Hello all! Important PSA
This blog is going to be inactive for a bit while Kyra and I work through some things.
Thank You!
-Nat

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Hello all! Important PSA
This blog is going to be inactive for a bit while Kyra and I work through some things.
Thank You!
-Nat
For Kyra, how has dating someone trans affected your personal identity?
Hello there :-)Okay first off, this is an account of my own personal identity and this probably isn't the case for a lot of people who were, or are, in my position. When Nat first came out as genderqueer a year and a half ago, I didn't really see it as anything for me to question my sexuality over. But slowly, as he realized he was actually trans, I began to realize things about myself as well. Up until I was 16, I was dating guys and having crushes on them. Then I realized I like girls. I LIKE THEM A WHOLE LOT. I quickly jumped into the lesbian identity not taking into account that I also have other attractions. I think I wanted to embrace the label so badly that I didn't give myself any time to process other attractions I felt tbh :-/ I had crushes on guys sometimes too, even after coming out as a diehard lesbian. I dated someone who was questioning transitioning before Nat (now I believe they are transitioning as far as my knowledge goes) and I was still attracted to them. Even after Nat came out, I was attracted to him as well. Because of the fact that I still experience attractions to males, although I lean heavily towards attraction to women, I've been trying to embrace the idea of bisexuality. I have a lot of internalized biphobia to cope with before I start really accepting this. And I would like to note, this has absolutely nothing to do with Nat. Even if I wasn't with him, I would still come to this conclusion about myself. (He's very supportive and also very cute) So in short, dating someone whose trans didn't directly influence my thoughts over my sexuality but it did play a part in the sense that I had to realize why I was still attracted to Nat as a male. Anyways yeah this is messy sorry :-O -Kyra
I know I’ve put this picture up before but just FYI I’m packing with my freetomprosthetics 4-1 sleek packer and nothing seems out of place.
It has gotten a lot easier to pack with over time once I figured out how to wear it comfortably. All you need is a good jock strap or a tightish pair of briefs/boxer briefs and you’re good! For reference, I am 5'0" and about 145lbs so the size packer I got works with my stocky frame.
Anyway, great product!!! Highly recommend buying one but maybe wait until they release the new ones that are coming out v soon! I might have to get a second one this summer if I can swing it.
Check out my transition blog for more information on my Freetom and my personal experience with it!
-Nat
As transgender people become more visible, so do their struggles — and, hopefully, the amount of straight people wanting to become trans allies grows.
Bustle writes:
1. Never Out Anybody
Never, ever out a person without their express permission; this is not a thing that can be done and then apologized for later. […] The act of outing a trans* person means potentially endangering their jobs, their families, and their bodies. Even if you’re “sure everybody would be OK with it,” don’t. That is not an oopsie you can fix.
2. Know Your Terms
[…] The main thing to get is that it’s not about sexual attraction — there’s a distinction between sexual identity and gender identity, and there are both gay and straight trans people, just like in the non-trans community. There are also people who live outside the gender binary and don’t identify as male or female, and people who may or may not be transgender.
3. Ask About Preferred Pronouns
If you’re unsure about what pronoun a person would prefer, it’s polite to ask, without making a big deal of it. It’s better to make sure they’re comfortable than make a mistake and make them uneasy. […]
4. Know What’s Offensive
[…] Asking invasive questions about operation status or hormones, referring to anybody as “tranny” or “she-male,” or saying they “used to be a man (or woman),”are all misunderstandings and offensive.
5. Realize That It Can Be Painful
Author David Levithan’s explanation, in his book Boy Meets Boy, is: “It is an awful thing to be betrayed by your body. And it’s lonely, because you feel you can’t talk about it. You feel it’s something between you and the body. You feel it’s a battle you will never win … and yet you fight it day after day, and it wears you down.” Embracing your true gender can be a really difficult journey.
6. Never Make Assumptions
[…] Don’t make any assumptions about a trans* person’s medical history, romantic relationships, or feelings about their own life.
7. Listen
[…] As Jamie-Ann Meyers, a trans woman and transgender advocate, wrote for the Huffington Post, many trans* people often feel invisible or excluded, even in fights that may look as if they include them, like protests for LGBT rights. One of the best ways to challenge this? Listen.
8. Fight With Sensitivity
[…] It can be very tempting to ride in, cis-gender, on your white horse, to Solve Trans Discrimination, but that can deny their capacity to fight for themselves. You’re with them, but you ain’t in charge.
9. Keep Your Curiosity About The Process To Yourself
[…] If they want to tell you about hormones, surgery, or whatever other steps they’ve taken/are taking, make it clear that they can, but good allies don’t ask. Also, be aware that there are many ways to transition, and that the surgery-and-hormones route isn’t for everybody.
10. Don’t Say “Gender Doesn’t Matter To Me”
It may seem like the most political thing to say that you don’t “see” gender, and that whichever way a trans* person identifies in gender terms doesn’t matter to you. But this isn’t helpful, in two ways.
One, gender is a real thing — neurologically, the physical structure of our brains reflects and produces our gender identity. Two, saying it’s just a spectrum or a false binary minimizes and makes invisible a trans person’s attempts to live as their preferred gender.
11. Get Political
[…H]ow can you go from supporting friends and people you know to using your Ally Powers in a wider spectrum? Straight For Equality recommends getting educated on the legal challenges facing trans* people — from accessing medical care to being protected against discrimination at work.
Read the whole story!
Straight For Equality: Guide To Being a Trans* Ally
Tips for Allies of Transgender People
Hi guys :-) Here's hoping to everyone having a safe and productive week! Summer break is in full swing for us so if you have any questions or need some advice, feel free to drop by our ask box :-) -Kyra
Hey I don't know if you can help but I'm kinda seeing this beautiful transgirl and before her I've really only been with guys (I'm a girl) and I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing in the bedroom! Like I know she's not comfortable with having male genetalia so I dunno what I can do for/with her that she'll enjoy. Any tips? Thank you so much xoxo
Hello anon!
First off, thank you for this question! I’m glad to be getting trans representation for transwomen on this blog as well! I’m sorry this response is a bit late. I have been very busy with school and packing!
So I want to preface this by saying that I do not have any experience whatsoever dating/having sex with a transwoman, nor have I spoken to any transwomen about anything bedroom related. The advice I give below will be more generalized and I will include many tags to see if someone with more experience can answer your questions better!
Sex can be a very complex issue for a lot of trans individuals simply because many of us experience dysphoria from our genitalia. So when it comes to being the partner of a trans person, this can also put strain on a relationship due to a lack of understanding or communication. Here are a few key points that might be of some help to you:
Communication is KEY. I know this seems obvious but in my own experience, it hasn’t always been very easy for me to tell Kyra that something we were doing was making me uncomfortable. A lot of times, I don’t even say anything. It is mostly because Kyra is so in tune with me that she is able to notice when something is off or that I am uncomfortable. So when she does notice, she makes it a point to ask me about it afterwards. A lot of time, I don’t even realize that something is off and it isn’t until she brings it up that I realize that I have something to say.
Don’t assume based on cis experiences! The worst thing you could do is tell a transguy/transwoman that you want to do something because you did it with a cis girl/guy. Not only does this invalidate their identity but you risk losing their trust because you just outright misgendered them. Having sex with a transguy is NOT like having sex with a cis girl and having sex with a transwoman is NOT like having sex with a cis guy. Just make sure you keep that in mind.
Don’t do anything they aren’t comfortable with! One of the pitfalls of being trans is that your dysphoria is constantly shifting and evolving. Maybe one week you are perfectly fine with your partner touching you a certain way but the next, the thought of doing the same thing gives you a panic attack. So as the partner of a trans person, you need to make sure that your partner is comfortable with whatever you are doing. Even if you’ve done 10 times earlier that day, that 11th time might be different. So just be aware yeah?
Have fun with it! Yes there are a few more things to keep mind when you have sex with a trans person because it isn’t something that people are used to talking about (which is why we need better sex-ed!!!), but that shouldn’t make it a high stress situation. Don’t get so wound-up about your partner’s discomfort that it begins to make sex stressful instead of fun. Trans people don’t want to feel like we are a burden to be intimate with. Just know your partner. Know them. Be safe. Be consensual. Be funny and sexy. Focus on working each other up. Make foreplay long and crazy. Sex doesn’t have to be 100% focused on genitalia. There is so much more to it!!!
But yeah, that’s all I’ve got for now!!! If anyone has some better/additional advice, please feel free to reblog and add!!! :)
-Nat
I recently started coming out as trans. I bought a binder, packer, cut my hair, etc. The thing is, even though my mother knows, she's still pushing for me to stick with 'genderfluid'. Which is fine, except she keeps telling me that I don't look good with short hair etc. I know i'm ugly, and overweight, so it doesn't suit me. I guess i'm ugly as both genders, but do you have any advice on being stuck as female simply because I make one ugly(er) guy? I don't know what to do anymore.
Hey there!!!
Super sorry for how late this response is coming in. I was overwhelmed by finals and moving out but hopefully you do see this!
So first off, I think it’s pretty shitty of your mom, or anyone for that matter, to try to tell you what identity suits you and which one doesn’t. At the end of the day, YOU are living in YOUR body and it’s YOUR mind. You know how you feel and you know who you are. I know it’s hard when it comes to people we care about or people we believe have our best interests at heart, but try and learn to stand firm on your own identity and your convictions. Just because she is your mom does not give her the right to tell you to identify one way or another.
If she doesn’t like your short hair, that’s fine. My mom hates my hair. Your mom might be telling you she doesn’t like it in an effort to discourage you from having it the way you want. Because there are hundreds and thousands of short hairstyles, each one different from the next and some that flatter some face types more than others. So if she’s saying that you don’t look good, it’s not because short hair is wrong for you, its because she is trying to control what you do and don’t like. Try downloading one of those apps or find one of those online tools that lets you upload a picture of yourself and lets you layer different kinds of hair over the picture so you can see what you like best!!
You are not stuck as female, okay? There are so many different body types and ways to present a particular gender. In the end, it’s your identity as that gender that matters. But I understand wanting to look as socially-acceptable as male as possible. What I recommend is staying away from the popular posts on the FTM tag that glorify a specific kind of transguy figure: White, lean, tall, muscular, short hair, etc. That IS NOT the norm for transguys!!! That is simply what society has deemed as the “acceptable” kind of transguy. I’m 5′0″, stocky, chubby, latino, and don’t have washboard abs or chiseled arms. You should try and find the places on here or elsewhere that show a greater diversity in trans guys. There are so many different and unique ways to be trans. Don’t get stuck trying to fit into a mold that wasn’t meant for 99% of us. I promise that once you unlearn these toxic mindsets, you will start to feel better!!!
Hope this helped :)
-Nat
Hey everyone! Thank you so much for the influx of followers! We can't post much as we haven't been getting many questions, but we are checking this constantly! If you need any advice or have any questions about transitioning/being in a trans/cis relationship, send them our way :-) -Kyra
Hello lovely followers!
Sorry for the lack of posts as of late. Kyra and I have been spending some much needed down time recently due to unexpected events in my family. However, as this week begins, we will be ready to take on more of your questions, comments, and assorted chocolate truffles. So send any one of those our way! Or all three!! Or maybe just the last one of you want! -Nat :D
Maryland has come up trumps as 18th state to ban discrimination on transgender. Congrats! Let’s make this worldwide!
Transgender Day of Visibility
Hello all! I hope that this TDOV finds you doing well. I've been reflecting a bit on what "visibility" means in the context of trans narratives and I've realized something important. Visibility is not about being 100% out to 100% of the people 100% of the time. Visibility is more of an act of defiance against those who do not acknowledge or value your existence. So on this TDOV, be visible. Whether that means posting selfies on social media, sharing an article about trans-related activism with a friend or family member, drawing up the courage to correct someone who misgenders you, coming to terms for yourself that you are trans; make space for yourself in your community, family, school, other social groups, or even just within your own mind. Visibility can also be as simple as letting yourself acknowledge that you are trans and that is nothing to be ashamed of. The point is that someone (even if that someone is just you) should be made more aware of the fact that trans people DO exist, ARE valuable members of family and community, and WILL be around for good. Have a good day all :) - Nat & Kyra
Kyra Asks
As a gay woman dating a trans guy, I feel a huge separation from both the straight and lgbtqia communities.
I’m out of place in both of them and I feel like it’s hard to find people to relate to because of my relationship.
If you are in the same position as me, do you ever feel this way too?
(1/2) how do you feel about otherkin identifying themselves as trans? like i have rly mixed thoughts about it because i feel like everyone should be able to experience gender in their own way, BUT a lot of otherkin seem to make a mockery of themselves, and by extension, the trans community. i dont want to feel like im gender policing, but at the same time, im really uncomfortable with the idea that it causes ftm and mtf trans people to be taken less seriously
(2/2) I’m nonbinary and i dont identify as trans because, like, my experiences as a nb person are by no means the same as or nearly as difficult as the experiences of trans people. i have been told that NOT wanting to id myself as trans is transphobic, but i dont really feel comfortable appropriating a term that applies to people who ID differently than me AND probably have way more difficulties in life because of that
Oh man. So first off, thank you so much for this question! Before I say anything or even begin to answer this, I have very limited knowledge on otherkin things and you don’t have to agree with what I am saying, these are just my opinions!!!
So first and foremost, I want to say that I do not believe that otherkin-identified people have a place in the trans community. Before anyone gets themselves all riled up, let me explain. As far as I know, identifying as otherkin has nothing to do with gender or sexuality. It has more to do with identity as a human being? Like you don’t feel right in your body but not because of your specific genitalia/fat-distribution/chest, etc. You don’t feel right in your body because you either feel like a different species, entity, or literary person, etc?? Being trans (in its most basic definition) means not identifying with the gender you were assigned at birth. So why would you try and co-opt a label that has nothing to do with your identity as an otherkin? That being said, otherkin does not fit into the LGBTQIA spectrum either because those are all terms that deal with gender/sexuality. Being otherkin has more to do with humanness or personhood in general (as far as I know)
This is not to say that you can’t be trans and otherkin. I’m sure that works out somehow for some people, but that’s not what I am getting at here. To the best of my understanding, the otherkin community developed out of people self-diagnosing and coping with specific mental illnesses/disorders/etc. And that is a very different set of issues that may tie into trans-related issues but are by no means the same thing (no matter what the DSM says).
I want to personally thank you anon, for being so conscious of the affect that these identifiers and categories can have on not only yourself but those around you. I really appreciate how you see the issue of making trans an extremely wide umbrella and what that means for a lot of people in the trans community seeking medical procedures/treatments/etc. While in a perfect world, the trans umbrella would be socially and institutionally big enough to encompass all forms of gender expression, we do not live in a perfect world. Separating trans as an institutional term from trans as a social term can be very useful for ftm/mtf trans people because of the prevalence of gate-keeping and gender policing (etc.).
Tbh, I feel like non-binary individuals should have their own acronym in the LGBTQIA spectrum (even though it’s getting long as it is lol). Because in my experience, there are plenty of non-binary folks who don’t feel quite right calling themselves trans you know?
But yeah! Sorry for the super long answer!!
What advice to you have for coming out as trans to your cis partner?
Hello anon!
Thanks for the question! I will do my best to answer it :)
So I’ll preface this by saying that no matter what advice I give you or anyone, you have to keep your own relationship dynamic in mind. Because my advice is coming from someone who came out as trans to my cis partner after having been with them for over 1.5 years. And for 100% clarification, I am in a monogamous, closed relationship.
Be 100% honest with your partner. As much as you can be and as soon as you can be. When I first came out to Kyra, I didn’t identify as ftm. I just said that I thought I was trans and needed to figure things out but that was my starting point. However, it took a lot out of me to tell her this and admit it to myself and dragging it out for more than a month did affect our relationship. This isn’t to say that you should rush your own mental processes for the sake of your relationship but you do have to bear in mind that while the biggest changes will be occurring in your life, your partner will feel those changes on a greater level than virtually anyone else.
Be patient with them. In my particular situation, Kyra knew about me being trans before I did so it was more of her being patient with me but for others, it’s not like this. You figuring out your identity may or may not have an affect on your partner’s identity and sometimes that is difficult to reevaluate for them. Just be patient with them but also make sure to take care of your own well-being.
When telling them, if they know very little about the trans community or aren’t well equipped to discuss your identity with you, provide them with resources or explain things to them yourself. It sucks that the information and knowledge isn’t always readily available and it is necessary to understand that not everyone has had exposure to trans-info. Educate them if need be and make sure they are aware of things that could be offensive/derogatory.
Inform your partner of what dysphoria is (if they don’t know) and specifically what makes you feel dysphoria. Ask them to be mindful of your body language because sometimes it’s hard to verbally express discomfort. Also, it doesn’t hurt to ask if they have noticed any changes in your behavior toward them or towards yourself that may indicate dysphoria just so you are aware of how you are unconsciously expressing certain things.
More importantly than the above points, just be mindful of yourself and what you are comfortable with. Be aware of your own safety and really think about how well you know your partner and whether or not you are certain that coming out to them won’t risk your safety or health in anyway. Because at the end of the day, you are the one who identifies as trans and you are the one who will be battling with dysphoria and mental breakdowns and unwanted moments of self-consciousness. Really consider if your partner will be not only willing but glad to accompany you on this scary but ultimately satisfying journey or if they will only make it more difficult for you.
I hope that was all okay. There are probably more things that I could add but the post is long as it is. Feel free to ask me more specific questions or come off anon if you have more personal ones! I won’t post any answers publicly unless given the okay. Take care of yourself anon! I wish you the best and hope that your SO is cool and good to you :)
-Nat
Hi everyone! I updated the theme if you want to check it out. It’s a little more aesthetically pleasing :-)
-Kyra
my partner is ftm transgender and i'm worried he doesn't think i support him enough. what are good ways to show support?
Hey there!!
Okay so I’m going to try my best to answer this thoroughly.
First off, this is a very big thing happening in your partner’s life! It’s exciting and scary and wonderful and terrible all at the same time! You have to understand that with all of this going on, there will be good days and bad days.
Open up communication with your partner and focus mainly on listening to them and how they’re feeling and if there are any ways for you to make things just a little better. Make sure you enable them to feel comfortable enough to open up about days they feel dysphoric or days they feel like they’re unstoppable!
Go with them to doctor’s appointments if you’re both comfortable enough. Be there for them if they choose to medically transition. If they get surgery, be there by their bedside for when they wake up.
Tell them how incredibly handsome they are (or whatever adjectives they prefer).
Also make sure they know you’ll be with them for every step of the way. Nat sometimes worries I won’t be attracted to them anymore (sorry if this is sharing too much) and the best thing I can do is show them I am. Sometimes just simple body language can be enough.
Anyways yeah sorry I’m not exactly good at this advice stuff yet but I tried my best!!!
-Kyra
You don’t know what I’ve been through just to get to this point. And I still have such a long journey ahead of me. I am still unlearning self hate and dissatisfaction. I can’t help but cry when I reminisce on this long journey. To all my Trans sisters out there, girl, do you! Let’s storm this world. Our voices slay.