Before I start writing about all the interesting stuff I wanted to introduce myself first. My name is Lisa, currently 27 years old and living in Tilburg, the Netherlands. I’m currently listening to Heartbreak Weather by Niall Horan. Yes, One Direction and all those boys are still a guilty pleasure of mine. No shame here. Actually saw Harry Styles live two years ago and I was thoroughly impressed. Okay, drifting off... Back to it!
Small disclaimer: my English is pretty good, but don’t be too hard on me when it comes to using all the grammar correctly. I’m trying :-)
As you can see from my profile picture: I love yoga. I discovered my love for yoga when I was in a really bad place mentally. Around 5 years ago I started getting really bad panic attacks and other anxiety symptoms like strained breathing, heart palpations, a really really painful back and shoulders, dizziness and more. Quick summary: I had a pretty tough childhood where I didn’t feel a lot of security and I was anxious all the time, afraid of all the things that could happen to one of my family members.
But, I went to school, graduated, went to university, got my law degree within three years and went for a master’s degree, which I achieved. And I felt great. I had amazing friends, I was living on my own (with roommates) since I was 18, I had a job and an amazing boyfriend.
Everything was fine until I got my first panic attack.
I was 22 years old at the time. Ready to start a new chapter in my life: finding a new place to live and a job that could pay my bills. Life had other plans for me. My body just stopped functioning like it should. I didn’t just have panic attacks. I couldn’t even walk outside for half an hour without feeling like I could fall over right there on the sidewalk. Thankfully I could live with my dad at that time. Because I couldn’t work to earn money. I really couldn’t. My body prevented me from doing so.
If you’re still reading this: thank you, you have such patience! I promise it won’t be much longer.
I went to my physician but he blamed stress. But I didn’t understand: I didn’t feel stressed at all! I even went to see a neurologist, but she couldn’t find anything. Slowly I came to realize it must had something to do with my mental health. I went to see a psychologist and started taking anti-depressants soon after that. And you know what? It got better within just a few weeks. The conversations with my psychologist really helped me face my demons from my past. In combination with the anti-depressants I didn’t have any panic attacks anymore. Which was great.
I would find out sooner that this was just the beginning.
During those difficult months I decided that I didn’t want to have a career in law. Quickly, I got an amazing job at a non-profit organization. I started working there in October 2016 and I left in November 2019. In those years, after one and a half year of taking them, I gradually stopped with the anti-depressants and I was completely off them by October 2017. I was scared about what would happen if I was off them, but I felt fine.
Three months later I didn’t feel so fine anymore and I felt like all my symptoms were coming back. I didn’t wait for that to happen and immediately went to my physician where I asked for a reference to a psychologist. He also prescribed anti-depressants again. I went to group therapy (cognitive behavioral therapy) every week for 15 weeks straight. Slowly, I got better again. The medicine I was taking was a different story though. I didn’t help me like last time. Thankfully I got to see a psychiatrist who helped me find the right medicine and dosis.
Fast forward a year later and here I am, writing this blog for anyone who wants to read it. I’m doing okay. I actually started lowering my dosis of anti-depressants last week and it’s going well. I have an amazing new job with great colleagues. I’ve found my great love and we’ve been living together for two and a half years. We also started our own business around that time. So besides working for an employer, we work at developing our own business, just the two of us. And yes, that’s going great. We can separate our private and work life pretty well.
So why tell you this whole story?
Because it’s one of the main reasons why I got into yoga, meditation and a holistic lifestyle. Moving my body and flowing with my breath always helps when I’m feeling down. And I care about our planet and the people on it. A lot. So I try to live as sustainable as possible to minimize my bad footprint on our beautiful planet. I went vegan on January 1st of this year to minimize it even more. Sometimes I slip up, but I haven’t eaten any meat or cheese since that day (I stopped eating meat a few months before that).
“The coming to consciousness is not a discovery of some new thing; it is a long and painful return to that which has always been.” Helen Luke
This isn’t a story about someone falling down, getting back up and all was right again. No, I’m still struggling daily. I have really bad days. But I also have amazing days. I laugh a lot. I’m funny as hell. I’m trying to find myself, who I am, what I want to do, where I want to be.
I want to leave you with a quote I found in The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo, which I highly recommend!
When Akiba was on his deathbed, he bemoaned to his rabbi that he felt he was a failure. His rabbi moved closer and asked why, and Akiba confessed that he had not lived a life like Moses. The poor man began to cry, admitting that feared God’s judgment. At this, his rabbi leaned into his ear and whispered gently, “God will not judge Akiba for not being Moses. God will judge Akiba for not being Akiba.”
