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if i look back, i am lost
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Sade Olutola
DEAR READER

JBB: An Artblog!
cherry valley forever
Today's Document

titsay

Janaina Medeiros
YOU ARE THE REASON
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
Xuebing Du
art blog(derogatory)
Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
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izzy's playlists!
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styofa doing anything

PR's Tumblrdome
KIROKAZE
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@ldrarryl
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a very rough draft animation! #dream #mcyt #dreamfanart #dreamanimation #fanart #dreamwastaken @dreamwastakenwastaken
so I got into grad school today with my shitty 2.8 gpa and the moral of the story is reblog those good luck posts for the love of god
okay so i just got my dream job??? a week after applying to it?? and now i’m thinking….maybe this is the good luck post
…..not even six hours later i got an offer of a well paying full time long-term job with free room and board in queens in nyc, allowing me independence and a way to escape an abusive situation and an unhealthy environment
likes charge reblogs cast, folks, this is the good luck post
Gonna try it. Need me some good luck.
[ID: edited screencap of eleanor shellstrop from the good place saying “This is the Good Luck Post” /end ID
Draco with an undercut 😍
for people who are unaware of why the riots in minneapolis started happening, here’s the facts:
it wasn’t george floyd’s protesters who started reacting violently; it was the cops.
the protest was peaceful until the cops showed up in riot gear, and started using water cannons, followed up by tear gas and rubber bullets. i got videos from friends who were there, of people screaming and running away from the cops shooting the water cannons, rubber bullets and throwing tear gas at them. they were even shooting at the protesters dragging people away to get medical attention.
speaking of medical attention, dispatch refused to provide any medical attention to the protesters. people literally had to drive their bleeding friends to the hospital because they refused to send ambulances.
cops are using non-lethal weapons in a lethal way. they shot rubber bullets into people’s heads and injured them. there’s dozens of photos of protesters with bleeding head wounds from the rubber bullets.
multiple people used police scanners and heard that there were undercover cops pretending to be violent protesters who were throwing rocks and whatnot at the police, with dozens of eyewitness accounts confirming that information.
the person who instigated all the chaos last night (it was a fire at an autozone) with the looting and burning buildings is highly suspected to be an undercover cop pretending to be a protester, because the video of him keeps getting taken down. protesters tried to stop him but couldn’t because he had a hammer and they were scared for their safety.
the cops jammed cell phone towers and cut live streams to interrupt broadcasts and to prevent people from seeing what was really going on and who actually started the violence.
the cops lied about protesters being armed and about throwing rocks and are literally trying to continue the violence happening and yet no one is holding them accountable for that.
and during all this, the cop that murdered george floyd still hasn’t been arrested. he has had more than ten complaints filed against him and was involved in three other civilian shootings in the past. and yet he’s still out free along with his three other buddies involved, probably sitting on his couch while all this chaos is happening.
so don’t get it twisted. the cops just want to change the narrative to make it look like they’re the wounded and righteous party, when they’re the ones who started reacting violently in the first place and are still acting violently. so don’t you ever forget who started this tragedy and murdered someone, and who are continuing to react to the situation with violence.
I live a few blocks from the protests in Minneapolis, and I'd just like to add a few things.
The target that refused to sell milk and water to protestors was already closed, they were refusing to sell to anyone.
The people setting the fires and looting ARE NOT PROTESTORS. They are just opportunists who found a way to get free stuff
The protestors are the people peacefully protesting. They are not blocking streets, and they're letting emergency vehicles through.
A lot of us living around here are fearing for our lives, because who knows? Tonight they could set our building on fire.
We stand with George Floyd, but the fires have to stop. Innocent civilians are getting killed.
Yo Arthur Weasley was Ariel in a past life
Think about it.
They both have red hair
They're both fascinated with muggle objects.
Both if them have gotten in trouble with family members for their fascination with muggle things.
Sleep rumpled Draco 😍 I love your writing so so much
Hi there nonnie! 💖
_________
The things I do for my ex, Harry thought grumpily as he located the right building and climbed two floors. He’d had no intentions of starting his weekend by visiting a Slytherin lair. And yet here he was, knocking at a white door with a large, brass ‘4’ on it, holding his breath as he wondered which of the two residents of the flat would open the door, Parkinson, Ginny’s current girlfriend, or…Malfoy.
He honestly couldn’t decide which one would be worse.
When there was no answer several seconds later, he knocked again, louder and harder this time.
“I’m fucking coming, goddammit!”
Malfoy.
Harry took a deep breath and braced himself. He hadn’t seen Malfoy since the War. And here he was on a gorgeous Saturday morning knocking on his door so he could collect cramp-relieving potions from his ex girlfriend’s current girlfriend.
The door swung open violently and Harry…blinked.
Malfoy stood there. He was still in his pyjamas. They were pale yellow and very soft looking. Malfoy’s flaxen hair was a complete mess. He had white goop in the corners of both eyes. He had pillow marks on his left cheek. He was barefooted. His Dark Mark had faded to a dull, nearly transparent grey. His mouth was very, very pink.
Harry had not been prepared for this. He felt like he needed sufficient warning to face a sight like this one. He felt giddy and breathless.
A sleep rumpled Draco Malfoy apparently left him mouthing soundlessly like a goldfish while desperately willing his short-circuited brain to work.
Malfoy remained impressively impassive. “Yes?” he said, voice thick with sleep and slightly hoarse.
Harry gurgled in reply.
“I did not catch that,” said Malfoy tonelessly.
“Ginny,” Harry blurted.
Malfoy’s mouth thinned and he raised one, long eyebrow. “From which angle do I resemble Ginevra fucking Weasley?”
Harry had a sudden, wild urge to reach out and swipe his thumb across Malfoy’s full lower lip.
He didn’t though. He just shook his head as though trying to get rid of a buzzing fly and then tried again, clearing his throat first. “Ginny sent me. She said Parkinson has some pain potions for her.”
“So now you’re your ex’s errand boy?” Malfoy asked, with an air of honest interest. “I’m not even surprised, Potter.”
Harry scowled. “Still an arsehole, then?” he said. “Good to know.”
“Of course I still have an arsehole.” Deadpan.
Harry spluttered. “N-no, I meant– I wasn’t talking about your– I meant to call you an–”
The corners of Malfoy’s mouth twitched. “Breathe, Potter,” he drawled. And then suddenly grinned.
Reaching up, Malfoy tousled his hair up some more, his fair hair falling into his sleep-heavy eyes and his mouth wet where he licked his lips and fuck but his pyjama top rode up and was that a fucking pierced navel Malfoy had?!
“Eyes up here, please,” Malfoy said sombrely but Harry thought he looked very smug. He scowled at him again.
“Parkinson has some potions for Ginny, I need those now, thank you,” he rambled.
“Pansy’s out picking up breakfast,” said Malfoy shortly. For a moment, Harry was sure Malfoy was about to slam the door shut on his face. “I do have those potions you need right here, though.” Malfoy reached for a little paper bag on the console table near the door.
Harry accepted the proffered bag. He did not want to leave yet. Malfoy was very, very pretty and Harry was still digesting this realisation.
“I– how do you know these are the ones?” Harry asked, holding up the bag.
“Because Pansy told me she’d leave them here for you to pick up,” Malfoy replied calmly.
“How– how do you know she has the right potions in here?” Harry babbled.
“Because I brewed them.”
Silence.
Harry was sure he now resembled a troll or something. “Oh.”
“Anything else I can help you with, Potter?” Malfoy asked, smiling.
Smiling.
Just ask him out, screamed a rather crazed voice in his head. Just ask him out to coffee.
He’s going to laugh in your face and then write to the Prophet if you do that, said a different voice.
Just kiss him, said a third voice, sounding decidedly hysterical.
Coffee, screamed the first voice.
Lifelong embarrassment, bellowed the second.
Grab his arse, shrieked the third voice.
“Potter?”
“Grab your coffee!” shouted Harry.
Malfoy looked completely flummoxed. “Huh?”
Fuck!
“Gotta go!” heaved Harry and turning around, clattered down the stairs at top speed.
He was almost at the ground floor when–
“Potter!”
Harry looked up and saw Malfoy’s head sticking out over the bannister. He was grinning.
“Coffee sounds good,” Malfoy called and Harry missed a step and stumbled down, arms flailing wildly as be caught his balance.
“Oh?” he called up and Malfoy nodded, still grinning. Harry grinned back. “Five PM?” he asked and Malfoy nodded again.
“You can totally grab my…coffee then, Potter,” he said wickedly. And then his head disappeared and Harry heard the door close and had to focus very hard on breathing.
Me: *is trying to sleep*
My body: it's the bloody Sahara desert in here. Are we expected to just put up with this?
Me: *removed one tiny little later*
My body: AHHHH, WE'RE GOING TO DIE!THE HYPOTHERMIA IS SETTING IN! ABORT MISSION!
"Please, I just... I really need space right now."
So that's what Harry did. Draco hasn't seen or heard from him in two days. He hoped Harry was just trying to take his words to heart, and that he hasn't actually gotten upset. Draco thought he would have understood what he needed.
Draco reached the top of the stairs of his apartment complex and headed towards his door. Reaching for his keys, he failed to notice the card taped in front of him. After unlocking the door, he looked up and saw the rather decadent note, obviously from Harry, taped to the door. He snatched it down quickly and headed inside.
After tossing his keys on the counter, Draco dropped onto his couch to read the card. "Thinking if you, H" was all it contained, plus a badly drawn dragon with a snitch wizing around its head.
_
The next day, Draco arrived home to a similar surprise, though this was in the form of a rather grand looking bouquet placed in front of his door. He smiled fondly and brought it inside to find a vase.
His next surprise wasn't so still, but just as alive. Harry was laying in his couch leafing through one of his muggle fashion magazines.
"Darling, finally! Took you ages to be home!" Harry rose slowly from the coach.
Draco laughed and ran to his arms.
"Was that enough space? I didn't want to make you upset." Harry mumbled into his neck.
"You are absolutely the most perfect guy ever"
...
Ahh sorry that was super rushed and completely didn't go the way I wanted it to. I intended it to be a lot longer and way more drawn out.
Drarry Drabble based on my life
Draco becomes friends with Harry and his whole friend group.
Draco does have another group of friends, but they don’t really mix with Harry’s group.
Harry starts to like Draco.
He’s so sweet, and cute, but totally ready to beat you to the ground verbally.
Harry assumes Draco is bi.
Harry tells Draco that he likes him.
Draco is sadly a Straight Boy
He is flattered though
This doesn’t change anything in their friendship.
Skip forward a year or two, Harry still likes Draco and Draco is still Straight.
Harry and Draco start texting more and more
Draco starts initiating some iNtErEsTiNg texts.
Harry isn’t uncomfortable with it, he actually kind of likes it, but he’s confused because Draco is straight.
Harry puts a stop to the texts because he feels like Draco is purposely messing with his head.
Spring break happens, and Draco invites Harry to hang out with him, but just Harry.
It feels a bit like a date.
The school year ends on a happy note, with highschool approaching quickly.
One day, Harry and Hermione both received a letter from Draco
Apparently Lavender Brown told Draco that Harry and Hermione were talking shit about him.
This was right before highschool started, so Harry and Hermione started the year with no friends but themselves, as Ron had taken Draco’s side.
Harry and Hermione were distraught, as they had both liked Draco and couldn’t understand why he would think they were talking shit.
Eventually everything settled as Draco realized Lavender was lying.
Harry and Hermione never became friends with Lavender again, but Draco kept his ties.
The Homecoming dance is fast approaching.
Harry’s entire group goes to the dance, and Draco stays with them as his other group decided not to go.
Everyone ditches the dance about twenty minutes in a goes to a nearby park.
Draco has some fun news for Harry.
He’s been bi this whole time and everyone knew except for Harry.
The night eventually ended, and Harry went home to question everything and wonder why he was the only one who didn’t get to know. Everyone else kept up the facade the Draco was nice and straight, just for Harry.
Harry finally thinks he has a chance.
He was wrong.
Draco starts dating a boy from his other friend group, Blaise.
Harry finds out a week later that Draco actually liked both him and Hermione for a bit, and that’s why the interesting texts were happening.
It’s too late now, though. He’s with Blaise.
Harry low-key thinks Blaise is a bad influence, because he’s always skipping class to smoke weed in the bathrooms. (That’s what Harry has heard, at least.)
Also, Blaise has made it clear he doesn’t like Harry.
They keep dating.
Now if we were to keep it with actual events, we would end it here. But let’s make it happen, y'know?
Draco finally can’t take it anymore, and breaks up with Blaise.
Blaise and Ron start dating.
Hermione has a girl she’s been dancing around for a bit.
Draco finally realizes how hopelessly in love he is with Harry.
Everyone’s happy.
Ayy fun update before the let's just make everyone happy part!
Draco and Blaise broke up bc Blaise said his mother didn't want him seen with another boy
However Blaise immediately got together with another guy named Willow, leaving Draco crushed.
Who was there to help him out? Harry of course.
Now they're still not together but Draco low-key flirts with Harry sometimes and he thinks they might get together some day😊
rose
Ahh I'm soo sorry I never saw this!!
I honestly like so many people rn but the main guy is such a cutie😍
He's really sweet and he's always nice to me and I can't tell if he likes me or not🤷♀️
valentine’s day asks!
do you have a crush on anyone?
what’s your favorite candy?
favorite love song?
what was your first kiss like?
what was your last kiss like?
sexual/romantic orientation?
do you prefer poems or love letters?
favorite fanfic trope?
have you ever been in love?
favorite milkshake flavor?
dinner dates or brunch dates?
favorite flowers?
favorite perfume/cologne?
favorite candle scent?
what’s your ideal first date?
favorite love story?
what’s the most attractive thing a person could wear?
chocolate, vanilla, or red velvet?
snow, rain, or sun?
sweetest romantic memory?
favorite dating sim (and favorite character)?
fictional crushes?
what’s your dream wedding like?
what makes you blush?
do you believe in love at first sight?
do you believe in soulmates?
denim jackets, leather jackets, or bomber jackets?
what’s your sign?
are you single?
do you prefer to charm, or be charmed?
guitar or piano?
favorite romcom (or any romantic movie)?
do you fall in love easily?
valentine’s decorations: yay or nay?
would you prefer to propose or be proposed to? what’s your dream proposal?
cloud gazing or star gazing?
do you like to dance?
what’s your OTP?
kittens or puppies?
coffee, hot chocolate, or tea?
favorite soda?
do you prefer gazing wistfully out the window or lying dramatically over the sofa?
favorite ABBA song?
fuck/marry/kill? (anons name 3 people of your choice)
favorite pajamas?
favorite liquor?
do you think about love a lot?
a walk in the park or a walk on the beach?
hand kisses or nose kisses?
what’s your dreamhouse?
Why is Draco always longer, but Harry's always thicker?
But I’ve heard people questioning if Snape was really traumatized by SWM. At first I had no idea what they were on about. How could Snape not be traumatized? Why are you even questioning this? But I figured what they meant was: why doesn’t Snape act the way I know traumatized characters to act? Why isn’t he having flashbacks or breaking down when being exposed to his triggers?
Snape’s trauma is the angry aggressive kind. Snape’s trauma can be mistaken for a “grudge”. Because it’s not what people understand trauma to be.
In HBP, Harry was trying to crucio Snape and do all this other stuff, and Snape was so unbothered by it. But the moment Snape noticed Harry was about to cast levicorpus on him, Snape completely lost his shit. Below was Snape’s response to Harry trying to cast levicorpus on him.
“No, Potter!” screamed Snape. There was a loud BANG and Harry was soaring backward, hitting the ground hard again, and this time his wand flew out of his hand.
This is Snape’s response to Harry trying to crucio him. Literally torture him.
But Snape parried the curse,
Like a casual “whatever”. Yeah Harry got knocked off his feet, but he didn’t go soaring backwards like he did when Snape responded to Harry’s levicorpus.
During occlumency lessons Snape manhandled Harry and threw him out of the room, after seeing Harry watching James Potter humiliate him.
I shouldn’t have to add disclaimers to my post, disclaimers should be givens. But unfortunately we haven’t reached that point yet.
Disclaimer: I don’t approve of Snape hurting Harry more than what he had to (Snape still had to defend himself in HBP) and I don’t approve of Snape physically hurting Harry in Snape’s Worst Memory chapter.
I’m not saying that Snape’s way of expressing his trauma is okay. He needed therapy to help him learn to deal with and express his trauma in a less problematic way. The point is that Snape’s trauma is overlooked and lessened. Snape’s PTSD is called a “grudge.”
Snape had a grudge against James Potter vs Snape was still traumatized by James Potter.
James’ change.
I will always maintain that James changed for the better. I won’t argue my point, because I’m not here to convince you that James changed.
There seems to be this “unspoken” “implied” message that because James changed, the damage he did to Snape doesn’t count anymore. Okay yeah James hurt Snape, but James changed, why can’t Snape just get over it?
I have zero problem with the idea of James changing. He grew as a character, happens to be morally grey, and actually has the capacity for good? Not a problem with me. He changed? Great.
If people spoke about James’ change like he fits in with one of the themes in HP, that people can change for the better.
But unfortunately James’ change isn’t spoken about like that. James’ change is treated like some sort of band aid to slap on Snape’s trauma.
I am okay with James changing if we’re speaking about James’ overall character, as well as his character development. But, if a post is specifically about Snape’s trauma, then I don’t care how much James changed, and I don’t think “but James changed” should be slapped on any original post talking about the very real post traumatic stress disorder that Snape has because of James and Sirius’ bullying him for years.
I was wondering for the longest time why some Snape fans were so salty over the idea of James changing. So the fuck what if he did change? Why is the very idea of James changing a bad thing? Why is it so hurtful? My response to James’ changing was “meh cool.” Like I’m not jumping up and down in joy over it, but I don’t find the idea of James changing personally offensive.
But now I get why even the POSSIBILITY of James having changed is personally offensive for people. When we hear the statement James changed, it’s hardly ever on an original post. It’s nearly always some Snape anti James stan coming onto a post (that is appropriately tagged) talking about Snape’s PTSD and they come onto that post and say “but James changed.” As in yeah but whatever about the emotional pain Snape had to suffer from years later, yeah but whatever about his triggers because James changed.
“James changed” has become a symbol for dismissing Snape’s PTSD.
I now understand why people take “James changed” so personally, as if someone went up to them and slapped them across the face.
James may have changed, but Snape still suffers everyday of what James did to him. James has no issues, while Snape probably has a form of PTSD. How is that fair? How is that fair that the bully got out of Hogwarts with no issues, but that the bullied got out with a lot? The fact that James changed doesn’t erase what he did, doesn’t erase the trauma Snape still has. Snape still lives with the consequences of James’ bullying, so the fact that he changed doesn’t matter to Snape. What is done is done. The fact that he changed only mean that people would love him now, that he became a “better” person. But believe me, what Snape remembers is not that James changed. I agree with you post, @pro-lily-pro-snape-anti-snily !
You summarized my entire novel into one paragraph. Amazing.
Snape deals with his trauma by attempting absolute control. During SWM he loses all control: of his body, of his wand, his clothes, his temper, his mouth. What happens at this moment? He loses the most important person in his life. This is the moment that truly sets him on his dark and terrible life path.
After publicly losing control, being humiliated, and made a laughing stock, Snape must have picked himself up off the ground, gathered his clothing about him, and returned to the relative safety of Slytherin house. Once there as many bullying victims do he took stock a post-mortem if you will to see what went wrong and what he could do about it to prevent such a thing from ever happening again in the future.
Control. This becomes his solution to prevent humiliation, and his overarching goal as far as his public Persona goes.
What kind of persona does he cultivate? dark, forbidding, intimidating, acid tongued, fierce with a curse and quick reflexes, total situational awareness, hyper-vigilance, poker faced, with a perfectly modulated voice, buttoned-down and protected by his layers of clothing which also help project a large and menacing presence.
It is all a dominance display. It’s constant psychological warfare against those who would attempt to harm him. His life experience has trained him to act as if there are mountain lions about to pounce on him at any time; most likely when he gets comfortable, lets down his guard, or gets distracted. All wilderness enthusiasts know that when faced with a large animal you try to make yourself look big by holding up your coat or your backpack. This is exactly what he is doing: look strong and scary and fierce and big so no one will even consider trying anything against him.
“The best victory is when the opponent surrenders of its own accord before there are any actual hostilities… It is best to win without fighting.”
Sun Tzu The Art of War
I agree with all of this. Another good example of the lingering effects of Snape’s trauma is his behaviour around Sirius in OoTP, ch24 Occlumency.
‘I’m his godfather,’ said Sirius, louder than ever.
‘I am here on Dumbledore’s orders,’ said Snape, whose voice, by contrast, was becoming more and more quietly waspish,
He’s uncomfortable; can’t resist the usual jibes but is decidedly not being the aggressive party.
‘I’ll get to the point, then,’ said Sirius, standing up. He was rather taller than Snape who, Harry noticed, balled his fist in the pocket of his cloak over what Harry was sure was the handle of his wand.
Sirius hasn’t made any kind of threatening move. All he did was stand and Snape instinctively leaps to a defensive posture, anticipating an unprovoked attack. This breaks my heart, because he is afraid. And it’s crucial, because Severus Snape walks willingly up to freaking Voldemort and lies to his face repeatedly, despite knowing he’s in mortal danger. And he apparently does it so well, and so without flinching, that the greatest Legilimens of all time never senses his fear. But standing across from SIRIUS BLACK throws him so much he’s clutching his wand.
Sirius pushed his chair roughly aside and strode around the table towards Snape, pulling out his wand as he went. Snape whipped out his own. They were squaring up to each other, Sirius looking livid, Snape calculating, his eyes darting from Sirius’ wand-tip to his face.
Despite reaching for his wand preemptively, Snape STILL doesn’t draw first. He only reacts defensively after Sirius pulls his own wand out.
Sirius looks ‘livid,’ ie. angry and aggressive. Contrast this with Snape, who is described as ‘calculating, his eyes darting from Sirius’ wand-tip to his face.’ He’s not angry, he’s scared, triggered, and trying desperately to figure out exactly how much danger he’s in. For the rest of the conversation, he speaks ‘softly’ and ‘whisper(s)’… while ‘Sirius roared.’
This whole scene breaks my heart, because a man who is able to remain almost inhumanly calm and unreadable under severe stress and mortal danger, can’t control his fear as adequately around the guy who bullied him over a decade ago. Sirius has been ‘stuck inside his mother’s house for six months,’ powerless to do much of anything, a mere shadow of the boy who must have seemed confident and intimidating back at Hogwarts, but STILL Snape reaches for his wand.
Not because he’s a coward. Reminder: he doesn’t actually draw first.
It’s because, as @ch4n71c0 said, of his “total situational awareness, hyper-vigilance.“ Because “His life experience has trained him to act as if there are mountain lions about to pounce on him at any time.“
It’s also why, as @pro-lily-pro-snape-anti-snily said, he reacts so much worse to Harry’s Levicorpus than his Crucio.
He is still suffering the effects of unprocessed, untreated trauma and behaves accordingly.
do you think you'd help me find a fic? i read it forever ago so i cant remember a lot but it took place in hogwarts (idk if it was an eighth year or hogwarts au) and draco was a prefect?? he mightve had a private prefects bedroom too. there was some mutual pining n hermione was instrumental in getting them together (she mightve straight up told draco that harry had it bad for him) then draco goes to harry 'heard u fancy me. ill let u sleep w me just once' he thinks harry's gonna b rly rough (1/2
but he’s actually rly gentle and sweet (it’s the only chance he has w draco and didnt want to ruin it) and then they get together the next morning. thank you in advance!! (2/2
Hello there~ I haven’t read this fic so I hope my lovely followers can help you :)
@indigopersei is the french language just always on the verge of getting someone accused of assault or..?
my friend, if only you knew
It’s a very dangerous language to learn
Here’s an interesting thing about French! Everything needs to have an article in front of it. That’s why it’s “la chat” as opposed to just “chat”. So, for instance, you could say la fille for the girl, or jeune fille for young girl, but you can’t just say fille, because that means you are calling her a sex worker in a derogatory way.
The moral of the story is, if you want to make something rude in French, just take out the article in front of it. Yes, this works for nearly. every. word.
#now I’m wondering how often my high school french teacher was silently screaming because of this little fact
Every year. Every year there’s that kid who forgets that you can’t translate “I am excited” to “Je suis excitée”. And every year Monsieur Jordan has to slam the brakes before that kid can finish his sentence and then tactfully ask him not to announce to the class that he is horny.
“is the french language always on the verge” oh buddy, oh pal, i am so happy to break this news to you:
truly the language of love
Yet another reason we must oppress the French: even their language is horny on main.
Here's some more fun ones👌