is it really worth it? [ 26 expressions of life]
i often find that i spend a lot of my time wondering this, wondering about the people ive lost, thinking about those that i may have hurt.
i punish myself for not being good enough, excited enough, invested enough, interesting enough for others to care about me.
i find myself in the worst moods, trying to stay positive but everything seems to remind me just how bad the odds are stacked against me becoming successful.
i fear to reach out and speak with others who put themselves out there, worrying that my messages and wishes will only be drowned in a sea of ignorance and nonsense they have in their inboxes.
i make artwork and music with my whole heart and soul, pouring years into learning, grinding, studying, practicing again and again, just to release something im proud of, that nobody seems to notice.
i wake up every morning in pain, sore throat, aching all over, sweaty face, itchy skin, not looking the way i wish i could look.
i climb look in the mirror before climbing in the shower, seeing a body that doesn't feel like my own, muscles, hair, shoulders, a stature that some might find attractive, but to me its a memory of someone i used to think i was.
standing in the shower i think of all of these things, questioning why i can't be rich enough to pay for surgeries and healthcare, to fix these issues and make a new version of myself, to shape and change my physical form to one that i feel more comfortable with.
before i climb out of the shower, i sit down in the bathtub. letting water spill down my scalp i wonder if i really was just worthless to the people who left me, to those i hurt without intending or to those who used to be friends but have since faded.
i remember the times as a kid, growing up in a world already dominated with technology, with industrial and electronic giants trying to dictate and influence everyone, feeding them ideas and building algorithms to sell their ideas back to them.
as i grew older, these algorithms and media platforms became a shadow, taking one click, one single thought i have, and turning it into pages worth of content to influence my mind and trap me under another trend or niche.
i never really had a healthy childhood, most of the time i felt sick or stressed, worried about my parents, worried about myself, afraid we didn't have enough money, afraid that my parents didn't mean to give birth to me, afraid to speak.
i think that it has to be, i can't give up after everything i've learned, all the time i've spent to grow and understand more about others, to cherish them and develop empathy for other people, even if i felt no real empathy from them.
every day i feel this pain, i let it push me to become better, to fight harder, to work even more on my artwork, my dialogues, my writing, my music, everything.
no matter what anyone else says, no matter how little they seem to care, no matter how lonely i may feel, i must keep pushing and creating, i must do it for myself.
even if i never really knew myself, or was able to develop a true personality that i felt was " me " i've been able to learn what it means to care about others and help them, what it means to feel love and to miss it.
i may have grown up in a world where our minds are guided and lured by constant stimulus, constant anger, constant madness from an entire world of people. but that also means i've connected to each and every one of them i've met, trying to help them grow as well.
how can i ever become the person i truly want to be, and live the life i truly want to live, if i just give up? how could i ever look myself in the mirror or look at my parents who have given me so much, if not just food to eat and somewhere to sleep, if i just give up? how could i ever return to my art, ever pick up another instrument again, if i just gave up?
all the people who've left me behind, all the love that i've lost, just taught me what it felt like to lose what you cherish. i didn't really understand how you could miss something that seemed so painful or difficult, until losing those i held closest to me, i didn't value them enough at the time or care enough about them and only now can i truly understand that.
regardless of how sick or tired i feel, regardless of how bad my mood is or how stressful it is to exist, i keep pushing forward because i believe in myself. when nobody else was there i believed in myself, when nobody else saw it, i stood up for myself. when it felt like the entire world was weighing on my shoulders, i carried that weight.
those showers never get easier, those losses never feel right, i still think about those times a lot, but now i know that it wasn't my fault for failing, you never understand what you've done wrong or what you've missed until you truly lose it.
i may not be rich, i may not currently be able to change myself physically to look the way i feel like i should, i may not be able to currently afford things that i need, but i know that someday i might, and if there is a chance that i could, why would i ever give that chance up?
even if nobody notices the work i put in, the time i invest into them or the scene, even if nobody truly respects the amount of my soul i've put directly into this, i shouldn't expect them to. how could they have ever understood my pathway when they haven't even begun to walk in my shoes?
i don't need to try and act or behave a certain way just to make others find me interesting, i don't need to change parts of who i really am or put on a show just to get a response from someone. if they don't have time to spend with me or to meet me halfway, i should just let them go and try to move on with my life, find more healthy alternatives than over-extending my soul.
even though i may not have everything yet, i have more than a lot of people do, a place to sleep, food to eat, water to drink, a roof, this computer, my phone, my guitar, games, anime, lots of things that i should be very grateful to experience. a lot of these things are hard to come by for others, especially in other countries and civilizations, its too easy to take them for granted.
i do not deserve to die, nobody does.
amandla
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
germansingergirl
