The Ever Evolving World
It's as if every time I come here to write I have recently had some sort of life-changing experience or epiphany. In fact, that is exactly what is happening now. However, this time, things are a bit different. In contrast to my past posts on life-changing moments which at the time seemed to be of a more major perspective; this current life realization has honestly touched my soul in ways that I had previously only imagined.
The future is here.
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As a child growing up certain moments stood out to me that would eventually shape the man I am today. At a younger age I could not understand the meaning behind these moments but deep down inside my mind, certain neurons and other neurological signals were firing that made these moments feel different.
It all started with the number 24; the only 24 that ever mattered to me was printed on the side of Jeff Gordons race car.
My first memory of motorsports was during a Sunday broadcast of NASCAR racing. At the time, I knew nothing about racing or cars. In fact, all of this stemmed from an incident that occurred just a week before.
Prior to that Sundays race in 1994 family was visiting from out of town. Being an only child it was always exciting to have other children visit so that I could have a chance to play and socialize as all kids have the need to. During that weekend, three of my girl cousins who were at least four years older than me came to visit. At first, it was great but things changed in a hurry.
The girls went and grabbed a large blue backpack. I was excited because I knew right away they had brought toys! They reached into that bag and pulled out Barbie after Barbie. It was an endless parade of doll after doll with seemingly dressed in more and more pink. Most boys my age would have shied away from knowing they were “girl toys”. But remember I had been an only child and to me a toy was a toy regardless of the color. I quickly jumped in and grabbed a doll and began playing with it like the rest of the girls were.
This didn’t sit too well with one of them who immediately took the doll away and scolded me for touching a girl's toy. “Barbies are for girls you shouldn't be playing with them”. I was crushed...
Not because I was caught playing with a girls toy but rather the anticipation of playing with other children was taken away by the same individuals who I was excited to see regardless of the toys they had. I remember feeling so alone and wanting to cry. I walked away with my head lowered the same way a punished dog walks with its tail between its legs. I walked looking down at the grey brick floor from the garden and made my way to the porch where I just flopped heart broken and feeling distant and alone. To make matters worse, this was the first year I had been living in the United States recently after my parents divorce. Disappointment and change were just a common occurrence for me. And then it happened. My life would forever change based on one moment. Feeling like the only child in the world I remember looking in front of where I had flopped and saw it. This blue transformer robot in the shape of a car toy. Being the type of child I was I had a photographic memory of all of my toys and this toy was in fact not mine which sparked my curiosity even more. I tried my hardest to make the car transform into the robot but for whatever reason it would not. I then decided to just play with the car while the untransformed robots face was positioned underneath the car facing down at the ground almost exactly how I had walked a few moments before. It was at this moment that I stopped feeling alone and happiness took over my body. However, while I had found this new happiness and freedom from a lonely soul I couldn't help but overhear one of the girls questioning whether they had been mean to me for pushing me away. In response to her, the two other girls shouted that boys shouldn't play with girls and their toys. Anger and spite took over my thoughts as I had found not new playmates but instead new rivals that I had to compete with. Feeling betrayed I decided to ignore them at all costs. I heard them talking amongst their wretched voices if they should check up on me or not.
They called my name, “Hector! Hector!”.
I did not give them the satisfaction of a response. I continued to play with the only thing that was keeping me happy despite my intentions to ignore the catty girls. As I continued to play I felt a shadow creep up on me. It was one of the girls. She called my name two more times and with the feeling of betrayal, sticking to my metaphoric guns I ignored her drawing a line in the sand and forever shaping my mindset. It was me against the world and no matter what I would win. After the second failed attempt to get my attention she left. Went back to the rest of their gang and told them that I was fine; she explained I had found a toy and was playing by myself.
She was wrong.
I was not fine; I was great! I felt like a winner for I had set out to ignore them and that is what I did. It was the first moment I had experienced the pleasure that came with winning and being independent. I no longer needed other people or children to not feel lonely or isolated. I could find that happiness from within and it was not only genuine but it was so much better than the feeling I had ever gotten while playing with other children. Because of this feeling I became attached to not just that car but all cars. These were the objects that used to be objects but were now representations of my soul and independence. They were no longer inanimate objects but instead had feelings and souls of their own. With this backstory fresh in your mind, we fast forward to the following week on that legendary Sunday. Being a Sunday I clearly knew there were no cartoons on TV yet I aimlessly flipped from channel to channel looking for something to watch. Then it happened; I found NASCAR. Or maybe it found me. With this attachment to cars freshly engraved in my heart, it was an experience to see them with all these colors and paint schemes. Each one was loud and brash with the perfect amount of eff you bestowed in their character which is something I had experience the week before as well. Being a child of a divorce, without a father to guide me through the overwhelming world of automotive racing, I made one of the most important decisions of my life. Somehow knowing there had to be winner, I decided to become a supporter of whatever car ended up winning that race. Fate heard my cries and she felt my pain as a child. And for all the suffering and overcoming of challenges as a lonely only child; she rewarded me with the number 24 race car.
This love affair would tie me for the rest of my life! The driver of that race car was a young Jeff Gordon whose career was about to take off just as my passion would.
With so many people turning their backs on me at such a young age I had to grow up faster than other children. I decided to undo the pain I had experience the only way I knew how at that young age. I decided to not do the things that caused me pain and since that fateful day in 94′ I became a devoted supporter to that #24 Dupont Chevy. It was more than just another racecar but instead the key to my heart. Every Sunday I religiously watched that Dupont Chevy make left turns at 180mph. Being raised a Catholic and living with older grandparents we went to church once in a while on Sundays. However, Sundays were taken over by NASCAR racing almost as if my religion had given me a pass to seek the lord in another light. For the next twenty, that's right TWENTY years, I was a Jeff Gordon fan first and foremost. A man who raised me solely on Sundays, I watched his enthusiasm as well as his anger. I emulated the man that drove my passion and continued that devotion for all those years.
As I grew older and became more aware about life I knew that his career would not go on forever. As a kid, it had never crossed my mind but as a teenager I knew it could end in an instant. This moment became much more of a reality when I watched The Intimidator, Dale Earnhardt Senior die during a race. It was at that moment that I appreciated not only the sport and every other driver in a much grander light; but also appreciated the time I had spiritually spent with the 24 watching him race on Sundays. While growing up I had responsibilities that included being a full-time student and well being alive. This meant I had other priorities than just watching Jeff Gordon race on Sundays and though I admit I missed many of his races, the times I did watch I was glued to the screen while screaming obscenities at the other drivers that got in his way. I knew the day would come when he would retire but never put a timetable to it. *************************************************************************** The above sentence is the premise to this rather lengthy blog post. I knew the day would come but imagined it to be many years away. Then it happened. Two years ago, the legendary Jeff Gordon announced his retirement. Watching the man race for 20 years I always wanted to see him race in real life but always thought I had more time considering I was young and did not have a job. When he announced his retirement I admittedly panicked. How could I not see my idol race before he retired? And so I bought tickets for his next race in California and crossed off his name off the bucket list I did not know I had. Last year I saw him race and I could not be more excited to see him lead in a race. Though he did not win, seeing him in front was symbolic of our challenges that life had given us. With all of the above in mind, understand Jeff Gordon was not my only idol growing up. With my mom being a UCLA student I began to follow UCLA football and though they were not very good, my devotion to that organization was impacted by my promise to be a devoted Jeff Gordon fan. You see, when I idolize a person or an organization I take it to heart to forever be in their debt for all the memories they gave me. This leads me to my next point. Around the early 2000′s for a similar reason to that of Jeff Gordon winning, I became a fan of the New England Patriots football team. I gambled on a young team both metaphorically and literally. In middle school, I began to gamble and my team of choice was the Patriots. Why you ask? Because they won me money and never let me down. The reason for my love of the Patriots goes way past that but I will not get into the backstory of that in this post; just trust me on my passion for that team. Watching the Patriots play also on Sundays, a rivalry for the ages had begun. Brady vs Manning. For some strange reason, Peyton Manning had become a thorn in Tom Brady and the Patriots side from day 1. Yet I could not hate that man as I hated other rival quarterbacks of the time. The way Peyton Manning presented himself to the media and showed mutual respect for my team I began to show admiration for that man. Not as much as Tom Brady of course but it was enough to become a fan of Peyton. Peyton Manning vs Tom Brady games never disappointed me. The intense rivalry and passion for the game was evident in the death stares the two shared post games. These men loved their sport as much as Jeff Gordon loved his and I respected that. Recently, in fact just today 3/6/2016 Peyton Manning announced his retirement. Hating the fact that he won with the hated Denver Donkeys, I mean Broncos; everyone saw his retirement coming. However, even though we all saw it and most of us (besides me) wanted him to retire, it's a strange feeling knowing its done. The game of football will no longer be the same. Even though the Patriots, Tom Brady, and Bill Bellichick are still intact, there will forever be a hole in the Patriots vs Peyton rivalry. **********************************************************************
Finally, I have reached the conclusion and the real reason for this post. It was important to set up my backstory to understand how much all of these changes have affected me. Growing up watching three of my legendary idols: Jeff Gordon, Tom Brady( and Bellichick as the coach), and Peyton Manning, I always knew that one day the magic of their careers would end. I knew eventually I would have to come to grips with that reality but I never knew how I would feel. After Jeff Gordon retired, it still hadn't dawned on me the real significance of his announcement. It wasn't until today when Peyton announced his retirement that it hit me. The future I once wished wouldn’t come had arrived. I am now living in a different world. Completely different from the last 20 years of my life where two of the men I looked up to are or have already retired. I am now down to Tom Brady and Bill Bellichick. Even though they are two people I consider them joined at the hip since they have played and coached together all these years. None the less, the first chapter of my life is closing. It saddens me to know it will completely close in a minimum of three years considering when Brady and Bill walk away as well. The moment when you realize that your old life is ending and a new one is upon you is a damn scary feeling. I am not the same person I was growing up but that doesn't mean the essence of what I learned has vanished. Essentially I am currently feeling what it's like to not only grow older but to actively grow up and understand how it is I arrived at this point. I have learned so much growing up. So much so that one blog post can't even begin to touch on my life experiences. But the scary part is actively knowing what is going on and having a hard time grasping the concept. I not only fear this change but also welcome it with open arms as a new chapter of my life is set to begin. *****************************************************************************
Author Notes
As some of you may know I am a rather shy individual. I don't like to bring too much attention to myself and prefer to keep to myself. Sometimes people may confuse me with being distant but instead, I prefer to keep close thoughts and emotions to myself. Though this is true, I have sometimes publically rant on certain subjects while on social media. Most of the time its because whatever my rant was about it was some passionate issue that I took a heavy stance on. For the most part, I keep to myself. However, I recently took a personality test and found out I am an introverted feeling individual. All this means is I have strong feelings about life and tend to keep to myself while I reflect on my thoughts heavily. As I researched more about my personality type I was amazed how much of this personality explains a lot of my behaviors growing up and my attachment and devotion to certain figures as described above. One downside to my personality is how I come off to other individuals. Though I could honestly care less about what other individuals think about me (and believe me there isn't that much room to care less) I have figured out that to be a healthy introvert I need to learn how to balance myself out with extroverted qualities. One quality that stuck out to me the most was to begin to be more publically open about my thoughts and feelings. I am very comfortable with these thoughts and feelings in my mind but learning how to express them is just as important. However, if I am to be completely honest this post was much more about my tribute to the individuals I respected as their careers have or are ending, but also to begin to write again. I like writing, I’m just lazy. But once again to be quite frank and honest, a part of me also knows how important it is to provide a clearer window into who I really am. This strategy will not only help my self-growth but help others see me in a different light.
If anything, those who know me very well understand that I am an open book if people were to ask me questions. I have never shied away from telling people the truth but sometimes other introverts like myself shy away from asking others. Finding out more about that personality I feel its important to myself and also to other introverts to ask more questions. Sometimes getting out of our comfort zone is the best way to understand more about ourselves.