the palm of your hand

He valued his idea of their family. That version of them did not exist anymore. The blind dedication Fanni had had had been lost. Some of her sacrifices had cost too much. It was impossible to exist in a space where Levente and his short sightedness dominated everything and everyone. She looked down at her hands, it clearly didn't matter that she had prepared herself for this coldness. It made her ache all the same. Time had helped her to put her thoughts into order. With time had come the realization that some acknowledgment of her efforts would have helped her to keep her bitterness from filling each and every cell in her body. He was too dear for her to resent him but her will to resist the negative emotions that surrounded Levente was not strong enough. "I can't stay." It was the truth at its barest form. "If I stay, I think I'll stop existing." Levente was, at a fast pace, becoming the center of Budapest. Each and every task their father delegated over to him just shifted the scales in his direction. "He makes me happy. I know that sounds cliché but it's true." She didn't like having to explain herself but if this was the last chance, she had to bite the bullet. "I love you. You are my family and without all of you, I wouldn't be anything or anywhere." She reached over and placed her hand over his. Her eyes searched for his, she wanted him to look at her. Look at her and hear her. She wouldn't allow him to brush her off just because he was upset. "I need these changes in my life. He is one of the few things that make sense. And he's mine. I'll have something of my own. I can build something myself. I can't keep living the life that made me feel like I am just performing for you. I don't want to let go of the things I want and the things that make me happy just to keep you pleased. You already resented me. Choosing him has only given you a justified reason to." Ah! She hadn't meant to let her eyes wet. She had wanted to stand her ground but in that meek way that could be considered an olive branch once the initial harsh feelings died down. Not like this. "We only get one chance and one life, and I felt like I was letting mine go to waste. I had control over nothing, and I could only think of what I had given up. So let me feel happy over this without shame and guilt." Even when she was attempting to assert her autonomy, she found herself asking for a permission. Some things just wouldn't change.

So melodramatic! All she needed to do was grow a spine and learn to appreciate what she had. She did not need to leave, she wanted to leave. She wanted more. She wanted the spotlight. She wanted the title. She wanted to hear words of appreciation — and Arnauld d'Orléans would shamelessly feed her them until she was stuffed. Empty, empty, empty words. How could she even think that she'd find happiness with him, away from her family? His lips stayed tightly pressed together. His chest was keeping a storm caged in. He wanted to deny everything, and tell her she could only see what she wanted. He could understand each word she spoke but his stubbornness kept him from accepting any of it. She sounded sad and desperate, and he recognized the horrible arrival of guilt. It urged him to shut her out, deny everything that had been said, call her a fool. Anything but accept that Budapest had become an environment unsuitable for his sister. Budapest that he had always considered a safe haven and had wanted to keep as one.

He felt acutely aware of the fact that it was him that was the problem. Which of his actions had been justified punishments? Had he been too harsh? Had she deserved forgiveness with her first apology? Had he really been too stubborn...? But... the fact remained that she had lost his trust and respect. He couldn't just give them back to her like that! They had to be earned — but now she had decided that she didn't even want to try? She was, quite clearly, telling him that losing him was alright; she preferred the French. He was torn between mourning for the situation they had ended up in and despising her for valuing him so little.

He had to cast his eyes down. Her eyes were too watery and the condition was infectious. His dry throat was begging him to make a sound. She was so unhappy. Was it really only now when the screaming and shouting had died down and she had put down her shield and sword, that he could see it? Understand some of it? Why didn't you say this earlier? He only wanted to asked the question to lessen the boulder on his shoulders. She might be gracious enough to weave a lie for him and keep the truth unsaid: 'but I did, you just ignored it'. He stayed quiet to keep himself from saying something careless. He only had this one moment to choose how he'd be greeted upon their next meeting.

He sighed. His shoulders fell. "It's your day." And anyone who knew Fanni knew how long she had waited for this. He wasn't principled enough to rob her of the enjoyment. Levente's eyes remained on Fanni's face for a brief moment. Somewhere along the way both of them had earned wrinkles. She had waited patiently. Even he had to recognize the modest role she had played without a complaint. Even he had to force himself to swim through the shit that had built up between the two of them. He had to forgive and accept the situation as it was. He rose from his seat, a hand giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze. "If the French repeat my mistakes, know by then I'll have learnt from them." He realized, some months too late (as it always happened with him), in every version of the future, he had pictured her in Budapest. He hadn't even realized how comforting it had been to know she'd be there if he tripped. Her replacements where pale imitations. "Make the most out of your day."

"I don't doubt that. Ines seems natural." She smiled sadly at her brother, the lines on his face more prominent than ever. Most likely from frowning all day. "People forgive. Given enough time. Kind people do, at least." Of course Ines had warmed up. She didn't know for sure if the words applied to her brother though. Levente's pride was made of steel and Fanni had landed quite a few hits on it. Fanni would not be as lucky. "I didn't expect you to," Fanni admitted with a shake of her head. Irony decorated her face. Congratulations would have seemed mocking anyways, it was alright. Her index finger played with the edge of her lacy sleeve and she considered his words for a moment. The wound that had been caused by the problems surrounding Katya was infected. It was rotting and Fanni could only think of one way to fix it: she needed to cut off the limb. She had prepared for it all summer. A clean cut. It felt right. "I took it, this, into consideration when I made my decision. I really did." Did that make her better or worse a sister? "But I think... it's more consideration than you would have spared me if our roles had been reversed." Her voice was soft, weak, and it lacked an edge. Fanni could have sounded bitter or argumentative. Mostly she just felt disappointed. It had been a disheartening realization. She knew there was a chance she had let herself dive so deep into self pity that her view on everyone was warped but Levente was not known for a considerate personality. "There's nothing left for me in Budapest. This is what I want, and I think I'll be happy. Hopefully, you'll accept it eventually."

"You didn't expect me to," Levente repeated, a hollow laugh following the sentence. "Even when you hurt me, it's calculated." He felt even worse now. The only way she could have been more direct, would have been to tell him in plain words that she picked the Frenchman. The ties she was severing were worth less than a life with him. "You cannot possibly know that!" His voice was too loud. He fixed his posture and quickly checked if anyone had turned their head in their direction. Fortunately, his outburst remained unnoticed. "I value this family," he told her, an index finger tapping harshly against the table. "My dedication doesn't have conditions like yours clearly does. This feels like a rebellion. This looks like you're lashing out because we don't worship you anymore." And she only had herself to blame for that. No one, absolutely no one, had forced her to burn bridges. "You can't erase Budapest. It won't just disappear because you chose to leave. It will not cease to be your home even when you redecorate yourself with blue, white and red." He would not change his mind about it. It frustrated him that, in a moment of weakness, she was throwing her old life away. He swore they wouldn't be in this situation if some other charming idiot had walked into her life just some months ago. Arnauld d'Orléans would have faded into a memory. Budapest would have been as perfect as it always had been. "He's just one person. He is not the same as us. He is not everything."

"Katone behaved." She did not know what else to say. To everyone else she had exclaimed: I'm so glad you could make it! It did not stand true with Levente. Fanni was just glad that he had not chosen to humiliate her by refusing to attend the wedding. "Ines looks happier these days." Ines. Not you. Not necessarily. ( @lcvcntc )

"Ines is a good mother," he replied stiffly. The day had been a collection of great disappointments. He had wanted some insane person to stand up and stop the ceremony — no one had. He had wanted her to change her mind last minute and not show up — but she had. He had wanted to be even a little bit happy for her — but he had failed at it miserably. "She doesn't despise me so much these days." His eyes remained on Fanni for a thoughtful while. How had she ended up like this? Why had she even come to talk to him? He could only sour her otherwise pleasant evening. He wouldn't be able to keep the venom off his tongue. He was predictable in that way and she knew him better than most people. "I'm not going to congratulate you." He managed to keep his voice neutral. As if he was describing the weather and now grating his own heart. "You knew I was not going to forgive you for this." He hoped she could read between the lines and hear his question: so how could you?

HSHQTASK059!

when did you join ? what made you join ? what do you remember from the plotlines that were current at the time ? where were you in life when you joined and where are you now ?

i think i joined in late 2017! i had to go check, otherwise i would lied and said in 2018! i had just started uni some months earlier, it was a very hectic and weird time. i didn't think my schedule would allow me to stay in a group setting but hshq was too addictive! now i'm an old old old working woman, uni feels a forever ago

which characters have you written over the years ?

oh boy! antonia, levente, mieke, leonor, maybe someone else but only briefly?

what is your favourite plotline that you've been part of ?

i think the english plotline will forever stay with me. don't get me wrong, i love the croÿs, they've kept me so entertained and i love them, but the english plotline was intriguing and i liked the magnitude of it. it was also a fun way to comment on the english class system. in all of its absurdity, i feel like it was a smart plotline. one of the lighter and shorter plotlines that i've loved would be lisvente and in extension levente and isabela's hate for each other. lisvente helped me a lot with characterization in the beginning, and honestly i think i lost the plot on levente at some point and he became almost too kind. i wanted him to be genuinely despicable but i think i failed at that a bit. the fights with isabela were fun and i'm sort of sad they became quite civil towards the end.

what about other people's plotlines ?

i'm a big fan of italy. i think it was interesting plotline to follow and it kept surprising me ! and i have a soft spot for viveka and ilona and i wish we could have gotten more of them :(

who is your favourite character from the ones you've played ? why ? what made you love them ? what made them so fun to write ?

weidly enough antonia. she wasn't too easy to write but at the height of the english drama, i think i got to write some of the most interesting replies. antonia allowed me to write about the politics that i actually knew something about. antonia was also a refreshing character among all the rich bitches of hshq. it was fun to offer a balancing force. levente's shit was mostly petty and while his plotlines were entertaining and it was fun to write someone horrible, he became a bit repetitive. i think if leonor's plots would have developed past the first threads, i would have fallen more in love with her. she was refreshing and i liked the opportunity to write a truly emotional character!

if you could relive a plotline, which would it be ?

the very short plotline where fanni had to pretend to sylvia that milena's ultrasound pictures were hers. it was so funny and unexpected chain of events. i had fun!

is there a plotline that you'd edit now if you could ?

i don't think so. all of my plotlines have more or less written themselves and i'm fine with the organic way things came to be.

what's a plotline you wish you would have been able to finish before closing or just write more of ?

maybe invente? i was so inactive that they never really recovered from the katya thing. i promised to isa that i'd finish one last levente x fanni thread so that's still in the works1

what is your favourite ooc memory ?

nothing particular comes to mind. i think i miss the times when people actually posted ooc stuff on the dash. the times when the dash was more ooc than ic were great because everyone were so invested!

where can others find you if they want to get in touch ?

i'm not really anywhere anymore, sorry :( if something comes up, you can try this acc but i don't know if i'll login that often

what else would you like to say ?

i've had an amazing time with all of you. this group's been truly remarkable and i am incredibly happy that i wasn't flaky. i've been able to write intricate plotlines that never would have happened if people hadn't been loyal, motivated and innovative! i will literally miss everyone so much <3 ps. i'll write the 58th task soon!

#hshqtask059 #i'm so emo

tvkla

" if you're talking about the breakup then of course. no one is questioning that. i meant, more recently. " but a case could have been made that maybe fanni shouldn't have opened her mouth in the first place, maybe fanni should not have made herself so available to arnauld that he was able to conveniently plant ideas into her head by omitting half the information. " i suppose it doesn't matter. there's no point wondering about it. " her head tilts, eyes narrowing. " why ? " this is his second child, surely not being able to get to know the first one would make him appreciate this more ?

"That's not a hill you want to die on, Tekla." One could argue that Fanni had created more problems than she had solved. If Tekla wanted to believe that Fanni had picked him, she'd have to admit that Fanni had sold him as well. "Why?" A very hollow and dry laugh escaped him before he grabbed the drink and took one big gulp out of it. "My marriage is in shambles and a crying child that we're supposed to love and care for together doesn't make the situation at hand any easier."

"Truce?" Fanni asked, sitting next to him. She had approached unprepared. Since it was Levente, she had assumed that words would be easy to come by. Talking usually required little effort. But by the time a minute of silence had passed, she realized she had lost the ability to talk to him. Every word felt wrong on her tongue and she continued to stare at her two hands. "I think mother misses you more than she's willing to admit." ( @lcvcntc )

"We're not fighting. We're ignoring each other." Deciding Fanni did not exist had vacated much space in his head. Space that his more pressing problems had taken over in an instant. "I know but it's something she has to live with. We can't all act recklessly."

tvkla

it's a cruel thing to say, but isn't it true ? if neither learns, maybe they deserve each other. they'll dance on the debris of a scorched earth. " she did pick you in the end. " also true, but fanni had decided to act like a martyr for it, expecting congratulations in the process. " i don't know. maybe she sticks to old patterns because new ones are so hard for her now. " tekla's lashes flutter and she shakes her head at herself, she should stop bothering, the hope for the new attitude to stick after going back to school was foolish. " anyway. how are things ? bonding with the baby ? "

"She picked herself. Everything she has done has been to save face. Don't believe everything she says." The moment Levente had stopped trying to use the logic that had once applied to Fanni, his understanding of the situation had become so much clearer. "No. It's terrible."

tvkla

" ah look. everyone's f-a-v-o-u-r-i-t-e couple. that didn't take long. " she slides her drink over to him, she won't drink tonight, she'll have to pump later. [ @lcvcntc ]

Somehow the sight before their eyes barely worsened his mood. It was almost too predictable to make him upset. The most he felt was numbed annoyance. "You know, they're almost perfect for each other. We were probably the dumb ones for not seeing it and expecting more from her."

"Mother suggested a Christmas themed photo-op with me and Katone, and you and Jesper. With a tagline about happy second cousins. Santa hats and all. Would you be up for it?" ( @tvkla )

#you made me a starter ages ago and i 've been awol #so have this #( ines. )

"Would you prefer spending the holidays in Madrid?" Of course she would. It was a stupid question with a stupidly obvious answer. "I need to make an appearance in Budapest on Christmas eve but that is all. You could go to your family earlier, I don't think anyone would hold it against you." Even if it would look better if they showed an united front on an important day. ( @inescroy )

lcmbcrdy:

the most obvious sign of his irritation was the tenseness in his jaw that he could not get rid of. he kept giving the woman too many second chances. she had decided a moment of entertainment at his expense was the better deal to a friendly relationship with him. he turned to fanni, narrowing his eyes at her. “ oh come on, you had to know the story wasn’t going to be the most glamorous one. ” his hand lightly brushed the side of her leg before he directed his attention at the couple. “ mh, the birth of the first planned child is truly a milestone. congratulations, levente, ines. ” he nodded at both of the royals.

Cecelia peered interestedly as the conversation volleyed across the table, idly comparing each comment to the precise tennis strokes she wouldn’t be able to see at Wimbledon this year. This was far more interesting, even if there were no athletes to admire. The French king’s choice of wording had caught her ear, why go into such detail as to point out the child was planned? Were there rumors she had missed?

“Both sides of the family must be thrilled to have the opportunity to spoil you as you deserve, your highness,” she says warmly, glancing at the Hungarian princess in acknowledgment as well. “When is the baby shower?” Her face falls. “Oh dear, I hope it wasn’t meant to be a surprise.”

He hated the conversation so much. He was certain that any moment now, Ines would have enough and say something irreversible. His tenseness showed in his shoulders but he managed to hold a casual smile. “I’m very happy, a bit intimidated by changes that are coming. It’s all good though,” he assured Barbie. How bad could it be if a person like Andrés could handle twins? He reached for his glass — he couldn’t handle the crowd sober. “Thank you, Arnauld, that means truly a lot coming from you.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever tried Aragonese wines. Rioja is a more revered region, isn’t it?” He barely knew what he was saying — he just needed to get something out of his mouth to kill the oppressive silence at their end of the table. “But I have to admit I’m more familiar with white wines anyways. Most of our production is white.” ( @hshqstarters )

#hshqstarter #table five

tvkla:

“ of c — ” she has to shake away the rapid blinks that occur immediately when she fails to comprehend the second part of his sentence. “ you told her ? ” she is shocked ! she can’t decide if this was very brave of him or very stupid. no, she will choose brave. honesty meant something in marriage, and it took courage to use it when it was this damaging. then levente continues, and her stomach flips, a hand comes up to her mouth, her brows cannot arch any higher, they will hurt her forehead at this rate. fingers press harder into her upper lip. the urge to laugh is overwhelming. she must have manifested this somehow, two of the worst people getting punched in the face, she wants to savour this for a moment. she only lowers her hand slowly when she’s sure the purse of her lips are enough to hide any lingering amusement. “ oh levi. ” the implications of this roll into her mind as soon as the sigh spills from her lips. it’s really one thing after another, they’d somehow survived one implosion, why not cause another ! “ and he did nothing ? who else was there ? ”

“Not exactly.” It would have been the preferable conclusion to the lying and hiding! “Giselle d’Orléans told her. I didn’t realize there was bad blood between the two of us.” Considering this was about the d’Orléans family, he shouldn’t have been surprised to learn that even the lightest slight was met with an extreme reaction. “C’mon, he deserved it.” Her tone was easy to meet with a grin. “Not really, no. Pushed me a few times but I was practically begging for it. It’s annoying how controlled he was.” He let his head fall back and stared at the ceiling. The awfully boring white ceiling. “The duchess of Aragon. Do you think I should talk to her?”