Melancholy Heart

words are my refuge

[lanznjsh]

Five stages of grief

Series:

5 part episode either about moving on or just tackling the emotion Denial (lies, etc) Anger (pwedeng anger management issues) Bargaining (gambler story) Depression (depression duh) Acceptance (magdudugtong lahat ng seperate stories)

[lanznjsh]

Short Story ko nung Grade 9

sinulat ko to nung 2014. pwedeng husgahan. wala akong balak i-edit. malaki improvement ko mula sa pretentious shit na sinulat kong to.

~ 

           This is a true story of a young kid who has a skill of not doing anything or doing everything at the same time. Well, as you know, that I will not anymore tell this kid's name because we must, of course, avoid any embarrassment this short story might cause this certain lazy kid.

           It is Sunday morning. In this certain town, white clouds cover the sun but its light and warmth is blocked nonetheless. At exactly nine o'clock, He must attend his weekly meeting with his legionaries to pray the holy rosary and share his weekly experience. He must also report the quantity of his prayers and good deeds for reasons he does not know. The meeting lasts for an hour and afterwards, he must now attend the Sunday mass with his Mama and his 1 year old brother. Of course he does not believe that this is a waste of time because it is for the lord, but with all that he needs to do for school tomorrow Monday, of course 4 hours spent not working does seem like a waste of time. He must finish sorting his files in a clear book, write all his notes, make a retreat letter for his crush, and finally, make a short story which is very hard to do considering his lack of creativity and skill. The clear book is the least of his priorities but he must finish the clear book for 5 subjects by seven o'clock tomorrow morning. Now, about the notes, this unique boy believes that one cannot listen to the teacher whilst taking notes. Taking down notes is only a hassle in the process of learning. About the retreat letter, he does not even have an idea what a retreat letter is. He only found out 2 days ago that it should be given before the so called retreat will start. So now he feels awful as if he is an ignorant who knows none of what should be generally known. And now, the project, which is what this short story is about, is due tomorrow.

           It was an hour afternoon when he and his parents reached home. His father is in his office today so he must be the one to take care of his 1 year old brother. It is also the reason why he did not manage to do his work during Friday evening and on Saturday. Good thing that after they eat lunch, the baby will rest for two or three hours. This short period of time is long enough to make at least a thousand words or so. But instead, he slept and relaxed for 5 hours when he should already be alarmed considering all the work he must do and the time that he has.

           Six o'clock evening, the rain is falling hard. The loud crackling of thunder ripped through their apartment as he sleeps. Thanks to all the noise outside, He wakes up disoriented. He turns the computer on, ate a few slices of bread, searched the results of the cheer dance competition, and finally, sat down in front of the monitor and started typing. He read the unfinished draft he gave his teacher again and again. He considered the comments and suggestions about the draft but none of it is any help. For thirty minutes, he searched for inspirations. He opened magazines, novels, comic books even bedtime stories were looked upon. He looked for names, themes, conflicts, but none of it was good enough for him. He then decided not to follow his draft. He started making a story that he has no idea about, no plot ever came into his mind but there was no turning back, he started the new story and titled it "The Quandary of Believing"

           Watson left in the middle of Mr. Schwartz' 9:00 class. Maybe because he couldn't manage to answer the confusing question his pr.ofessor asked him, or maybe because he puked on the main electrical switch beside him. Even with alcohol flowing through his)'] veins, his inte2lligent mind still performs effectively. Outside, it was raining and tiny drops of water falls to his arms. Just 678 like the way Jelly's tears falls onto his shirt 6 years ago "Genie, remind me to never fall in love again" Angelica said.

           Angelica Joshua Chase, Jelly for short. Best friend of Damian, an honor student, beauty queen, and an engineering stu'dent. She is the girl that all th7#e men on campus had a crush on but she never entertained anyone who asked her on a date. She has an eye only for one man until he broke her heart. With a river flowing through her cheeks, she only had one person in mind to talk to; Genesis Watson, Genie for short. A man often teased gay because he's been the best friend of Jelly since 10th grade but for 5 years, he never had the courage to at least ask Jelly on a date. But they hahve no idea why he never did so.

           10:47 pm last night, the breeze doorbell buzzed lightly while genie is eating

           Genesis is sober from last night's drama. But he is accustomed to this sensation. In his fuzzy mind rings again and again the question of Mr. Schwartz

           "I believe in believing. I believe th9/at believing in whatever you believe in makes your belief more believable than what you ever believed it would b867e. Believing in something is what you need right now.  I believe that all the people in this classroom. You need to believe my child. In this very unbelievable world, you must hold on to faith. Now, I ask you Mr. Watson… What do you believe in?"+

           Genie believed in promises. 35He has many promises in his tiny miserable life, all of which he wishes to fulfill. But after what happened 10 hours ago, Believing in promises starts to seem ridiculous. Maybe it really is time to believe in something. Maybe…  

           He suddenly stopped. 20 minutes ago, he was inspired by writing about promises and believing, suddenly he was not. It felt exactly the same way when he stopped writing the draft that he sent his teacher. Every single time, he makes a story, writes an introduction or so but the story ends halfway. All the stories he ever did was boring. There was no climax, no conflict, nothing to interest a person. Even before he gave the draft to the teacher, it took him seven other stories and concepts before he decided to just submit an empty paper. Another setback in making his story is the task of taking care of his baby bro. While his mom did chores, he had the kid beside him while he types, that's why sometimes there are random numbers between words.

           Six thirty evening, someone knocked on the door, his father is home. They ate dinner quickly and at last, he now has the peace to make a story without being interrupted. He tried to merge all the 9 stories he made to come up with at least 3000 words. He tried removing sentences, combining paragraphs, changing the names of characters, but all he came up with is pure nonsense. One paragraph, a girl ruins a boys' life, and the other is about the end of the world. Then the next one is about a detective, then a doctor, then a student. Perhaps all of it would make sense if he made it a whole novel but it isn't what was needed. He needs a story. He needs time but is certainly not on his side right now.

            One o'clock midnight, another boy sleeps as a failure.

           Four o'clock am. The weather is damp. He goes to school anxious and exhausted. Having achieved nothing, he sleeps in the classroom alone and cold. Thinking of all he had to endure last night with a fruitless morning, he is now fueled with the will of finishing everything. He left the room and went straight to an internet café and typed all the he can produce.

           Six thirty am, half an hour before class, with adrenaline coursing through his veins he finished the story. He raced to the counter, asked the cashier to print the story.   "Damn it! There's no ink left kiddo" She said. "No way. Quick, give me the flash drive." He said

           He swiftly gave the cashier the payment, took his bag and flash drive, then ran to a printing station next to the café. The copy went out, the man handling the printers stapled the 4 page papers together. The poor boy handed too much dough to the guy but because of urgency, he had no time to ask for change.

           Arriving to the class 5 minutes early, exhausted , anxious, nervous ,proud and fulfilled all at the same time. He had absolutely no regrets. He waited for the second period and passed his work proudly and it felt so damn good.

[lanznjsh]

I Don't Watch Horror Films

I never enjoyed watching horror films. I always thought it was because I didn’t like surprises. For the longest time, I had this mindset that I’m always prepared for anything. I try my best to understand what’s happening and by understanding, I have the opportunity to expect what’s about to happen next. It was an ability I was very proud of. But when it came to horror films, none of it really ever made sense to me. I never knew what to expect. I mean I know when something’s up, and I’m aware that something is about to happen but it just sort of happens too sudden. It’s made to be surprising. If you want to get all scientific about it, there’s something in horror films about sound frequencies and lighting. It really triggers your brain to produce hormones to make you feel uncomfortable or like it makes you think irrationally or whatever. But that’s beside the point.

I still think my disposition towards horror movies has a deeper significance to my personality. People have been telling me that I don’t have any emotions or feelings. I never learned how to recognize what love looked like. I have an inter lapping definition between happiness and sadness. It’s weird to think about how possible it is, that someone like me didn’t have any emotions. Then, if there’s this one emotion, that I have a full grasp on, It was fear.

I lived in fear my entire life. Fear was what fueled my ambitions and goals. I never thought about wanting to do things because it made me happy or because I had a clear image of who or what I want to be in the future. It was always just fear. Fear of not having enough money. Fear of not finding someone to love. Fear of saying the wrong words. Fear of choosing the wrong people. Fear of not living my life to the fullest. My skill to foresee events, and to empathize with other people was developed primarily because It was one way I can reduce the fear I’m feeling. I was thinking maybe understanding what was about to happen will make me prepared for anything or at least I can learn how to accept the outcomes, however scary it may be.

Eventually, I noticed how much fear was running through my veins. I never noticed it before. As I’ve said, fear never really dragged me down. It was the one emotion that I fully understood, and it always propelled me forward. Still, there came a point that it wasn’t really doing me much good. It was just always there lingering in the background. I couldn’t really fight it. In a way, fear itself also made me brave. So I can’t say that I tried to be brave just to get rid of my fear. The only way I got rid of the constant fear was by basically not caring anymore. I stopped giving a fuck about everything and anything at once. I drifted away and sailed through an empty void. Hoping to see something beyond the horizon.

I know how fear works. It’s roots, how it flows through your veins, how it makes your heart beat faster, how it makes you feel like you need to run. Fear is the recognition of a perceived danger, it’s how we protect ourselves from legitimate danger. Personally, I’m afraid of the unknown. The uncertainty, and the indecision, not knowing what’s going to happen next. This fear only grows when it comes to deciding what to do next. Do I run away or do I stay. Do I say it or stay remained. Should I wait or must I take a leap of fate. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I have no idea what to do.

Maybe I still don’t understand my emotions. I’m not sure if I know what love is. I have no idea what really makes me happy or how sad I really am. It was never clear to me how I feel about you, but there’s one thing I’m sure about; I’m afraid and I care. I thought I was done being afraid, and I never thought I would care for someone this much ever again. Right now, I’m afraid of losing you.

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[lanznjsh]

A Savant’s Lament

         [prologue] A dead line drew near. I stayed late at night at one of those coffee shops right by the main road, cherishing the consumerist capitalist essence of overpriced coffee he of course paid for. —Before the last sip, I finalized everything, giving myself the illusion of accomplished work. Something I skillfully mastered throughout his secondary education years. There was no value of producing an honest //sincere output as long as the given output went according to the given standards. With nothing to write that inexplicably went against the purposeful expression and communication, everything there was to say was nothing but a vitriolic attempt to use prolific language addressing an achromatic dogma of artful expression since its meaning has been reduced to an esoteric virtue, a mere quest to an idiosyncratic form of communication that aims to bring the beholders to a certain state of fanciful impression.  ───

          I left the coffee shop satisfied at the amount of work I’ve done ─if there’s any, and at the length of time I spent inside the place, making the most out of the comfortable chairs and the aesthetically pleasing ambiance. Overstaying was the answer to overpriced coffee. I walked across an empty street. The gloom that enveloped the skies was disturbing, more so that the caffeine in my body triggered palpitations and anxiety. I fished deep in my pockets for quite some time until looking for something ─eventually I found it in the back pocket of my backpack. I grabbed the pack along with the wooden matches. There was only one stick left —the wish stick. With my hands shaking sweaty; I lit the red Marlboros and inhaled quite a drag. Almost instantly I felt the nicotine—pass through my lungs and onto my head. A flush of nausea// and lightheadedness immediately dimmed my vision. Caffeine /and nicotine surely isn’t a decent mix but along with it comes—a satisfying pleasurable type of pain. It wasn’t idealbut vices and virtues were the only things that kept me running and run I did. I looked for somewhere to stay. Everything is so dull. I called my conyo millennial manileno friends —what the hell are they so proud about they can’t even speak straight english they //talk like shit shit flowing out of their mouths vomiting words that has no meaning meaning nothing okay okay okay what the hell. Maybe I’m one of them or maybe not but at least I’m self—aware maybe that’s the difference the difference is that I’m self—aware i know I’m shit and I’m feeling like shit so even if I’m shit I’m not like shit shit. Some people are really shit like they swallowed a dictionary whole and they shit out the words out of their mouth nothing of meaning comes out nothing nothing—nothing really matters anymore anyway. They’re nowhere near. But I told them I need them and they’re coming //coming for me. I was thinking if I should call my other group of friends. The uncivilized illiterate bunch of retarded retards that has nothing to do other than have fun fun fun crazy crazy stuff but I can’t be with the same people all the time eventually you’ll run out of things to say and things to do so

         I’m here waiting working drinking smoking waiting waiting finally here they come here they come at long last I’m happy// I’m happy happy and excited and thrilled —I’ve been here for days years decades already coming walking nearer here they come here they come ohmygod dear lord —wait, shit what are you saying you can’t come I’ve been waiting oh whatever fuck off yeah sure it’s fine take care —no one’s going with me tonight then then whatever I have nowhere to go nothing to do no one to talk to. I’m just a caffeinated junkie with a superior intelligence quotient and an artistic head full of thoughts thoughts I can’t think straight anymore maybe another shot will help //gulp// oh what the hell am i saying speaking thinking its like im stupid dumb well shit im wasting everything wasting wasting my brain my brain cells my neurons my neurological capacity im not even here to enjoy no —what’s there to enjoy //partying isn’t my jam —jam //jam im just here because im sort of exploring human behavior sort of embarking on a mission to seek seek seek understanding about the reality of human society and the essence of chemically induced —yeah yeah yeah that sounds smart fuck yeah im back the smart ass is back im smart it does sound smart right right you know why? It’s cause I’m smart smart smart like really intelligent my iq is so high its like my iq smoked weed weed like really good shit weed that’s how high very high high—high //

         But im tired tired like really really tired not tired tired but bored exhausted tired of this and this and that and this again and again and again //nothing new just study work study work eat and eat wheres the adventure and satisfactionfeels like a distant memory—the only thing that can bring me closer is doing illegal underage shit //but law is just a social construct so is beauty and consumerism—and—capitalism and fucked up educational system and shit jobs poverty hunger dirt work work //do this and do that buy buy buy survive contribute to society and economy and money money money //is this what life is im pretty sure this isnt what life is supposed to be //suppose i stop giving a shit and drop dead //but no i want to live why would i want to die sometimes i dont //even i cant even understand myself i want to live but if i cant live id rather die instead that doesnt make any sense does it because i really hope i make sense it makes sense to me why cant it—make sense to other people i really try my best to make sense of everything and anything even if it doesnt make sense—but really //sometimes youre the one whos gotta //make sense of something —cause sometimes wherever or whoever the whatever it is that you need to make sense out of came// —from that someone or something //probably cant make sense out of it either isnt that poetic and abstract sometimes—some genius just flicks his—or—her his—or—her or—something—in—between paintbrush or splashes paint or throws in junk and junk and more junk and //i have absolutely no idea what im doing nor do they but its—up up up up! to you if you can make a meaning out of it and thats the meaning meaning it doesnt mean anything //unless you find meaning in it but this—whatever—this is whatever this is can you make—meaning out—of this// i—hope you do i really-want a high grade i deserve it i deserve it i deserve it i deserve i am i am worthy i am worth-something ─i am worth everything and—and everything because i am everything i can be anyone—anything in the// sunrise —sunrise-sun—rise if —if you want me to be //if you want me to be a sympathetic prophetic socratic junkie literary—genius //copyright-infringing plagiarizing—lover honest—student alcoholic-smoker chaste—ignorant literate political practical-devoted—christian atheist—//agnostic-deist and thats me-me—me—I—//am-am—I—am—every//everything—thing—im—anything—//and—I—can be anyone but -I’m -nothing but a-dead-//line-so-I-am-no-one-//no-one-one-one-one-two-three

         [Epilogue] I woke up. Scattered on the floor were empty beer bottles. On the table were some left overs and wet chips. On the ashtrays were half smoked cigarettes. I had no idea what happened. I remembered I had to go somewhere. I smelled like beer and piss and other types of liquids but it doesn’t matter. I needed to go somewhere because someone told me to go there. It was my duty as a member of society. And so as light at the end of the hallway slowly crept against the darkness the sun rose from the horizon and another day began, I walked. I still have a dead line to meet.

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[lanznjsh]

lie down

I’ve always had a deep fascination about telling lies. It was something I’ve been doing for as long as I can remember.

I grew up in a conservative family. My parents were very strict. I was the only smart kid in the family. And my parents were the only hands on parents from their generation. Naturally, I became the only one who knew how to eat with manners, and treat everyone in the table with respect. I was meant to be perfect, but I wasn’t. At a very early age, I learned that making mistakes are okay. Not because you were bound to learn something from it but because for each mistake, there’s a lie that would conveniently cover up for the horrible truth.

I still think my ability to imagine events even before they happened, was developed by my compulsive lying. I learned how to make up stories, place myself in the situation, walk through it in my head, and clear out every single detail just so the lie I’m bound to make would make perfect realistic sense. It was more like making a story than making an excuse. For each night that I went home late, I had a different story to tell. That’s why I consider the best story makers as one of the best liars. Even better than actors. You can fake an emotion, but it’s more difficult to convince everyone how sincere a story is, albeit it may have never even happened. See, the best liars are invisible. They stay behind the scenes. Great liars are the worst liars. They had to convince everyone that they have no idea how to lie. They tell the truth, they’re honest, and they open up to people, creating the illusion that they are vulnerable, and everyone can read through them.

For a lie to be effectively convincing, it is a necessity to inject truth, no matter how small, or large. It makes the lie much easier to tell. People have a natural tendency to feel suspicious once they detect any inconsistency with the person they’re talking to. The idea is, that whatever truth you mention in the story, makes your story much more believable because it reverts you to the natural way you speak, therefore covering up the lie with a thicker layer of truth. Another reason is that, personally, I always blow up my lies with truths. It makes me a better storyteller because I myself end up believing whatever lie I made up. The same way writers can’t write about what they haven’t felt, I make up lies, by telling the truth.

The extreme danger of being a compulsive liar is that there’s a great possibility, that the liar will end up believing in his or her lie sincerely. The thick opaque line between what is real and what’s not slowly becomes thinner, more translucent until what separates truths from lies will eventually vanish.

I ended up using lies, to tell the truth. The time came when that truth became cold and unwelcoming and it’s within the lies and the stories I create for myself to believe in, that I take solace, warmth, and comfort. There were times when the truth will suddenly find it’s way out that everyone will end up knowing it. Truth always found it’s way out. But I didn’t like the truth. I didn’t want people knowing the truth. So I found a way to pre-empt the situation by telling everyone that what I’m saying is not true. And eventually, believing the lies I said for actual truth.

This was supposed to be the last entry in this blog. The last words running along the lines of you don’t deserve to be just a writing exercise. And I do not want to be just another one of your stories. Leading to a confession of some sort. A plot twist. How an arrow pierced through my armor. However, given the current situation, I’ve realized how unnecessary it is to proceed as such. Now, I’ll be using this for my first literary work to be placed in this collaborative-ish blog of ours — A cliff hanger.

Maybe I’ve come too far. I’ve made a fool of myself because I was trying to avoid making a fool of myself. Throughout this whole time, there was only denial. An attempt to fully and effectively minimize the risks, without sacrificing the maximum reward possible.

Like you’ve said, maybe I’m still lying to myself. I kept on talking about how I haven’t yet fallen. I have no idea whether it’s true or not but it’s what I have to believe in. I have to think that I haven’t gone past the door just yet. I have to think as if I’m still holding on, desperately clinging onto an edge of a skyscraper, afraid to fall, and that whatever the fuck just happened, it was me being strong enough to climb back up, see the view one last time, to finally, turn around, and walk away. But maybe, just maybe, I tried to let go. Maybe this past week was what was happening on the way down, and halfway through the fall, I finally realized what I had to do. Out of nowhere, right before the impact, I learned how to fly. And now I feel free more than ever. I’m probably never going to fall anymore, but I’ll learn how to do a smooth and proper landing. This is a fresh start. I’m still trying to get used to using new wings. And maybe, one day, I can use these wings to catch someone who’s about to fall.

—

We write reality, change the places and the names and then we call it fiction. Hoping, that deep inside, we can fool ourselves into believing that none of what’s happening is actually real.

—

Time is a fucked up concept and it really fucks up a lot of things. whatever was written above, that was how I perceived truth and lies 3 weeks ago. Right now, I’ve come up with the idea about how truth is relative, that there are two realities, and one or the other is not necessarily a lie. It’s something new for me, and I’m going to write about it soon.

0411170050

the sound

[lanznjsh]

Nightdrive

When I was eight, them moon was nothing but a bright white light shining in the distance. An alternative to the blinding daylight sun. The moon was tender and gentle. Peaceful. An indication that it was time to rest.

It wasn’t until ten that I thought maybe the moon was following me. That night, during the ride home, as the daylight faded and the lunar light takes its place I saw the moon as something much more than just a light beautifully lighting up the night sky. It wasn’t just there. It was present wherever I went. I can always see it, as long as I didn’t turn the other way around, regardless, it was still there. Maybe the moon chose me, maybe there are other kids like me, but it didn’t really matter. Because, for the first time ever, I had something to believe in.

When I became sixteen, I learned that the moon wasn’t following me. It was a fact I can’t deny. I was quick to grab on to something that gave me at least a small glimmer of magic, and hope. How incredibly naive it was to think that something as beautiful as the moon would choose me or something. I wasn’t the chosen one. I wasn’t anyone or anything. I was just me. Ordinary. Because even if the moon did follow me, it followed everyone. I wasn’t special. I thought I was. To be fair, I was young, naive, hopeful, I didn’t know anything. Real life eventually kicks in and ruins everything.

Once I reached eighteen, I already hated everything. I lost everything, and I didn’t have anything to believe in. The moon is just a rock, and its light was simply a reflection of the sun’s flames. I embraced the reality of life and did my best to stay grounded. For a long time, I was like this, and I was contented. I wasn’t sad, but I wasn’t happy either.

There was this one special night, right after I became twenty-four, that I looked up to the moon, and realized something very special. Maybe it was just maturity, or maybe I was just so tired of everything, I’m not sure. I remember staring at the moon, thinking, that something so beautiful and magnificent was so unreachable. It wasn’t impossible to reach, some people already proved it was possible, but they were few, and reaching it required intelligence, dedication, and will require a very very long time.

There was a feeling of contentment, much deeper than just being happy with scientific explanations, but a sense of satisfaction, and a recognition of balance between reason and fantasy. That a huge white rock, a satellite, can also be taken as magical. The moon, white, and filled with craters, was imperfect, but still pure.

Eventually, I reached the point of humble acceptance, knowing that the moon was never following me, it never was, it never did, and it never will, but still, I had a deep appreciation of its presence, knowing that it will always be there, unreachable, but eternally present impossible to lose.

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Eto siguro yung gawa ko na pinaka proud ako. Dito lang ako nakahanap ng creative-ish idea para maging maganda yung iniisip kong isulat. Parang sobrang indirect nya tipong pwede i-critique tapos may mahahanap na underlying meaning. Nasabi ko na sayo na may kinalaman yung date eh. Sapat na siguro yun para mas maintindihan mo pa sya in a way na hindi maiintindihan ng iba pag walang context.

March 8 yun. Yung April 8 siguro dapat yung gawing ending pero siguro yung ganung klaseng ending yung tipo na nagiging bagong beginning.

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[lanznjsh]

Constant Conversations

It was just the two of them, walking, nothing more. It was quiet and calm, right after noon, the sun is bright, and the breeze is warm. But the lack of words might not be coming off as romantic. It was just dull, and boring, and slightly awkward.

He never was a natural conversationalist. He had to think of what to talk about beforehand. He needed to prepare questions. And each day his list of things to talk about just gets thinner and thinner. He tried to pretenda s if he’s pre-occupied by other matters, staring at his phone, checking his watch, staring at the trees, hoping that he would appear somehow busy, desperately trying to hide his uncomfort, and praying sincerely that the woman he walks with does not feel the same way.

But of course she wasn’t like that at all. What transpired throughout the moments when they were together was undeniably unnatural. Despite having moments when words did flowed out like magma from an erupting volcano, with its lights flashing, and sparks flying all over the place, but slowly the fireworks will come to an end and the warmth will slowly leave the oozing lava, eventually turning into cold, lifeless igneous rocks. The idea that soon, there will be nothing left to talk about, that the quiet that once meant serenity peace and calmness will be nothing but an endless void of unsaid thoughts, and  deafening silence. This fact always seemed to haunt him even during conversations that are going well, it was an ever present shadow, glooming, staring from a distance, constantly creeping in, closer and closer.

They were lying on the ground, her head resting on his stomach. It’s impossibly absurd that she does not in any way feel any discomfort from lying her head on my stomach, it’s stiff, and it lacks any fat or whatnot, He thought. He had nothing to say so he just stared at the sky, praying that one day, somehow, the ability to build a conversation out of thin air will come to him naturally. It was tiring, having to keep a list on the back of his head about things that should start at least a conversation of some sort. The idea is that one question should lead to another until a story or an event comes up and either one of the two people talking will share an anecdote, and the other one would only have to react, that was how the communicative process worked. As simple as it sounds, it was extremely difficult for someone like him.

He had this one friend who struggled much more than him when it comes to cnversing. The friend resolved it by creating scripts, laying out the foundations to a memorable speech. For each topic, this friend of his always had something to say. This friend did fine for a couple of years, since there was no intention to be friends with anyone longer than a few months, no one every noticed how he had been saying the same things. It did sound pretentious at times, but if it works, then its pretentiousness didn’t seem to hold much relevance.  He tried to imitiate, this solution to the dillema of having nothing to talk about, but it never really suited him. Repeating the same ideas would be too repetitive and obvious. Besides, the problem was more on how to get the other person to speak.  He never had the assurance that other people wanted to hear what he had to say, but he was sure that he wanted to hear everything from everyone, so he always tried to make them speak.

From an outside perspective, the girl he was with was the perfoect person for him to be with. She loved to tell stories, and she was undeniably excellent in doing so. The boy in contrast with the girl, loved listening to stories. And it was her stories that he loved the most. He wanted to learn everything about her, what she wants, what she hates, those whe once loved, and those who loved her once. And as the sunlight gently lights up her face, he couldn’t help but wonder what was behind those wonderful eyes, and what legends her pretty elf ears have gathered through the years.

“What’s the one thing youre afraid to lose?” She asked, breaking the silence.

“Not a person, of course. A person isn’t yours. Choose something that you have.” she continued

A beautiful question. It was one of those reserved questions he had in mind whenever there was a desperate need to converse. It was well classified with “Do you ever plan on getting a tattoo”, or “what do you really want to be when you grow up”, and “what’s one thing you’ve always wanted but you know you’d never get.” Those types of questions would almost always lead to a deep, meaningful conversation. These types of questions should never be

“What’s yours?” He asked back.

“I’m afraid of running out of stories. Running out of things to tell”

“You’re afriad that your life will get boring to the point that you wouldn’t have anything to tell?”

“Sort of, yeah. How about you?”

This is unfair. He thought. My answer is you. I have you. I do not ever want to lose you. I don’t want to lose this. This moment. This thought. This feeling. But then, you’re not mine. If I lose you, I’ll understand.

“I’m afraid I’ll lose my emotions.” He answered.

Science, math and logic seemed to have a great influence over him. He always kept gravitating back to rational explanations of emotions and analysis of having feelings as impractical and unreasonable. He always gravitated towards that side of reality. A translation of beauty and humanity as something quantifiable and can be classified by mere chemicals. He didn’t want that. He doesn’t want to remember her as someone that had nothing to do with the moon and sunflowers but a mere trigger for the release of multitudes of hormones and neurotransmitters. There might be beauty in science, but he felt like knowing the unknowable makes the mystery lose its meaning. He wasn’t afraid of losing his emotions. He was afraid he’d lose the meaning of love, and passion, and life itself.

There wasn’t anything left to say. There wasn’t any need to say anything. For him, the noise from his emotions was more than enough. He didn’t have to speak, for it was his feelings that sent messages. It was flowing out of his fingers, as he stroked her hair, sailing smoothly onto her hair.

If it comes down to this. He thought.

If the day comes that I run out of words. I wouldn’t have to tell you how I feel. I’ll let silence fill the air, and let my heartbeat do the talking.

[lanznjsh]

stuffs

underdeveloped ideas dumpsite

1.) I made up a reason to look forward to mondays. That mondays are temporary. That mondays are just a fraction of the week that I have to get through. That even though I hate mondays so much, I still have 6 days that I can make the most out of until another monday comes. until eventually, I found a reason to wake up everyday. It was you. Monday was our day. Monday was the only day of the week when i can see you. For years i’ve despised mondays. But you were my reason to love everything I hate about that day. You are now my reason to love everything I hate blablabla (Mondays = Life/problems; Happy T= intense part of life, fridays are happy and fun, saturdays = calm, yung part ng buhay na alam mo na ginagawa mo, yung may plano ka etc. sundays = contentment, preparation for another struggle yet to come )

2.) The first time I saw you I said you looked like a tita and you were not in any way pretty. this is a story of how my affection always transcends beyond physical beauty.  I realized that even if you had a different face, or if you took over the body of the person I hate the most, I would still love you. I always will.

3.) How to not get caught smoking: you have to hide it, mask it, let the wind drag the smoke away, etc. – realize you have a reason for smoking, a reason why you do things even if it kills you, eventually you won’t have to hide it. You become aware that it doesn’t matter if everyone sees you smoking. They may hate you or avoid you, but smoking is your thing now. It’s something only you will understand. Soon you find people who understands you. Other people who smoke. Other people who openly smokes. Other people who hieds the fact that they smoke. A community where you understand them, and they understand you. None of you experiences smoking the same way, still… (smoking = sexuality)

4.) Ang sikip sa side ko sa jeep pero ang luwag sa kabila. Bakit mahirap magadjust kung pare parehas naman na kayong nahihirapan. Bakit madamot yung nakaupo sa kabila. Kapag may isang nag-adjust, lahat magiginhawaan. (jeepney hugot etc. short skit. idk.)

5.) An essay about the book I fucked up but then that’s the only way Ill find the story. I had to take care of the book so much. Tenderly, full of effort. Medyo hassle pero okay lang. But with you you can do anything you want with it. Bring it with you. Fold the pages, Rip it off. Destroy it. As long as you know the story, it’s all right. I’ll be okay with that.

6.) What do you talk about whenever I am not around. What do you think about whenever I am not around. Who are you with whenever i’m not around.

7.) The different forms of denial: I act as if nothing happened. They acts as if nothing is happening.

8.) You’d feel like you have a unique interest (in painting, or in film) until you pursue that interest then find people like you, and then you realize how un-special you really are. 9.) I don’t want to be just another one of your stories.

10.) The yosi algorithm.

11.) Ang kwento ni luigi at ng kanyang tunay na pagmamahal para kay rianne

12.) oh wont you be my livewire

13.) I have this tendency to act stressed, and busy, and pre-occupied. Maybe I feel like I have to make other people feel as if they’re taking up my time, that my time is more important than theirs.

14.) What i’d do depending on the answer

-Yes,-let you be. explore, try to prove myself better, be present, always hit you up, free my time, try to be better in every way possible, try to look nice, comb my hair, and quit smoking.

no, - give it up, get rid of each and every emotion, maybe move on, i guess. still be friends, clear things out, find someone else., still try to be better, find out what’s wrong.

maybe yes, - best answer. probably make ligaw, try to assure the yes, make myself worthy, set distance for other guys, try to make you happy all the time, try not to be too sweet, try to get to know you better, try to ask you out on a date, wait for the final yes.

maybe no, still, try to get rid of everything, try not to hope for something more, take it as a real no. the main difference is that somehow, somewhere deep in my heart, i’m still hoping, i’d still be striving, to turn that no into a yes. but still, friends is okay. the affection is gone. There wouldn’t be any conscious effort to free up my time for you, or to look nice when around you, or to act nice when around you, or be around when you’re around.

maybe.- the most fucked up answer one may get. i have no idea. a true legitimate centralized maybe is practically impossible, i’ll probably just try to clear out wether the maybe is leaning towards the no side or the yes side.

15.) truth is relative

16.) I promised to take you somewhere, and i’ll do whatever it takes to take you there

17.) You’re the only person who knows me.

18.) If we’re meant to be alone, let’s be alone together.

xx.) I went for a smoke because I felt sad because you told me you didn’t want to write anymore because “wala ka namang mapapala” (excerpt nung time na nawalan ka ng gana sakin.)

[lanznjsh]

fallingforyou

Chelsey  (april 22 – 25, 2017)

Okay so eto yung kwento…

march 6 hindi pa kami close halos di kami magkakilala pero sabi nya bigla aquarius ako napa-WTF agad ako. hindi ako naniniwala sa mga ganun pero naintriga ako sabi ko putangina ano to.

march 7 acquaintance na kami, nakakausap ko na pag present sya, hindi na basta parang stranger lang. pinapaexplain ko sa kanya kung anong kabullshittan na alam nya na aquarius ako. hindi nya agad sinasabi lahat, mas naintriga ako.

march 8 unang usap namin. kumain kami kasama si enzo and melvin. tuloy tuloy na kwentuhan, pag nagkekwento sya hindi lang basta ambag na conversational, full blown story talaga, pero enjoy kami, chill, maganda yung mga ambag nya sa kwentuhan. Kanya kanyang share na.

Napakwento ako. May legit secret ako na mga sobrang sobrang kaclose ko lang nakakaalam. Yung alam kong magtatagal, yung alam kong kilalang kilala na'ko. So kwento kwento ako tapos hindi ko napansin para pala matuloy yung kwento ko kailangan ko sabihin yung secret na yun. (august edit: yung secret is 16 years old pa lang ako). Edi kasi nga ayoko sabihin, tinapos ko agad yung kwento, pero nahanap ni kite yung flaw. Tinanong nya yung tanong, nasabi ko. Nagulat din si enzo and melvin. Pero ayun usap usap lang, napunta sa kung ano yung mga pangarap, ano yung mga plano. Sabi nya magllaw sya. Simula nung sinabi nya yun, buong gabi kino-convince ko lang sya na wag mag law. Nakita ko kasi yung kung pano sya magkwento, magisip, magsalita. Nakita ko sa mata nya yung pagkatao nya. Sobrang involved ko sa politics, alam kong pag pinasok nya yun, mamatay yung kinang ng mata nya. Alam kong hindi yun yung para sa kanya.

Pagkatapos nung gabing yun pabalik na kami sa ust, pinaexplain ko sa kanya kung ano yung shit tungkol sa zodiacs. pinaliwanag nya, na gusto nya may pinanghahawakan etc. etc. Sobrang rational, and logical ko na hindi ako makapaniwalang mapapapaniwala nya'ko dun. Ewan ko. Putangina sabi ko hindi pwede to ngayon lang to nangyari. Pero natapos yung gabi na hindi ko na iniisip yun, sinusubukan ko lang iconvince si melvin na wag mag business management, and si enzo na wag mag pilot.

kinekwento na ni kite yung mga lovelife nya. nasabi nya na pag nalaman nyang nagkakagusto sa kanya, pine-preemptive supalpal nya, finefriendzone, or tinotropa. Basta ganung sense. Naisip ko tangina hindi ko pa alam kung may gusto ako sa kanya pero alam ko na lalabas at lalabas yun sa actions ng lalaki pag meron na. Makikita yun sa mata. So habang nagkakakilanlan kami, pinipilit ko na na hindi talaga ako yung tipo ng lalaki na nagkakagusto. hindi ako naniniwala sa love. pag may nagustuhan ako hindi ko kinakausap kasi extreme torpe ako. Lahat naman yun totoo, pero mas ineelaborate ko para kahit anong mangyari hindi nya paghinalaan na nagkakagusto ako sa kanya, kahit mabasa nya sa mata ko, wala wala wala.

eh kahit ganun, gago ako eh. so sinubukan ko ipakita, iparamdam. gusto ko kasi matapos na bago pako mahulog. gusto ko sabihin nya na wala na kahit wala pa. gusto ko umiwas na sya. ayoko ng may ibang iniisip. namomroblema na'ko sa pulitikat acads, dumadagdag pa sya. pero wala. hindi umiiwas, nagyaya pa nga manood ng sine. dalawang beses ko na napanood yung beauty and the beast pero sabi ko sa kanya isang beses pa lang, tapos tinulugan ko pa, kaya pumayag ako na manood kami. tangina 1500 nagastos ko nun eh sobrang tipid ko namumuhay ako sa singkwenta buong araw na yun. hindi ko alam bakit hindi nya parin malaman laman. kahit si enzo binubuking na'ko pag nagkekwentuhan. yung tipong pag nagbibigay sya ng description, akong ako.

late ko na lang narealize na antanga nya pala. hindi nya kaya magbasa ng tao. kahit kaya nya, ayaw nya. si karl nirereplyan parin nya, etc etc. kaya pala ginagawa ni enzo yun kasi gusto nya ipakita’t ipaintindi sakin na ganun si kite. kaya hindi nya tinuloy kasi nasasayang daw oras nya. pero ako kasi tangina pag nagdecide ako, kahit 10 years pa yan ayos lang. Maghihintay kung maghihintay. Si enzo nababagalan na sakin kasi umabot na ng isang buwan wala pakong ginagawa. sinasabi ko sa kanya na kailangan talaga bagalan para di nya malaman, para di sya umiwas.

umabot na sa point na tinanong ko na sa kanya. hindi ba nya nakikita, bakit hindi sya umiiwas. hanggang tinanong ko pano pag nagustuhan ko sya, putangina. pero nandun parin ako sa safe zone na kaya kinakausap ko sya kasi hindi pa'ko nahuhulog. sabi nya syempre ayaw nya ng commitment etc etc, pero sabi ko kung magugustuhan ko sya, hahayaan ko sya magexplore, sabi nya edi magexplore din ako. sabi ko sige ba. hanggang after mga 5 days (intrams na to) nung kinekwento nya sakin na kinausap na nya si karl. nung moment na yun, sinabi ko na, na bago pa kita magustuhan, may pagasa ba. yes, no, maybe. sabi nya maybe. sabi ko trap lang yung option na maybe. icoconsider ko na ‘no’ yun. after nun, wala na lahat ng feelings, controlado ko lahat ng emotions, glands, hormones ko. pag wala edi wala tapos na, tropa na. Sabi nya kaya daw maybe kasi natatakot sya magbitaw ng no agad kasi baka eventually, maging yes. sabi ko sa kanya so eto, no to ngayon, sabi nya oo, kung itetake ko na no yun, ok lang.

pero syempre, hindi ko naman talaga kontrolado sarili ko. yung nangyari na yun parang dagdag lang yun sa wall ko dapat na masasabi ko sa kanya na hindi talaga kita magugustuhan kasi ganito akong klase ng lalake. akala ko sobra sobra na yung defense ko.

Okay pa kami nung may kausap sya nung taga-mapua, blablabla pero nung panahon na yun pinipilit ko na sila magsama sa plantarium, para nga mageexplore sya. Pero ewan parang na-threat parin ako. Kaya medyo pagkatapos nun, Nakampante ako. Naging sweet ako sa kanya. Iniisip ko reverse psychology, pag ginawa ko yun, masasanay sya, iisipin nya wala lang. pero sumobra ata ako. ginagawa ko na hanggang chat. di ko na mapigilan sarili ko lagi ko syang cinocompliment tapos nagtatampo ako pag cold sya. kasabay ko maglunch, pinupuntahan ko lagi, sagad sa effort, wala akong pera pero lahat ng kaya ko buhos lahat. putangina nakakabobo pala no. sabi ko nung bata ako babae ang mauunang magkagusto sakin bago ako. Ako yung liligawan. Di pala napaplano yung mga ganung bagay.

pero sabi ko ok lang. kuntento na naman ako sa kaibigan lang muna. tutal dapat alam nya na naman. okay na yung set up na andito lang ako as tropa tapos papanoorin ko lang sya na lumandi, sumama sa iba, tapos ako din, chill lang. Mas maganda na din yung ganun. At least mas madami kaming mapaguusapan and mas makikilala ko sya. pero ayun nga. may something eh.

kaya ngayon hindi ko na maintindihan. parang may //something’s up.// sakin kasi hindi ko na talaga alam. nagiging cold-ish and awkward na sya pag personal or sa chat. iba yung atmosphere. ako din ganun. pero binigyan nya'ko ng 56 pesos na chocolates na dalawang kagat lang sakin. Palusot nya, binigyan ko din kasi sya the day before pero sobrang liit nun alam kong hindi ganun yung equivalent nun. di ko alam kung pano ko iinterpret. di ko talaga sya mabasa. tapos kanina pinakita nya yung sinulat nya sa notebook nya. may poem tungkol sa ayaw nya maubusan ng istorya pero sa first page may drawing ng lalaki na nagyoyosi and short haired na girl. nasa rooftop. tinanong ko kung sino yun. sabi nya kami daw. sabi ko ah oo nga pala nagpromise ako sayo na dadalhin kita sa rooftop no.

so yan na yun. lahat. context. etc.

bakit kaya hindi ako kinakausap ni kite?

————

ka-chat ko si chelsey nyan. ang alam ko sa kanya nagoopen up si kite from time to time. di sila close publicly pero lumalabas sila paminsan minsan. day and night kinakausap ko non si chelsey. nasa singapore sya non pero send lang ako ng send. biglang huminto si kite sa pagkausap sakin. mahal ko na sya non pero walang kami. di ko kaya. ang sakit sakit na nun. dun ako unang nakaramdam ng ganon. sabi ko kay chelsey kausapin nya si kite tapos sabihin sakin kung bakit di ako kinausap at kung bakit nagdeactivate ng fb. binullshit lang ni kite si chelsey non. sabi nya sad sya tas gusto nya na ulit mag law. papatayin nya na yung sarili nya yada yada. ang totoong dahilan pala is nagseselos sya kay chelsey. wow. two weeks later, naging kami.

———–

that excerpt from my convo with chelsey was my first monthsary gift to christel.

[lanznjsh]

Excerpt:

*Unang araw/gabi na nagkwentuhan kami ni christel sa chat. Hindi pa kami close*

MARCH 10

wah iba iba genre nyan kaya güdlück sa pag pili huhu

Mojojojo waahh omg thank u ngayon mo lang ba ginawa yan ang effort hhhh

Uu bored si acoe eh huhu no pröb

MAR 10TH, 3:53PM

ty nagdodownload na lahat and im watching tales from the friendzone rn HAHAHA ay except baka sakaling hindi makarating and others na napanuod ko naka

musta naman tales from the friendzone HAHAAH

MAR 10TH, 5:54PM medyo masakit wahahahaha funnypero di ako makarelate pa

"pa"gusto mo ba makarelate hahahshshsah

ako kasi yung nangffriendzone kaya naaawa lang ako sa kanila 

wow iba din 

jk hahahaha wala lang parang im missing out on the point of these things kasi i cant write about something ive never experienced.

exactly hahaha kaya nga diba ok lang na masaktan basta may masulat AHAHHA #writerlogic

Hahahahaha wow galing pero i mean ill be able to appreciate all these stories naman from an outside perspective. medyo for the the longest time i see romance as petty stories kasi ang dali humugot ng conflict pero lately ko lang narealize na yung delivery and pagsolve sa conflict yung nagpapaganda sa kwento. Sobrang authentic ng emotions para maging maganda yung kwento. Naeenjoy ko pero yun yung wala ako ang saya panoorin ng 500 days of summer and eternal sunshine and 50 first dates

kasi dun mo lang naeexperience yung di mo maexperience hmm

hala oo nga no what what what nagccrave ako ng love stories ngayon eh

sus ang dami dami

ano to HAHAHAHHAA * insert: screen cap na minura ni kite si enzo sa groupchat “enzo puta ka”-*

si enzo kasi eh huhuhuhuhu

ano nangyari HAHAHAHAHAAH

kilala mo si karlyung nasa shortfilm ni izzy

oo

ayun HAHAHAHAHAHA

anomeron

yun iniinis sakin lagi ni enzo tas shinare ko yung shortfilm ni izzy tas nag comment nung smirk na emoji wAh

ayiieee HAHAHAHHA

ayaw q kasi inaaway aq nung gf 

hala

yuh huhuhu 

[lanznjsh]

Excerpt:

"...he was still the perfect person to be with. When I'm with him, I am happy."

I love you

will i ever be the perfect person to be with

You already are I love you, okay? Ikaw ang perfect person para sakin 

hayyyy feeling ko lang di ko matatapatan yung ganon

There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice. I pick your love po no one else's 

what type of love

Selfless Everlasting insert more cheesy words

sige lang i need all the cheesy words there is 

  “Hay. I love you, okay? Alam mo kung gaano ako ka-in love kay Karl dati, and alam mo rin kung gaano ako ka-heartbroken sakanya. Kaya siguro mahirap siya sundan kasi sobra ko talaga siyang minahal. Pero, Lanz, every day na magkausap tayo, tuwing magkasama tayo, iniisip ko kung bakit nga ba si Karl yung pinipili ko lagi. Siguro kasi siya yung una kong nakaclose. Siguro kasi may past kami. Kaya ko siya pinang hawakan ko siya ng sobra. I held onto his words. Magaling siya don eh. Sobra. And siguro akala ko siya lang yung makakapag feel sa'kin ng ganon. Pero you came along. Sobrang galing mo. Mag kwento. Mag isip. I was fascinated. Hindi ko alam na may ganto palang klase nang tao. And every day, I cant help not talking to you. I needed to hear more of your stories. Every day, I wanted to be with you. Ayaw kitang mawala sa'kin. Kahit nga simpleng usap niyo lang ni Chelsey, nagseselos na 'ko. When you told me you love me, hindi ko alam gagawin ko. Mahal ko pa si Karl non, pero bakit ko pa ba siya mahal? Bakit ko pa siya pinanghahawakan? You showed me how much you loved me. You showed me kung gaano mo ko kamahal, and kung paano. You loved me selflessly. You never gave up on me kahit ka-give up give up na ako. You understood all of my messed up stories, and you stayed. You're the one I need, Lanz. I love you. So much. And I'll try my hardest to prove that to you. I love you.”

I love you too nanaginip ako kagabi nasa plaza mayor nagpapractice kayo ng sayaw partner daw kayo ni karl tapos ang sweet nung sayaw yung parang ballad na ewan pinapanood ko lang kayo katabi ko si chelsey tsaka si justin tapos tinanong ko si chelsey may dahilan ba'kong magselos meron malamang sabi nya tapos sabi ni justin hindi mo kailangan ng dahilan magselos kasi hindi naman choice yan. pag naramdaman mo, naramdaman mo. wala ka nang magagawa

sabi ko hindi ko sila kaya panoorin ano gagawin ko sabi ni chels “umalis ka na lang muna” tapos umalis ako dirediretso pa-pnoval tapos gumaan yung pakiramdam ko tapos natapos na di ko na maalala kung anong kasunod natakot lang ako kasi sa tunay na buhay hinding hindi ko kaya gawin yun hinding hindi ako aalis masakit lang pero i'll always stay kaya siguro ganito sorry ang fragile ko pero kailangan ko din yung reassurance ay naalala ko pagkaalis ko bumalik pa pala ako tapos niyakap mo'ko pumunta si karl kay kai tapos umalis si justin pero si justin nagpaalam ng maayos nung umalis ako dirediretso lang ako e cool

pag pinapakinggan ko to feeling ko naguusap kami ni karl

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGWHQ2osiO0 

[lanznjsh]

Kaylan ba'ko mauubusan ng dahilan para umiyak?

[lanznjsh]

May mas sasakit pa ba dito?

Oo. Kapag nagbalikan na tapos naghiwalay ulit kayo.

[lanznjsh]

idea dump

meron ako ditong anoparang nakareserve lang for big production

walang main character

tas magkakaiba silaay 

sigee, pabasa minsan hahaha

mahirap basahin HAHAHAHA

puro arrow tsaka circles

~Ay sige sige hahahaha

parang plot device lang walang kwento

may lgbt, tas may athlete, tas may couple din, may nerd, may gamer etc

tas magkahalo na yung story tungkol sa couple nakahiwalay sa kwento nilang lahat

tas yung boy sa couple, gamer syatas isang kwento tungkol sa pagiging gamer

kasi parang outcast din silapero andun yung friendship na nabubuo, yung late nights na masaya, yung nagsisigawan sila tas pag nananalo etc

damn, solid ideas mo hahahahatas yung isang gamer bading sya na closeted so may hiwalay syang kwento na paguwi nya sa bahay iiyak sya kasi mga kasama nya sa comshop puro lalaki

so may solo story sya tungkol as pagiging bading

naisip ko kasi non

parang pag sa isang section diba

lahat magkakakilala

pero lahat may tagiisang kwento

tipong lahat tayo magkakahiwalay yung buhay

~Oo

pero dahil magkakakilala tayo

in a way

connected din

tas naapektuhan natin isat isa

tas sabi ko non

~Yes yes

kung may balak ako gumawa ng sandamakmak na short film tulad ni grix at ni melvin

gagawin ko na lang na connected lahat

para kahit puro small projects lang

mukhang big time

~HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA pero magandang idea yun kasi parang bumubuo ka sarili mong universe

~since connected sila

ay oo nga no

parang marvel

shit

tamad lang talaga ako gumawa ng character development HAHAHAHAHAHA

~Hahahahhahaha ayos lang atleast kaya naman iimprove hehehe

[lanznjsh]

for each lie contains an indispensable truth 030817918

[lanznjsh]

Ewan. Concept. Ata.

Naguusap si boy and girl

"blablabla" "blablabla"

Boy: Tayo na lang kaya?

bago sumagot si girl, hihinto yung buong scene/ magsslowmo

may lalabas na choices tsaka may nakalistang factors sa desisyon nya

-gusto nya din si guy

-baka nagbibiro lang si guy

-may ex dati si guy na iniwan sya sa ere

-etc etc

choices (tentative):

a.) Oo nga, siguro pwede no? b.) Naka-move on ka na ba

c.) Sigurado ka ba dyan

 tapos ipapakita yung mga posible mangyari pag yun yung ginawa tapos kung ano pa yung next so bali may a.1, a.2, a.3, b.1 ... and so on.

tapos syempre plot twist sa dulo

di ko pa alam kung ano basta meron

basta siguro parang sherlock shit pero hindi talaga parang nagiinvestigate ng past events. tipong ipapakita yung future na pwede mangyari. parang chess kumbaga. yung pag nagiisip ka kung anong tamang gawin o tamang sabihin kasi parang may magkakaibang mga events yung pwede mangyari tas lahat yon pwedeng maging reality.

Backstory: Yung isang tito ko ikakasal na sila ng girlfriend nya. Hindi sumipot yung babae. Naghintay lang lahat ng bisita pati yung lalaki sa harap ng altar. Na-cancel yung wedding. Yung reception naging inuman. Yung tito ko may bestfriend sya na babae pero sobrang platonic. Eventually, mga 2 years later tinanong nung tito ko sa bespren nya na sila na lang daw kaya magpakasal. Tipong pwede na nila pagusapan yon ng ganon lang. Tinanong ni girl kung nakamove on na ba sya which is the perfect response. Ayun kinasal din sila. Yay.

[lanznjsh]

Pagmulat; Pagsulat

Dati ang hilig ko sa mga pa-deep na words. May listahan pako non ng unfamilliar words na iniincorporate ko sa mga poetry and sa short stories ko. Mga tagalog words na hindi kadalasan ginagamit. Banayad, amihan, hapag, palugit, atbp. Ewan. Narealize ko na lang na sa kakapilit ko magtunog deep o matalino, nawawala na yung essence talaga ng pagsusulat ko. Pinipilit ko na lang magkaron ng sense yung mga salita na pinaglalalagay ko o kaya susubukan ko ipag-rhyme. Nababasa ko yung mga gawa ni haedric pati nung iba pang trip din magsulat ng kung ano ano. May mga bagay talagang nakakapagpa-tunog pretentious sa pagsusulat nila. Nakakaumay kasi basahin. Hindi ka na nagsusulat para maglahad ng message. Nagsusulat ka na lang kasi gusto mo maging hipster or magtunog cool. Pero siguro dumadaan din tayong lahat sa ganung phase. Ako kasi as much as possible sinisimplehan ko na lang din talaga. Kaya din siguro ok ako sa twitter pagdating sa mga tweets kasi simple pero may message. May dating. 

Masakit din basahin para sakin yung sobrang daming adjectives na sunod sunod. Alluring, beautiful, blossoming, colorful, wonderful woman. Wow. Umay. Narealize ko na ang nakakapagpakilig is yung feeling and emotion sa sinusulat. Hindi talaga yung puro describe. Dapat bawat description sinusulit. Kung colorful or blinding sya dahil sa sobrang ganda nya, sulitin mo yung description na yon. Ikwento mo. Wag mo sabihin lang. Mauubusan ka kasi ng adjectives sinasabi ko sayo. Kahit hindi naman pagpapakilig. Kumbaga kung ideedscribe mo si Marcos pwede mo na ilista lahat ng masamang salita na pwede itawag sa kanya pero mas maganda kung sa bawat isang description may follow-up ka. Tipong mageelaborate ka sa isang idea. Kung selfish, irelate sa pera and greed yung mga phrase na gagamitin. etc. etc.

Kung ako sayo. pag gusto mo magsulat ng maganda, dapat straight to the point. sabihin mo yung gusto mo sabihin. Maganda yung may set up pero kung puro pambubulaklak lang ng salita yung gagawin mo, kahit yung main idea mo, tunog set up parin.

Eto sample ng gawa ko nung 2014 and 2017 tas try nyo icompare. Parehas yan intro/ first paragraph.

(2014) This is a true story of a young kid who has a skill of not doing anything or doing everything at the same time. Well, as you know, that I will not anymore tell this kid's name because we must, of course, avoid any embarrassment this short story might cause this certain lazy kid. 

Cringe gago... Eto sinulat ko 2017

(2017) He never was a natural conversationalist. He had to think of what to talk about beforehand. He needed to prepare questions. And each day his list of things to talk about just gets thinner and thinner. He tried to pretend as if he's preoccupied by other matters, staring at his phone, checking his watch, staring at the trees, hoping that he would appear somehow busy, desperately trying to hide his discomfort, and praying sincerely that the woman he walks with does not feel the same way.

Ewan sana may nagets ka kahit ano puta nag rant lang ako e.

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