Late to Arkham

Nitpick ALL the things!

[latetoarkham]

Blackgate Prisoners

-"Don't worry. It will only hurt when you breathe." I am such a massive jerk. I know I'm a good guy and everything, but I do not appear to be letting that get in my way. Also, it's a marvel anyone bothers surrendering to me by Arkham City when they should know I'll beat them unconscious anyway.

-Oh, of course the Bat-Jingle Bells song has caught on here.

-This is the second time I've told Gordon that I apprehended a scumbag. I really need new material. Figuratively and literally, because my suit is a mess due to my combat strategy being "suck slightly less at fighting than your opponents do."

-"There's another Blackgate PRISONER at my location. Put him somewhere dark." Well that shouldn't be too hard to manage, considering it's three in the morning if the church bells are accurate. Also, why do the subtitles have PRISONER in capital letters like that? Looks like I need a Bat-Proofreader.

-"Gordon. This one's lost it." Or he was just in the middle of saying something before I elbowed him in the throat. For all I know, he could have had a whole speech planned after "The Joker chose me," but I pulled a Kanye on him before he could continue.

-Why doesn't a single thug in this entire city have the brains to run away from me?

[latetoarkham]

Enigma's HQ and a Few Extortion Files

-Even the super genius here can't keep cockroaches out of his headquarters. Gotham is screwed.

-Having played Arkham Asylum and Arkham City, I kind of wish Enigma had released that blackmail info on Quincy Sharp.

-Enigma has a calendar with a poledancer on it. This has been a public disservice announcement.

-You'd think the self-proclaimed intellectual would know better than to have started smoking.

-What do you mean you have another file? It's that damn datapack that I see when I use your elevator, isn't it? But I want to know what the super dirty secret is!

[latetoarkham]

Bird is the Word

-This is the crappiest club music I have ever heard. But at least I've heard that the Bird is the word.

-"Come down from your perch, then, so I can keel you." Apparently Jeff Dunham met Bird at some point

-This is the second time some thug has told me they're my worst nightmare right before I KO them.

-How much dirt does Enigma need on Alberto Falcone? The city isn't going to freak out that much if they learn that a mob boss' son is crazy and has criminal ties.

-Listen to that raspy voice. Alberto Falcone gets to join the Green Goblin club along with Firefly.

-I really hope Enigma put these extortion files here in person. "What are you doing over there?" "Blackmailing people." "Oh, okay. Carry on." I also hope he wore that stupid adorable sweater-vest when he did it.

-Now Bird has a dollar-sign bag full of money, too. must be a trend.

-Yuck. That right there is why you don't taxiderm ostriches.

[latetoarkham]

Blackgate Revisited

-If I'm trying to be careful when crossing the electrified water, maybe I shouldn't be Bat-flipping 2 inches away from the surface whenever I get on a Remote Claw line.

-Why do all the criminals have guns if they're trying to take me in alive? That chanting earlier shows that they know Joker doesn't want them to kill me.

-The Joker appears to have TP'd an entire prison. Gotta admire the guy's dedication.

-He's doing pushups with his feet on the bed and sassing me at the same time? Oh my gosh Deathstroke is so cool.

-What do you mean you're going to savor every moment of beating me to death, absurdly huge guy? Weren't you listening when Joker said to bring me in alive?

-The scars on Bane's forehead make him look like he has angry eyebrows, and that's wonderful.

-Okay, Bane's TN-1 transformation scene somehow manages to be even grosser than the Titan transformations from Arkham Asylum. Just...eeeewwww.

-Regina George Bane punched me through a wall. It was awesome.

-Look at all those padlocks on the bookshelf. Guess we don't want the books to escape. They already have really long...sentences.

-I choose to believe that Deathstroke was doing pushups nonstop this entire time.

[latetoarkham]

Firefly

-Does this guy think he's Firefly or the Green Goblin? Gotta say, I'm not impressed with the way he talks. Sweet jetpack, though. 

-Geez, Gordon's almost as stubborn as I am.

-The hostages are calling me a hero? Oh, boy! Screw what I just told Alfred, being praised is awesome.

-All of a sudden, I'm really glad this boss fight takes place in winter. It's probably still unbearably hot, but at least I can make snow angels and cool off when I'm done. Also, Firefly's dialogue is way better than it was earlier. I guess you could say I'm...warming up to him.

-Isn't that cute? There's a Blaze Comics truck on the bridge.

-I'd be more concerned about Alfred's life if I hadn't already played Arkham Asylum and Arkham City.

-Well color me not surprised at all by Joker breaking out.

-Not being able to save like three people is a really crappy reason for deciding to not save anyone ever again. Thank goodness Alfred talked me out of that one.

[latetoarkham]

Bane (Part 1)

-Holy smokes. Bane's ripped even when he isn't on Venom. 

-Disregard what I just said, Alfred. You should totally call Gordon.

-It's snowing inside this sewer.

-"I need to use my Glue Grenade to make a raft." I would normally make a joke about not being able to swim in like five feet of water, but I can completely understand not wanting to swim through a sewer.

-"It is said 'that which does not kill you makes you stronger.' But that which makes you stronger, can often kill you." That is the deepest version of that phrase I have ever heard.

-Thanks for making this recording in English, Bane. Saves me a whole lot of trouble eavesdropping.

-What do you mean the weigh plates don't have anything written on them? I want to know how much Bane benches, dang it!

-Oh crap. Maybe if I give Bane enough Venom, he'll forget my identity?

[latetoarkham]

Royal Hotel

-My present is Bane? Does he come with a manual? Because I don't know what to feed him, or what kind of protein powder he uses, or where my local Venom supplier is, or anything. Also, now I really want to see him with a pretty little ribbon bow on his head.

-I wouldn't call the snowman bomb explosion "massive," Vicky. Maybe "medium." 

-What am I saying? Of course I want Gordon's help. I may not need allies, but they could still come in handy.

-It must have been a real pain to get all these custom Joker cards made. They're not even the same size as regular playing cards.

-Whoa. Now THAT was a massive explosion, Vicky. 1 building is massive. One room of one building is not.

[latetoarkham]

Shiva (part 1)

-Shiva's ninjas are still kicking my butt and all, but doesn't making them wear red defeat the whole "stealth" thing?

-Why would the game designers make a detailed, perfectly circular coin, then give it a hexagon outline so it looks shoddily drawn from a distance?

[latetoarkham]

Deadshot

-Deadshot is such a terrible boss (as in employer, not enemy). I've only taken out one guy, and Floyd here is pointing his gun at his lackeys and yelling at them for being lazy and not finding me yet.

-"Come on, Batman. Show me that pretty face of yours." OMG he thinks I'm pretty? What a nice guy. Also, that definitely counts as flirting. The List O' Flirting Villains now includes Deathstroke, Hatter, and Deadshot.

[latetoarkham]

The Steel Mill (featuring Copperhead)

-Goodness me. I haven't seen a single cockroach yet. There is a crapton of money lying around, though. If I (Batman, not the cheapskate writing the blog) wasn't already obscenely rich, I would seriously consider confiscating some of that. It's just lying on the floor, that means it's up for grabs.

-Why do I think there's something different about the Joker? He's crazy and he kills people. That sounds pretty normal for criminals in Gotham.

-"Well, the boss also thinks that green and purple are an acceptable color combo." Watch out, we got a fashionista over here. Also, somewhere Edward Nashton Nigma is disappointed, and he doesn't know why.

-"I can use my evidence scanner to examine the body for clues." Well, it was probably one of the two female assassins, since we just heard a woman laughing. And since the victim isn't bleeding and is still in one piece, my money's on Copperhead.

-Sure. I'll get in the elevator that the formerly fleeing dead guy just used and go in the opposite direction that he did. What could possibly go wrong?

-Isn't that lovely. There's enough moss/mold in the first aid room to keep all the cockroaches away.

-Eeeewwwww. I have never seen so many severed heads, hands, and feet in one place. I also now have "Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes" stuck in my head.

-"Test Subject 248?" Geez, that sounds a tad excessive.

-What is the point of cutting people up and putting them in jars and open-air barrels if you leave an entire dead person on the floor?

-All of a sudden, I don't think I want to know what's in those boxes going by on the assembly line.

-Ugh. Cockroaches. Just when I thought I finally found somewhere that didn't have any.

-I've been drugged by Copperhead, and now I'm talking like a drunk Captain Kirk.

-Cool! Roman Sionis (or possibly Joker) almost hired David Cain (criminal dad of one of the Batgirls) to go after me?

-Oh my gosh. Roman has an actual bag full of money with a dollar sign on it. Real mature, buddy.

-I know I'm dying of neurotoxin and all, but some idiot totally wrote "To not erase" on a whiteboard. "To not erase?" But what if I want do?

-Smoke-Loeb, I really don't think smacking a steel bar with the flat of your hand is going to help you that much.

-No, you'd totally still be dead without me, Smoke-Bank Manager. There would just be one fewer person watching you laugh yourself to death.

-Is there any reason Copperhead wouldn't be able to escape that truck? Isn't one of her defining characteristics the ability to escape anything?

-Now I really want Copperhead to meet Scarecrow: "You kill people with toxins? Oh my gosh, I kill people with toxins, too! We have so much in common!"

[latetoarkham]

Gotham Merchant's Bank (spoiler alert)

-The BANK has cockroaches, too? Is there any building in this entire city that doesn't have dozens of bugs crawling all over the floor?

-The Roman-Joker switch would have been way more shocking if I had bought the game when it came out instead of being a cheapskate and accidentally seeing gifs of it on Tumblr several times before the price went down.

[latetoarkham]

The Mad Hatter

-I gotta hand it to Jervis' henchmen. They are really good at singing. Perhaps one day they will learn to say "sir."

-Why don't any of Hatter's mind-controlled minions wear actual hats? It's not like he has a shortage of them.

-No, Jervis, we don't see eye to eye because your stringy 5-inch bangs are obscuring your face.

-Other than the trippy mushrooms, Wonderland's kind of lacking in the wonder department. Oh, look. The flowers have faces. Never mind.

-I'm going to be very disappointed if I don't have to fight a Jabberwock.

-For goodness' sake! Even Wonderland has cockroaches. That's how badly infested this stupid city is. 

-"You are my Humpty Dumpty, Batman... You'll be mine forever." Hatter may now join Deathstroke on the list of bad guys who might be flirting with me.

-Curse my complete inability to swim. Oh, I'm rafting across scalding hot tea. Never mind. Everythign makes perfect sense now.

-Oh, crap. Don't cry, Jervis. Whatever you do, don't freaking cry. I remember when he was crying in Arhkam City after I beat his level and just would not stop. I took forever trying to scan the tea party at the right angle for Edward's riddle and I had to listen to him wailing the entire time till I finally pressed Mute. He was probably at risk of getting dehydrated.

-Not-Alice, I understand that you're traumatized and all, but you might want to leave the building that your unconscious kidnapper is still inside.

[latetoarkham]

Penguin's Boat and a Little Bit of Gotham

-I think Deathstroke's flirting with me. That, or he can't decide whether or not I suck at fighting.

-Wow. A frowny snowman. Someone went to all the trouble of building a snowman as tall as I am, then put a frowny face on it.

[latetoarkham]

Le Gotham Radio Tower

-Okay, first of all, who names a plaza "Jezebel?" Is there some famous person named Jezebel I don't know about? Because all I can think of are negative connotations.

-Bane's data entry says he's a "master tactician." Apparently, no one told Bane that, since his Arkham City tactics consist of "charge in a straight line and hope Batman doesn't dodge because there's a cage right behind him."

-Was it really necessary to print like 30 foreclosure notices for the same building?

-Enigma, is that a sweater vest? Are you actually wearing a sweater vest in winter? How do you expect to keep your arms warm? 

NOTE: I've been a bit slack on taking notes after this point, so the next couple of entries are going to cover a lot of plot stuff without much commentary.  I'll start taking more notes again now I know I'm going to be posting them.

[latetoarkham]

Even More Blackgate: Featuring Killer Croc

-Good heavens. Waylon's barely mauled anybody and he's surrounded by targets. Where does all that restraint go by the time Arkham Asylum starts? He had a freaking shock collar and he wouldn't stop making death threats.

-And now I've picked a fight with him because apparently I'm really stupid in addition to being a gosh-darn noob.

-Also, he sounds vaguely British.

-Now he's calling me a piece of meat. Everyone's a piece of meat, Croc. We are made out of mea-you know, maybe I shouldn't be telling him this.

-Hi, Gordon. Thank you for not shooting at me as I clamber into my Bat-plane.

-Alfred (or whoever says this line), Killer Croc isn't a "human-shaped crocodile," he's a crocodile-textured human. Get it right.

[latetoarkham]

More Blackgate

-Oh, ick. There are cockroaches all over the Medical Ward floor. And everywhere else, but the Medical ward is pretty high up on the list of places cockroaches should not be.

-But wait, there's more. Bat-me has also spotted bloody surgical tools lying around on a tray.

-I don't think I could sneak through the ventilation system any more loudly unless I put roller skates on my knees.

-Lovely. There are theater-style chairs next to the execution chamber because apparently no one knows what TV is.

[latetoarkham]

Blackgate

Okay, first off, there are 7 prisoners in a cell with only 2 beds and 1 toilet. In what universe is this considered acceptable? Maybe they had to move a bunch of inmates into one cell b/c Black Mask & co. are wrecking everything.

And apparently it's possible to KO a guy by punching him in the butt. I love the combat glitches in this game.