L.O.B.

Poetry for Validation Toronto,Canada

[lancelot-obrien]

My will to live is revived

I am now back in the game

I'll live life more consciously

And see how things change.

[lancelot-obrien]

Dream Notes:Lanceborghini 08/20/2018

Playing a driving game

My car was a black Lamborghini

I was controlling it recklessly with with a remote control and not actually in the car

The setting was in the mountains where it was foggy

I eventually drove the car up into some dead end cave because I just did not care how I was driving I just wanted to go fast , because I had a black Lamborghini.

I believe that dream was about me on this physical Earth.The Lamborghini representing this physical body, "I" would be representing my consciousness.I am often looking at my body from the outside in, trying to finesse everything so I don't get hurt and so I look beautiful, like I remote view my self through life (kind of), hence the remote control. I have a fast metabolism , I'm a fast learner, and I can usually manifest what I want quickly.I also have a sexy body without ever exercising.I'm also black.My physical vehicle is the black Lamborghini of bodies. Smoking weed and watching so much pornography has really fucked me up and caused me to live recklessly and meaninglessly, seeking fast hookups and fast highs which fog up my already high-minded perspective.I've driven my life into the dirt and a dead end basically which has led me living in homeless shelters, not graduating highschool and now living at my parents house thinking about ending the game all because I don't want to get in this body and drive it consciously. I am afraid that the race is almost over so I sit in my dead end rut and cry.But I have a Lamborghini, so I might be able to win if I just drive it more consciously.

[lancelot-obrien]

Do you believe in worthless people?

Do you spend the best of yourself on swine and your loved ones get the trash?

Your self talk is proof of evil,

You justify by saying all things pass,

Everyday just erodes your love,

There's no audience the times you don't post,

When your morose seeking your ghost,

Do you believe in worthless people?

Has nihilism become your prison?

Your conditions compromise your vision,

Why listen when its pointless talking.

[lancelot-obrien]

Life is as valuable as seashells or empty paper

[lancelot-obrien]

This reality is dreaming I am this reality,

All of you dream characters,

That's why you don't comprehend the depths in me,

I drown in complexity,

My dream reality is this reality,

As in,

I AM DREAMING RIGHT NOW.

[lancelot-obrien]

The devils is telling me shove a blade in my aorta or take a swim with weights in lake water

The dark clouds abstain from staying far away from him

Theres so much to love

In fact Ill proly end up killing myself over a bitch

God designed me in and out so he knows what he did

Ill probably die by suicide unfit to survive

I could do it right now im fuckin sleeping with knives

Ill prolly end up killing myself over a bitch

Like a bitch that cheats on me thats with me cuz im rich

Or a baby mama that wont let me be with my kids

I hate this feeling

I hate reality

I hate My self.

[lancelot-obrien]

I don't feel like I'm meant to survive sometimes

Like my genetic code is that of prey.

[lancelot-obrien]

Poverty

I hate this gripping anxiety i feel in the fibres of my vessel,

Being poor can kill,

And freedom ain't free,

These jobs ain't shit,

Is there any hope for me?

I want the ride to stop,

It's like God won't answer questions,

I'm sick of being broke,

I wish these jobs weren't so trash...

[lancelot-obrien]

Mental Conversations

Her:What do you want from me?

Me: Warmth,closeness, affection...but I understand you're mentally,emotionally and economically fucked up right now, and you carry things only years of therapy can resolve making you emotionally unavailable. I want your love but in all honesty I only foresee a dysfunctional relationship.I want your friendship but you really don't value me as a friend .I want your body but without your heart it's hollow.

Her:So what do you want from me?

Me:Iunno....

[lancelot-obrien]

Facts

Whatever that was,

Was, just a waste of my energy,

I'm excited for the day you're an emotionless memory,

Stay a hundred feet away **Insert line about centipede**

I'm attracted and repulsed by you, my poisonous remedy.

[lancelot-obrien]

The Ride...

My dick really hurts from jerkin' off too much,

Transgender porn and some other awkward stuff

I might be a little gay but I got no secrets

I searched tranny midget scat and Google said I need Jesus.

I wake up and watch porn

Its a daily routine

After that I get high so I can stay in a dream

Though I fear weeds fucking up my writing career,

One amplifies the pain one makes pain disappear,

[lancelot-obrien]

Poem for my dukes

It is so easy to use the solar system as a metaphor, for a parent and their sons,

I prefer a song,

You were my first universe,

I was your numero uno verse,

I was your first verse ,

In your song of sons,

You're first movement in your symphony,

You moved together in symetry,

With that tropical simplicity when being poor never mattered,

I poured forth breaking the dams of your inspiration,

Some would have said I was damned to be born a bastard,

Bur There is love here,

I hold hymns for you in my heart,

My heart beats a tempo in your delight,

You never beat me for respite,

Some say you were wrong but I turned out alright,

And we did fight,

And words did hurt,

We made each other insecure,

So this is my attempt to rewrite,the lyrics of a juvenile spirit,

I was only your first verse,

Your experiment,

Your primary statement,

Your intro to being a parent,

Apparently life has no manual,

I recall you'd pay rent with manual labor,

And took it upon yourselves to introduce me to Emanuel,Christ ,king of kings,lord of lords to which I responded,

Why?

I now get what church gives you,

Your life giving spirit,so, I wont hate,

You exposed me to a larger reality,

You were my first universe,

I was your first verse,

Calling you into the unknown,

We guided each other,

The song we were playing invited a brother,

Your second verse,

Your song refined,The music,IS,him

He plays on the keys of our hearts,

I use a 5 year head start to impart wisdom,

Whats worked for me,

Quite a symphony you've resonated in to being,

And food for our souls you've spent time cooking up,

Im 6ft3,I thank god for my genes,

My head is in the clouds , I stay looking up,

You were my first universe,

I was your numero uno verse,

This poems offers some of the gratitude you deserve,

It is way too easy to use a solar system for a metaphor between a parent and their sons,

So I prefer a song.

[lancelot-obrien]

Lovepoem7

Im dead inside but I can make it feel just like love baby

Like my hearts in it.

Like I'm the one,

The one you want over and over,

I can stroke it like were lovers.

Smoke and mirrors and grey clouds above me

I can make u love me.

Only once.

Then I'm off.

I thought about offing myself today.

I looked at those train tracks like they were u.

I thought about holding them close

About embracing it,

This is probably easier than I'm making it.

Having a life and changing it.

Like buying new panties.

Everyone can empathize

but I'm alone behind my eyes so I keep them on you,

You bring happy to my vapid when we happen.

You distraction.

[lancelot-obrien]

Whatever...

Why is my heart still beating ?

I look around perceiving, nothing I can believe in

The smoke ive been breathing, has me losing my mind

Behind my eyes this cloud of thoughts makes me feel blind

Sometimes i feel doomed, im locked up in my room

I cant even hustle, like they do in those tunes

Guess im that broke nigga they refer to in tunes

Lone wolf howl with no response from the moon

Lonely saying prayers with no answer from god

I get too attached and I forget to move on

I get mad impulsive I can die any instant

And the older that I get the world feels more distant.

[lancelot-obrien]

Alone

I think nature demands our loneliness

It seems unavoidable

It gives you loneliness and says what will you do with it,

I love you, to an extent

I think nature loves me lonely or whatever

Born alone die alone

I hope youre worthwhile in the middle

I think life demands my loneliness

My heart has more room to beat whatever that means

Im all alone...

[lancelot-obrien]

Facts

One of my biggest challenges is that in a destination focused civilization I'm mostly just here for the ride.

[lancelot-obrien]

The Facts

When there's no more weed and no more cash and I am sick at the thought of jerking off...there I am.... like a candle in the rain.