A conversation the other day had me thinking about this the other day so here we are.
Online communities and perceived popularity.
You know that sounded like it was smoother in my head.
What do I mean by the above?
Well I don’t think it’s a thing that is really specific to our kink, nor do I think it’s a thing that is even limited to online spaces, but I’m talking about the phenomenon of people putting others on pedestals.
This can be seen in actions like Parasocial relationships (see a post I’ve done about that before… if you can find it… my post categories are a mess). But that’s only one outcome. This is one form of how objectification can look like in this scenario. Another can be viewing others who are perceived “more popular” as “better”.
This of course discounts a few things:
They’re being well rounded people. We talk about not only judging yourself by your highlight reels/best moments, we also need to try to not do that with others as well.
Lead to resentment based on a fantasy/idea brought about by our own worries.
Further isolation of self as you don’t see yourself there.
It’s a form of hero worship, putting people on a pedestal. It can seem flattering and like you’re giving people compliments but it is a slippery slope for sure.
And I understand it! Because I do the same thing. Consistently. I’m trying to get better at it.
This is what I mean though by it isn’t limited to our kink and to online spaces. Let me elaborate.
I judge myself against people who I perceive to be “pillars of the community.” What do I mean by that? I mean people with thousands of followers, tons of interactions, lots of perceived popularity.
I judge myself in person at gatherings based on how popular other people are perceived to be. Be this on the company they keep, how “in demand” they are (on either side of the slash), and how wanted they (seemingly) are.
I judge myself based on perceived skill level at an activity. If people are better at me at a thing my initial instinct is to just work on getting better at it on my own or move on to another thing.
I judge myself in general in person based on perceived popularity and perceived… “belonging” for lack of a better phrase.
Now excuse me while I stop grilling myself for a moment.
I go through/have went through/still go through all of the above. The issue is that it is a self centered view. Part of my working on getting better about it is realizing that. Let me explain.
Yes, people online can be more “popular” and have more engagement. But you (I) just pay attention to the glamorous bits. Missing the tons of entitled comments, demanding comments, objectifying and degrading comments. (And hopefully none of y’all do that). Yes, they may be very popular, but that means they also possibly have more people being jerks at best and hateful/outright toxic and hostile at worst.
Yes, people will be more “popular” at gatherings in person. But at the end of the day we’re all still people. (I’ll come back to this.) This is an event for friends and to have fun with friends. Pay attention to your own joy and don’t let it be robbed by the comparison game as best you can.
Just because you are not the best at something doesn’t invalidate your efforts or how you do at a thing. Don’t let it stop you/hinder you, otherwise how are you going to get better? You’re doing better than you think and anyone who is actually really good at a thing will be excited to cheer you on about a thing they love.
People having better/closer friends doesn’t invalidate your friendship level either. It isn’t a competition.
Circling back to the second bullet point: treat people like people. It sounds really basic but what I mean by that is to not forget that these people we can put on pedestals and “idolize” come to the table with their own experiences that we discredit if we just look at them in the light of holding them to this higher standard. They have things they deal with outside of the communities we see them in.
I still deal with a lot of these thoughts shockingly regularly. It’s funny, I don’t see myself as “popular” or anything like that. I see my blog as… like. The lowest tier of popularity. I post no content (and don’t plan on) and don’t post consistent teasing content. I don’t get any Asks and interactions from a small handful of accounts (love y’all) but my posts only get really big when other, “popular” blogs reblog them.
But some people still see me as popular? And seek the blog out? Weird how that happens.
I guess what I’ll end it on is to not let compassion steal your joy. It’s hurting both parties: you are making yourself feel worse and you are robbing the other person of their being well rounded for a vision you have in your head.
It’s hard, I know. I deal with it too. But I hope this helps and tbh just had to get it out there I suppose.
