revolution of my life: learning to eat okay again

This blog is mostly for recovery, but I also incorporate anything else I like. This is also complimentary to my zine of the same name. I started outpatient treatment for my eating disorder in 2011 and finished in 2014. I was diagnosed with Eating Disorder: NOS. I have also struggled with dysthymia, anxiety, PTSD, and more (but I don't want that to define me). Other stuff about me: I am a 30-something single mom of a teen and I work as a birth doula and early childhood counselor. I am in a far better place than I have ever been! I'm also a feminist, anarchist, and I love animals, coffee, making crafts, harry potter, and bikes. The Mental Illness Directory

[learningtoeatokayagain]

random

So much in my life has changed the past few years. I broke up with someone who was making me feel small. And the more space I've had from him and that relationship, I've realized it was what it was, which was pretty awful overall. And this constant like, fucked up shit around like, realization of how horrible the relationship was. And the fucked thing about dynamics like that is like, there were also good and positive things and connection and interest. But I've heard more about him and his fucked up behavior. And I'm really glad that I'm not around it him or that shit anymore.

With that, I've grown a lot from. However, it's also made me sad because like, I keep ending up in these situations of giving people chances and chances over and over. It's because I try really hard to believe in people because no one believes in each other. I keep getting stuck in this dynamic. And it's fucking so confusion because I keep getting fucked over by people. lol. Like, why do I keep giving people chances? excuses? I don't know. I don't get it.

So then I think back to when my parents were still married. I liked my dad. I truly did. He did fun things with my sister and I. He brought us outside and did fun things with us. He bought us things. We got to see his job. But then there was also a side of terror that I felt around him. There are so many random fucked up memories I have related to him. So many random things. Plus the abuse. So it's like, okay the first man in my life, my dad, I am supposed to like, feel safe and cared for by him. He loves me. He's supposed to not abuse me, etc. And then when my mom left him, she had to do it in a way where her friend helped her pack up as much as she could and we left. I didn't say bye to anyone. My mom did it all in secret.

So then, I am supposed to like, see my dad. Act as if everything is fine. I didn't for a long time after the divorce. The first time I saw him, I was so scared. Then he made me think my mom was feeding me bad shit about him. But that fucked with me hard because I witnessed his abuse. I was one of his victims. So then it's like, why and how am I supposed to be begin to understand like, how the things my mom said that were like, exactly my own memories of him were fucked up and wrong and that my mom was a crazy bitch.

So there's the beginning of me like, somehow wanting to believe in people and hear their sides because people deserve chances. Partly because I still loved my dad, even though he did some fucked up shit. And I wanted him to be okay and maybe I wanted him to be okay so it would feel better for me to love him, still. I don't know.

So my first relationship with a man was violent. And he was violent toward my mom, my sister, and myself. And he's never acknowledged any of it. Or apologized. He's always blamed my mom. And since I have stopped talking to him, I know he blames me. But he is never at fault. It's totally insane to me.

Then I ended up with someone very similar when I'm 18. But before that, I was used by men and experienced so much violence by so many. Anything from being told I have to show my tits for cigarettes, to cat calls, to being hit on while I'm working at McDonald's, to the entitlement my stepdad had over all of us, to the dude who raped me when I was 17, to the McDonald's coworker who stalked me, to the multiple men who were not clear about intentions and used me for sexual things, etc. etc. So I got pregnant at age 18 by a dude who was manipulative and abusive. I know I've written a shit ton on that relationship.

Then this last ex, it's the same fucking shit. The same fucking shit after all the god damn trauma fucking therapy I've done. I still end up dating a dude who has been accused multiple times of rape, as well as like, raped me. And it's been so stupidly fucking hard to say that he did that. But when I take a step-back from it, I know that's what happened. It's just so fucking weird because I have so many doubts about it and I don't really get why. I don't fully trust myself with what actually happened and I don't know why. I forget the details and then they come back and then I'm like, omg this is clique. Which I don't even know why this is happening or coming up either! Then I think of feedback I've gotten from friends and one friend said that our sexual relationship was so unbalanced and unequal. And all this shit is continuing to be so fucking frustrating because I try so hard to communicate my needs and wants with people, but it doesn't seem to go anywhere. But then, yet, I still want to believe and trust people.

The most recent example of this is watching a college friend slowly turn incel. Then he continues to spout his insanity at me and expecting me to like, just listen. His latest rant was about trans people and issues. I just can't engage with him anymore. And I was only realizing this shit after telling my partner about it. He said this is a pattern: men using you and you're loyal to people. And it's like, why does this loyalty fuck me over? It's this pattern of giving people so many chances because I believe in people.

Then this gets into these thoughts of me thinking - am I just crazy? What is it about me that makes people treat me the way they do? Because it fucking keeps happening? Or am I like, selfish and self-involved for even thinking that? Am I self-involved for thinking that people are treating me shitty, but they actually aren't?

I'm also so tired of processing this shit. I've accepted it's there and that horrible, shitty emotions will keep coming up. And I will I guess, keep at it. But I don't want to. I want to be fucking done with it because it's exhausting. And I get into this headspace of thinking I'm like, good, I've processed it, whatever whatever. But it keeps coming up because other men fucking bring it up because of their own fucking shitty as behavior. This shit is inescapable. I'm sick of giving them space and time and attention.

[learningtoeatokayagain]

emotionally unavailable parent

There’s no clear-cut template for how emotionally unavailable parents may act. But according to Denq and Epstein, common signs can include the following:

They lack the ability to “mirror” (reflect the same emotional state that a child is experiencing).

They respond to children’s emotions with impatience or indifference.

They avoid or prevent discussion of negative emotions.

They’re dismissive or overwhelmed when the child has an emotional need.

They’re not interested in the child’s life (interests, friend groups, school work).

They have difficulty expressing their feelings, even with adults.

They’re unable or unwilling to provide comfort during emotional distress.

They’re unwilling to engage in any feelings — positive or negative.

The Biringen emotional availability assessment model includes other signs, such as the following:

They neglect a child’s basic needs or offer only the most basic level of care.

They behave hostilely or intrusively toward the child.

They freely express negative emotions such as frustration, annoyance, or boredom during interactions with the child.

They act as though the child is incapable of doing age-appropriate tasks.

I have been triggered pretty badly by family stuff and have been ruminating over and over the situation. I have been super focused on like, what did I do wrong? Then going through my life and my successes and the mistakes. My mistakes weren't that bad. And it's also confusing when there were time that they were helpful in my life, but then my mom and step-dad, just like, stopped or something. Or they helped minimally at times. I just don't know. It's not like, I am like, ungrateful for any help they provided. I am. But there's this sense of guilt I have because they helped me. And I guess that's on me. But they've also kind of pushed this like annoyed narrative of any request for help/support and/or like, existing I guess.

So I think I put a word on it. Basically they were/are dismissive parents and emotionally unavailable. The list I posted above is from an article I found on a psychology website. It just makes sense.

So I am going to go through some of them to process.

They respond to children’s emotions with impatience or indifference. Yes, very much so. It's mostly indifference. Like, literally indifference to anything emotional I've experienced and/or expressed. A lot of shame and guilt. They avoid or prevent discussion of negative emotions. Totally. The only time I really ever remember is when I was 14 years old and things just exploded because my sister and I wasn't very engaged at the dinner table. My step-dad was yelling at us, my mother rubbing his back comforting him. My sister and I, sobbing. The only reason we weren't engaged is because his eating was disgusting and sloppy, he would slurp his food. We wore headphones. I was later diagnosed with autism. It's no wonder that shit was like, totally madness driving for me. It wasn't personal. It was like, dude I am about to lose it and I need to cover my ears. They’re dismissive or overwhelmed when the child has an emotional need. Dismissive. I couldn't bring anything to them. I hid my pregnancy from them. I didn't trust telling them much of anything, at all. I was fearful of being met with total judgment and shame. They’re not interested in the child’s life (interests, friend groups, school work). They have absolutely ZERO interest in my life. They've never asked me once about college, graduate school. When I moved away, jobs I've had. Two years ago, I started my private practice. And now that's just what I do and I quit my agency job. I shared this in the family group text chat. No fucking response. They don't know anything about me and they've refused to even try, it seems.

They’re unable or unwilling to provide comfort during emotional distress. Yes, my entire life. I've never felt comfortable ever going to them for anything emotional.

They’re unwilling to engage in any feelings — positive or negative. Yes, lol, they don't tell me anything positive, either.

Processing this more has been a clusterfuck. I look at my half siblings, trying to compare our lives. Like, what is so different about them that they get treated so differently? I mean, the obvious is that their my mom and step-dad's kids. My bio sister and I are our mom and dad's kids. No one likes my dad, including me. But that's not my fault or Crystal's faults. Other differences - I have bold, strong opinions, I'm an anarchist, I was a teen/single mom (although my brother is a single dad), I'm a vegetarian, I live on the east coast (although my sisters lives in CA), I went to college and graduate school, I didn't rely on men. These are differences, but I don't think they're bad.

But also, I don't know why I'm making this about me. Like, their disinterest in my life doesn't have to be about me and things I did/didn't do. Maybe it's them. Like, for whatever reason they just don't know how to care about me, my life, my interests, etc. It's possible I did something, too, but no one has told me ... I'm open to hear about it if I did.

I ordered a couple books online about this topic, so I think that'll help. And I will start processing this in therapy more. I will also have more boundaries (I already sent an email about not doing gifts for people anymore except birthdays). I will stop talking to my half siblings about my mom and step-dad, I will limit the ruminating about it with my full sister, I will avoid social media posts about trips they do without my full sister and I.

I also expressed to my half siblings what I needed from them as far as a relationship goes and brought up a couple ways to do that. I will see how that goes. They can agree to doing it or not. Then we can negotiate how our relationships should be as we grow and get older.

I can't be the only one doing the things, as well. I used to send updates to my mom and step-dad and they rarely responded, if ever. So for me, that shows they don't have a lot of interest in my life. I guess they did show up to a yoga class I did online with everyone, but not everyone responded and it was just, like, super uncomfortable and weird. And maybe the ways I've shared about my life is not how they want to hear about it, but they havne't told me otherwise. It just sucks to be vulnerable with someone and have 0 response. I just don't want to put myself in that position anymore.

I also need to lower my expectations like, I am not going to be asked to go on family trips and it seems more apparent that no one will tell me about them, either. So I need to go into this with that perspective. This is fine, whatever. It'll save me from pain. When/if I see things about trips, I will just move on from it and if anyone wants to tell me about it, they will.

I think part of the pain, too, is that I felt I was an equal sibling within my siblings, but I don't think I am. I always felt I was oddly, a step-up from my full bio sister (bc no one likes her husband). I don't like using the phrasing, but it's true. But it is starting to feel/seem more and more that my bio sister and I were equals to each other and lower from everyone else. My expectation will be that now, too.

I think if I can work on this and acceptance on it, it'll feel better. It was really sad to hear my brother brought up inviting my full bio sister and I, but it caused a huge argument. It's just like ... why? lol. My mom and step-dad did NOT want us there.

So continued more boundaries with my mom and step-dad - probably almost a full step away with acknowledgments on birthdays. I won't do shared gifts anymore, probably, either. My full bio sister and I didn't do that for Mother's Day with our half siblings and just went in a gift. It felt better for whatever reason. Crystal and I are typically the ones to bring up gifts and sharing gifts. So it'll be nice not to do that anymore. And then just continuing the other boundaries I mentioned earlier.

[learningtoeatokayagain]

losing my mind again

I had to work a really long time on like, how I am not a bad/wrong/piece of shit person. I've done a lot of counseling, self-acceptance, seeking evidence to the contrary, a shit ton of processing, writing.

The complete, devastating, repeating rejection I feel from my family of origin (except my full bio sister) is fucking the worst. I realized that I have no parents. My bio dad abused my mom in front me and sexually abused my daughter and I. My bio mom has literally shown 0 fucking interest in my life for most of my existence. The last time I spoke to her on the phone was probably in April 2020 and before that, no clue. I've probably talked to her maybe 3 to 4 times on the phone in the last decade. My stepdad doesn't talk to me hardly ever, but will respond to a text if I text him. I used to attempt with my mom and step-dad by sending emails about updates in my life and my daughter's life. But I didn't get any responses. They literally don't care about me, my life, anything that I do, or have accomplished. They did nothing for me when I graduated college and grad school. Sure, they've given me money a few times and bought my kid some stuff. Basics of being a parent, I guess?

I literally don't have parents. I have no adult figure that's older than me in my life that I can rely on. This is why I've always been so independent and just figured shit out. I had to. None of my parents have ever been parents. They've never been people I could go to and talk to and feel heard and accepted.

My mom and step-dad love their children they had together way more. They give a shit about them, their lives, and spend time and energy with and on them. They take trips with them, talk to them, have interest in their lives, and actually love them and give a shit. It's so fucking painful to see. It's hard to not wonder wtf I did wrong and/or what it is about me that is SO FUCKED that they just are completely incapable of even giving a shit.

Yet, with me and my politics, my personality, my belief in humans - I have to be understanding and meet people where they're at. I truly believe in humans as good people. So I try to get why my family of origin don't seem to give a fuck about me. Try to see their perspective. It becomes to a fault because I forget about myself and my own needs/wants in that process.

A while back, I texted my mom if she could text me a pic of a baby pic of me for some dumb work thing. No response, except after a while a few pics of baby pics from. No words, nothing. Then I see my other sister post a screenshot of texts from our mom stating how much of a princess she's always been, how beautiful she is, etc. Like, that's just evidence that my mom doesn't give a fuck at all about me.

I texted the family group chat that I am no longer at my agency job and that I am doing full-time private practice and that I am moving to Brooklyn and that my daughter signed the lease on her first apartment, is going back to school, and got a better job. The only people who responded was her and my full bio sister.

I WAS A TEEN MOTHER. BABYDADDY WENT TO JAIL FOR WEED. I VISITED HIM TWICE A WEEK FOR ALMOST 6 MONTHS. I WAS A SINGLE MOTHER. I RAISED MY DAUGHTER ON WELFARE WHILE GOING TO COLLEGE. I GOT MY ASSOCIATES DEGREE, BACHELOR'S DEGREE, AND TWO MASTER'S DEGREES. I GOT VERY LITTLE CHILD SUPPORT. BABY DADDY IS COMPLETELY ABSENT AND HAS HAD LITTLE TO DO WITH US MOST OF HER LIFE. I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED AS A KID. I WITNESSED INTERPERSONAL VIOLENCE BETWEEN MY DAD AND MY MOM. MY DAD SEXUALLY ABUSED ME. I CONTINUED TO BE IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS WELL INTO MY ADULTHOOD. I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH AUTISM LAST YEAR. I HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER, MAJOR DEPRESSIVE DISORDER, GENERALIZED ANXIETY DISORDER, SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER, DYSTHYMIA, PTSD. AND I WENT TO EATING DISORDER TREATMENT IN MY LATE 20S. I DID THE SHIT I DID WITH THOSE DIAGNOSES.

LIKE I HAVE BEEN THROUGH A TON OF SHIT. AND I'VE WORKED SO FUCKING GOD DAMN HARD TO GET TO THIS POINT. AND TO FEEL THIS REJECTION, ONCE AGAIN, OVER AND FUCKING OVER. I CAN'T FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE.

I just can't do this anymore. I've tried hard and it's clear these people don't give a fuck. The patterns and behaviors of my step-dad and mom have continued with my siblings from them, as well. That has felt very painful. Probably more painful than the shit with my mom and step-dad. I thought I was equal to them, but I'm not. I'm just not. I feel lied to, I feel a lot of pain, I feel dupped, I feel I had some sort of small attachment still. But I don't. I've told my brother this, too. I feel like I fully trusted them to feel as if I am in their family, but it's become more and more true that I'm not. Neither if my full bio sister. We are just not in this family. The only family of origin I feel I have is her at this point.

I wish they would just tell me that I'm not in the family. Just at least be fucking honest with me. Then we can all just go about our lives. I cannot continue mine without feeling so much pain and rejection and getting triggered. Like, I just can't fucking feel this anymore. It's too much.

[learningtoeatokayagain]

processing shit, trigger shit

I've been taking a lot of mushrooms the past like, 6 months and it's honestly been really helpful. Tonight I did them with a friend and we just chilled. But I realized how much I miss my rabbit, Peter, who died like a month ago. She was only 4.5 years old and she died a few weeks after my 11 year old rabbit, Saffron, died. I feel I haven't fully been able to process the grief around their loss. It happened so fast. I was also away when Peter died. She was fine when I left, too. And I'm really sad I didn't get to say bye to her in a way that I would know she was leaving. When I brought her body in to get cremated, I sat with her body for a while and I pet her. I feel so sad that she died at such a young age. She was an anxious bunny and she was so sad after Saffron died. She was laying by my bed, by my bunny slippers every night. I just miss her so much. Her sweet presence in my room. I wish she was still here. She was a goofy, clumsy bunny. When Saffron died, she sat in my room every night and just knowing she was there, hearing her walk around was so comforting. I got her ashes and I have a bunny alter. I think I need to write her and Saffron a letter about how much I love them and miss them.

The other thing that came up for me was coming to realizations about my ex, more realizations from him. There's a huge loss in terms of not being in his life at all and like, I was a very much part of his family. I've never really had that with a partner. And I enjoyed them. But also, he didn't respect my boundaries at times. All sorts of boundaries. Food boundaries - like, I don't want to eat meat but that was a constant fucking thing in our relationship, this forcing me to try meat. He just didn't respect my choice related to that. The other thing I've realized is that he did assault me and even as I type this, it's hard for me to say that he raped me, which I don't know why because like, I am not using that phrasing lightly. I never do. I haven't really wanted to write much about it because I wasn't ready I guess?

One night in particular, we were about to have sex or were getting into it. He was drunk. I wasn't. I mostly just remember me saying no and him saying I have to push through it. When I think about that, I can feel it in my body. The same way I've felt all the other disgusting rapes, assault, and sexual abuse I've experienced. LIke, this out of body experience, almost. My limbs feel so intense and floaty.

I sitting on my bed, just thinking about this and I was thinking - like, fuck. I think one of the reasons why rape by someone you love is so intense is because never would you think that person would dehumanize you so much, disrespect you so much. And it sucks because you fucking love and trust this person.

He told me that he didn't think rape was that big of a deal. Like, people can just get over it, and they do , they move on. He really was almost obsessed about like, redefining what rape is. He really wanted to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal or something. It is all such a mindfuck, clusterfuck. I remember one night I was really drunk, processing sexual abuse from my dad and later he recalled it was me, "freaking out." But was really judgemental about it. It's like, he knew he has raped people so he had to twist it in his mind to like, make himself feel okay with his behaviors related to it. That's some deep seeded shit to like, twist shit in your brain that way to like, feel better for what you did, I guess.

I got distracted and can't process anymore.

[learningtoeatokayagain]

venting about ex

I feel I need to write about this more. I think I've like, somewhat felt disappointed in myself in regarding to how I could be with someone for so long when I am unhappy. But that's like, a pattern of mine. Like, my 3 longterm ex partners - I was deeply invested and in love with and super loyal and supportive ... like, I started to become deeply unhappy, but i stayed.

I was thinking of my most recent ex and how disconnected we became from each other since lockdown. He started seeing someone else more seriously and I felt something was so off. And I was right. But like, so random, the Spotify 2021 top songs made me really reflect on a lot. Like, some of my top bands were like, people he didn't really know I listened to. I felt like, we were growing so apart. Like, the band Tennis was in my top and I don't think we ever listened to that band together. And my top 100 songs were so reflective of how my year went. Like, legit it was: broken hearted bitch, sad bitch, processing bitch, getting better bitch, falling in love bitch. That was my year. I really held onto this fucking thing with my ex for so long. It's weird because it's been well over a year since I started to like, feel the change. He was involved in so many projects that I didn't even know about. He really pushed me out. So much. He used to talk about how some mutual friends "basically disposed" of him like, after a fight between several of us happened. I remember feeling so disposed of him. Like, he would talk about how these friends chose some thing (don't remmeber what it was) over him. He talked about that a lot. When like, he completely did that to me. He legit chose this new relationship and avoiding fucking talking about it over me. He totally disposed of me. Like it's so confusing when people do the thing that has happened to them that has hurt them.

I also think I've come to terms with more about shit between us. He took up so much fucking space. All the time. Loud, talkative, interruptive, and huge inability to listen/hear. He would always put things back on me, "You never listen to me" when I would like, misunderstand or forget something. I was reading about the Gottman Institute four horsemen of the apocalypse. I was actually reading it for stuff totally unrelated. But I started to apply much of to my relationship with him. One of the biggest predictors of divorce/breakups was contempt. It's basically like, mocking, calling your partner names, eye rolling, scoffing, etc. This legit, was the thing he did all the time. It was so hurtful and felt so dismissive and disrespectful. And i told him this. I even said, "I feel hurt/sad/etc when you roll your eyes, can you not do that?" I was not accusatory. I focused on me. He didn't stop. One of our last fights, he fucking mocked me. I felt so hurt. I told him how I felt and to never mock me. He didn't really have a response. I remember so many times did this bullshit comtempt. I remember never doing this shit to him for multiple reasons. Like, it's fucking rude and mean, immature, and I remember my baby-daddy doing this stuff from me. I worked a lot on like, not wanting to be around fucking assholes. My ex also was very defensive and really didn't try to NOT be. I consistently felt unheard or understood.

I think I'm also mostly sad about how shit went down. I don't know ... like, I put a lot of effort into the relationship and tried really hard. And I was the one doing a lot of the communication labor. It sucks when I was the one putting so much of that effort. One thing I also realized was like, he was really bad at like, putting action and words together. He definitely knew what to say, but very rarely followed through.

It's weird to be around so often to like, rarely talking. I did miss him for a bit. Mostly just like, telling him things. But all that started to diminish since lockdown. I had started to feel he was losing interest in me quit a bit. I feel like there was a lot of unhappiness for a long time that, I guess, I did try to like, work through and work on with him.

Fucking realizations.

Also, remembering that he would say things to me like, he was going to skin my rabbits and eat them when they died. And I didn't like hearing that. He would say he was joking. Literally, wtf.

[learningtoeatokayagain]

sad

It really sucks to care and love someone so deeply and they slowly pull away from you. Non-monogamy is challenging. I think it has to come from a starting point of honest communication that involves the ability to think through problems, not internalize & make it about you, understand your own feelings, be able to hear others' feelings, etc. I think one has to be emotionally available.

Dear Mike,

You have always been one of my favorite people in my life. I think we felt so good together for so long. I knew things felt different between the two of us when you started talking to Jamie. It felt so different than anything before. I knew that made me like, feel something was off between us. Things started to add up over time. I finally asked. You were fairly dismissive. Maybe it was because you weren't ready to talk about it, you did say that. You told me, "yes we hang out a few times a week!" You told me that a few times when I asked. I noticed other things such as buying a ton of new sex toys, us engaging in sexual activity less, all of a sudden having lube after 6 years of never using it (then telling me you got it for me), I just didn't feel much love from you anymore either anymore, I felt there was something else going on in the background like constantly. This was also more than usual. I feel like usually you were busy with work, reddit, etc, etc. But that changed and I felt it. My intuition is so strong and I can tell if/when people are off. I can super tell. I am so intuitive, which makes me incredibly aware and observant. I knew something was going on.

You did tell me and I know for you, you don't understand why it's frustrating for me that I was the one who asked. In fact, you mocked me for that. The connection for me in that instance is like, I am worried that I will have to continue to do this. I will have to continue ask questions to get information. I don't want to have to do that. You recently came up with something to try and prevent that. I didn't even know if I wanted to do it at that point, especially since i felt I had been trying for so long. I know you haven't done much to make me not trust you. But that's not the point. This feels like something big and feels like you are hiding things, especially when I keep finding out from other people about them. That's the stuff that hurts. And you felt you were finding out about the status of our relationship from others. You said that hurt. That's how this felt. It has continuously been so awful.

I'm sad you developed a relationship with another serious partner. But I think it's more for me, the shitty way it was discovered. I also don't understand why none of this wasn't figured out before. You have been with her for over a year.

[learningtoeatokayagain]

needs/wants in an intimate relationship

I've been thinking about what I want/need in an intimate relationship lately. Then I've been thinking about how I can get that/seek it/ask for it/etc.

I crave and want a deep intimate connection with someone. I want to hear about your past, your feelings, your thoughts. I want to be on the same page as far as politics go. I want to talk through shit in a serious, mindful way. I want to hear about things that feel good and bad for you. I want to know if how I am treating you feels bad, but I also want to work toward like, positivity and growth. I want to have humor and bounce shit off of each other. I want to be able to talk through problems in a healthy way and not yell or blame each other or call each other names or bring up past shit.

I want to have shared, mutual activities together. But I also want to have a healthy life outside of the relationship. I want to be supportive in your endeavors and hear about them. I want you to be able to tell me about them. I don't want to have to always seek out the information. I want to get excited texts about cool ass shit from you. I want to be excited with/for you. I want to feel like, real and genuine with you.

I don't want problems to be about how it's all fucked up of me to do. Like, most things are both people. Sometimes my reactions are overwhelming and intense to things. I want space to be able to work through that, but also not to be told that my emotions are unfair.

I don't want surface shit. I want real shit. I need real shit. I want to be in the moment with you. I want to not have to fight about phone usage and hang out with you while you are on your phone the entire time.

I want to be speaking in a language that is respectful and I expect that back.

I don't want to mind read. I want to to like, be an active participant in shit, but I also need that from you.

[learningtoeatokayagain]

ending

This past year and a half has been fucking hell. I know it has for everyone. I've really struggled. A lot of things were a part of that which caused the struggle. Obviously, the pandemic, the senses of loss and grief, change, unpredictability, trauma, etc.

My depression got really intense when lock down happened. I felt it really was related to this upheaval of everything all at once and like, not seeing my clients all of a sudden & crazy work shit, getting arrested in the aftermath of a protest, getting ptsd and depression (again), one of my rabbits dying, and my daughter going to college (and getting covid).

So I had a lot of big changes also doing on and then, my partner started dating someone else. We are non-monogamous and have been the whole time. So both of us have dated people. He started dating someone else seriously. I had vibes something was going on. So I asked/said something. He has been pretty dismissive this whole year about it. Either by getting defensive, dismissive, or telling me I'm making stuff up. It's been really challenging and felt shitty. I've felt like I've tried a lot of different things: telling him what I need/want with specifics, gone to a partial hospital program, started meds, did more counseling, telling him my feelings, etc etc. I eventually brought up couple's counseling. He agreed. We were definitely fighting a lot and it was like, having the same argument over and over. I realized that my needs and wants haven't felt met for a long time. And it's been frustrating to realize that. And also frustrating that I have told him that I don't feel happy. He hasn't been super responsive to most of this. He is not good at hearing me. Then he accuses me of like, doing/saying all this shit that I have apparently done.

Mostly what I am realizing and saying is that I've done a lot of processing of this. He's claiming that the past couple of months I've totally checked out of the relationship. I have thought a lot about this. I have reflected a lot on my needs/wants and tried to figure that out. I've also expressed that to him. He has attempted a little bit, but I've felt that it was almost obligatory, which I don't vibe with. I also don't want to. And it felt so shitty to be like, demoted, basically but not told. Like, he has always told me I'm his primary partner and that changed and he didn't talk to me about that. I only found out because I asked him. He also stopped using condoms with this other partner and didn't tell me about it. When I was checking in, he got very upset and said he doesn't use condoms, but that that person uses condoms with their partner, blah blah. I got upset because he did it without actually having a conversation about it. AND one of our rules was to use condoms with others. So it felt super violating. We didn't talk for like, a week because I was so upset. Then I somehow got locked into talking about it and then forgiving him. But then I didn't respect my own boundary after that. Because I didn't use condoms. I just violated myself.

Other things came up over time. Eventually, we were talking about the primary partner thing and he stated that he just decided to agree with the primary partner thing, but he doesn't believe in hierarchy. I asked him why he didn't talk to me about this, but he didn't have an answer.

He told me at one point that I'm in the driver's seat and that he has just been going along with whatever/however I set up the communication around ethical non-monogamy. He basically has brought shit back to blame me somehow and that he has done nothing wrong. This approach has basically been happening the whole time.

He did attempt to come up with a better way of communicating about non-monogamy. I ended up telling him that I am seeing someone else seriously. Which is true. I told him that if I expect that from him, i should be transparent. He also goes into these patterns of like, kind of getting it and trying. But then it goes back to the same pattern and dynamic. And that's when I get sucked in.

Our relationship is changing. I've been so fucking brutally honest with him about so much. I'm so sad that he doesn't like, see my side. That's the shitty, frustrating thing. We both still really love and care for each other. And also, I can't continue like this.

I also asked him like, what is he getting from me. Because it's seemed like his needs/wants are being met through his other partner. He didn't really answer, he said he likes hanging out, talking about politics, foraging. I asked, yes, I enjoy those too, but those are activities. What are you getting from me in relation to physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually, socially, work life, etc? Like, for real. What is he?

I had a friend ask me why it seems like my partner is trying to like, manage that narrative or something. And that it seems Mike wants to break up with me, but won't.

I have felt violated, disrespected, used, lied to, cheated on, and it's sad and it sucks. I also told him I've felt replaced. And I know that wasn't his intention, but that's how it felt. And a lot of interactions with me felt obligatory or forced. I don't want that. I also don't want that for him.

[learningtoeatokayagain]

struggling w/ family dynamics TW - abuse

This has been an off/on thing my whole fucking life and it comes and goes, as far as how I feel and respond to it.

I never felt like a child, I felt very parentified, particularly with my younger siblings. I felt I had to protect them all in some way because there was a lot of chaos. I witness hardcore abuse between my mom and dad. My dad was the one who was physically and emotionally abusive to my mom. I remember a few incidents where they were fighting and one in particular where my mom ran to the car and started to leave. She left my sister and I. We were both crying and screaming in this apartment complex yard. Looking back, it’s crazy no one said/did anything. My dad jumped in front of the car and my mom ended up driving back to the parking spot. My dad slapped her. She ran into the apartment and slammed her bedroom door. My dad punched a hole in it. My sister and I were screaming. I don’t remember much after that. But I do remember my dad showing off the hole in the door, laughing about it. Talk about confusing and fucked up.

THey divorced and I didn’t see my dad for a very long time. The first time I saw him was scary. My mom and step-dad dropped us off with him and I remember not wanting to talk to him or see him. I was confused why I had to. I didn’t want to. It was part of the custody and divorce agreement. I later developed a closeness to him, as he would buy me shit and later helped with my finances. It was fucked and complicated. His girlfriend never liked me and thought I was leeching off of him. He made the choice to fucking help. I was so happy when I was stopped getting help from him and setting boundaries. He would always talk shit about my mom, make excuses for the abuse. WHen I asked him to not contact me almost 10 years ago, he tried to get custody of my daughter through grandparent rights. I responded with a list of his past abuse history and charges and never heard from him or his lawyer again. Like, what kind of patriarchal misogynist bullshit is that? My daughter and I were fine without him and I never got money from him since. It was great to see and experience that because he always made me feel I needed the help. I struggled for sure, but didn’t need his help and I figured it out.

I haven’t talked to him since. I’ve heard he shit talks me to my bio sister and I guess she tries to redirect it. I found out she told our half sister that my daughter said she lied about the sexual abuse from my dad. I talked to my daughter about it and she said that wasn’t true. I’ve never been able to address that with my sister. My daughter and I would never lie about such a thing.

I’ve been able to process much of the shit with my dad through therapy, writing, so on. I do get triggered at times and sometimes the flashbacks of my dad’s behavior come. One of the grossest memories I have was when I was at my dad’s hotel (he was visiting) and I was changing my daughter’s diaper on the hotel bed. He grabbed her vagina and like, pinched and shook it and had a weird name for it (which I don’t remember). I remember being so confused and grossed out, but also like, wondering and questioning if that was okay or not. On one hand, I remember being like, who the fuck touches baby’s vaginas like that? The only time I ever touched her vagina was when I was bathing her or changing her diaper. And I’m her mother. It was very confusing. That’s one of the flashbacks I have a lot of him. I also remember him putting her on his lap often when she was in elementary school and making comments about how thick she was. She disclosed to me that when she would spend the night and bath at his house, he would often go to the bathroom in the bathroom she was in (he had another one) and would she his penis. Like wtf? I never saw my grandpa’s penis. Or my step-dad’s. She said it was confusing and weird for her.

As I type this, I am having a physical response of total repulsion.

As far as my mom, it’s way more complicated. She never did things like this. And I would trust her as far as like, her being in care of my child. She did sometimes hit my daughter’s butt, playfully, which I know she didn’t like (I commented on it). But I also knew that I didn’t have to worry about my mom like, doing other fucked up shit. I think the complications come down to the complete lack of interest in my life. I’ve accomplished a lot for someone like me (single, teen motherhood; baby-daddy in jail and not involved at all; poverty; going to college and graduate school; moving across the country; etc etc). I feel if my daughter did this shit, I would be so fucking proud of her. I talked to my daughter daily, even if it’s through texts (she’s at college now). We FaceTime sometimes, too. I cannot imagine talking to her like, twice a year. It’s confusing and sad. I have never felt her as someone I could call when I’m going through shit. That’s never been true. She’s never been a safe person for me to engage with about much of anything. She is judgemental, as well. I’ve heard from siblings is that she is intimidated by me. But that’s on her, not me, and also not an excuse. Like, wtf? My kid has much of her life together more than me and like, I think that’s fucking super cool and I learn so much from her. Like, this shit isn’t always about me and my feelings and like, how fucked up I feel. There have been times in my life when I did reach out and tell her and my step-dad about my life - college, publications, sobriety, things my kid was doing, etc and I would never hear back from them. Even now, there’s a family group text and I will send my website to the group for my private practice and the only people who respond are my siblings. It’s so bizarre and confusing. sometimes when I tell them about my partner’s accomplishments, they’ll respond. It’s so weird. I guess I don’t have a penis.

It’s also all over apparent the difference in treatment of my bio sister and I and my half siblings. I do not fault them for this, obviously. But it’s very clear they are favored over my bio sister and I. And I really don’t know why. I guess it’s because we are our father’s children, too. But that’s not fair. ANd obviously, it has impacted my relationship with them and they don’t really seem to see it. Or maybe they do and don’t think of anything to change. Or it’s possible they don’t care.

I need to continue processing this bullshit again. I see the differential treatment on social media and it’s completely mindblowing and confusing. It is a huge trigger for me. My bio sister says she rolls her eyes and ignores it. Sometimes I do, but I also know I have feelings about it and just need to feel them because it’s all so fucked up.

[dankmemesreasonforliving]

[learningtoeatokayagain]

more partial stuff

I feel clearer in my head, which feels good. I feel more grounded and present. I feel I am in a better mental space after 2 weeks. I start week 3 tomorrow. I’ve gotten a lot out of it and it has felt great.

I’ve learned a lot about myself, too. I learned that I have realized when I have conflicts with others, I tend to merge with them and instead of hearing them in validating way, I feel so horrible I hurt them (or whatever) and I then, make it about myself. I got homework to work on that.

I also don’t feel so out of control when it comes to my partner. I have been way more chill about our relationship and how I’m working through it. I have gotten triggers, but instead of lashing out, I have been taking a minute to think about it, feel my feeling, and ask myself it’s worth it to bring it up or even, realizing that I am probably reacting strongly and it’s not worth talking about because it’s more about me vs him or us.

I have also learned that part of this year I have been on the rational side of my mind and the emotional side and very little in wise mind. I feel I’ve been in such a weird robotic, almost dissociative state this year with almost everything. Then with relationships, I’ve been on the emotional side. It’s been so exhausting! But it was helpful to realize what I am doing.

Some other stuff that has come up is being more honest with myself with family stuff and finally communicating about it better. I told my mom last month that I was arrested in the aftermath of a BLM protest earlier this year. She made a comment about property damage of innocent people. I was so upset. LIke, that’s not important at all when it comes to the systematic murder of BIPOC and POC people. All she said was: that must have been quit the experience. Like, okay whatever.

I also got upset when one of my sisters was not allowed at my mom’s but my other siblings were. She claimed everyone quarantined for 2 weeks, but I know they didn’t. My kid was also not allowed to travel there. Everything is so like, not related to COVID. I know my mom and step-dad don’t like me. I’ve accepted that years ago and I don’t really care. I don’t want or need my self-worth wrapped up in them and their acceptance. And I have realized that long ago.

I decided to talk to my siblings about it in a group chat so we are on the same page. We are texting now. I made it very clear that I don’t want any of them to do anything about it and that I accept where they are at with our parents and I have no hard feelings. It’s an ongoing conversation, so I am sure I will write more.

[learningtoeatokayagain]

partial

I’ve been really struggling this year with my mental health. I know everyone has. I’ve become increasingly more depressed and anxious and my trauma shit came back. My fucking borderline-y shit, too. I was getting into fights with my partner more, struggling with my identity shift with my daughter going to college, one of my rabbits died, I got fired from a job, I got arrested after a protest. Lots of loss, feelings of out of control & isolation. I was doing some eating disorder shit. It was all too fucking much. A friend was going through something similar and said she did the partial program. I decided to do it. I started Monday. It’s been helpful. They put on the track for people with Borderline/Borderline-y traits and I am grateful for that. I got diagnosed with MDD, GAD, and PTSD and they noted the past diagnoses, as well (Borderline, Eating DIsorder NOS, Social Anxiety). The program is virtual right now, too. We talked about acceptance and some of ways we have tried to cope with shit. I’ve been taking notes. I was struck today by acceptance and how it’s challenging because I don’t want to just accept things as they are (particuarly related to oppression and the world). We also discussed ways we avoid and how sometimes distractions can turn into avoidance. I felt I was super avoiding and have been very numb this year. I felt I couldn’t feel my feelings because I needed to just get through shit. I needed streangth to get through shit so I wasn’t feeling insane. I did the same thing when my daughter attempted suicide almost 4 years ago. Then months later, it all hit and I fucking lost it. One of my rabbits, Simone, died this year and it was so fucking sad and I cried when she initially died but I have been putting it off as far as dealing with the feelings related to it. I’ve also been thinking my partner is going to leave and abandon me. And finding all this evidence to like, him apparently leaving me. I would get into fights with him and constantly ask for reassurance. So maddening.

I was also so stuck in my own shit and my feelings. I was having a really difficult time seeing how everything was impacting other people. I just feel like I’ve been floating through this year. Like, I have been proud of my kid for graduating high school, but there was no ceremony so it seemed like it really didn’t happen.

I also think past trauma related to men came up and that was one reason why I was having a difficult time with my partner. I was assuming he was going to do something bad or already was. And that he was going to leave me. I would get frantic and constantly text him for reassurance.

[learningtoeatokayagain]

evidence my partner loves me/wants to be with me

- He tells me this.

- He tells me the people he is seeing knows he is in a super committed serious relationship with me.

- He tells me he loves me.

- He is supportive and does things that makes me feel supported.

- He is open to doing things with me when I ask.

- He has been there for me during really difficult times.

- He tells me if things are different, he will tell me.

- He is open about how if things change, he will tell me.

- He is open with people he’s seeing about our relationship, as well as his time expectations with them and what he wants.

- I feel like he is genuine and honest.

- I trust him.

- He is capable of letting me know where and how he’s feeling and where he’s at.

- He has his own life outside of me, but still helps me be a part of his own life.

- He has helped me out with my kid in multiple ways.

- He tells me he loves to be with me, do things with me, and have sex with me.

I have been so focused on the negative, it’s been super challenging for me to focus on the positive things in our relationship, unfortunately. My own shit has also really impacted us, which really sucks. I feel it’s been driving a huge wedge between us. We have definitely argued more and been more on edge with each other.

[learningtoeatokayagain]

diagnoses

I decided to try medication again, as I have been really struggling with my mental health and emotional regulation. I realized I don’t need to keep feeling this way. It’s fucking awful. Like, this emptiness and chronic suicidality. I contacted my NP to ask what the diagnoses were, out of my own curiosity. It was PTSD, traits of borderline, and NOS Eating Disorders (in remission). I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD and NOS ED before. I knew I had traits of BPD and she said I probably met full criteria when I was younger, but since I’ve been in therapy for so long, the traits decreased. BPD traits also come up for me when I am really struggling. So it all makes sense. I feel a sigh of relief. So fucking weird.

[learningtoeatokayagain]

sexual needs/wants

- I like to hear what you like/want

- I like to hear if you thing I’m attractive

- I like being touched all over my body, not just my sexual body parts

- I like kissing

- I like trying new things

- I like cuddling for a little bit afterward

- I like processing how it felt (even if it is for a minute or two)

[learningtoeatokayagain]

trauma, trust, relationships, sex

I have been really struggling with my partner lately, some intense ups and downs. My anxiety has been amped up and then my thoughts go into these super intense spirals of what I assume he may/may not be doing. We have an open relationship and spent quarantine together. Which I mostly enjoyed, even though I would sometimes get overwhelmed by being around people all the time and/or the status of the world in general. But we did spend almost each night together, which I fully enjoyed. Mostly it was nice to cuddle with someone. But quarantine changed and his mom went back to NYC and he got his room back. We agreed to start seeing people again (like, feeling okay with seeing people we are seeing outside of each other). For some reason, I started to make all these assumptions about his feelings for me and how I felt he was going to start seeing other people more seriously, so on. I started assuming he was hanging out with all these people more than me and I was feeling super lonely and sad. Then I would let all these thoughts spiral out of control and tell him I had to talk to him, then would communicate all this stuff. And then he would be like, no, I don’t think that at all (i.e. me not being his primary partner or whatever). I started to kind of combat some of it with like, evidence that supports he still wants to be in a relationship with me (and there’s ton). That’s actually helped quit a bit. I also want to put it all in a note on my phone so I have it with me and if I am feeling insecure, I can look through it. I have also been expressing myself more in terms of like, checking in throughout the day and asking him to do things with me. My therapist told me that might be helpful when I am not with him. Plus we have been planning some more things throughout the week, which has been helpful. We hung out yesterday and the evening before, which was nice. A pattern of our relationship is that I usually want to see him more than he wants to see me. I am not super social and he loves seeing new people all the time. I don’t. But we have been managing it for coming up to 6 years now and it’s mostly been going really great.

The other thing we talked about recently was how I don’t initiate sex hardly ever. And it’s true, I don’t. I don’t really know why. That’s been a pattern with me most of sexual life. I have done some work around trauma and sexuality in my past, which helped a lot. But I also don’t get why I don’t initiate. I know that sometimes I get so stuck in not wanting to be overbearing and like, do things that aren’t consensual so I get stuck in this zone of like, not wanting to initiate. Sometimes I will communicate ahead of time, like, we should have sex soon (via text or person) and for me, that’s part of initiating but he brought up when I do that, it’s still up to him to initiate. He’s told me before that he would like it and find it really hot if I did, which I can definitely see. I get so anxious and feel stupid or something. I am not sure why. I don’t know where that is coming from. But I just have to like, do it. I think maybe if I verbally communicate that at some point to him, like, when we are together and when I want to have sex before I physically do it, that’ll help. I could say something like: I want to have sex with you, I want to be fucked by you, I want you to fuck me, I want to fuck you, I am really feeling you right now. And then make a move or something. I think the verbal part is key for me, though. And communicate what I want. I think it would also be helpful if he told me more of what he likes and wants. He’s been communicating slightly more during sex, which has helped. He’s also told me a few times lately he thinks I’m hot. And another thing I’ve thought of too, is that sometimes he has difficult with erections and I often end up feeling it’s because of me. The other day we were having sex and he has having difficulties with that. We stopped because I felt it was pointless and it felt uncomfortable. He told me it was him, not me and he’s been having a lot of shit go on. That felt better. I also know quarantine has effected our sex life, we were having sex a lot less and around each other a lot more. But we are going to talk about this tomorrow, which I think will be very helpful for both of us. I think I will make a separate post about needs/wants sexually and how to communicate that.

[learningtoeatokayagain]

trauma, open relationships

I started a workshop someone I actually have known for a while does on non-monogamy and trauma. I never made much of that connection because I have kind of assumed it was just me being crazy or something. But the more I think about it, my reactions are super traumatic and related to attachment and triggers. My nervous system feels completely insane and out of whack. And it’s like I can’t cognitively wrap my head around it. It brings up a lot around like, feeling abandoned and like, thinking he doesn’t care about me, and then like ... all this shit around comparing myself to people’s he’s seeing. Then I start to go into this spiral, digging up shit that doesn’t exist and I just end up feeling super dysregulated. I haven’t been able to each much over the weekend and I’ve thought of weird shit like, going back to my eating disorder or go to the hospital because I cannot handle anything anymore. It is so unsettling and gross. Lots of ups and downs, too. I realized I come across as super like, together. But inside I feel so gross and can’t sleep, shaking, not eating, so on.

I always feel this need to work on myself and get better. But I also realized I need my partner to do that, too. I take on all this shit and am like, okay I need to do better and I need to make these changes. But he does too. Sometimes he will just say things like, well that’s how I am and it’s like, okay, I get that, but could you also make some changes to that? Like, I don’t like xyz and I would find it nice if you did xyz. I’m not asking him to make huge changes, but like, work on yourself.

I finally texted him because I hadn’t heard from him in a while. I took space from him because I knew he was with someone he’s seeing over the weekend. I always feel like this needy fucking insane partner when I text him. But I finally texted him and said, “can you tell me you’re okay? It feels weird and I get super anxious when I haven’t seen you since Friday morning when I dropped you off at work and all you’ve said to me is, “I told a friend I’d go on a hike.” I would prefer, I am going away for the weekend. I will be back xyz.” He said, well you weren’t very communicative. When he says that, it literally makes me feel like he didn’t hear me. It’s like, take some accountability to what I said. I said, okay well I needed space from you. But to be fair, all you told me was that you are going on a hike. It opened up the conversation a little bit about communicating. He also said I am super secretive about what I do in the context of our open relationship. That was very helpful for me to hear. I wish he would tell me more things like that! So at least we are going to talk about it today and figured out a better way to talk that works for both of us. I don’t need details but the like, secrecy and lack of communicating and being straight forward feels so shitty to me.

I wrote a bunch too and wrote up a list of stuff to address and things and goals and values I have in the relationship so that gave me a good starting point, as well.