my own little starlight

a compilation of my writings and journal entries I just want somewhere to post ig?? 23F (she/her)

[lavender-transcriptions]

hurt

I just wish I could cry. 

I wish I could expel all these feelings, spill them out in front of myself so I can take the pieces and put myself back together. It's just hard when I can't reach my own breaking point. 

How do I bring myself to tears when you’ve never done anything to hurt me? 

I refuse to cry over my last loves. 

I refuse to waste more tears on men that hurt me, kicked me when I was down, and made me think their malevolence was my fault. 

Some days I feel like I never really left the restaurant. Because while I don’t miss the person, the abuser- a sick, twisted part of me misses the abuse. 

I don't feel like I ever really left the restaurant, I just left the table, moving onto the next booth, the next toxic love. Those Taylor Swift songs still sting. 

My heart aches to be chastised.

I yearn to be yelled at.

I crave to cry until I’m spilling my guts into the toilet bowl. 

I didn’t think it would still hurt after all this time. I hadn’t sat with the feeling, the memories in so long. But then I think back to August of 2023. I remember how he came back, just for his things. 

How I bleached my hair because he always loved me blonde. 

How I begged him to stay. 

How I cried in the street as I watched him leave for the final time. 

My, how it seems like a lifetime ago. I dont think I ever really healed. Not completely. 

I’ll still flinch at a raised tone. 

I’ll still apologize when it wasn’t my fault.

I’ll still spend the whole rest of my life making up for every mistake I didn’t make. 

My heart aches. I wish I could cry. Not over him, but for me. I was so in love with abuse. I would run back to it every time. I like to think I know better now. I like to think I’d choose happiness and health. But he hit me and it felt like a kiss. He broke me just to put me back together and then would break me again. And the comfort, the reassurance, the “love”... it’s the closest thing I’ve ever felt to bliss. The ecstasy almost touched me in the same way. Almost.

[lavender-transcriptions]

your smile lights up my world. i haven’t seen it in a while. maybe that’s why i feel so bleak. i wish i could tell you all my troubled thoughts. the ones that i choke on in the back of my throat rendering me without anything to say.

i like to think im growing and learning but days like these make me feel like im regressing in my progress. i like to think im taking my time with you and pacing myself well with every move i make towards you. it’s just hard when i have to hold my tongue to keep down the overwhelming qualms that cloud my mind. i don’t want to be anxious, i don’t want to be loud, i don’t want to be too much again. because im always too much, it’s an unfortunate habit of mine. but how am i supposed to hold back all of my feelings and impulses when they bubble up inside me. i’m a fucking bottle of champagne. i’m a timed explosive. which wire will you cut?

sometime i don’t feel like there’s a right answer. like there isn’t anything you could say because i’ll look for the cracks in your voice and twist the meaning behind your words in an effort to find the flaws you see in me. i’m so anxious to find the changes i should make and even more desperate in seeking out the fuel that lights the fire of my self hatred. i don’t want you to see these parts of me. i don’t want you to know the extent of my loathing.

i swing like a pendulum, indecisive and confused. somedays i really do think i deserve you, the knight knelt before me. you’re everything. but other days i want you to wait for something better. something sane and vulnerable and sweet without trying so damn hard. and then i swing back because i want to be that better something for you. i want to learn all the ways you want to be loved. i want to learn how to love without my guard up, without hesitation, without reservation. i’m so indecisive.

i want to be beautiful to you, always. i want to be your shining sun, the water that refreshes you, the reason you’re rushing to get home. i don’t want to be a source of stress or the cause of you feeling like you’re bad with words. maybe im just bad at listening. i know you do things with kindness in your heart. i know you do things out of good intentions and sweetness. because you are sweetness and i would never forgive myself if i turned you bitter. i want you to understand me but i dont want you to know me in that way. i want you to see me as sane, kind, and loving but i can’t always be those things. but that’s what i want to be to you. i promise i can be good, i can be lovely. just let me learn how to be lovely to you. not just on my good days. let me learn how to live my bad days, all i ask is for your patience. you’ve given me so much already, i feel guilty for asking for more. i just want to read your mind. i want to know how you think of me, in honesty and fullness. i want to take criticism without my pride blinding me.

i struggle with perceptions. i struggle with shades of grey. i always want an answer and i want it without the mess of hues. give me black and white, give me absolutes and defined boundaries. i just want to know the facts because opinions are so subjective and i need to know if im objectively crazy. i need to know if im a girl you could ever grow to love or if you have doubts about me. the thought that you might eats at my brain like a termite. my sickness is a parasite and im left with an emptiness in my stomach when all is said and done.

[lavender-transcriptions]

i want to write you poems and sweet words but i can’t think of anything to say that isn’t nonsense. i can’t think of anything that isn’t squeals of excitement or small giggles that leave my lips just from thinking of you. i can’t contain myself. i can’t think without thinking of you. i can’t work with a straight face or listen to my favorite songs without singing them for you, even when you’re not around.

you fill me with something i can only describe as absolute infatuation. i swear ive never spent so long a time feeling the honeymoon phase of a crush. everything i do is with good intentions, you make me want to be a better girl. your girl. i hope i hold that title one day. the way you look at me ensures that it’s just a matter of time. it makes me think about all the dates we’ll go on, all the dinners spent laughing too hard to finish the food, all the movies we start and don’t finish. and even if you didn’t pay for all our dates, dinners, and movies, i would spend every cent of my paycheck just to spend more time with you. because even if we just sat on the bed of your truck to smoke and talk, i’d sit with you all night. and when it’s late and you have to go, ill miss you until i see you again. until then i’ll scream in my truck when no one’s around just because i can’t get over you. i’ll talk about you to anyone that will listen and ill sing in the shower and smile until i fall asleep thinking about you, smelling the scent you left on my pillow.

[lavender-transcriptions]

update: i’m falling again

you’re a sweetness i’ve never known.

i know nice, i have nice friends

i know good, i have good people in my life

i even know complicated, i have a complicated family.

i thought i knew sweet. i thought he was sweet. i thought they all were. but now i know it was only bittersweet. a kind of love that comes with a price, a conditional love. and thats all ive ever known. with family, sometimes friends and even lovers, that’s all ive ever known.

you’re a sweetness I’ve never really known. you show me so much compassion in all the things you say. i know you think you’re bad with words, but you’re not. you’re earnest, you’re true and that shows in your actions too. you’re not all talk, you’re not empty promises, you’re not even hesitant when it comes to me. you’ve given me 110% from the start and you haven’t stumbled, not even a bit.

i don’t have to convince myself, i don’t have to fit puzzle pieces together to try and make a pretty picture out of a messy relationship. you’re giving me such a clear portrait of what could be with you. i want it. i want it all. i want to start slow and build and build and build.

you’re a sweetness i want to know. i want to learn for you how to be better to myself. i don’t need you to teach me, i just want you to be there with me when i figure it out. you treat me with such a kindness that im starting to think i really deserve. i have my doubts still but you’re doing a damn good job at making them seem so small. and i haven’t felt so happy in so long, even when i thought i was happiest. you’re teaching me a care that doesnt ask for payment. you’re so nice. too nice. but i guess i deserve nice.

you’re so sweet, a sweetness i want to know.

[lavender-transcriptions]

Anxious attachments

I can write about the pain all i want but it doesnt stop. Im bad at being patience, but good at forgiving and i think in the end all i want is the kindness that i give. Maybe ill stop thinking its my fault, i feel like im on that journey already. I think ive realized that youre awful and not the person i fell in love with at all. The hard part is accepting it but im on that journey too. I wish it was easy for me. I wish boundaries didnt feel like punishment and that setting my own wasnt such a feat. i wish i wasnt so vulnerable to manipulation and easy to persuade. I wish i didnt fall in love at the drop of a hat and some kind words. Why isnt it satisfying to say “no”? I know anger is not the way i should approach myself, but i cant seem to give myself the same grace as i give to the people that find pleasure in my compliance. 

[lavender-transcriptions]

I want someone to kiss again, just to have and hold

A familiar feeling, when our lips softly mold

Its only been a short while

But you know how to make me smile

And now we have a rhythm, a dance, a song

Only now it does not feel wrong

To kiss a stranger is foreign, empty, and weak

Even if its just one that they sneak

Its not my someone, its not what i know

For this kiss is one i love to see grow

I learned this person, their hopes, dreams, and fears

I know the pattern that reddens their cheeks and ears

The way their lips move against mine makes me sure

Their kiss, their smile, it imitates a cure

But lastly its the way that they taste

Why is this what my mind wont erase

[lavender-transcriptions]

i’m too tired to sleep, too tired to write, i just wanna be in your arms tonight

the familiar ache makes its way into my heart , sometimes i just can’t believe we’re forever apart

i was your starry eyed lover, your button, your girl. i’m sorry for everything, every word in our quarrel

i’ve cried not once, not twice, at least three times or more i wonder if you hurt, if you cry, if you’re feeling this sore

i don’t want to try again, i know nothing will be enough but still, the heartbreak, the loss, it’s awfully tough

it’s getting easier, the feeling good, the feeling better but every once in a while, i wish i got one last love letter

one last night, one last kiss, one last hug, one last hit of my favorite drug

if i had know that this was it, maybe, just maybe i would’ve quit

quit crying, quit pleading, quit begging and bleeding, but i know myself better than to ignore my needing

and that’s the thing that hurts the most. needing and bleeding, all i got was your ghost

i walked out, my knees weak, my heart in my throat. you shut the door in my face, i thought i sensed your gloat

i’m still so lost, so mad, but so confused about you everything i thought i knew, in my face just blew

the nice things, the sweet names, the promises of love. it seemed as though it was just something i dreamed of

was it even real? did you mean any of it at all? i don’t understand, and you don’t answer my call

im too tired to sleep, too tired to write, i’ll just pretend, just for tonight

[ophelia-is-not-okay]

Don't ask me for dating advice. I'll tell you to become the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

[lavender-transcriptions]

New Cydonia

Boredom eats at me. I still check if you're online. I want nothing more than to not care but I just don’t have it in me. My heart still aches. Maybe the death of the artist was an omen. Maybe it was a sign that the starlight would burn out. That we would burn out. I haven’t listened to the music, I skip every song. But now I’m forcing myself to bear the sting. I wonder if you still listen, if you still think of me. If you still smile at the memories or grimace when remembering.  Does it hurt for you?  Does your heart ache?  Does your stomach churn?  Do you wince when you hear my name?  I keep looking for signs. I keep searching for clarity and closure. I'm met with dead ends and depressive spirals. Sometimes I just wish you died instead. You instead of me. Because I didn’t deserve this, did I?  I can’t tell. I’m trying so hard to convince myself that it wasn’t all my fault but the sea of self doubt still consumes me.  I want to still be your starlight.  I want to be your button.  Your ham and cheese.  All those stupid fucking names. All the terms of endearment that have a new meaning of pain and regret. I wish I could fucking hate you. I wish I could break glass over your head. I wish I could hit you with my car. I wish hurting you would make the pain stop. Transfer it, end it, silence it. I may not deserve closure or comfort, but I deserve peace. Silence is not peaceful, it’s torture and I’m alone in the quiet. Self love is a cure-all but I don't have this anecdote. I’m waiting for the epiphany, for the realization and the change of heart. But impatience is a bitch and wrath is a sin. I’m fighting fucking demons to keep myself away from you because my heart is stubborn and hurt.  So I’ll sit here. Writing my sins and tragedies. Begging a god to change the past, begging you to give me another chance and begging myself to just like me back. Time is so excruciating, patience is infernal. I just want out. I want out of this reality. This story. This universe.  Put me back in the timeline, the one where I’m still your girl,  your starlight,  your button,  your ham and cheese.  Take me back to the endearments and pillow talk. I want to live in the past forever.  

[theaftersundown]

*writes two paragraphs after months of literally nothing and it took three hours*

[charbroiledchicken-deactivated2]

if it's good enough for you, then it deserves to be made. don't let anyone else decide if your story is worth it or not.

[lavender-transcriptions]

For my ex

I don’t like it when you take up space in my mind. I will try to write to you without hatred but I know my bitterness will seep through the cracks. I don’t know what to say but I just want you out of my head. I can’t lie and say I’ve forgotten you because even if I seldom think of you, I still feel your effects. I still see the scars from wounds you left in my ability to love. I won’t indulge you in the ways you hurt me, my heart doesn’t break for you anymore. Instead, I want to know about you, I want to ask the questions. I wonder what you’re doing. Whether you’re in the city or the country at all. I wonder if you’re in school, if you’re doing well in the classes or if you’ve given up on the idea of university. I wonder if your father still hits you, if you still talk to him. I wonder if your mother still loves you since you started your transition. I wonder if you still hate yourself. I hope your brothers are well, I hope they know better than you, I hope they grow better than you. They’re the only part of you I miss. I wonder if they asked about me, if they ever wondered. I wonder what you would think of me now. I’m the polar opposite of everything you wanted me to be. My hair is dark and I dress the way that makes me happy. I’m stronger, louder, selfish, and angry. I’m healing, more confident, more mature, and happy. I’m all the things you couldn't stand to see me become. I think this is the best revenge I could have gotten. This is the best way this could’ve played out. I won’t say I hope you’re happy, because I don’t. I just hope you learned. 

[phoenixofthegreenwood]

Me: I love writing, it’s so fun and creatively stimulating!

Also Me while I’m writing:

[deadghostgirl12345]

[lavender-transcriptions]

i have so much ive written but none of it feels good enough to post even here :(

[nondelphic]

being a hobbyist writer means oscillating between 'i don’t care if no one reads my work, it’s just for me' and 'i need my debut novel to outsell tolkien and rowling combined.'

[lannegarrett]