Mama, Eden & Me

Rambling, lesbian couple. loss in 2014. Disney loving Londoners who are mummies to a little rainbow princess!

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Sleep. Everybody loves sleep. Except for toddlers, it seems. Being a shift worker, I could literally sleep pretty much anywhere and at any time. Unfortunately, Eden doesn’t appear to be taking after me in that respect.

As a baby, Eden loved sleep. For the most part, it was easy to get her to drift off to sleep and once she was out, she was out. As a three year old, life is a little different. Once she is asleep, she will sleep for hours, but getting her to go to sleep in the first place is often a challenge. The insatiable thirst that only comes at bed time, mixed with the fear of bad dreams or monsters usually keeps us all up for a little while. When we were contacted by the folks over at The Dream Pillow, we figured it was worth a shot.

What is The Dream Pillow? Here’s what they say on their website…

For children, the Dream Pillow is a toy. It makes going to bed fun, encouraging kids to craft stories to “dream up”. For parents, a dream pillow is a tool based on a proven technique to help kids sleep and dream good dreams, The Dream Pillow helps practice positive imagery before bed. The Dream Pillow also teaches children about their power of their thoughts, the importance of good sleep, and positive thinking. This bed time ritual will create memories for years to come.

http://www.thedreampillow.co.uk

Eden was sent the Original Dream Pillow, which she loved from the moment she set eyes on it. I opened it while we were getting a drink in Costa Coffee and when I told her that it was called a “Dream Pillow,” She asked me “can I take a nap right now?” In the box, you get the pillow, a pack of note cards to write your visualisation on, and a book about a little girl who keeps having nightmares and the Dream Pillow saves the day.

Eden sleeps with her Dream Pillow every single night. She also often requests it for naps, along with her favourite blanket. We don’t always read the book or use the notes, but the pillow has become a comfort tool all of its own. Sometimes, we sit down and talk about what she would like to dream about and write it out on the notes. It’s particularly helpful in times where she is worried about something or is particularly overtired. It helps her focus and calm down enough to be able to drift off to sleep. I’m looking forward to bringing it on holiday with us as I think it’s important to bring some home comforts, and The Dream Pillow is definitely small enough to bring along without affecting luggage allowance or being a pain.

My one reservation was with the pillow being white. I worried that constant washing would ruin how snuggly it is or cause the fluff to fall out. I needn’t have worried. It has been washed many times since we got it – including after a particularly explosive vomit situation – and has come out as good as new each time.

The Dream Pillow is now one of our favourite bed time tools. I love encouraging Eden to develop her imagination and storytelling skills, whilst also helping her to feel secure at night and comfortable enough to get a good night’s sleep. After all, nobody likes a sleep deprived three year old!

You can pick up your own The Dream Pillow at The Dream Pillow Website. They retail at £19.99 and are available in several different designs.

We were sent this product for the purpose of an honest review. We received no financial incentive for this review and it reflects our honest opinion of the product.

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It’s been such a long time since I’ve written anything in this space. There has been a lot going on – life is hardly recognisable from what it was a year ago. I have a three year old, I have a new job and I also have a new husband…

No, Amy and I didn’t break up. Amy became Aiden and has been so for the last six months at least. It’s something he had spoken about for a long time, but it finally came to a point where he decided who he was on the outside needed to match the inside. It’s been a whirlwind. I can’t speak for him, but it’s definitely been a whirlwind for me. You can be as cool as you like with trans issues, but it still takes some getting used to when your wife becomes your husband.

At first, getting pronouns right was hard. I dropped the old name every so often, which caused arguments of course. Nowadays it is easier as I think of him as male. Even in my head, he’s male. But it took a long time to get there and sometimes I do still have to correct myself. Thankfully, Aiden coming out timed perfectly with my new job, so I essentially left my old job as someone with a wife and started my new job as somebody with a husband. It saved a lot of awkwardness with having to correct those around me as well as myself.

I’ve definitely had a lot to figure out. As much as I have always identified as bisexual on some level, it was weird to me to be looked on as part of a “straight” couple. It almost felt a little like erasure of my identity. I’d grown so comfortable with my identity as a woman married to a woman, that suddenly being married to a man was difficult to swallow at first. The first few times I said “husband” I had a little laugh in my head, because it makes me sound like an old married lady. I’ve been astounded by how many people feel that they can blurt their homophobic or transphobic opinions to me just because they think I’m straight. It’s a bit of a baptism by fire on that one. I didn’t realise how little people said to me because they assumed I was a lesbian.

It’s also been quite difficult in that there doesn’t really seem to be any support groups as such. There are a few on Facebook for partners of trans people. I’m in a specific one for those who are in a relationship with someone who is a trans man. But it’s difficult because a lot of the people in them met their partner in their true form. Aiden and I were together for eleven years before he came out, and although it wasn’t altogether unexpected, it has taken some getting used to. It’s very hard to find people who say “yep! I’ve been there!” because the situation is so specific. Even the media only sensationalises stories like mine – usually in the form of “My Tom Became Brenda and Ruined My Life!” when really it’s nothing like that in the majority of cases.

Even when we were first off the starting blocks, Aiden was faced with an unsupportive GP who was just not interested. Thankfully that has been rectified by seeing a different GP, but the wait list for NHS first consultation is something like two years at the moment. For consultation! We’ve had the good fortune to be able to go private for hormones, but it’s thoroughly depressing to think of how many don’t have that avenue. I had to go to the (original unsupportive) doctor with Aiden on his second visit as he felt unable to do it alone. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for those who don’t have someone in their corner who is willing to stand up for their right to be appropriately referred.

And Eden? Eden has had her ups and downs with it all. She often still calls Aiden Mama, although we are encouraging “Papa” instead. She will often tell people that Mama is a boy. At first, when we explained to her that Mama was Papa now, she was upset. I think she thought it meant Aiden was leaving, but once we reassured her that he was the same person, just a different name, she understood a little better and wasn’t as upset. It really helped that around the same time she met a little girl at childcare who changes her name almost daily! It helped give her a little context about calling people the name that they wish to be called by. We’ve had people suggest that it must all be terribly confusing for her, but I’m not convinced that’s the case. I don’t doubt that there is some level of confusion for her – there certainly was at first – but what she understands of the situation is that she has two parents who love her very much. I have no doubt that there will come a time when she doesn’t remember anything before papa.

So, with that I welcome you to our new chapter. Welcome to Papa, Eden & Me.

[laurajanecostello]

We were recently invited to see new musical “Come From Away” at London’s Pheonix Theatre. We received complimentary tickets courtesy of Encore Tickets, but our opinions remain our own.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a HUGE musical theatre fan. There was a time, before Eden came along, where our lives mostly revolved around musical theatre in its many forms. I’d heard fantastic things about Come From Away on Broadway, so I was excited to see what a British Cast did with such an intrinsically Multinational story.

Here’s what the synopsis tells us:

Gander is a small Canadian town, but when 38 international aircrafts are diverted to Gander airport after 9/11, the townspeople welcome in 7,000 passengers to the town by giving them shelter, food and clothes. Initiated as honorary Newfoundlanders, the “come from aways” deal with their new-found surroundings before being able to fly out of Gander and return to the United States. In a place where romance blossoms, prejudice can also grow and the show discusses how individuals are treated after the atrocity. Reuniting years after the attack, the show commemorates the compassionate behaviour of those who live in Gander and the neighbouring area.

https://www.encoretickets.co.uk/london-theatre/musicals/come-from-away

I’m not sure what I was expecting from this show. I guess I thought it would be hard to write a musical about events around 9/11 without it being depressing. The Trade Center Attacks are a bit of a specialist subject for me, but I had read very little of the “Come From Aways”, so I went into the theatre not knowing what to expect, but with a bag of tissues all the same.

Somehow, this show manages to be entertaining and true to life at the same time. I laughed a LOT more than I thought I would, considering the subject matter. The show runs for 100 minutes with no interval, and I was on the edge of my seat the whole way through. Something I thought was interesting is that despite having only twelve actors in the show, they play nearly forty characters between them. Most of these characters are based on real life people, who gave their stories as part of the development of the musical.

Highlights for me were Rachel Tucker’s rendition of “Me and the Sky”, inspired by American Airlines’ first female captain, Beverley Bass. Imagine my surprise when I hit Google on the way home and discovered that basically every word of that song was true. The cast as a whole were excellent and the show provoked so many thoughts and emotions. There were so many stories tied into the show – a gay couple who worried about whether they could say they were together, a black man who was constantly worried about being shot or mugged, families who spoke no English, a mother worried about her New York Fire Fighter son and a Muslim who was continually treated with suspicion by those around him. You wouldn’t think that all this and more could be packed into a 100 minute show, but it is with much more too.

So, would I recommend it? Absolutely. Even for those without a specialist interest, this is a great show. 9/11 is part of world history now and I think this story really cannot be told enough. If you want to go along, tickets are available through reputable ticket agencies including Encore Tickets.

Disclaimer: We were gifted tickets for the purpose of a review. All opinions are our own.

[laurajanecostello]

It’s cold. I mean, not North Pole cold, but we’ve had some low temperatures in the capital as of late.

This time of year, keeping healthy in the cold becomes important. I need vitamins to help keep the nasties out and a good moisturiser, because nothing is more annoying than chapped skin on a cold day. Also, nothing irritates my skin like going from the cold of outside to the stifling heat of the tube. It really messes with me, and my skin often shows the effects first.

We were recently sent Aquaphor to review.

• Eucerin Aquaphor Soothing Skin Balm gives dry to very dry, cracked and irritated skin the SOS care it needs

• Formulated with only seven ingredients, Aquaphor is gentle enough to be used on highly irritated skin as well as on sensitive baby skin and also in the nappy area

• Eucerin Aquaphor Soothing Skin Balm protects the skin by creating a breathable protective barrier, allowing oxygen and water vapor to circulate to and from the skin, allowing skin to ‘breathe’ and strengthen its natural barrier function

• The Eucerin Aquaphor formula was first introduced in the US market in 1925 and has been a household staple ever since – long trusted for its effectiveness in repairing a wide range of skin SOS cases.

There’s no greater challenge than winter, so I used the balm over the course of a couple of weeks. The verdict? It helps keep skin healthy and soothes irritated or sore skin. It is fragrance free, clear in colour and a little bit goes a long way, so I expect the 45ml tube will last a little while in our house. I also love that it’s suitable for all of the family. It’s become a handbag staple amongst the London pollution.

This post is an entry for the BritMums #MyAquaphor Challenge, sponsored by Eucerin. Discover the benefits of Eucerin https://www.eucerin.co.uk/products/aquaphor/soothing-skin-balm-45ml

[laurajanecostello]

This time of year is one of my least favourite times. The days are short, the nights are long and it is COLD! Also, I feel like we end up outside a lot less than we do in the spring, summer or even in the autumn. This time of year is when I massively fail on getting my ten thousand steps daily!

Getting out and about is something very important to me. It does wonders for my mental health and it usually gets a good nap out of Eden if she’s had the wind in her hair for a bit and the opportunity to really play. It means she meets other kids, she gets to learn about the world around her and she gives herself a good workout in the process. Kids learn so much from play – I know Eden learns a lot from watching other kids and even tackled the dreaded big slide after encouragement from an older child at our local playground. 

Childhood obesity figures in the UK are on the rise and latest statistics shows that 1 in 3 children between the ages of 2 and 10 are overweight. 1000 of these are children referred to hospital for treatment. Isn’t that terrifying? As much as there are always outliers, just getting out and about can make a massive amount of difference to most kids. Not only in respect of their physical health, but their mental health too. 

We’re lucky enough to have several playgrounds, parks and even 7,000 hectares of 800 year old woodland within an hour’s walk from our front door. South East London is wonderful in that respect. We have a real mix of older play areas and newer, well maintained play areas with lovely wooden play equipment. We don’t really have an excuse not to go, to be honest!

So, here’s a reminder from me to you, readers. Even though it’s quite frankly depressing outside, get those little ones out! Get them running, splashing through muddy puddles and spotting squirrels in the woods. Get them climbing up and conquering the big slide and get them showing other kids that they can do it too! It does wonders for their mental and physical health, and their self confidence, too. And who knows, you might even get to drink a hot coffee when you get home and they sleep off their adventures. 

This is a collaborative post with ESP Play

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Eden has a grandmother that she will never meet. My mum passed away when I was nineteen – nine years before Eden was born. At the time of her passing, her never meeting my child wasn’t something I really concerned myself with. At that age, I didn’t want kids anyway, but it’s something I’ve given a lot of thought to since Eden came into our lives. I know her grandmother would dote on her as all of her grandparents do, and there has always been a part of me that is sad that they never met. 

Someone shared this picture on Facebook the other day and I kept coming back to it. Even now, several days later, I keep coming back to it.

Now, I knew that female babies were born with all of their eggs. I just hadn’t ever given it any real thought. It hadn’t crossed my mind that part of what made Eden was grown inside my mum, and in turn part of what made me was grown inside my grandmother.

It gives me a lot of context as to why Eden looks so much like my mum did when she was a child and less like me. Her colouring is totally different to mine and I’ve always suspected that her light hair and blue eyes came from mum. It’s been a source of comfort for me since Eden was born and I had a whole new wave of grief for my mum to deal with. Feelings I hadn’t even thought about bubbled up to the surface and it brought a distinct feeling of “how can I do this without my mum?” Now I know she was there all along.

So, there it is. When my mum and dad made me, mum also took care of making her grandkids. Although she’s never met Eden, she played a part in her creation and for that I’m eternally grateful.

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A few days ago was mine and Amy’s eighth wedding anniversary. Eight years since our civil partnership, which is crazy. What is funny is that neither of us actually remembered until Facebook told us on the day! As it turns out, Amy was scheduled to work and I had booked my (well overdue) smear test. This left me with a moral dilemma – Do I take her with me? Do I try to arrange childcare? In the end, I decided to suck it up and take her with me. There was no point asking someone to have her for the literally fifteen minutes that it took for me to have the exam.

The night before, I said we were going to the doctor in the morning and Eden said she was scared. I told her it was ok as we were just going for mummy to get a check-up, which led to her asking questions about what kind of check-up. I asked her if she remembered when she got a grass seed stuck in her vulva? She said yes, and I explained that I was going to have a check up to make sure mine is healthy too. Spared her the details, obviously, as she’s two, but I gave her what I felt was an appropriate amount of information.

So, along we went to the appointment. When we went in, the nurse was a bit perplexed at me bringing Eden and asked “oh? Is she coming too?” I said “yup!” and that was the end of that. I went behind the curtain to get ready and Eden chatted to the nurse about how it’s her birthday soon and how Santa is coming soon as well. The nurse asked how old she was and Eden said two. She then asked me how old she is, and when I said two she was surprised. She had thought she was about four – we hear that a lot.

Anyhow, I had the smear test as Eden sat and shouted “what are you doing in there?” and “Are you having a vulva check up?” From behind the curtain, which made me laugh more than is probably average…

Anyhow, so today this came up in conversation at work and people seemed a little surprised that I’d taken Eden with me. Someone said it was “private” and should be “child-free time”.

My question here is why wouldn’t I?

Eden has a vagina. It’s important to teach how to care for each part of our body and that includes appropriate medical screenings. If I’m honest, I’d put off this smear for so long. In the UK, we only get them from the age of 25. I’d had one before I got pregnant, but the result was “insufficient”, so they said “repeat after a year”. Then I got pregnant, so couldn’t have it and then after having Eden I was wrapped up in having a baby. So wrapped up that I neglected my lady bits. I booked a couple of times, but had to cancel because of periods that showed up unannounced. Recently I’ve had mystery pelvic pain, so I’ve been having all kinds of exams, scans and things. So, it makes sense to throw a smear in the mix too.

I don’t understand how anyone could possibly say that it’s inappropriate to take a child. For a start, I don’t have childcare coming out of my ears. But also, what harm does it do? I can think of a gazillion positives – it promotes good medical care, it gets her used to the nurse, it shows her that mummy is comfortable with medical professionals so helps her to be comfy too. I don’t see negatives. It’s not like I peeled back the curtain and invited her to perform the smear for me…

Think about it. How do we teach our kids to be confident and to care for their body when things like smear tests are shrouded in shame? It’s just another important medical thing that, let’s face it, can be lifesaving. So why are we hiding it from our kids just because it involves a vagina?

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We’ve been potty training with Eden for what seems like forever. We’ve been following her lead and trying to let her do it in her own time, but isn’t it frustrating? One of the things that have annoyed me most is the kerfuffle with having to put her little seat on the loo every time she needs to go, and having to do it before she pees on the floor. You know how toddlers go from “I’m fine” to “I need to pee RIGHT NOW” in seconds? There’s no time for faffing, so when Family Seat offered to send us over their “Talia” model, I said yes pretty quickly!

For those not familiar with the Family Seat, it consists of a toilet seat that incorporates both an adult seat and a child seat, meaning no extra seats are needing. No faffing around looking for an extra attachment, no securing anything, just fold down the child seat and off you go. Helpfully, it also comes with a ten year guarantee and some helpful potty training tips and tricks.

Eden was so excited about her new seat that she bugged Amy none stop until she installed it! Installation was simple and we were soon ready to go. Recently, Eden has decided that the potty was just for babies and that she needed to use the “big girl potty”, which meant a mad dash upstairs whenever she said “I need to go potty”. Family Seat meant that from the word go, we were able to save time by just being able to fold down her seat over the top of the adult one so she could do her business without falling in…

In the box, you also get a reward chart and a door hanger, which I have found have really encouraged Eden to take ownership of her toilet training adventure. I really love that the reward chart includes “asking to go potty” and “washing hands” as well. It becomes a whole check list that we go through with her afterwards and she loves ticking off the boxes. She got her first full chart today, so she got a little bag of M&Ms to celebrate.

Are we fully trained yet? No. She is 100% dry when she’s naked, but put pants on her and she pees in them… so I think the plan is to buy boxer shorts so that it feels like she’s still not wearing anything and see how we go from there. Family Seat has definitely made it easier, though, and I would recommend it to any parent because when it comes to potty training, every second counts!

Family Seat is available from https://www.familyseat.com and comes in two different models. The “Talia” retails at £39.95 and had a soft close feature, and the “Georgia” retails at £24.95. Both models come with a ten year guarantee and the potty training materials that I mentioned above.

Disclaimer; We were sent the Family Seat in return for an honest review. All opinions are our own and uninfluenced by any incentive.

[laurajanecostello]

When I became a parent, I expected stress. I expected absolutely all consuming love. I expected a challenge like no other. What I didn’t expect, though, was fear. Well, I expected a little bit. I didn’t expect it to be crippling, and I didn’t expect it to turn me into the kind of person who cries in the pub over something that was absolutely nothing, but could have been something. 

A few days ago Amy, Eden and I were crossing the road. It had started to rain a few minutes before and was absolutely pouring, so we were headed for the pub for lunch. When the crossing light turned to green, we stepped out into the road. I say “we” stepped, but it was Amy and I who stepped out. Eden was in her buggy. It was at that moment that a car came speeding around a bus and headed right towards us at speed. We jumped back to the pavement whilst the car swerved out into the middle of the road in front of us. Had we been a foot further into the road, the driver would have had nowhere else to go and would have either hit us or gone straight into oncoming traffic.

I utterly lost my mind. Anger was my first emotion. I did not understand how somebody could speed in the rain and decide that red lights didn’t apply to her. Did I mention that there were kids in the car? Yeah. Apparently she had kids in the car. This was something Amy told me later. I was absolutely flummoxed that somebody would be so utterly careless whilst in charge of several tonnes of car. I know kids can be distracting, but if they’re that distracting going at speed in the rain, PULL OVER.

By the time we got into the pub I was shaking. It did not help that a couple of days before I’d read a story about two mums and their babies who were hit by a car in NYC. Every child in that situation died. I was very VERY aware that it could have been Eden. I was very aware that her buggy wouldn’t have protected her and that if that car had hit her, there would have been nothing I could have done to stop it. I absolutely sobbed. I still cry when I think about it. There’s a lot of “could have been” in that situation and every single scenario as as horrifying as the next.

I don’t know if it comes from recent terror attacks involving cars. I don’t know whether it comes from having taken 999 calls for three years and having heard what happens after a car hits a person. I don’t know if it comes from the crippling fear of leaving Eden that I guess comes from losing my own mother. I don’t know. What I do know is that I’ve become very aware since having Eden of how everything can change in an instant. Your world can turn upside down in a split second and there’s nothing you could have done.

It leaves you feeling utterly powerless and pretty much always on the edge of terrified.

Isn’t parenting a rollercoaster?

[laurajanecostello]

I grew up calling it a tuppence. I’ve heard Lady Garden, bits, privates, snatch, front bum, money box (?!) and many other cutesy names for that part that all of us that are biologically female have: a vulva.

We’d said from day one that we would teach Eden the anatomical names for her genitals, but there’s something about the word “vulva” that just sounds… unpleasant. It probably comes as part of that big old thing called The Patriarchy, but even knowing that we should encourage anatomical names, we still shied away. We had taught Eden, but more often than not it was just “bits” or sometimes “foof”.

That was until last week.

Last week Eden started complaining that her bum hurt. It came on very quickly mid afternoon and an hour later she was jumping up and down and shouting “ouch mummy! My bum!” So, so I followed my instincts and put her in the bath. I know that worms are fairly common in kids her age, and that kids can often get “itch” and “pain” mixed up. So I figured a bath would soothe her. It did for all of about five minutes. I looked and I looked and I still could not see any sign that anything was wrong. I called 111 (non emergency medical) to see if I could get an out of hours doctor appointment because, as per sod’s law, this was in the middle of the day on a Sunday. The call handler I spoke to was really helpful and didn’t dismiss me when I explained that it seemed minor, but the way Eden was behaving was just not normal for her. At this point Eden fell asleep and the call handler advised that a doctor would call back within twelve hours. Two hours later I received that call and we deduced between us that it was probably worms and that I should go to the pharmacy in the morning and get medication for that. He said he was happy for me to bring her in if I really wanted her seen, but if I couldn’t see anything it’s unlikely he would be able to. We agreed to see how she went at home, after all it couldn’t be that bad if she was asleep.

When Eden woke up, she seemed fine. She said her bum still hurt, along with pointing and “inside!” I asked her if she’d put anything in there and she said no. I gave her some ibuprofen and she didn’t mention it again until Amy got home late that night. On her last nappy change of the night, Amy had a quick look and spotted the problem.

My poor baby had a grass seed lodged in her vulva. A nasty, pointy little shit bag of a grass seed. It had probably got in there while she was playing in her swimming pool Amy gave it a nudge and out it came, followed by much screaming from Eden and a little bit of blood. She said it felt much better.

The next day I called my doctor to see if antibiotics would be needed. They advised to bring her in, so we did. They gave her a quick examination and she was declared fit as a fiddle. No antibiotics needed but as always to keep an eye on it and go back if anything changed. My call to the GP was interesting, though. The receptionist repeatedly asked me to repeat the word “vulva”, before saying “oh! In her vagina?” I had to correct her. “No. Not in her vagina. In her vulva”. I’m still not completely sure that the receptionist knew what a vulva was…

After this experience, I felt horrid that we hadn’t been more clear about bum vs vulva. Apparently a lot of kids still get the two mixed up at Eden’s age, but I still felt quite sad about the whole thing. Those grass seeds hurt like hell, so I can’t imagine having one lodged in the most sensitive part of my body.

No lasting damage. But now we’ve ditched “foof”, “privates” and “bits” for vulva and vagina. Because who knows what would have happened had it been left there to cause an infection? We have to give our kids the tools to communicate these things. If something is wrong with Eden’s vulva, I want her to be able to tell me. Unfortunately it took this experience to make me realise just how important that is.

[laurajanecostello]

A few weeks ago, I signed up at work to “reverse mentor” a member of the executive team. The advert from the Chief Executive read

“Could you be my mentor? We are looking for enthusiastic, passionate and committed mentors (working in any role at any level) who would like the opportunity to build a relationship with a senior leader, to share their diversity story and help create a more inclusive workforce.”

and I thought ‘I could do that.’ I signed up and was successful. A week or so ago, I went along to my training session with eighteen or so other trainee mentors.

Reverse mentoring flips the power balance on its head. It means that a person further down the ladder (a receptionist like me) mentors a person with more perceived power. But the difference with our particular type of reverse mentoring, is that is focuses on Equality and Diversity within the NHS.

Staff survey results always show higher bullying rates and more dissatisfaction among black and minority ethnic (BME) staff, those with a disability and those who identify as something other than straight. Part of what reverse mentoring does, is gives leaders an insight into what it is to be a diverse member of their organisation. An organisation where, in many cases, the board is made up of middle class white men. Where I work is slightly different, though as our Chief Executive is a woman and so are many members of our board. It is still exclusively white, however.

One of the first slides our trainer – Stacy Johnson, Associate Professor at the University of Nottingham. -showed us was this, and it definitely struck the right chord. Excuse my mad scrawling…

The point of this being that providing reasonable adjustments as in the second image is all well and good, but the idea should be to remove the fence altogether, rather than making people able to see over it. To remove the fence, we have to identify what it is made out of and remove it piece by piece. That’s where Reverse Mentoring comes in.

The RACE model for Reverse Mentoring encourages mentors (the person perceived to be less powerful) to commit acts of resistance in order to inspire acts of compassion, empowerment and solidarity. The aim is to change the narrative around diversity and make somebody not only walk in your shoes, but see the world how you do. It’s about talking about every day diversity situations openly and challenging someone in power about what they are doing to change the narrative. It’s also about having a safe space to discuss challenging situations and issues.

I came out of my training session massively empowered and with a whole load of things to think about. By the time my first session came around, though, I had massively crashed and burned. I have so many things that I COULD talk about, as a straight-appearing, gay, married woman with a child and a long term health condition. I just did not know where to start.

I had stalked my mentee a little bit on LinkedIn – she’s the Chief People Officer in my organisation and has a very overwhelming CV. I have to admit that I was a little intimidated, but I also expected the two of us to be very different. Last week we had our first meeting, which I had planned absolutely nothing for and we treated it as a “getting to know you” session. I was surprised to see that we are actually pretty similar and we got on very well, which I figured could present a problem because how am I supposed to challenge her beliefs if they are basically the same as mine?

My mentee wants to be challenged, so I’ve come up with some very challenging stuff for our next meeting. Examples that are taken from my life as a band two admin within the NHS. The way I’m looking at is that she has never done a “bottom of the ladder” job, so I’m going in on that for the moment. This quote rung very true with me.

So, that’s how the reverse mentoring is going up to now. I’m excited for the next five meetings and I hope that I – along with the other reverse mentors in my organisation – can play a small part in making our little corner of the NHS more inclusive, more diverse and more inclusive. Reverse mentoring is just the start!

I’ll be tweeting about our meetings and some of the things we discuss, so if you don’t follow there already, you can find us at @mamaedenandme.

  Slides produced by Stacy Johnson & University of Nottingham

[laurajanecostello]

“But you look fine! You should just be more positive.”

People have this idea of what anxiety looks like. They have a preconceived notion of what somebody who suffers with anxiety should be doing or saying. Even doctors have a list of “things” that they expect somebody with anxiety to be doing. It’s part of the stigma attached to mental health problems, because for a lot of people anxiety doesn’t look how you think it ‘should’. I’m one of those people.

You think anxiety is sitting in a ball rocking, when in reality it’s not being able to speak because you feel so anxious that you feel like you could almost stop breathing. Just stop existing. Anxiety is not being able to put what’s wrong into coherent words, but wanting desperately to talk about it. Anxiety is chewing off your nails for the 400th time until there is basically nothing left. Yet you’re still trying to chew, just to have something to do with your hands.

Anxiety is not necessarily recognising your symptoms right away. It’s the pounding heartbeat and the tears over basically nothing. It’s the constant voice inside your head that says you’re trying to do your best, but you’re still not good enough. It’s the constant fear that you are letting people down. It’s obsessing over things that make absolutely no difference at all to anything and taking small things very personally. It’s saying something that might have been a bit stupid and then stewing over it for the next twelve hours, because you fear judgement from a person who probably doesn’t even remember the conversation. It’s worrying that everybody is talking about you behind your back, that people just tolerate you.

It’s feeling out of control. Like you don’t know what you’re doing. Inside your head you’re screaming, but on the outside you answer “how are you?” with “good, thanks”. It’s waking up in the middle of the night shouting about some total rubbish and not being able to sleep for more than two hours at a time, even though sleep is what you desperately want and need. It’s your house being an utter shit tip and you not being able to pull together the strength to get on with sorting it, instead sitting on the sofa and worrying about it whilst watching it pile up around you.

Anxiety isn’t always panic attacks. It’s not screaming into a pillow or not being able to breathe. It’s not shouting “help me”. It’s not running away. Not for me it isn’t. It’s trying to do more. Trying to apply myself in different ways. Trying to fix everything. Trying to control everything around you, because you can’t control your brain. Trying to prove that I’m ok and I’ve got this, when really I’m just going through the motions. Anxiety is putting my feet flat on the floor and counting to ten what seems like a hundred times a day just to ground my whirring mind.

That’s my anxiety. That’s how it looks and feels to me.

Still think I should just be positive?

[laurajanecostello]

Eye health is not something that has always been top of my agenda. I didn’t get my first eye test until I was eight or nine years old and that was when I got my first pair of glasses. Nowadays I’m a contact lens wearer and am meticulous about my eye health. Knowing how bad it can go if lenses aren’t cleaned regularly and properly is enough reason to take care!

But what about Eden? We don’t have any concerns about her vision, but when Vision Express contacted us with some information about keeping sun safe, we swotted up!

We all know about keeping our skin safe in the sun, but what about our eyes? I bought my first pair of sunglasses last year in Florida, because I felt like I was constantly squinting. I generally don’t like having things on my face (hence contact lens!) but cute Minnie Mouse sunglasses were a necessity in the blinding Florida sunshine.

Here’s what Vision Express have to say…

At Vision Express we take vision seriously. That’s why all sunglasses in our extensive range filter out 100% of harmful UVA and UVB rays.

UVB – B is for Burning Responsible for causing sunburn UVB rays can quickly damage eye tissue with prolonged and unprotected exposure. All Vision Express sunglasses filter out 100% of UVB rays.

UVA – A is for Ageing These rays tan your skin but also cause premature ageing and can accelerate the development of age related illnesses. They cause damage over a long period and excessive exposure can damage eyesight. All Vision Express sunglasses filter out 100% of UVA rays.

Experts have warned that 75% of parents are risking their children’s eyesight by exposing them to bright sun without appropriate protection. Considering that much of what children learn is gained through what they see, shouldn’t we be doing our best to protect that? It’s an easy thing to forget. Most of us are so busy worrying about sunburn on their skin, that we forget how important their eyes are.

What we learned was that if you have concerns about your child’s vision, you should get an eye test immediately. The only way to fully understand whether our eyes are healthy is through regular eye tests with a qualified professional. We will take Eden for her first one probably soon after she turns three, but until then we will be keeping her eyes safe in the sun, just like her skin.

Book a £10 Eye Test now, or check out the range of Sunglasses at Vision Express here. Prices start from £25 for adults and £15 for children, and most are available with prescription lenses too.

  Disclaimer: We were provided with sunglasses by Vision Express for the purpose of this post. All opinions remain our own and we received no financial incentive to publish. 

[laurajanecostello]

We have friends all over the world, some of whom we met through our infertility journey. Despite the warnings as a teen to be careful online and such, some of my favourite people are those that I have met on the big scary internet. A couple of these friends came to stay with us last year, so this year it was out turn to visit them in Sunny Pittsburgh. 

Our flights out there (via Chicago) were flights number five and six for Eden, which is not bad for somebody who isn’t even three year old! We stayed at the Premier Inn in Healthrow, which is always lovely, and flew with American Airlines. We always have a bit of pre-flight anxiety with Eden, but she always goes right ahead and proves us wrong. She’s happy as long as she has plenty to watch and do, and she even took a three hour nap (score!). 

As part of our trip, we borrowed the Iphone X from Mobile network Three, to test out the phone and their “Feel At Home” service/ Feel at Home means you can use your inclusive texts, minutes and data in any country that offers Feel at Home coverage. Thankfully, the USA is on that list, so this saved us a small fortune in phone costs!

We had great fun missioning around the city and spending time with our friends. Highlight for me was Pittsburgh Zoo and for Amy was no doubt the Pirates game that she and Virgil went along to. We also visited IdleWild & Soakzone, which Eden loved as it meant she got to meet Daniel Tiger, who is her absolute favourite at the moment. She also got her first ride on a log flume, which she loved! My knees did buckle a little bit at the entrance fee, but we managed to come by a buy one get one half off coupon, which helped.

I really enjoyed capturing our trip on the Iphone X as well and particularly enjoyed the “portrait” function, as it made for some lovely pictures of little miss Eden. It managed to capture her even when she was moving at 100mph as toddlers often do, which I thought was fantastic. The connectivity over there was also awesome. It was very rare that I didn’t have good enough signal to do whatever I wanted to. I did find not having a “home” button a little hard to get used to, but soon it was second nature. Amy recently moved to Samsung and I just can’t work her phone at all, but the Iphone X was intuitive even without the home button.

We had a lovely time with our friends and are hopeful to visit Pittsburgh again soon.

For more information on Feel at Home visit the Three Website. You can learn more about the Iphone X here.

Click to view slideshow.

  Disclaimer : We were loaned the phone for the purpose of a review post. All opinions remain our own and are objective. 

[laurajanecostello]

It’s that time of year again. Rainbow flags, unicorns, glitter and all things fabulous. There are rainbows all around and companies changing their display picture on Facebook to a rainbow version of their logo. All good, because Pride is just one big party, right?

Incorrect.

I received an email from a PR a few days ago which gave me rage. Twitter Rant Level Three rage. It was regarding a rainbow smoothie recipe. How to make a rainbow smoothie for Pride. Great recipe for a lovely, instagram worthy smoothie featuring avocados. And then the hashtag. #Avocadopride.

I was merrily reading along until I got to that point. Avocado… pride? Pride for avocados? Here’s the email I sent back…

Hi there,

Thank you for sending this over. I love companies celebrating Pride.

I do wonder, however, how a rainbow smoothie benefits the LGBT+ community? As a company, are you also donating to or in some way supporting any LGBT+ charities or outreach programs?

Before sending this out with the hashtag #avocadopride, was it at any point considered that Pride exists as primarily a protest march? A way to raise awareness of LGBT+ issues and put pressure on countries where it is still illegal to be gay? There are 68 countries where being gay is pubishable by law. In nine of those countries, homosexual activity is punishable by the death penalty. Do avocados also have this problem?

Can you please reassure me that this is more than “jumping on the bandwagon”?

Many thanks,

Laura

Shockingly, I have not received a reply.

We all know avocados are delicious and are often slaughtered in their millions for people to enjoy their innards, but what does this have to do with Pride?

Pride was born of the Stonewall Riots back in 1969, a time when being gay had only been legal in the UK for two years. Before that, gay and bisexual men (not women!) could have faced a maximum of life imprisonment. The first Pride festival was in 1972. It was a march for equal rights for the LGBT community and was attended by 2000 people. There was no merchandise. No avocado pride. No glitter or unicorns. Just people fighting for acceptance. It was only as recently as 2013 that gay people received equal marriage rights in England, Scotland and Wales.

While we’re out there at Pride, having a party, I try to keep in mind those who can’t. Those who live in one of the ten places where they could be put to death for “homosexual activity”, where who they are is a crime. Where they have to hide the very essence of themselves because their country is homophobic. I think of those who have to hide their sexuality because they would face a prison sentence. Imagine that, a prison sentence just for being gay. Just because you love someone. I think of those who are killed in homophobic attacks like the attack on Pulse in Orlando just over two years ago. Forty nine people killed, and for what?

A few companies did an excellent job with their advertising around Pride. I always think whether me buying a rainbow product actually has any benefit to the LGBT community. The companies that stuck our for me were Costa Coffee, Starbucks and the Hummingbird Bakery. These were just companies that I bought from on this particular day, and I was pleased to see that they were donating either all proceeds or a portion of their proceeds to LGBT causes. They showed exactly how a company can get it exactly right by uplifting LGBT causes and joining in with rainbows and sparkles too – best of both worlds I think. There are plenty of companies out there who are doing a good job with LGBT+ advertising, both around Pride and year round, but then there are the bandwagon jumpers – and they ruin it for everyone!

Eden had a little talk with mama about “Christian” protestors at Pride London. There were five of them. Their number gets smaller every year. We think it’s important to acknowledge to Eden the bad as well as the good. We want her to know why Pride exists and why it is so important. Despite us being an athiest household, we teach her that these protestors aren’t representative of any religion as any God would not preach hate. This is what she had to say…

That’s my thoughts on the matter, too.

As far as I’m concerned, the more people that celebrate Pride, the better. However we need to keep talking about why it exists. We need to keep talking about those who are killed for being who they are and we need to keep marching to show the the LGBT+ community will not be silenced. We need to do that until equal rights is a reality.

Then and only then can we sit back and enjoy the party… But even then, I won’t be talking about bloody Avocado Pride!

Here’s some of my favourite imaged from London Pride this year.

Click to view slideshow.

[laurajanecostello]

Mental Health is often top of my list of priorities. Especially working within healthcare, I often say that you can’t pour from an empty bucket. You need to look after you first before you can care for anybody else. Of course that goes for clinicians, but also for administrators like myself. You can’t do your best work without being your best self.

For Time To Talk Day back in February, I did a mini initiative at work in which I handed out “self care bags” in my department. These went down really well, so Amy and I decided to make the next one bigger and better! You can read about the original initiative here.

We went for May 15th, which was part of Mental Health Awareness Week this year. I contacted companies asking for donations for the bags and I’m sad to say that most did not oblige. Thankfully two did; Lush and Print Cakes. So, thanks to a huge delivery from Lush and a production line of an evening with Amy and my sister, we soon had 250 “self care” bags. These came in a pretty pink bag and contained a Lush product, colouring sheets and pencils, tea, coffee and a biscuit.

We handed these out at work with the help of some of my colleagues. Eden was doing her doctor “bit” and had a lovely time chatting with everyone and spreading joy. For a lot of the time, she put herself in charge of making sure every single person had a bag! I love bringing her into work with me, because not only does she make people smile, but it also normalises hospitals to her and means that if she ever has to go to hospital for some reason, she won’t be scared. She was born where I work, so it’s always lovely to bring her back. Although she is still yet to meet anyone who looked after us.

This time, we were also raising money for APP – Action on Postpartum Psychosis, who are a small charity who do a lot of absolutely fantastic work. We did this via a donation box and a Go Fund Me (link here) and raised $198. I have to be honest and say that this was less than I had expected – especially when we gave out 250 bags – but every little helps! I also like to think we raised a little bit of sunshine in the department, which is always good in a pressured environment like a maternity ward.

As a result of this, I was nominated as one of Health and Care’s Top 70 Stars! I was flummoxed to be nominated, but I was even more excited to be shortlisted and then to come in at number 12 in the list! You can view the full list here. The NHS is very important to me, so achieving this is a wonderful thing, plus it’s something for the CV!  Having the achievement recognised by my employer (who helpfully linked to the blog twitter page) was awesome too. I have so much love for my department and for the work that we do here. I mean, this place gave me my daughter. I’ll never be done being grateful!

  With massive thanks to Lush and Print Cakes for their help in this venture. Lush products are always just the ticket, and the cupcakes were absolutely gorgeous. The inspirational messages helped too, of course!

[laurajanecostello]

It’s been almost three years since we got our rainbow baby. Almost three years since we finally achieved what we had dreamed about for so long. Almost three years since we held our brand new baby in our arms – our baby. Our little girl. For many, that signalled the end of our infertility journey, but the scars left behind are hardly surprising.

Twenty four months, we tried. Twenty four months over three years. Twenty four months of peeing on endless peesticks, arranging donations, taking temperatures, wishing, hoping and then the conclusion. The inevitable period. Except for two of those twenty four cycles. It was cycle thirteen that we saw our first glimpse of a positive pregnancy test – that elusive “BFP” that people on the forums spoke about like it was an easy thing to achieve. The squinter of a line that never did really become a dark line. The blob on the ultrasound screen that never had a flickering heartbeat. The twelve hours of contractions that ended in the loss of our first baby. That life that was stopped before it even started. Then there was the recovery. We jumped right back on the horse and carried on trying, the echoes of “you’re more fertile after a miscarriage” in our minds.

It took another nine cycles. two of which involved clomid, which made me more than a little bit crazy. Another nine cycles of peeing on sticks, arranging donations, a dabble with Ovusense (which was a waste of everyone’s time) and then good old traditional temperature taking. We saw two lines! We did it! And this time my GP had been forward thinking enough to back up the clomid with progesterone pessaries, to keep baby “Chip” sticky. Through a relatively uncomplicated pregnancy, Chip became Eden. One induction later, she was in our arms.

I honestly think that infertility changed me as a person. It changed me as a mother even before I was one. It changed Amy and I as a couple. It provided me with an appreciation that I didn’t know was possible. It made me more aware that everybody is different and that some things that society sees as “the norm” are in fact the opposite. Oddly, I made some of my best friends through infertility and the fact that we went through that together when others turned the other cheek is a testament to the kind of friends I made. The kind of friends I needed and still need in so many ways.

Lately, people ask “when” we are going to have another. I think it’s because Eden is around that age where a lot of kids start getting siblings. For a little while, it was something we considered. We even asked Superhero Donor some time last year if he would be able to help and he agreed. But what happened, over time, was that we realised that the only reason we wanted another baby was because society said we should have one. It wasn’t because we want or need a second child. It was just what society said we “should” do. Don’t get me wrong – I’d got through it all again in a heartbeat for Eden. I just don’t think we need another child.

Would it be different if we could just “try and see what happens?” Maybe. Would it be different if we didn’t have infertility and loss behind us? Probably. But we do. And those scars are part of what makes Amy and I the parents that we are today. The experience may be far in the past, but infertility will always be a part of me. Just like a physical scar, the experience of going through infertility and loss will be something that shapes how I look at the world. Far from a negative, though, it reminds me to be grateful for the wonderful little human that we have.

(This post was inspired by something a colleague said today. You can read that post on our Facebook Page. Feel free to drop us a “like” while you’re there!)