mind dump

[5amagain]

[lavenderbleh]

Loved me with your worst intentions Didn't even stop to question Every time you burned me down Don't know how; for a moment it felt like heaven Loved me with your worst intentions Painted us a happy ending Every time you burned me down Don't know how; for a moment it felt like heaven

[juansendizon]

Be still. Not every rainbow requires a storm.

Juansen Dizon (via juansendizon)

[lavenderbleh]

[visual-infinity]

[colormush]

[lavenderbleh]

this song is tragically sweet, honestly, me. 

[la-llxrxna-blog]

[lavenderbleh]

mahogany my therapist taught me to hold my chest and focus the second the world becomes too loud

and i’m just beginning to learn the difference between fists against drywall screaming, “let me out”

and sore knuckles on mahogany saying, “let me in”. ~ flatsound

[iv-v-mmxii]

[lavenderbleh]

[lavenderbleh]

[survivingsiblingsuicide]

“This is a thing many people outside your grief cannot understand: that you have not simply lost one person, at one point in time. You have lost their presence in every aspect of your life. Your future has changed as well as your “now”.”

— Megan Devine, refugeingrief.com

[fleur-aesthetic]

instagram | birgittetheresa

[lavenderbleh]

Today I cried hysterically when I redownloaded the Starbucks app to my phone and saw an 83 week old gift card from my Dad. That’s what grieving looks like.

Knowing I’m on my 62nd week of my dad dying and unexpectedly having to acknowledge that there will never be anymore little “just thinking of you” gifts from him.

And that every time I post a photo of me or my mom smiling our friends rush to say how good it is to see us happy. It’s unfair, but I can’t help but feel as if the people surrounding us are just waiting for us to be “better” so they can breath a sigh of relief that we are “ok.”

These crushing moments will last for the rest of our lives though. And it’s ok. We’re functional, and we can be happy, but we’re not moving on. We’re simply moving forward because there is no going back.

Let your friends be sad no matter how long it’s been or how silly of a reason it is for the grief to hit them. Don’t stop talking or look away in fear of embarrassing them. Let them know they are seen. Empathy makes grief bearable.

[aestheticboss]

[lavenderbleh]

i am not a canvas

You paint your own definitions of my character over my skin  while I temporarily entertain the idea of their truthfulness  letting the bristles scratch against me as I watch  black and white acrylic words smothering my living canvas  and you going on about how lovely it looks  not noticing the abrasions your brush is causing  but I think to myself I’ve seen this pattern before yet it doesn’t quite look the same

You aren’t the first to paint me though this has hurt the most each time I’m none the wiser to the art that causes this it’s starting to feel like sandpaper, friction against my skin black and white acrylic assumptions smothering the scars and the thing is, paint must dry the real me peeks out from peeling edges pulling layers of skin as I pluck it off raw skin is better than this swirl of black and white definitions that hide the color spectrum beneath it I am not your art because I am not a canvas nor am I yours to define

~ @lavenderbleh​ 12/3/19

Photo by Peter Lockwood

[visual-infinity]

[lavenderbleh]

you say it’s all alright but you’re not who's up at night

[violentwavesofemotion-deactivat]

A long, calm sadness seized her.

Clarice Lispector, from “The Chandelier,” originally published c. 1946 (via violentwavesofemotion)

[visual-infinity]

[lavenderbleh]

there’s a battle raging inside me no one can see my thoughts taking up arms becoming their own worst enemies

~ unfinished @lavenderbleh 11/25/19