktu menjalani hidup ini dengan penuh rasa bahagia dan khawatir, tapi tetap dijalani dengan penuh rasa percaya. Rasa itu kini telah mati, bertahun lalu, saat perjalanan ini dimulai. Memulai jalan yang salah.

Salahnya aku tak berpikir panjang. Panjang anganku mengalahkan rasionalitasku untuk lebih bijak. Kebijaksanaan yang saat itu belum tumbuh dalam diriku yang penuh energi tapi tidak hati-hati. 

Nggak apa-apa untuk mengakui bahwa diri ini sangat lelah. Terlalu banyak masalah, mau kembali tapi tak memiliki rumah. Merasa arus kuat, meski tidak tahu harus ke mana dengan masalah yang serumit ini. Dan berbohong terus menerus setiap harinya, mengatakan bahwa hidupku baik-baik saja.

Tak hanya ke orang lain, tapi juga diriku sendiri. ©kurniawangunadi

[lailaadk]

Can someone actually see it through? This voice keep getting smaller, barely have anyone to reach out. Yet, actually no one even try to reach her out.  This vulnerable human screaming for some help, but no one give a single hand.  She is sinking, little by little.  She is awake, but not really alive.

[lailaadk]

Broken inside, still wondering why it's not getting any better.

[lailaadk]

What makes me fallin' love deeply; personality, eyes & connectivity.

[stay-close]

What horrifies me most is the idea of being useless: well educated, brilliantly promising, and fading out into an indifferent middle age.

— Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

[coffeetillthecoffin]

Ozone Coffee Roasters, Grey Lynn

Drink pictured: V60 coffee ($7)

Went back to Ozone recently, almost 2 years later! Tried a filter coffee: their Guatemalan made with a V60, which was alright. The cafe is large and was fairly busy when I was there. They have mostly indoor seats and some outdoor seats. You can sit on the bar stools at the centre of the cafe and watch the chefs cook, which is cool, and they also sell their beans and coffee-making equipment for you to take home!

[kurniawangunadi]

Denial

Tanpa sadar, mungkin kita pernah bahkan sering melakukannya. Saat kita sedang bersedih, kita mencari cerita-cerita sedih dari orang-orang lainnya hanya untuk menghibur diri bahwa ada orang lain yang hidupnya lebih menyedihkan dari kita, dan apa yang kita jalani belum ada apa-apanya. Dengan kata lain, hidup kita lebih bahagia.

Mungkin saat dalam kondisi waras, kita akan mengingkari hal tersebut.

Berulang kali terjadi, berusaha menyemangati diri dengan mencari-cari alasan bahwa hidup kita ini tetap lebih baik, lebih tidak sesengsara orang lain. Dan yang terjadi sebenarnya adalah kita sedang memumpuk rasa sedih dan kecewa kita, yang entah kapan, bisa meledak sewaktu-waktu. Dan saat itu terjadi, kita menghancurkan semuanya. Alih-alih menyelamatkan apa-(si)apa yang perlu kita selamatkan hari ini, kita justru melukai semuanya. Diri kita dan orang-orang yang kita sayangi juga yang ingin kita lindungi saat ini.  ©kurniawangunadi

[lailaadk]

When new chapter has officially begin. I am currently terrified to face it. How I’m supposed to start it? How I’m gonna do it? It’s too sudden, what if I disappoint everyone? What if I’m not good enough to receive such previlege? This question hanging on inside my head and spinning around like crazy every single day. It feel so heavy that makes me can’t stand right on my feet. I feel like falling and sinking so deep in this ground. I feel like this world of expectation eat me up. Feel so depress and stress. Need someone to reach me but I just have no one to rely on. Its always turned out being left alone. I tried to show it but I can’t anymore. I just can’t speak normally like before. I can’t show what I feel, can’t say what I want to say or what is necessary to say. It feels like a very big and thick walls cover me, all of my idea, all of the mindset in me, its like trapping me. I just couldn’t break it. I don’t have such energy to break it alone. I just, I can’t feel myself anymore. I’m just human being. I can’t do everything all by myself.

[lailaadk]

It’s all winter here, even in August My heart is running on the time Alone on the snow piercer Wanna get to the other side of the earth, holding your hand Wanna put an end to this winter How much longing has to fall like snow Will that spring day come? (friend)

I feel extra exhausted. It was really hectic. I am drowning by every high expectations everyone put on me. Doubting myself whether I was good enough. I always notabene-ing myself as a failure. I feel the great anxiety towards anyone’s stereotypes and mocks. But I do have tried my best. 

I know, anyone’s out there might be through as same, or even harder. I realized, as long as we grew older, the problem we get won’t get any smaller, we choose our own path but it’s not even close to being easier. Just hoping someday, I will figure it out what to do. I hope, those spring day come at the right time.

Rainy days never stay. Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain. 

[twoweeks]

https://www.instagram.com/p/B9gQp6Jpnqk

[deviika]

Alain de Botton // Jon Kabat-Zinn // unknown

[lailaadk]

Some stories remain being left and unsaid, without apologize or forgiveness.  Make mistakes, breaking, rebirth, back to be human as a whole. Facing life out there, meet a lot of people. Few were good, there's lot were bad. It is our own choice to choose, which are bringing positivity or a toxic, which side we let our boundaries open.  But still, whatever has happened, whether it was good or bad, will personally take it as an experience.  To regain myself, to rebuilt myself, to wake up.  and bravely facing what is coming as a challenge.  For you who are breaking, feeling anxious, depress, believe me; you will be fine.  You are loved.  You are worth for someone. You are pretty.  You are great, for still standing and smiling.  Whatever facing you now, be strong enough.  You're doing good.

[rainie-is-seasonchange]

Sunflower garden.

Yamanashi, Japan.

[a-dream-of-catastrophe-deactiva]

3.8.21

Good news, I got things done. Bad news, only because I was really annoyed about something. Studying, going for a walk, exercising and even reading, all in one day. I know this is just how a normal day looks like for lots of people but sometimes we have bad times. Hope, this is me getting out of my ~lazy zone~.

[junosteelyourgirl]

when juno said “you’ve just got to keep living, and you’ve got to have faith that eventually you’ll be glad you did” and alessandra strong said “dying is easy, you’ve only got to do it once. you can never stop surviving. you’ve got to get up and do it all day, every day— that’s what’s hard” and “i’m proud of you for surviving. that’s the hardest thing there is” and benzaiten steel said “but if you want to keep seeing what’s ahead, you gotta get back in the car” and sasha wire said “it’s not theatrical, it’s not glamorous, it’s not even satisfying, but it’s what you’re stuck with, so deal with it” and peter nureyev said “of course there’s [something out there worth seeing]. but you need to be alive to see it” and

[freshmoviequotes]

The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run (2020)