random
So much in my life has changed the past few years. I broke up with someone who was making me feel small. And the more space I've had from him and that relationship, I've realized it was what it was, which was pretty awful overall. And this constant like, fucked up shit around like, realization of how horrible the relationship was. And the fucked thing about dynamics like that is like, there were also good and positive things and connection and interest. But I've heard more about him and his fucked up behavior. And I'm really glad that I'm not around it him or that shit anymore.
With that, I've grown a lot from. However, it's also made me sad because like, I keep ending up in these situations of giving people chances and chances over and over. It's because I try really hard to believe in people because no one believes in each other. I keep getting stuck in this dynamic. And it's fucking so confusion because I keep getting fucked over by people. lol. Like, why do I keep giving people chances? excuses? I don't know. I don't get it.
So then I think back to when my parents were still married. I liked my dad. I truly did. He did fun things with my sister and I. He brought us outside and did fun things with us. He bought us things. We got to see his job. But then there was also a side of terror that I felt around him. There are so many random fucked up memories I have related to him. So many random things. Plus the abuse. So it's like, okay the first man in my life, my dad, I am supposed to like, feel safe and cared for by him. He loves me. He's supposed to not abuse me, etc. And then when my mom left him, she had to do it in a way where her friend helped her pack up as much as she could and we left. I didn't say bye to anyone. My mom did it all in secret.
So then, I am supposed to like, see my dad. Act as if everything is fine. I didn't for a long time after the divorce. The first time I saw him, I was so scared. Then he made me think my mom was feeding me bad shit about him. But that fucked with me hard because I witnessed his abuse. I was one of his victims. So then it's like, why and how am I supposed to be begin to understand like, how the things my mom said that were like, exactly my own memories of him were fucked up and wrong and that my mom was a crazy bitch.
So there's the beginning of me like, somehow wanting to believe in people and hear their sides because people deserve chances. Partly because I still loved my dad, even though he did some fucked up shit. And I wanted him to be okay and maybe I wanted him to be okay so it would feel better for me to love him, still. I don't know.
So my first relationship with a man was violent. And he was violent toward my mom, my sister, and myself. And he's never acknowledged any of it. Or apologized. He's always blamed my mom. And since I have stopped talking to him, I know he blames me. But he is never at fault. It's totally insane to me.
Then I ended up with someone very similar when I'm 18. But before that, I was used by men and experienced so much violence by so many. Anything from being told I have to show my tits for cigarettes, to cat calls, to being hit on while I'm working at McDonald's, to the entitlement my stepdad had over all of us, to the dude who raped me when I was 17, to the McDonald's coworker who stalked me, to the multiple men who were not clear about intentions and used me for sexual things, etc. etc. So I got pregnant at age 18 by a dude who was manipulative and abusive. I know I've written a shit ton on that relationship.
Then this last ex, it's the same fucking shit. The same fucking shit after all the god damn trauma fucking therapy I've done. I still end up dating a dude who has been accused multiple times of rape, as well as like, raped me. And it's been so stupidly fucking hard to say that he did that. But when I take a step-back from it, I know that's what happened. It's just so fucking weird because I have so many doubts about it and I don't really get why. I don't fully trust myself with what actually happened and I don't know why. I forget the details and then they come back and then I'm like, omg this is clique. Which I don't even know why this is happening or coming up either! Then I think of feedback I've gotten from friends and one friend said that our sexual relationship was so unbalanced and unequal. And all this shit is continuing to be so fucking frustrating because I try so hard to communicate my needs and wants with people, but it doesn't seem to go anywhere. But then, yet, I still want to believe and trust people.
The most recent example of this is watching a college friend slowly turn incel. Then he continues to spout his insanity at me and expecting me to like, just listen. His latest rant was about trans people and issues. I just can't engage with him anymore. And I was only realizing this shit after telling my partner about it. He said this is a pattern: men using you and you're loyal to people. And it's like, why does this loyalty fuck me over? It's this pattern of giving people so many chances because I believe in people.
Then this gets into these thoughts of me thinking - am I just crazy? What is it about me that makes people treat me the way they do? Because it fucking keeps happening? Or am I like, selfish and self-involved for even thinking that? Am I self-involved for thinking that people are treating me shitty, but they actually aren't?
I'm also so tired of processing this shit. I've accepted it's there and that horrible, shitty emotions will keep coming up. And I will I guess, keep at it. But I don't want to. I want to be fucking done with it because it's exhausting. And I get into this headspace of thinking I'm like, good, I've processed it, whatever whatever. But it keeps coming up because other men fucking bring it up because of their own fucking shitty as behavior. This shit is inescapable. I'm sick of giving them space and time and attention.














