A Place To Think Out Loud @lavivika - Tumblr Blog

My Journey of Mental Understanding (With a little bit of a help guide in there)

What can we say about 2020? Honestly, not much that people have not typed out before. It really is a tough year. Mental health is at an all time low. This is a good time to reach out, help ourselves, help eachother. We just have to remember that we’re not alone in our struggles.

It has been a few years since I came here to create a space to empty my head of thoughts. It was definitely something I needed to do, something that was long overdue. Things became a little more clear when laid out in front of me to really go over properly. You can go back to my post ‘Laying it all Out’ to read through that very long and possibly needlessly overcomplicated events that made me really look at my mental health and start changing the way I thought to help all around.

A lot of time has passed, so where am I at now? Definitely in a place where I’m thinking in a different way, where I am taking more time to consider my thoughts, thanks to having the right avenues to talk when things crashed down with my mental health. It put things into perspective. Even so, there are a lot of mental scars left behind, stuff that still causes moments of depression, where I lose ‘me’. Thoughts and behaviours that are deeply engrained are hard to undo, as I’m sure many can understand. Given time and effort, you change the way you think. While not perfect, I have been through quite a journey to combat my OCD and severe anxiety, approaching my negative thoughts in different ways that makes me take time to consider everything slowly. It is easy to allow yourself to be pushed by your thoughts into repetative, unhelpful behaviours. Challenging yourself is not a bad thing to see whether what you’re thinking is helpful or unhelpful. I work every day to be an improved version of myself, whether the negativity in my head wants me to or not.

I wanted to share some guidance from my experience in how to deal with becoming overwhelmed by your mental health which could possibly cause problematic behaviours. I hope somebody may find this helpful.

* Negativity can sometimes drive us into difficult situations and conflict because of the way our mental health works. It can be hard to relate that to other people when we are struggling, something that may cause us to be unable to react normally. If you think you can speak up to let people know what’s happened to cause any problems, it would help for other people to understand your situation. If you need time to do so, give yourself that time so you can get yout thoughts in order. You don’t have to tell people things you don’t want to. Some things are your business alone, somethings others should respect. Try to be straightforward when you explain things. Don’t let your fear make you say anything that doesn’t reflect essentially what is going on.

* Self-loathing is an easy trap to fall into. Try not to let negative situations destroy your sense of self worth. Even if you do things wrong, this isn’t the end. Nobody gets to dictate who you are going forward, only you. If you aim to improve yourself and be a good person, then focus on that. You deserve to have a positive sense of self. You WILL have a positive impact on other people. Positives and negatives come and go. Relationships and interactions are just generally complicated.

* Conflicts are not always black and white. One person or more may be perceived negatively. Apologising is a good start if that can help diffuse a situation. Talking is also good where possible. Don’t let yourself be silenced, by yourself or other people, into speaking up in a conflict. You have the right to tell your side of the story. Even if you’re in the wrong, things may not always be clear cut. There is a room to disagree as long as you do so respectfully. But above all, try to accept where you are wrong and show you are sorry.

* Some behaviours are not an easy to resolve, so try not to be too ashamed. It may take you a long time to finally recognise the pattern that leads to mistakes. Don’t be so hard on yourself for falling into repetative behaviours. Learned behaviours need time to address appropriately.

* Aim to make people understand rather than make excuses when it comes to mental health, especially if you’re a part of a bad situation. Understanding offers a persepective, while taking responsibility for your part in a situation.

* Not everything has a resolution. Some situations are outside of your control, just like mental health can be at times. Fear can drive you to make things worse, so don’t let yourself get into such a desperate state. Try to find a way to address these thoughts that takes you away from negativity. Talk about it, post about it. Don’t just let the thoughts sit in your head to be overthought.

I may add more to this in the future! Hopefully what I’ve put will be of some use to someone else out there! I wish you all well as we continue to journey through 2020. Please take care!

#mentalhealh #selfhelp #overcoming negativity #healing #reflecting

theemotionmachine

#self help

tanya-nicole

There comes a time when you have to stop beating yourself up over the mistakes you’ve made.

Unknown (via tanya-nicole)

#healing #forgive yourself

charleighwrites-deactivated2019

that’s how you survive - getting up and showing up, and beating fear at its own damn game.

- charleigh aleyna. (via charleighwrites)

#great advice #anxiety #fighting doubt

twloha

Depression is not a weakness. In fact, it takes great strength to fight it. For someone who is depressed, even the easy parts of life require effort.

Aabye-Gayle D. Francis-Favilla, “Depression Is Not a Weakness” (via twloha)

#understanding depression #anxiety

Thoughts can both guide or hinder us. They can be powerful in both good and bad ways. But we must always remember that thoughts are just that, thoughts. They don't have to be manifested beyond a fleeting consideration. We have the power to decide which thoughts to embrace and those to discard. Only embrace the ones that lead you on a path guided by positivity. Embracing negativity is just embracing a repetative cycle of misery. Keep yourself in forward motion no matter what and create positive experiences so that the negativity inside has less of an impact.

Lavivika (Thought of the day)

#Helpful Tips #anxiety #ocd #self help

It's hard to let others know of our problems. First, we can feel embarrassed to admit that we don't have our lives together as well as (we fantasize) they have theirs. Then, if our problems are lasting awhile, we don't want others to get fed up with our complaints. Or, we might explain what's bothering us only to have others say, "I don't get it. I don't know what you mean." Or, worse yet, "What's the big deal?" In addition, people can start giving us advice on how to fix it and expect us to take action soon. Speaking to someone about a problem doesn't mean that we are feeling courageous enough to try to fix it. These possible reactions can be good reasons to keep our problems to ourselves. (Read On)

A really helpful site for tackling anxiety. Has a step by step guide which others may find useful.

#anxiety #helpful tips

The more we focus on something, the more significance it begins to have. When we relive small moments over and over, we give it power over our lives - power to impede our growth and paralyze us with fear. But the faster we can learn to forgive ourselves, the less those things end up mattering and the faster we can move on to more important things… like our goals.

Unknown

#sound advice #anxiety #depression #self help #healing

Laying It All Out

It has been beneficial to finally sit down and put everything in one place, addressing all the things that have weighed me down so heavily over the years. When you lay things out in front of you, putting everything into perspective, it all becomes so much clearer to see and understand. I decided that to finally deal with the negative thinking and such, it was time to finally open up. I want to share my experiences not only to help myself overcome my problems, but maybe also, to help others who may also have gone through experiences pushed by anxiety and haven’t been able to talk about them because they don’t make sense or don’t reflect well on them. I hope my experiences will be something to learn from, and that people will come to understand how unpredictable anxiety can be in how process things and behave.

It can be so easy to complicate simple things with overthinking, making a situation grow completely out of control. Fear and negative thinking can push you to react in ways that seem beyond your control at the time; it can leave you struggling for a while afterwards to calm yourself. There is a lot of regret that comes from getting yourself in such a state. It can be an all-consuming experience. I’ve made plenty of mistakes while like this, things that were truly unintentional. It really brings you down and you beat yourself up over it constantly. Most of the time you are afraid to tell people about what’s going on inside your head, or you can’t actually find the words to express yourself properly, because you can’t make sense of it. You even try to hide from it. At first you think that these negative feelings are going to pass in time. Unfortunately, even with times of calm thinking, your brain latches onto the negative things, and every now and again, the same old thoughts re-emerge, in a painfully repetitive cycle.

This is the first time I have ever openly talked about things. I chose not to speak up for many reasons. Firstly, I am a private person; I prefer to be as safe and as comfortable as possible in whatever I do. Secondly, I was afraid people would refuse to hear what I have to say. I am not sure if this was wholly how I was thinking at the time, it did feel like I was not allowed to speak. But saying nothing is not helping me anymore. I honestly should have opened up a lot earlier; maybe then, a lot of what happened could have been avoided for the most part. So, here I am.

Even though I’m very uncomfortable about speaking up, I know it is something I have to do. This will probably end up being quite a long piece, but after spending so many years not saying anything, I just want to make sure everything is covered in one go, clearly wrapped up and laid out before me, so that I do not need to go over it again. I hope this will read as clearly as possible. Before I go on, I want to be clear that this isn't about me simply making excuses, but about understanding where possible. Also, some identifying details will not be mentioned due to privacy - this extends to anyone else mentioned in this – they will be mentioned by their online alias only.

Let me start from the beginning:

Many, many years ago, I set up a Thunderbirds fan group. It was a way of connecting with people who shared the same interest at a time when there weren’t a lot of places to go to meet up and chat. It was a nice little place - nothing especially extraordinary, but it became a well-functioning community. I met many great people there over the years, some of whom I am still friends with today. The wider community grew, other groups appeared; some activities that had started out in my group eventually moved over to those other places as they grew into bigger forms, improved by technology and capability. Despite my site getting a little left behind, it still carried on as a good meet up spot. At a later point in the site’s run, I took a step back - mainly due to commitments to education and new projects. I left the site in the care of Tikatu, a regular of the site, so that it would stay up and running, and not be abandoned like other places had been, which had been overtaken by spam. Though I took a step back, I still thought fondly about the old community. I popped back on occasion but otherwise, I was off doing other things, leaving the site in the care of others.

Sometime later, and I am not exactly sure when it first started, I began to experience one of the first instances of severe anxiety. I have had nervous instances as I grew up, but generally they never lasted very long and things were quickly forgotten about. But at this point, for some reason, my ability to process and cope was not working very well at all. Everything just seemed to suddenly overwhelm me all at once. It was as if my head and chest was constantly clamped, and there seemed to be no way to stop it. I found it difficult to handle things, reacting without really processing what was happening. From this, I became really focused on my privacy. When I was younger, I was a lot less conscience of these things, and may have opened myself up a little too much. With becoming more self-aware of this, I wanted to make sure I had a handle on everything.

This eventually brought me back to my old site. During this time, it was sadly action over reasonable thought. My mind was all over the place. It seemed to get stuck in my head that the site had become a place of exposure, that my privacy was not safe. I just remember being overcome with an overwhelming need to protect myself. The pressure in my head was terrifying. When I look back on it now, if I’d actually sat down and unpacked the situation carefully, I could have taken the time to deal with the problems without too much issue. Of course, it is easy to look back now and acknowledge what I could have done. What actually happened at that time, in a crushing moment of anxiety, was that I deleted the site. Before doing so, I tried to send out a message through the inhouse system to let people know about the site being deleted. I do not remember what I wrote, but I am certain that there was no mention of the things I was going through at that time. Honestly, I had no idea what I was going through; there was no way for me to possibly explain any of this to a lot of people I did not really know or was comfortable being especially personal with. Even so, I did not want to delete things without saying anything. Unfortunately, something I had forgotten, was that the system was fairly unreliable when sending out group messages. Usually, it would take a full day or even two before messages would reach people, rarely ever within a few hours. For some reason, I got it into my head that once it was sent, it would be received by people very quickly, but with the site gone, the message went with it. If I had not been in a such an anxious state, I might have remembered this; though, if I had been able to process more clearly, this situation might have not happened like this.

Soon after, Tikatu contacted me about the site disappearing, unsure of whether something bad had happened without either of us knowing. When it came to responding, I just could not really explain what happened, especially as I did not have a grasp of things in my head. I have only really gotten a grasp now that I have had had years to go over it. I was very confused, not really realising the vulnerable state I was in. Instead, I responded with something that wasn't truly related to what I was experiencing in that moment. I said something about not returning, and I did not want to leave the site up, and wanted people to focus on building up the other sites around at the time. While I was certainly forthcoming that it was me who deleted the site, other things mentioned in the message were not really the most accurate response. At the time this all happened, it was the case I was not especially thinking about returning, but this was not an absolute certain and I had not made any final decisions over this; there was always a possibility I might return in some way when I was ready to do so. I certainly do not think this reason particularly would have been a significant one for me to delete a site over. I am not certain why I went with this particular line of thought, though, I did not really consider what I was saying at the time as I was not in the right place. It seemed anything was easier than trying to talk about the situation I was going through when this all happened. It was a scary time for me. I did not understand what was going on in my mind; I just wanted to feel safe, even though I was being nonsensical in the way I went about it. Understandably she was angry with me, having not received any site message and then receiving this message out of nowhere. This ended in a very negative way, as to be expected.

It did not sink in for a long time that a community I had created to bring people together was suddenly gone. I was in a dark place at the time and did not think anyone would care with all the other sites about that were doing their own thing. It was all left in a confusing state.

Sometime went on, I happened across a post by Tikatu regarding the situation. What shocked me in the first instance was that the post contained word for word the content of the email response I’d sent her. Because of my anxiety over privacy, it upset me that not only had a private message I had sent was posted up publicly without my consent, but also that I was also seeing for the first time in a while the things I had messaged were not truly accurate with my thoughts and what had happened at the time. It was like seeing a version of myself created by fear when I was at a low point, not able to make sense of why I was thinking or doing things as I did. I understood that this post had been done because she was angry and she wanted to cover what had happened. It made me think about those who had still been active on the site and had been left in confusion after it suddenly disappeared. I felt bad for everything that had happened, and decided to send late apologies to her and a few other people. Even so, when I did send a message, I still did not understand fully what I was going through or was comfortable talking about the wider problems, just saying I was going through a rough time, which was nowhere near explaining how terrible my anxiety was. Being driven by overwhelming thoughts is really destructive. Apologies were accepted, though, I did express to Tikatu that I was uncomfortable with the private message being up publicly and did ask for it to be removed. Seeing it was like a display of my failure to cope and me failing myself and other people. She had her own reasons for not removing the message, though instead changed the settings so it was not public. Another entry was made with an update about everything, and that is how things were left. I did not feel particularly secure with it being that way, but eventually I calmed down over it. Though I still had lingering anxiety, things moved on.

A few years later, completely at random, I came across a piece Tikatu had written. It was not really a negative piece at all, but it just so happened to have a small remark regarding myself and the site that was deleted – not even a big point of the piece. I suppose there was something in the way it was worded that set something off inside my head. It triggered my insecurities. The overall situation had left a lot more unresolved issues than I had originally thought. My thoughts kept going back to that email message. I was just overwhelmed with negativity. I just seemed to think there was still a lot of hate remaining. I didn’t want people to keep seeing a version of me that wasn’t really who I was; it was a false front for someone who was afraid to speak up about their overwhelming problems. I don’t know why I thought like this. Nothing had happened outside of the original situation to say otherwise. I just got inside my own head over something so small. Even so, I wanted this horrible version of myself to disappear, which is where things spiralled out of control, with me suddenly wanting ‘this’ deleted and ‘that’ deleted. I knew I could not change what had happened, but I just wanted to stop these thoughts. I ended up sending a lot of confusing, desperate messages to her, making demands and expressing dismay when things did not work out as I expected. Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I realise with shame how unreasonable the whole thing was. I still cannot believe I had a meltdown over something so small. It must have been so confusing for her. Anything that came into my head I suddenly had to say, but it was not actually anything I needed to say at all. I do not think a lot of it made sense. I also did not get across in any significant way as to what was going on to cause me to act like this. Even so, what I was saying was not from a place of vanity, but unreasonable fear. It is clear she got the wrong impression of me because of it, not that I blame her at all. It took me a while to shake off the anxiety and the choking sensation that came with it. I did not feel good about once again letting my anxiety make this situation something it was not. I wanted to feel safe and protected, but I was going about it in all the wrong ways. Even after all that, she removed my name from the entry on that piece, and didn’t wish to speak with me again. It was a very reasonable reaction given what happened. Though I remained nervous about everything, I did eventually calm down enough to leave it alone.

Many years went by after that. I was going through another really bad period of anxiety, when on a random occasion I came across one of Tikatu’s sites. It really is sad to say, but a part of me had become somewhat mistrustful after what had happened previously. A part of me wanted to make sure that things were still not public after everything, and I went to have a look. I just wanted to put my mind at ease. At this point, I had not spoken publicly about anything I had been going through, something I still was not ready to do. I just did not want things to be misconstrued, nor did I want this to affect anything going forward.

When I went to the site, I noticed certain messages that were said to be restricted suddenly public again, something to do with changing sites. Though I was anxious over this, I was in a much more controlled state than I had been previously at this point. I did not wish to cause trouble, though as those messages were asked not to be public, I hoped this would be the case with these as well. I did not like the idea of contacting her when she did not want me to, but decided to send a small message asking, hoping things would go reasonably. Her response was very terse and sharp. She probably had no idea what to expect from me, so became angry about it. She did restrict a few of the entries I requested about, but then made a scathing public post, without naming names, saying that I was jealous, crazy, vain, selfish; stalking about focused on looks and pretending I had done nothing wrong. I was told not to make any further responses, to her directly or even to that post, not that I had ever tried or wanted to respond on any of her posts before this, otherwise everything would be made public. I was in complete shock and devastated at some of the assumptions made. I was not out to cause trouble as it was implied or wanting to say I had done nothing wrong, but I had become so scared about my privacy that I became problematic in how I approached the situation because I was struggling with anxiety to comprehend things in a reasonable way.

I hold my hands up and take responsibility for letting things unfold as they did. My anxiety was still taking hold, creating a version of myself in my head that I did not feel was actually me. I wanted that version to just go away, in every form it took. It was a very hard time and I was very, very low. My head was going in all different directions. I had not set out to cause trouble intentionally, though I acknowledge that the things I was doing and the way I was thinking was becoming a problem. Despite everything that was happened and was said, I was not vulgar or threatening at any point. Even so, I was too forthright and pushy when stressed, which was not okay. I failed myself and others by not sitting down and letting myself deal with this in a reasonable way. I was just too focused on feeling secure. The more I seemed to fight to keep my privacy, the more and more little things seemed to go against me. It became such an overcomplicated mess.

After that last communication, I have not contacted her again. I said I would not with the last message and have kept to that. I did not want more trouble, for me, or for her. It was just an unnecessary mess. After that situation, I was too frightened to just speak out at all, just to give people another side to things, even talking about where I went wrong. I doubted anyone would want to listen to me. It was a very lonely experience. No matter what I did, I always seemed to keep making the same mistakes. I will not deny, at any point, that I acted in a nonsensical manner. I just want people to understand that it was an odd situation not simply driven by cruelty, vanity or jealousy. It was fear that was a significant driving force, a fear so strong it made me focus on and overthink this situation, making it such a painfully repetitive thought. I became so scared of everything and everyone. I put so much intense negativity over everything. It even began to transfer onto other things, whether they were a negative or just something random. I ended up feeling helpless; I lost my trust in people. It took me a long time to try to recover, but even then, I was always filled with self-doubt and lingering negativity. I just ended up worried a lot of the time, about things that should not matter anymore. I just wanted to feel safe. I started to act as if I was not allowed to have good things.

I am sure there will people who will read this and wonder why I would get so worked up over such little things, maybe even wonder why it all went on for as long as it did. Or you might just be confused. It is really difficult to explain to anyone who’s never experienced crushing anxiety why these things constantly overwhelm you. Anxiety makes everything worse than it may actually be. It suffocates you and takes away all sense and reason until you no longer know what to think. You end up a point where you just want to run away from yourself. If I had more courage and more control of my thoughts, I may have spoken up before now and not let things get to the stage they got. I may have been able to get advice how to deal with how I was feeling. But fear stopped me. I thought people would just dismiss me, or even do worse things to me. Though, even after everything, nobody could really hurt me and make me think worse of myself than me. I do not like upsetting people; not at all. It is a side effect of the anxiety driven behaviours.

I have not communicated with Tikatu at all after that last instance, and there have been no interactions anywhere outside of this either. I do admit though, on the very odd occasion, I would be drawn back into a repetitive cycle of anxiety with checking on those posts, looking and reconfirming what I knew of the situation, just so I could have the reassurance that everything was as was, no private information disclosed, just to find some level of calm again. There was no interacting or engaging at all. Even so, I fully acknowledge here, with this cycle of things, what has been scathingly said in the past outside of this post with regards to me, without turning away from what was asserted or assumed in those other posts, with some things mentioned here before. Whatever may have been previously believed, when it came down to it, I just wanted to feel safe. It was not about denying doing anything wrong, and I was not jealous at any point; it was about privacy. I was not intending to cause trouble with the checking; all the same, I can accept and see how it would be troubling. It was not helpful that I was getting caught up in these cycles, nor was it helpful to anyone else either. It was not the right way to go and was not a practical way to recover. It had become a deep-rooted coping method that I was going around in circles with. The behaviours were a struggle to fully deal with; sometimes I was able to handle them, sometimes I was not. It was a really hard thing to experience with finding myself constantly consumed by uncertainty; this is not an excuse at all, though may offer some form of explanation to what was happening. Though now, with a recent concern raised about me randomly checking posts while at one of my low points – seen through a traffic monitoring system - it finally brought everything to a head. While I had not being trying to communicate, or cause issue or offence, it raised plenty of questions and apprehension. Once again, a post appeared with many pieces of the whole situation being divulged in response. It was the situation I needed to finally sit down and go over everything inside my head and force myself to see things with more reason than I had before. I needed to put an end to this helplessness that was consuming me. I needed to take back the control I had seemingly lost.

I made sure to lay everything out when I wrote this, no matter how hard it was. It needed to be clear, it needed to look at every situation for what it was. The anxiety had gone on long enough. It was important to take responsibility for myself, to handle where I was wrong, but I also importantly needed to stop punishing myself more than needed. I had to stop being frightened. I needed to understand in myself why this kept happening and find a way forward. Speaking up was what was needed to put it into perspective and accept everything. Everyone else had their time to speak their minds and make assumptions. It just seemed like the right time to speak up and share my side of things, without insulting or disregarding the views of all involved. I want people to understand that we all make mistakes, that we mess up in ways you might not think possible. The greatest power is to accept that we make those mistakes and show that we can learn from them. At no point have I wanted to be spiteful or cause misery, though I understand that what happened may have caused hurt, discomfort and frustration. I never wanted to change the past; I just didn’t want to be misconstrued because of being unable to be straightforward about the anxiety struggles that I was intensely experiencing at the start of things. As I have said, it was definitely something at the time I did not understand or could talk to about to people not close to me. I do wish that I had been able to cope in a more helpful way that could have prevented a lot of what happened.

I definitely will not be communicating with Tikatu with regards to this post or anything else, nor will I go back to her sites or pages at all. I want to leave things behind and have no more hostility. I am not sure if she will ever read this. If she does, I want to say that I have a lot of regrets about how things turned out. I wish that I had been a stronger person to not let things get on top on me and have that effect someone else. Things got out of hand; at some point of time, it even stopped being about my old site. The focus was mainly stuck on the situation that came out of it, what was said and assumed as time went on, causing so much anxiety. But what has been said has been said. But now, I refuse to have any further negativity around anything or anyone anymore with regards to this. To her particularly, though also to anyone else who needs to hear this within this situation, I offer my utmost apologies. I am truly sorry that I failed you and let this situation become the big mess it was. I am sorry for any negative feelings and discomfort I caused you after all this time. As previously mentioned, you will not hear from me again on the matter. If you choose to accept my apology or not, that is your choice to make. I will accept it either way, no issue.

I want to make it clear that I will never take away from her viewpoint. I may not agree with everything said, done, assumed, or handled on a public front, but I accept that everyone is entitled to say what they need to, however it appears. I hope that the posts and such that have been restricted/locked will remain so with kind regard going forward; also, that privacy with any personal details will be maintained. (I avoid, where possible, using my name online, as I wish to remain private. I do believe nonetheless that this kind of substantial thing would be given considerable respect, and I hope this does not read negatively or disparagingly with mentioning it; I apologise in any case.) I only mention both of these things just for peace of mind, if you understand, and am truly thankful for any kindness and consideration given. I also wish for privacy extends to both sides, and hope anyone who reads this will respect it for myself, and just as much for Tikatu as well.

I do not know if anyone will ever see or choose to respond to this, but I will not be bringing up anything more on the matter; I hope others will leave it be as well. Anything else said before and after this post, including Tikatu’s most recent post as well, will be down to other people. I would like to see things remain respectful and not have any further distress caused. I hope the framework of this post is not chopped up to take away from what has been said, as each part of this matters as a whole. If people choose to be negative, that will simply reflect on them. I am ready to move forward and not engage further in negativity. I have done too much of that already. I just want to finally, for myself and everyone else, bring it all to an end, something that should have been done a long time before now.

With writing this post, I have finally spoken for the first time, not to engage in communication or stir things up, but simply to say what I haven’t been able to before. And with doing so, I’m finally drawing a line under it all. No more going back. No more checking repetitively. I have said my piece. Whatever way this may be taken, I hope it answers any misunderstandings and assumptions that might have come up. I have opened myself up, to show people that I have not acted out of hate or wanted to ignore what has previously happened. It was hard talking about some of the harsher things asserted about me, but it was necessary to so that the circumstances of everything could be better understood. While certainly some things said outside of this were not given more focus or spoken about specifically, I mentioned essential points commented so they could be covered as well, with which they were given consideration and a form of response accordingly in parts where needed. It is tough and complicated, so I did what was the most helpful to myself here, especially so I could keep the focus on discussing the whole situation. I want this to be here to remind me, in a way to support my growth, that I may make mistakes, I may be wrong at times, I may struggle with controlling the anxiety, but even so, I am still a good person. The more I keep pushing hard to improve, the healthier my focus will become. Though the effects of many years of self-punishment might carry on for a very long time, I am aiming to try and stop being so hard on myself. It will help my recovery. I can’t control the ways that people react, though I hope there is greater understanding of how things everyone can be affected on both sides in negative situations. While you have to the right to respond to negative things about myself publicly, no matter where it may be, you should also not let yourself get driven by your anxieties, fear and upset to let things go too far. You are responsible for you, and know when to draw a line under things. It will be good for everyone in the long term.

From now on, I strive to move forward and learn from my experiences, as I hope others might take lessons away from this about what can happen when anxiety takes over. I am taking big steps to tackle my severe anxiety issues and depression. I am finally opening doors to help myself in the way I need it. I have a long journey to make, but I am ready for it. I am taking back control over myself and my responses. I won't let fear be a commanding force anymore. I want to focus on becoming a better person.

Sometimes it can be hard to talk about situations where you are under a negative focus, but we forget it can be easy to stand up, apologise for any mistakes, and grow from it. It took me a while to get to the point where I could think clearly to view my problems. It has been a difficult process. I am growing to stop simply seeing myself as a bad person; not everything is clear cut. You can fail and mess up, everyone does it in some form. Anxiety is very powerful and can cause unpredictable behaviours when you feel vulnerable. To mention, I have never reacted in this way before at any other point in time, before or after. This has been a self-contained situation, happening while I was, unfortunately, in the middle of complicated struggles with anxiety. You can understand why things happen when you acknowledge it; while it does not make the things that happened right, at least you can explain why things went wrong. Despite everything, I chose to learn from it all, to avoid the same things coming up with my anxiety again. Maybe you won’t understand all that well or relate to this; maybe you will. I’m going to take away from where I went wrong and begin to heal; to really truly be happy again. I’m going to turn my thinking around.

I hope this will be helpful to other people with anxiety. Maybe you’ve had similar experiences that you think others could not possibly understand? Just remember it is okay to open yourself up even in the face of negativity. You should not be afraid to accept being in the wrong. It can be hard to break through the unreasonable thoughts, but sometimes it can be helpful just to sit down, take a deep breath and try to make sense of things before doing anything else. But above all else, just talking can make things seem a whole less troublesome.

Posting this is both terrifies me and brings a sense a relief. Whatever happens after this, I hope the future will start to be more positive, and my mind grows in a healthy way. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

(This post has been updated since originally posted. It has been cleaned up for repetitive sentences, errors, including any oddments missed and to make the whole thing read clearer. This is the most up to date form of this post. Anything that may have been seen or used previously may not be the most accurate reflection of the post contents as is now.)

#anxiety #apologies and growth #thunderbirds #thunderbird #old group things #mental health #healing #leaving the past behind

Picture yourself tripping up in work, life, or love. You’ve made a mistake, said the wrong thing, or didn’t come through with your end of the bargain. You think, how did I let that happen? What a (fill in the blank) I am. I can’t believe I did that, again. If only I could rewind. These aren’t the greatest feelings, it’s true. However, we live our lives in irony. Though we dislike how we feel having just tripped up, we continue to beat ourselves up way after the fact. We cause our own suffering. Furthermore, we seem to forget that when we make mistakes, we grow. An atmosphere of growth is integral to happiness. So create happiness by seeing mistakes as true growth opportunities.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-grow-from-mistakes-and-stop-beating-yourself-up/

#understanding mistakes #anxiety #growing beyond our problems

thisisevak

I want more for myself, so much more. I’m more than my mistakes, my depression , my anxiety, my past.. I am so much more. As a matter of fact, i am enough… & that means i’m going to have to let some people go .. Because i want to live within my purpose and be more, more than my past

#beautiful and concise #becoming more than your past

laughing-treees-blog

1. There are no mistakes, only growth.

2. You will keep repeating the same patterns until you get the lesson.

3. Whatever you believe about yourself on the inside is manifested on the outside.

4. The more you approve of yourself, the less you need others’ approval.

5. All situations are pathways instead of problems.

6. Things don’t happen to you — they happen for you.

7. There is no “there” to get to — it never ends.

8. Where you are today is preparing you for tomorrow. Everything is connected.

9. You will always get what you need. It might not be what you want, but it is always exactly what you need.

10. What you make of your life is up to you.

#learning from mistakes #growing beyond our problems

rainbowtwo

The Power of the Mind

‘The mind is viewed as a problem because of its apparent power to cause excruciating sorrow, confusion, and fear. The unpredictability of the mind leaves us feeling we have no inner refuge of clam and balance. Enjoying a moment of calm and happiness, we are suddenly ambushed by a storm of negativity. Obsessions and resentments appear without warning; a simple encounter with another person turns into an elaborate story that swallows us. Driving to work and caught in traffic, the driver behind us suddenly honks his horn. Immediately the stories begin: “What am I doing wrong? Why is that person so aggressive? Am I going to be the latest victim of road rage?” As we drive off we look in our mirror and see the driver making a gesture of apology. He sounded the horn by mistake. These storms and dramas can end as quickly as they appeared, leaving us bewildered and exhausted. Our thoughts, memories, and images can lock us into closed rooms of resentment, fear, or shame where we feel powerless, the location of the key unknown. The unpredictable surges of our minds leave us fearful and insecure.

Apart from its unpredictability, the utterly convincing nature of the mind’s constructions and dramas sentence us to inhabit inner worlds uniquely our own, yet we find ourselves certain of their absolute reality. A twinge in our knee, and in our thoughts we are already entering the operating theatre. A shared moment of happiness with another person, and within our thoughts we are arranging our marriage, celebrating the birth of our children, and dealing with the trauma of our divorce. caught in the morning rush hour we spend our waiting moments weaving together each unfortunate event in our lives, convincing ourselves of our unworthiness and failure. We entertain both delightful and deeply painful stories, about ourselves, about others, and the nature of the world; yet our stories prevent us from seeing what is true in each moment. It is in seeing and connecting with the clear actuality of each moment, each encounter, each thought, that we discover simplicity and ease.

The uncontrollable, seemingly choiceless nature of our thoughts leads us to inhabit realms of obsession, anxiety, and fantasy far from where we wish to be. rarely do we wake in the morning and decide this is a good day to be depressed, to be lost in fantasy, to reinforce resentment. Yet on a daily basis we commit countless moments of psychic vandalism as we live through our thought-created world. We feel out of control, governed by thoughts that lead to speech, actions and choices that feel unintentional, giving birth to a world removed from calm and simplicity. We resolve to be more compassionate and feel appalled at the reappearance of the same old judgmental thoughts. The habits of the mind are powerful; wisdom teaches us we are not helpless.

In The Dhammapada the Buddha speaks of the power of our mind:

We are what we think,

All that we are arises with our thoughts.

With our thoughts we make the world.

Speak or act with an impure mind

And trouble will follow you

As the wheel follows the ox that draws the cart.

We are what we think.

All that we are arises with our thoughts.

With our thoughts we make the world.

Speak or act with a pure mind

And happiness will follow you

As your shadow, unshakable.

How can a troubled mind

Understand the way.’

- Christina Feldman, The Buddhist Path to Simplicity.

#a perfect explanation of an anxious mind

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