Landtown Gazette

Looking for someone with their finger on the pulse of what's happenin' in Landtown? Look no further than the Landtown Gazette, the town's primary source for the news that keeps you on the edge of your seat or salivating for more! home of the popular gossip column, sabrina's secret life

[landtowngazette]

HEY, Sabrina! I’m starting a YouTube channel called, “Insert CD-Rom” and was wondering if you could give me a shout-out? Thanks, babs. - Romulus Wright

Oh, Romulus. Usually I would chide you for not using a false name, but since this is a positive advertisement, I’ll let it slide. Your videos won me over. Everyone, you heard the man! Check out his YouTube Channel “Insert CD-Rom,” especially if you’ve a penchant for creative camera work and cinematography!

Stay attractive, Romulus!

P.S. — Can’t wait for your debut as Gaston!

[landtowngazette]

SALALALALA MY OH MY! [sung to the Little Mermaid soundtrack pls]. My friend thinks his house is haunted but it’s just because I don’t know how to tell him I bought a horse ever since his best friend went into a coma.. The creaks.. loud breathing.. distant and eerie neighs. I don’t have the heart to utter the truth! My spine is weak and brittle! So, I hide Butterscotch. I’m always over with my trusted steed, so I need a solution. PLEASE, HELP; HE CAN’T HATE ME!!!! - lujackcowboy2019

Dear Lujackcowboy 2019,

First of all, brava, I applaud you for fitting a horse into an apartment. If you like it, I love it! To answer your question, I’m a firm believer in ripping off the band-aid and telling the truth powerfully that way, but if that’s not your style, it may be easier to break the news by telling your friend that you got an emotional support steed. Think about it—a mutual friend fell into a coma, and I’m sure that your friend started staying with that friend. What were you supposed to do? Talk to shadow puppets? No, an emotional support steed is a totally valid way to cope. If they’re a real friend, they’ll understand. Just take the first step and it will all fall into place. I promise.

Stay attractive, Lujackcowboy2019!

[landtowngazette]

Hi Sabrina :) Do you think you can kiss your friend who you're into and then pretend it never happened because it's probably a really bad idea and also you kind of work together and definitely live together and can never be with them like that and then have everything still be fine? Do you think? That's probably fine right? P.S., I have a bad feeling about you and umbrellas tomorrow. Don't forget to duck now and then! - PencilPunk

PencilPunk,

Hate to break it to you, sugarplum, but it’s not fine, because you’re not fine. Kissing is fun, but what you and your friend did wasn’t just a kiss. Something bloomed between ya’, bibidi-bobbity-boo and all that. There’s some pretty high stakes here and you both knew it. It’s too late to ask if it’s fine because you already shat (shitted? how does one past-tense shit?) where you eat. What you need to ask now is if it’s worth it to pursue something more with this person, or to let it go instead of just pretending.

This is a prime example of why I don’t kiss my friends. Everything ends up getting tied up in knots and I’m not into bondage.

Stay attractive, PencilPunk!

[landtowngazette]

Dear Sab. Sup. I was just wondering if you had any ideas about how to get my dropkick dad to leave me alone? I've tried getting a new dad and calling him my dad in front of my dad, but my dad just won't take the hint. Also, my favourite diner banned me. If you have any ideas for convincing disguises I can use to dine and dash in peace like the old days, that'd be much appreciated. - Your faithful dude, 0to100

Dear 0to100,

“Dropkick?” Is that what the kids are saying these days? We used to say deadbeat, but…alas! Your biological dad will always be your papa, even if you don’t want him to be. Tell him that he can’t make up for lost time or expect a pre-established relationship—although I think you should be open to building a new relationship if he’s making the effort. He won’t take the hint because he loves you. What’s wrong with having two dads, anyway?

Outlandish as this may sound, my gut says you should consider paying the diner, but if that’s too much effort, my go-to disguise is always a blonde wig. It worked for Hannah Montana. If that doesn’t work, know any makeup artists? Have them transform you into someone totally different!

Stay attractive, 0to100!

[landtowngazette]

Hey, Sabrina. Let me give you a hypothetical. Let’s say.. you’re in love with the most beautiful, smart, and glowing girl you’ve ever seen, knowing her for YEARS.. but.. your little sister HATES HER. Absolutely hates her. Can’t stand her. Can’t even stand in the same room. She says she’s a bad influence, and sure, maybe she’s a little rough around the edges but you know she’s good at heart. What do you do?! Do you prove her wrong?! Do you suffocate your feelings until you’re no longer in love?!

Dear, dear stranger,

Oh, sisters—can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em. If your lover’s rough around the edges, it sounds like your sister has a point, but you’re grown. Your sister may be younger, but she needs a push to become more mature and accept your life choices because they’re yours to make. If your sister loves you, she’d want the best for you. Who is she to argue whether your current lover is the best? Though I must caution you, dear stranger, because a woman’s intuition is never wrong, and you even recognize some rose-colored flags. But for now, tell your sister where you’re at. Don’t let her dictate your life.

Stay attractive, stranger!

[landtowngazette]

SABRINA. I'm going insane. My guy, my homie, my fuckin cinnamon apple has this girlfriend I absolutely CANNOT STAND. First of all, SHE'S MARRIED. Second of all, SHE HATES ME. Third of all, SHE'S NOT EVEN HIS GIRLFRIEND. The thing is, though, I want my favourite lil guy to be happy. I don't think this girl is good for him, but if that's what he wants, is it really my place to interfere? Also I think my house is haunted. Know any good exorcists? - BDEli63

Dear BDEli63,

This is a mess. It’s important to me that you know just how messy this is. Between you and I, I don’t think there’s any chance that either person will come out on the other side of this without a few scraps and bruises.

But, pause, she’s married? Mama Dempsey has a saying: how you get ‘em is how you’re gonna lose ‘em. Does your best friend really think that he won’t lose her the same way he got her? It sounds like you’re trying to make him see that, but he’s sleep. If he won’t wake up, let him rest. Sometimes reality gotta take a bite out of you before you wake up from your dream.

Stay attractive, BDEli63!

P.S. I don’t do promos often but you’re in luck. I’ve heard that Milo Davis is the paranormal investigator in town. Maybe he’d be a good person to talk to?

P.P.S Do you live up to your name?

[landtowngazette]

S A B the V I P! What's happening, girl?! So, pretty straight forward one here. Thought I'd get your unbiased advice, since my friends seem to be over hearing me talk about it: If your ex keeps killing all the people you've been hooking up over the last couple hundred years, do you think that means that he's definitely still in love with you? And what do you think about texting him first? - Best wishes, DracBoiiMal

DracBoii Mal,

Sounds like the classic case of “If I can’t have you, no one can.” Cue the horror music! I see your question and I match it with: do you want him to be in love with you? If you didn’t want him to be, you wouldn’t ask about texting him first. Looks like you got the answers you’re looking for, my Transylvanian Romeo. But don’t fret, my pet – we’ve all been where you are. If you love him, who cares if you text first? If you don’t love him, who cares if he’s still in love with you?

Stay attractive, DracBoiiMal!

[landtowngazette]

Sabrina! I need your advice. I've made a group of new friends, all of which are very cool and very, very sexy and mysterious, but every time we hang out they just want to look through my things. One of them stole my hat, the other stole my shirts, and sometimes I feel like the only time they want to hang out with me is when I've just done a #haul. What do you think? Are they my REAL friends? - Love, NotUriahverageGuy

Not Uriahverage Guy,

Your very, very sexy friends wish they were as stylish as you. It sounds like you’re absolutely sickening, and I’d take them raiding your wardrobe as a compliment. What I’d do? Keep them around. They’re your hype-men. They see that you’re not Uriahverage Guy (which you’ve already recognized!) and you should teach them a thing or two! Be their example.

Stay attractive and keep your head up, Not Uriahverage Guy!

[landtown-blog]

GOOD EVENING, LANDTOWN …

     Today marks the official start of our week long charity event in Landtown Town Square ! The plaza has been turned into a festival lasting well into the weekend, celebrating the raise in funding and donations for our “HEARTS FOR HUMANS” program at the local hospital. (Please also thank the morgue and their organ donors ! ) We encourage everyone to participate in the food, activity stands & games ( such as dunk stands, bottle rings and more ! ), and enjoy special live music performed by our very own “ERASERHEAD.” A special firework show will also be held on Friday night, so be sure to look out for it ! The weather forecast this week has been partly cloudy, so we’re hoping to enjoy it while it last !

STAY SAFE OUT THERE.