Imperfect for 29 years & counting

Trust me i know what's best... at least what's kind of okay...

[laughwithphee]

Shout out to my dog lovers! Woof Woof Woof

So I am scared of dogs.

Maury had a whole sub-genre of shows where he would invite people that had fears and then horrifically fuck with them by throwing their fears in their face. 

And we all watched it. 

We all left school ten minutes early to make sure we could come home and watch it. 

We all bribed our older brothers to make sure we had a full hour to watch the show. 

We all taped them on VHS to re watch the episodes we loved. 

We all did that. 

So stop pretending… 

Anyways this isn’t the road I wanted to go down but here we are. 

What I was trying to say is, it’s not nice to make fun of other people's fears. 

So I am scared of dogs and I am sick and tired of having to explain it. 

People have fears. 

Afraid of the dark, or bees, or birds and I have never felt the need to ask them why. 

100% of the time I tell someone I am scared of dogs they are like...

“Can you unpack that for me?” 

“Can you tell me your trauma right now?” 

“Can you relive the incident so I can understand why you fucked up?”

People immediately take offence when I tell someone I am scared of dogs. As if I am speaking to their dog directly. 

I do not doubt your dog is a “Good Boy”. 

I do not think your dog is hideous. 

I do not enjoy the fear that takes over my body when I first run into a dog. 

The least fun thing for me is hearing a dog bark or seeing a dog running freely and having my back tense up, my legs stiffen, my heart rate speeds up, my eyes widen, and searching for the nearest exit. It’s not fun for me. 

So when I say I am scared of dogs just acknowledge there may be some back story we both don’t understand and your dog isn’t going to fix me by being my savior. 

There was a lady, lets call her Diane, who after I told her I was scared of dogs she brought her dog closer and demanded I pet her dogs ear. 

While his ear was fluffy my fear only increased. 

Now I ask what did Diane expect. 

Did she think I would pet his ear, my cold heart would break the curse, I would look at the dog and really see the dog, the dog would really see me, we would make passionate love, have a liter of children, give her the grand-puppies she always wanted, sign up for us all to move to Mars, we all happily pile up in a spaceship to head to our new home, while holding my children/puppies I look over at Diane. With a single tear in my eye I mouth “Thank you”. We blast off into the sky and live happily ever after. 

I may have exaggerated just a taste but come on Diane. 

This is my trauma I need to unpack so don’t take it personal. 

THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU DIANE.

[laughwithphee]

Ugly Baby

I had an Aunty that loved to remind me that I used to be an ugly baby. 

On holidays, on my birthday, every Sunday we would go to her house to watch the latest Oliver sketch show or newest Tyler Perry play. She would loudly announce “You was a ugly baby you know”. 

Every time it would leave me feeling defeated. 

Then there was that one year. Where I found my backbone. She was in the middle or reminding me how gross I was when I was a baby and I cut her off, stood up, and declared… “I may have been an ugly baby, but I grew up to be a beautiful swan”.

My mother rubbed my back non verbally to tell me “well done thy good and faithful servant”. (Servant, cause she knew she was going to have me wash dishes when I got back to the house). 

I flattened out my dress and happily sat back down on the couch. Mid squat to slap my cheeks on the cushion seats she laughed uproariously. 

Cleared her throat. And off offhandedly said “you still ugly”. 

My cheeks went passed the seats and I fell into the depths of the couch. 

I write this to say sticks and stones may break my bones… but my aunties husband left her. 

So... who is ugly now??? 

Still me! Cause that is rude of me to poke fun at.

[laughwithphee]

Hallmark, Next.

This is the first year I have ever had something that resembled a romantic adult relationship. As an avid Hallmark movie watcher, I depend on Hallmark to tell me all the steps to pursue a relationship. They told me I would be in a small town at a button factory. Searching for the perfect button for our annual button convention. I am with my assistant, who is also my best friend and we just figured out which button would be perfect. I trip on nothing because I am quirky. Drop the button. Some handsome stranger who is there with a bachelor party picks it up and immediately wants it cause it reminds him of his mother that has passed. Uh oh… conflict. I hate him. My assistant… I mean best friend knows him and tells me he helps take care of his sick grandmother, he volunteers for big brother/sister program, he donated anonymously. I love him. There is a montage of us baking cookies and flicking flour into each others faces, running through a field of buttons, and just genuinely being in love and having the same thoughts and feelings. Hallmark lied to me! That is not what happened. We spent the four months downplaying how much we liked each other to be able to hide behind our walls.

We had very different thoughts and feelings. I told him walking through life was hard when you have people looking at you like you are not welcome in their space. He was moving through life as a CIS male that is white passing. He said it didn’t matter cause 98% of people were generally good. I asked him how long he has been a black woman. He said never. I said… He said people didn’t discriminate against him. I said… He said people don’t give credit to the growth as a society to where we are now compared to where we were years ago. I understand progression and I know I have it way easier than my grandparents, but I refuse to congratulate mediocrity. If I could tell young Phylicia a few things before she hits play on that next Hallmark movie. It’s perfectly okay to have different views. But it’s not okay to be with someone who dismisses your reality just because it’s not their own. You don’t need to lighten your skin, you don’t need to straighten your hair, but you should have kept playing the alto saxophone. We could have taken over the world with that skill. Hallmark may not be real but your reality is. Proudly stand in it and speak your truth.

[laughwithphee]

Matt Damon Improv moves to Batter days! #RepresentationMatters #MDI #annoyancetheatre #baseball

[laughwithphee]

Matt Damon Improv moves to Sadders Days! #RepresentationMatters #MDI #annoyancetheatre #puppets

[laughwithphee]

My Hallmark Synopsis

Opening scene inside a tiny gift shop in Seattle. The gift shop “Olivias Gifts” now belongs to her granddaughter Gwendolyn. Gwendolyn took over the gift shop when her grandmother died.

Next scene a businessman (Chauncey) arrives at the airport in Seattle to buy properties in the area where Olivia’s Gift shop is located. Chauncey has been struggling to keep it together ever since his wife passed 6 years ago... due to unknown reasons. (He didn’t kill her though this is Hallmark not lifetime).

Next scene. Chauncey’s daughter Tyanna wonders into Olivia’s gift shop to buy gifts for her friends. She meets Gwendolyn and instantly wants her dad to fall in love with her. Tyanna doesn’t like Tiff (her dads current girlfriend). Tiff can’t relate to Tyanna. Tiff tried to do Tyannas hair and commented how it was gross that her hair was greasy. Tyannas hair is 4c curly. It’s supposed to be greasy. Nobody likes Tiff. Everyone wants Chauncey to fall in love with Gwendolyn.

Next scene. We meet Patrick. Patrick is dating Gwendolyn. Patrick doesn’t know how to laugh or have fun. He is super handsome but also super the worst. Gwendolyn sees the good in him so we all think Gwendolyn has terrible judgement.

Next scene. The moment comes when Gwendolyn & Chauncey almost meet. Everything is set up perfectly for them to cross paths. They just miss each other. Instead Patrick and Tiff meet. This scene doesn’t last long because the audience doesn’t like what’s on the screen. (When we say audience we actually mean Phylicia sitting on her bed and watching on her laptop).

Next scene. Patrick is buying Patrick things. A watch. Tiff is buying Tiff things. A mirror. They back up into each other and don’t apologize... because they don’t have any manners. The clerk working at the store calls out the collision and then they acknowledge each other. They are both attractive and shallow. They match instantly. (Phylicia sighs). They exchange numbers. Patrick’s number is 1 digit different then Gwendolyn’s. Patrick gives Tiff Gwendolyn’s number.

Next scene. Tiff calls Gwendolyn. Before Gwendolyn answers Tiff blabs about how she can’t stop thinking about Patrick and the spark they had. Gwendolyn is devastated. She hangs up on Tiff. Tiff smiles because she thinks this is a game. Patrick smiles because he is dumb. Gwendolyn frowns because she just got the letter that they are trying to shut down the gift shop.

Next scene. Tyanna finds out her dad is trying to shut down the gift shop. She calls Gwendolyn and plans a talent show to save the shop. Because talent shows always save the day. (Phylicia rolls her eyes... but thinks about what talent she would showcase to shine).

Next scene. Everyone comes to the talent show. Patrick is there but doesn’t know how he got there or why his shirt is off. Gwendolyn breaks up with Patrick. Patrick is sad. He sees Tiff and like a child he forgets just the moment before when he was broken up with.

Next scene. Tyanna host the talent show. (Because why not?) Gwendolyn sings a really sad song. Maybe Nina Simon or Beyonce. Something sad. (Phylicia cries because she has a heart). Chauncey watches how beautifully sad Gwendolyn is. He feels something in his heart. It’s love. Tyanna sees the way her dad looks at Gwendolyn and knows he is in love. Tiff sees the way Chauncey looks at Gwendolyn and knows he is in love. Patrick looks at Patrick and knows he is in love. (Phylicia’s grub hub arrives and knows she is in love).

To be continued...

[thequintab]

Watch my first other experience.

Watch up for adoption.: Pilot on go90! http://www.go90.com/a/L9FssqKGNy8

[thequintab]

I wrote this. I star in it. Please watch and enjoy. Love ya.

[ebyenchanted]

This is good Quinta!

[thequintab]

thanks girlllllll

[theartofbullshittin]

I’m three episodes deep,it’s so good, and I’m like wait that’s it i need more!!

[brown-hearts]

Putting this on my to watch list

[thequintab]

Episode 2: http://www.go90.com/a/38br-MIxrOU 

 Episode 3: http://www.go90.com/a/YjewIyJiSTM 

 Episode 4: http://www.go90.com/a/3hkkCVTolz8

[blacarbonk]

I love this!!!

[thequintab]

i love yall.

[laughwithphee]

for later!

[laughwithphee]

Will one day live in a nation where people will not be judged by race, sexual orientation, religion, or sex but by the content of their character.

My morning mantra - thanks to Martin Luther King Jr.

[laughwithphee]

Dig Yourself Out Of That Tunnel!

It always makes me feel some type of way when people say America is more divided then ever. I would like to know if America has ever not been divided? Was there not a race or religion we didn't call an enemy? Someone that we didn't know anything about (because why ask) that since we didn't understand we feared. Please keep in mind that just because you yourself didn't experience a divide doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I recognize my privilege as well as my oppression. Just because I received certain opportunities doesn't mean everyone was on the same plane field. I truly don't understand how people can not see beyond their tunneled vision.

[theonion]

Radiator Saving Single Loudest Clank For 3:32 A.M.

[laughwithphee]

I needed this! I hope this brings everyone joy!

[laughwithphee]

If you don't personally know an individual from a group of individuals that you are judging... Then you shouldn't flap your lips.

Looking at you Steve Harvey

[laughwithphee]

Nappy Headed

From a young age I was lead to believe that my hair being nappy was unacceptable. Nappy has this terrible stigma to it. The other day someone told me my hair was nappy and I was instantly embarrassed. I was ashamed. Wanted to deny it. Nappy means tight and coiled hair. Which is exactly what my hair is. But instead of taking it like that, I instantly felt insecure.

I would have my mom use a hot comb on my hair. If you are unfamiliar with a hot comb, I will describe this experience as I remember as a child. You walk into a room with a faint burning smell. I sat down in front of my mom and was filled with regret. The burnt smell is much closer now, close enough to taste it. Then comes the moment when I feel it. Heat rises on the back of my neck and my back snaps into a curled position. My mom scolds me to hold straight or she might burn me. Might has a different meaning when it comes to my forehead. Somehow and someway my forehead was always the sacrifice. I used to have this huge bang that my brothers would always make fun of. If only they knew what laid beneath the curl. A 2 ½ inch burn right across my forehead. I am surprised I even have feeling in that part of my face. Anywho just talking about the heat on the back of my head brings me back to being 12 and terrified that my life would be ended. Death by back of the neck heat consumption. That’s a thing. Goggle it. Just kidding, don’t quote me on that. Unless it’s true. Did I even describe the hot comb yet? At this point it’s self explanatory. It’s a comb that’s hot that straightens your hair. Straightens your hair for maybe 3 hours.

I would also have my mom use a relaxer. If you are unfamiliar with a relaxer I will describe this experience as I remember as a child. You walk into a room with a faint chemical smell. I sat down in front of my mom and was filled with regret. Again. How did I get tricked into this again? The relaxer is a cream type chemical you put all over your head to chemically straighten your hair. At first the cream is ice cold and uncomfortable and then it gets hell hot and uncomfortable. The uncomfortable feeling is estimated to go away… Never. There is temporarily a relief when you wash your hair. When adding the shampoo that’s when the comfortableness starts back up. Per science when you put chemicals onto the skin it irritates and/or burns the skin. So this cream slapped on my scalp did both. Tiny little scabs sprinkled about my scalp. To be cute I would call them my little sensitive spots. It’s not a cute.

All this was done to achieve butters. Butters is manageable hair. No matter how fine the comb, it runs through your hair like cutting room temperature butter. You can imagine the ease of just running the comb through your hair.. Well until it hits the sensitive spots. Dragging a pointy comb over your scalp ripping off the scars. Anything to avoid being nappy headed.

[nevaehtyler]

Iconic 2016 Moments For Black People and Non-Black PoC

Let’s agree this year has been a total mess full of tragic events that got us all thinking “Can we have a damn break?”. Sadly all the bad stuff tends to bring us all so down that we forget about the good stuff. However, I want to remind you all of the incredible things that happened this year.

Diversity was the night’s winner at SAG Awards in pointed counter to Oscars.

The US Justice Department sued Ferguson to force the city to adopt police reforms negotiated with the federal government.

Beyoncé told us to get in Formation.

“Formation” is more than just a music video, it’s a siren call, a hymn that addresses discrimination and racism. 

Jay Z’s Tidal donated $1.5 million to Black Lives Matter and other non-profit organizations.

The funds were raised during the October 2015 Tidal X concert at the Barclay’s Center in Brooklyn. Performers included Beyoncé, Nicki Minaj and Usher.

Beyoncé killed it at the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show…

…and then blessed us with Lemonade…

…which introduced Leah Chase who is also the prototype of Tiana from “The Princess and The Frog”.

Chadwick Boseman as Black Panther stole the show in ‘Captain America: Civil War’ and his character got his own movie that will be coming out in 2018.

Rihanna announced the launch of the Clara Lionel Foundation which will provide scholarship to international students that plan to continue their education in the US.

She said: “To be able to give the gift of an education is actually an honor. Higher education will help provide perspective, opportunities and learning to a group of kids who really deserve it. I am thrilled to be able to do this.”

Actress and playwright Danai Gurira won the Black Girls Rock Star Power Award.

Jesse Williams was presented a Humanitarian award at the BET Awards and delivered the most powerful speech.

Dark skin beauty pageant titleholder and lieutenant in the United States Army Reserve Deshauna Barber became Miss USA 2016.

Black teens continuously made us proud!

As well as Black women 👑

Imran Yousuf saved dozens of lives at the Pulse night club.

Now this is still making my heart ache, I don’t think anyone will ever get over what happened that night. But I think we need to honor Imran again, he is a true hero.

Treasury Secretary Jack Lew announced that Harriet Tubman will appear on face of the $20 bill.

We witnessed the blackening of CNN’s Don Lemon.

Colin Kaepernick took a knee during national anthem…

…and reminded us of our rights at the Know Your Rights Camp.

Ben & Jerry’s declared support for Black Lives Matter.

Solange blessed us with ‘A Seat At The Table’

8-year-old Jalen Bailey set up his own baking company to buy a house for his mother.

Black athletes made US history at the summer Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro.

Ava DuVernay has become the first African American woman to ever direct a film with a budget over $100 million.

The US Army Corps of Engineers announced it won’t grant easement to cross Lake Oahe for DAPL.

Three Victoria’s Secret models of color went short and natural for the fashion show.

Honey Bun Baby.

Cicely Tyson, Diana Ross, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Michael Jordan were awarded a Presidential Medal of Freedom.

The confirmed cast of the upcoming Black Panther is lit.

And lastly just a huge shout out to Black Twitter and just Black people everywhere for coming up with the funniest jokes and memes even though you are not credited enough!

I’m not even sorry this turned out to be such a long post. I just wanna say that Black people, we’re gonna keep on rocking next year and every year after.  Stay real, stay strong and feel free to add whatever made you proud in 2016 🙌🏾

[destinyrush]

I needed this.

[yemme]

[laughwithphee]

Woke up next to a dead bug... Afterthoughts

1. Did I roll over onto you? 2. Did you go in my mouth? 3. Did my breath smell? 4. I hope I am not going to have any of your babies... I'm not ready to be a mom. 5. Did you see me eat Jerk Chicken last week Monday? 6. Did I save you any? 7. Have you been here this long? 8. Who sent you? 9. I flicked your body into a old Sprite bottle... Did that bring you back to life? 10. If it brings you back to life... then does that mean you owe me your life? 11. Am I like your Jamaican Khaleesi? 12. Honestly you were a little creepy looking so I would prefer if you didn't come back. 13. When I ate... was it quick and aggressive like I imagine? 14. If we were in a different life... I imagine we would have been friends. 15. Did you leave anyone behind? 16. I hope they are not in my room. No offense. 17. I eat a lot in my room. 18. I am the reason you were there. 19. I sent you. 20. Then I sent you away in a sprite bottle... I wish you well. 21. Warn your friends not to come in my room.

[laughwithphee]

The adventures of the things I shoulda, woulda, coulda said...

G: Do you have any umbrellas?

M: Yes we do, they are inside the guest rooms in the closet.

G: Do you have any behind the desk?

M: Unfortunately we do not.

G: So you want me to go ALL the way upstairs to get it?

M: No I want you to go ALL the way to hell!

G: Is breakfast included?

M: No unfortunately we do not.

G: Every other hotel has one!

M: Well if your best friend jumps off a bridge are you going to eat his dead body?

G: That's not how the saying goes.

M: What I am trying to say is, breakfast is not included.

G: I was told you have free wifi.

M: Yes, we absolutely do for members. If you are not a member then it is free for sign up and you get the free wifi.

G: But, I don't want to sign up.

M: Then you must not want free wifi!

[laughwithphee]

Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.

Ira Glass

[laughwithphee]

You’ll Get Over It?... Right?

Do you remember that one episode where someone did something regardless of how it affected you or even if it will hurt your feelings. In their mind they believe that time heals all wounds and you will just "get over it". Just grin and bare it because I am thinking about myself in the moment and not how my actions will affect you. (Affect or Effect? I still don't understand the difference. I will do some extensive google search after this.) Any who this whole concept fascinates me. The whole human behavior fascinates me. The fact that someone will do something in the moment because it "feels good" and not consider how it will affect (effect?) other people. Then after the moment they are filled with "regret". The regret only last until you grin and bare it. That is the moment when someone else feels better about themselves for feeling "regret" and you "getting over it". One day there is a moment when someone does something to them. They are hurt by another persons actions. They are devastated. Why would someone do something to me and not consider how I feel? They hold onto that and next time they think about themselves. Because someone didn't consider there feelings then why should they care about anyone else? Is life about taking multiple shits on someone and then just expecting them to get over it because someone took a shit on them? Keep your shitty booty away from me.